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To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

(564 Posts)
Lowla Thu 31-Jan-13 17:39:25

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

Anna1976 Sun 03-Feb-13 03:40:28

Lowla i hope things are looking more manageable - sounds like you did the right thing going into the school on Friday. I hope the school, the SALT, the ed psych, and possibly your GP are all helpful - you have had a lot on your shoulders.

I'd like to second skullcandy's post of Fri 01-Feb-13 13:42:36, to say that while your DD may never be NT and may need all sorts of help with adjustments, if those adjustments are in place to some degree, then your DD won't be held back. For one thing, she's got a lovely Mum who supports and helps her, which is worth more than anything.

But also - I have known lots of people with HFA who have turned out to have highly productive and happy lives. Someone I went to school with, who stimmed and hand-flapped, and whose mother also has quite pronounced HFA - they have both had a tough time over the years - ended up getting the highest marks in the country (not the UK) at the end of school, and has now become a world-famous climate scientist. More to the point, she's happy and living a fulfilled life. As is another friend who first became a high-flying professor, then became a top-level government advisor. And another friend who had HFA and severe anxiety, who got a first in physics at Cambridge and has now become an extraordinarily talented artist. I have HFA, parents with HFA, and ok my life's currently a bit complicated - but I have managed to have a good career, I am autonomous, and happiness will come back once i get back into the world again.

mathanxiety Sun 03-Feb-13 01:48:58

Lougle, it's the bottling things up for two years and feeling something had been released that is the problem. Bottling it is never good. There are healthy ways to express it (expressing it is not a problem necessarily) that won't end in damage to her or to her DD.

changeforthebetter Sat 02-Feb-13 20:54:27

She's 5 FGS. I get the frustration. There's no spare money chez Change I am keen for the DCs to become independent In lots of ways (am LP) but you have to manage your expectations a bit, love. I hand over the dinner money (DD5 too young and DD7 weight of the world on her shouldershmm)

FanFuckingTastic Sat 02-Feb-13 20:39:20

I experience anger in this form as a part of depression and anxiety OP, as soon as I take the medication it stops being so difficult to manage and I get angry very rarely. Anger is also heightened by lack of sleep and lots of stressors, which is quite common if you have a child with behaviour special needs I've found.

Two avenues of self help would be to see your GP and just check that it might not be worth trying some medication if things are all getting on top of you, they give me a balance of emotion rather than the overwhelming scream of emotions I have without them. And perhaps find a way of getting some good rest periods on a regular basis, whether it be family and friends/homestart/social services etc. Having my carer and knowing I can hand her over at 7:30am and just sleep for hours is one of the things that keeps me going through the worst nights.

You sound lonely, I hope you've found a place in SN? Sometimes I feel completely alone in the world, so I am glad to have mumsnet here for these times.

TheLightPassenger Sat 02-Feb-13 15:57:02

Hi Lowla, glad you have put some pressure on school to support your daughter better.

Insanity and Pag have described very well why a child with language/social difficulties might seem to be lying when they are masking their difficulties with conversation.

If you are NW based, then feel free to PM me to meet up for coffee one day if you fancy - I have an 8 year old with language delay/asd traits, who didn't start speaking beyond single words and echolalia till he was 4.

birdofthenorth Sat 02-Feb-13 09:29:10

Haven't read the whole thread but OP, our DS with autism went through a particularly frustrating phase at age 5 which involved huge physical tantrums and generally making getting from A to B pretty difficult. He soon grew out of it- I wonder if having started school (much more structures than nursery) made him aware he was different for the first time?

As an aside he is now 10 and still can't really be trusted to carry money, though of course we keep trying to increase his independence. A penny and a twenty pound note are the same to him.

lougle Sat 02-Feb-13 08:23:54

mathanxiety, I don't have an anger problem but there are times when I feel in despair when my children do things and don't seem to care. Ok, it isn't as extreme as the OP expresses, but it feels pretty awful.

Lowla please come to the SN section. We understand and we might be able to help a little.

So you get DLA for your DD? If so you might be able to access some clubs for her, etc.

mathanxiety Sat 02-Feb-13 03:42:07

If you don't have an anger problem then how have you bottled things up for two years and felt as if it had all come out yesterday?

Keeping a lid on anger is an anger problem.
You were 'bloody furious' yesterday and you stated very bluntly and unequivocally that your DD had lied to you.

I can't stop crying! I'm actually shaking with anger.

There is anger that all parents feel once a week every year for six years and there is this ^^

I was telling her off all round ASDA after school while buying new trainers and was getting some dirty looks off people.

We always get strange looks in ASDA! usually i just smile and stop and explain dd has autism, which is why she's behaving 'strangely' but yesterday i couldn't be arsed. I was controlled and firm when telling off dd. "Don't run away, dd." "Stop running away, DD", "Come here right now and try these shoes on, DD" "It's not my fault they don't fit properly, or feel the same as the old ones, DD, you need new trainers." Hardly screaming. So please don't make such assumptions.

