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To be bloody furious with 5yo dd, and be on the verge of tears over this?

(564 Posts)
Lowla Thu 31-Jan-13 17:39:25

I'm so angry! Been feeling like this since i picked up dd from school, and i'm just getting angrier with her.

Last month, i sent her into school with a week's dinner money in her new purse. Comes out at hometime telling me i forgot to give her dinner money. The purse is gone, as is the money. No one's seen it nor handed it in. So the teacher told me the school made her up a little sandwich for free.

I've told dd she's not allowed school dinners again, and will have to take packed lunches. She's upset about this because school dinners sit separately from packed lunches, and her 'best friend' is always school dinner.

Today she had P.E. I sent her in with her kit and new shoes.

She comes out at hometime saying i forgot to pack her p.e. kit. Everything was missing. Finally managed to track down her shorts and top in the classroom but her new shoes are gone (they cost me £25!). She says she lost them before P.E and she had to do it in her school hard shoes instead.

I've now had to go and buy a cheap pair of trainers for £5 from ASDA, which don't fit properly because she's a half size, and i had to go into my food budget for them.

She just doesn't give a shit. She has ASD and she just keeps saying 'oh well. never mind. we'll just buy new ones.'

I honestly feel like punching a wall. I realise i'm being totally irrational, but it's the lying that accompanies the losing stuff which pisses me off most. Her teacher claims dd told her that i forgot to pack her gym stuff today. DD also told them last time i gave her no dinner money. In the school's eyes - it's me that's forgetting stuff, not DD.

Since she started school, she's managed to lose a tie, a pair of glasses, a pair of gym shoes, a filled pencil case, her dinner money and purse, her new trainers, her blazer. And i've only got half of the stuff back, despite it being labelled.

Argh! She's in the next room loudly drawing a picture and saying to herself, "This will sure cheer mummy up! Her favourite - a butterfly!"

Dreading her coming in to give me it, because i'm really still angry with her and i'll end up hurting her feelings.

I'm at the end of my tether with her. I can't keep buying her replacement stuff, but what other choice do i have? She NEEDS a tie, she NEEDS a blazer etc etc etc. I'm just so angry with her!

skullcandy Thu 31-Jan-13 17:56:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bakingtins Thu 31-Jan-13 17:56:37

Giving a 5 yr old £10 is madness - pay the office yourself. The kit is more problematic. I'd replace it with second hand stuff if the school sell it and say she can't have new things until she can look after them. What are school saying about it? Are you sure someone isn't maliciously taking her things? I understand they have thirty kids to deal with but 5 yr olds need some help getting their stuff together, ASD or not.
Start teaching her the value of money - we give DS, 6, virtual pocket money of £1 a week on Roosterbank, then if he wants something he has to save for it. It is helping him understand how much the toys he wants cost, and that you can't spend money twice.

wooliebearsrule Thu 31-Jan-13 17:56:38

that is FAR too much for a 5yr old to look after. none of mine at that age would have been able to be trusted with £10 to last for a weeks worth of lunch.

XBenedict Thu 31-Jan-13 17:57:10

Oh and as for all the other stuff that's gone missing - it's so bloody frustrating isn't it? Our school keep sending home notes saying please label your DCs kit - even that goes missing. angry

MunchkinsMumof2 Thu 31-Jan-13 17:57:18

YABVU Good God woman,she is tiny and autistic! You expect waaaaaaay too much from her, thank her for the picture,forgive her for losing things and just be more thoughtful about her needs.

FeistyLass Thu 31-Jan-13 17:57:25

The attitude of the teacher sounds odd. Why on earth would she believe dd over you? confused As others have said, do the school know that your dd needs extra support? If the teacher is always so unhelpful, I'd be having a meeting with the head to put processes in place to help your dd.

Pandemoniaa Thu 31-Jan-13 17:57:40

You sound at the end of your tether and I'm wondering whether these two incidents are the tip of the iceberg. Because I'm sure that you realise you are being U in expecting someone as young as 5 and with ASD to be responsible for large sums of money. She also seems to have an awful lot of uniform to remember.

So as others have said, please talk to the school and explain that your dd needs extra help and support.

waltermittymissus Thu 31-Jan-13 17:57:49

That policy is shit for a start.

Ask the teacher why things keep going missing when your dd is in her care.

But, FFS, stop expecting so much of a five year old with ASD!!!

drjohnsonscat Thu 31-Jan-13 17:58:03

This is school's problem, surely? Their dinner money policy is daft.

I know that's not helpful but perhaps you should go and see school and come up with an alternative arrangement that takes into account her ASD (if you need an extra reason - the fact that she's five should suffice but clearly the school have not made the right arrangemnets available for five year olds to date).

JaponicaTroggs Thu 31-Jan-13 17:58:15

As a parent of an autistic child I understand how frustrated you feel but unfortunately you are just at the beginning of a steep learning curve. You cannot let you DD take responsibilty for things like money, It's guaranteed to end in disaster.
My DS is now 14 and at a special school and losing things is still a daily occurence. He has the organisational skills of a gnat. He still has the same "oh well" attitude. Do you have a statement/IEP? It sounds like the school should be helping her with this sort of thing.
Your dd is so little and can't cope with all that information in her head. They don't have room to remember give teacher money, pick my shoes up etc. Just coping with the world is hard enough for them.