You are contradicting yourself here.

Are you still reading?
Everything in your posts bespeaks a person who is facing enormous problems on her own with no support, dealing with the most stupid school setup imaginable, the most obtuse parents and family a mother could hope not to have -- everything in your thread screams 'I am alone and drowning.'

Your response has been to bottle it all up and then explode. This is understandable, but there is a better way, and in order to help yourself avoid stress related illness and be the best advocate your DD could possibly have, you need to find that better way and get help with the unhealthy way you deal with anger (and grief, and stress and frustration and everything else that comes with the particular territory you are dealing with).

MerryCouthyMows Sat 02-Feb-13 00:49:41

Pag, I too was Lowla for a while. In fact, I am Lowla for the third time at the moment. I was Lowla when I first realised the extent of my DD's issues. I was Lowla when I was told my DS2 had the same (but to an even greater extent) issues.

And I am currently Lowla again, trying to get my head around the fact that at the same time as my 2yo DS2 is starting the assessment process for Autism, the school have asked the EP to see my DS1 as they believe that my DS1 may have Aspergers.

I'm Lowla too. I'm getting irrationally angry with DS1 when he takes things too literally. I'm getting teary a lot more than usual (I'm not usually a 'crier' but even a single rude comment from one of the DC's can reduce me to tears).

I'm not getting my DC's to school on time, because DS3 is also hyperactive and NEVER. FUCKING. SLEEPS. So I struggle to get out of bed at 6.45am.

I'm struggling to pick the older DS's up from school on time, because I have 1001 appointments that always overrun by at least an hour. This week I had 12 appointments in 5 days. Last week I had 8. Next week I have 15 fucking appointments, I have no idea HOW to pick my DC's up on time, and I have nobody to fucking HELP.

I don't need someone to talk to - I have MN for that. What I need is somebody to do the practical shit like the school run, because I haven't yet worked out how to split myself in half or clone myself in order to be in two places at once.

And my washing machine broke this week. I have NO money to get it fixed or buy a new one. I can't hand wash because of my joint problems, DD's bed wetting and DS2's soiling.

Do I understand how Lowla is feeling? Damn straight I do. It's just so fucking relentless, and I'm going to be doing this without an end in sight. It's not like I know that my DC's will all have moved out by X date - more than one of my DC's may NEVER cope with living independently.

So maybe right now, while I acknowledge that it isn't RIGHT to feel like this, it doesn't mean I'm a fucking saint just because I SHOULD be.

I get frustrated. I get tired. I get exasperated because it feels currently like my DC's are tag teaming me with meltdowns, one after the other without a break.

It's NOT having 'anger issues', it's trying to manage every emotion, all at once, day in and day out, relentlessly, without a break, without a RL support network, and not always being able to do that INTERNALLY.

So, me and Lowla appear to be more HUMAN than some of you other posters, in as much as our internal feelings aren't always appropriate, but we keep them internal / on MN, but we HAVE those feelings.

Obviously those of you that are dealing with a DC with Autism, with very little support, as a Lone Parent, are Superhuman to never even be internally frustrated, angry, upset, or thinking inappropriate thought.

Sorry I don't measure up either!

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 01-Feb-13 23:59:11

i know this is AIBU but the OP has had a needlessly hard time here - try walking a mile and all that. my son is 21 with ASD/dyspraxia/dyslexia.
he has ASD but he does and can lie! he told me he was staying with a pal in Kent and actually went to bloody Seattle!! to meet a girl!!! i didnt find out for 3 months. He is at uni and has an above average IQ. He also gets fantasy and dreams mixed up with reality.
and he lies. he has ASD. some of the theorising on here is laughable. And i have ranted and raved more than once about him - i love him dearly, im his bloody biggest advocate, but that doesnt mean that sometimes i dont crack.
Living with autism is bloody hard work at times. I doubt that i will ever manage to live with him again because he drives me absolutely insane - but i will never stop helping him, never stop loving him, never stop fighting his corner.

Op i hope you are ok. I posted earlier up thread and said you need to find ways to work things - that still stands and school should be helping you to make life easier - i also know that when DS was at primary that didnt happen either....the battles i had with primary school were terrible. i took him out for 3months once....
stick to your guns and enlist the help of anyone who can advise such as OT etc.....they used to come into school to meetings to advise teachers etc on how to deal with DS. Work around problems but be prepared to have things lost on a weekly basis for ever more....DS is 21 and has lost every coat i have ever bought now we get Tesco specials instead of expensive stuff.

minkembra Fri 01-Feb-13 18:11:15

Hats off to you lowla. have to admit they i spent some of the day wondering how those super parents who professed to be so worried and sad for your daughter thought they were helping by putting on their judgy pants and using their pointy finger super power.
And their I would never ever even ever do x y z. Well good for them. (she said half way into getting into her judgy pants)

hope the school does agree to allowing you to drop in money and that you find the trainers

hope that nothing i said offended you.

My ex bf's son was diagnose with autism as a young lad but now no one would ever know as when he hit puberty he just seemed to find social interaction, which was his main issue, became easier. ididn't know him too well when he was younger but the one thing i did learn is that with ASD not to make assumptions about one kid based on another. my ex used to say it was a deck of cards and everyone got a different hand.

I guess we all change in various ways as we grow up.

Think you are very brave.

insanityscratching Fri 01-Feb-13 18:11:01

Dd's expressive language is amazing she has the speech of a newsreader, her vocabulary is vast, she uses very sophisticated grammar correctly. Her communication is significantly impaired though as her receptive levels are significantly below average and she has poor processing skills even though she is exceptionally able academically she finds it very difficult to answer questions that aren't phrased in a way that prompts her to give the right answer and under pressure even then she will struggle.
Ds at the same age who had only acquired speech at age seven had a much smaller gap between expressive and receptive and could when he chose communicate better.
In many ways ds got far more support as people made allowances for his limited speech, dd has a much harder time as people are confused when this obviously very able child struggles to answer simple questions.

zzzzz Fri 01-Feb-13 17:08:38

Speech is not the same as language. If he had significantly below average language comprehension it would significantly impact his learning, but he could still have a very hi IQ and be very "bright", ahead in maths and communicative.

Zzzzz... Ds2 is severely speech delayed.

He also has a high IQ, above average language comprehension, is way ahead of other children his age in terms of numeracy and is universally described as bright and communicative.

He just can't speak very clearly as he has verbal dyspraxia.

Speech delay is not an indication of learning disability.

StuntGirl Fri 01-Feb-13 15:13:05

I'm glad you came back lowla and got to get that off your chest.

Wilson's post at 11:32:06 is very helpful and insightful. I hope you can take some comfort and advice from other parents who've been where you are OP. You're not as alone as you think you are, there is help out there. I hope you can get the support you and your daughter need.

mamamibbo Fri 01-Feb-13 14:46:06

and no matter how much you understand its not their fault its still bloody frustrating!

mamamibbo Fri 01-Feb-13 14:44:50

our school tells you off for going into school with money, i refuse,sorry, my son has asd and he has guitar lessons at £22 a term and i recently had to pay £85 for a trip, no chance is he carrying that

as for the lyingm he has a problem taking responsibilty of his actions so would blame me, i explained this to the teachers and they have seen it for themselves now so i get letters etc posted because i wasnt getting any

HeyHoHereWeGo Fri 01-Feb-13 14:37:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skullcandy Fri 01-Feb-13 13:42:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kiriwawa Fri 01-Feb-13 13:32:42

Oh don't feel bad Stabby - the whole thing's a minefield. I'm glad we have it resolved smile

BinksToEnlightenment Fri 01-Feb-13 13:26:39

I haven't posted yet. I've only read your replies, op.

I think, to be brutally honest, your replies come across as defensive and a little aggressive.

But - big, big but - I would be exactly the same if I were you. I would get annoyed over the things you have. Not because they're annoying in themselves, but because they're happening over and over again and you're powerless to stop it. It's frustrating. I think you were remarkably controlled because when I got myself alone, I would have punched something. To have someone keep losing the nice things you've bought = really frustrating. To have someone consistently lie to you = really frustrating.

Also, I would have gotten cross at everyone making accusations at me. It's bloody horrible having a whole thread turn against you. I don't think anyone does themselves any favours by becoming defensive - but it's really hard not to. To have a whole mass of people turn against you is upsetting; doubly so when it's about your parenting.

Well, I just wanted to say that. I wanted to be another voice amongst the many to be on your side.

AudrinaAdare Fri 01-Feb-13 13:14:09

I wasn't offended at all Stabby smile just having a discussion and thinking about DS' needs led me to wonder if the OP's school understands.

StabbyMacStabby Fri 01-Feb-13 13:11:49

Oh crap,completely wrong! <hides in cupboard>
Apologies all round. Really. sad Sorry.

StabbyMacStabby Fri 01-Feb-13 13:08:39

Kiriwawa, no worries, your definition is what I would call Special Educational Needs but I'm probably incorrect in that.

I suspect that zzzzz thinks I'm very wrong (although no names were named). Although I didn't actually say that "High" referred to severity, I said it referred to a normal or higher IQ which was my understanding from the DSM-IV. I understand that the impairments of autism make for a great many difficulties, including academic learning as well as day-to-day living.

It's a very emotive subject, tbf. sad I don't want to offend anyone. It's hard enough as it is.

Catchingmockingbirds Fri 01-Feb-13 12:58:18

stabby my son is high functioning. He also has a low IQ and his cognitive processing ability is on the 13th percentile. He has a learning difficulty.

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