Today she said to me, "Why don't you have another look at home - just to make sure you definitely did pack them. If not there, we'll look again tomorrow." - this doesn't mean that the teacher 'believes DD over you'. Chill. Say 'Yes'. The next day say 'Just as I thought it definitely did go to school, no chance of a mistake, please can you look again?'

I'm sorry you feel so upset, but this isn't your DD's problem, these are your feelings not hers. Do you have support with parenting her? Are there other sources oam, i opened dd's bag, and reminded her a final time what was in her bag.^ you're taking

MiniEggsinJanuary Thu 31-Jan-13 17:59:06

She's five!!!! Don't the school take more responsibility for the children's belongings?

LtEveDallas Thu 31-Jan-13 17:59:27

My DD is 7, nearly 8. She is NT. I wouldn't trust her with a tenner, not at all. She's also lost 3 named school sweatshirts, a lunch box, two white T Shirts and god knows how many pairs of gloves.

It's normal. DD is normal. Your DD is normal.

Unclench. Calm down and accept that a five year old just cannot have that sort of responsibility, seriously hon, they can't.

DiamondDoris Thu 31-Jan-13 17:59:28

Also, don't worry what the school might think of you - they probably are not thinking you are a bad mum! My DS went to school in his wee-soaked nappy (he wets the bed) - I'd put his trousers on in a hurry. I thought, good grief what must the teachers think of me??? But honestly I'm sure they understand - they know my DS and can probably guess what he's like in the mornings.

Ignore the last bit of post! I meant to ask 'Are there other sources of stress on you?' and then I was going to say about you helping your DD know what was in her bag and ask how she reacted when you were doing that. But it posted while I was still typing...

Shakirasma Thu 31-Jan-13 18:00:50


How long has she being diagnosed? What have you done to learn about and research her condition?

I am thinking not a lot tbh because you are irrationally angry at her for things you should know she cannot help, and your expectations of her are ridiculous.

As a parent who also has a 5yo with ASD, my heart breaks for her.

Yfronts Thu 31-Jan-13 18:01:56

Is everything labeled?

Talk to the teacher and highlight the problem.

Agree with keeping her on packed lunch this week and everything she mentiones it explain why calmly.

Replace any item with second hand from the office.

Agree with handing the money in yourself. Explain that you are not risking her losing it again.

Lowla Thu 31-Jan-13 18:05:21

Argh! I can't stop crying! I'm actually shaking with anger.

Took the picture, said thanks. She's now next door writing me a letter. Shouting through, "How do you spell 'promise' 'never' 'lose' etc.

Okay, she's just come in with it. "I promise i will never lose my stuff again."

I gave her a cuddle and said sorry. Then she said, quite cheerily, "It's okay, you bought me new ones. I don't need to find the other ones now."

I feel like screaming! Had to ask her to go and play in her room for ten minutes.

She doesn't have a statement/assistant or anything, but a learning support plan. And a weekly visit from SALT. Her learning is fine. It's just stupid things like losing stuff that's the problem.

Her teacher's lovely and will happily go and look for things each day when i send dd back inside.

We don't have an online system for school money.

It's the purse i'm really annoyed about. It was linked by a key chain onto a zip inside her bag.

I've asked her if anyone's took her things, and she says no, she's just lost them. I believe her. I can tell when she's lying.

anklebitersmum Thu 31-Jan-13 18:05:51

I get it. Absolutely. BUT she's only 5. Irrespective of anything else, she is only 5.

Mine lose things on a regular basis. Usually when I can least afford to replace them and when there's no wriggle time on replacement. DS2 has lost more PE kit than I care to think about and has blamed me every single time.

"Mummy forgot" he'll say, looking angelic. Cue pious, pontificating teacher (or worse TA) at hometime-normally in front of the 'perfect Mummies' for good effect.

I figured I'd stop that and he'd go on the bus..lost two weeks worth of ticket on the first day angry hmm

Take a deep breath (or three), set face to smile and head in to see your still very young daughter.

I do the tiny hand reminder. As you're checking out her drawing put your hand on hers and think about the size difference grin

WandaDoff Thu 31-Jan-13 18:06:09

My 15 year old still struggles to not lose his stuff & he's NT.

I have a 3 yr old DD with ASD & she wouldn't even understand to concept of losing stuff.

I think maybe you are expecting too much.

Strangemagic Thu 31-Jan-13 18:06:37

She is 5 with asd ,my son is 9 with asd he has no attachment to "stuff".Telling her she has her stuff means nothing to her,you need to reinforce visually,take photos get her to check them off,and you need to do this all the time and you will still need to be prepared for her to loose things.
I think this is not so much related to her asd,but about being 5,she will not pick up that you are upset or why so please take her butterfly picture and be kind to her and yourself and calm down

AllThatGlistens Thu 31-Jan-13 18:06:59

Oh god... Seriously, you need to back off, your expectations are completely unrealistic.

She's five, just five years old sad

My DS has ASD and at almost 9 I couldn't expect him to remember those things!

She's still so very little, this isn't her fault.

I think the school need to be made much more aware of her level of capability, and along with you, should be lifting the responsibility that she clearly cannot handle yet.

Poor little mite.

Nanny0gg Thu 31-Jan-13 18:07:21

Most of this is not unusual for an NT 5 year-old, let alone one with ASD. She's only in Reception, they should be being much more helpful and supportive.

Arrange a meeting with the teacher and SENCo. Has your daughter got an IEP yet? They need to be made aware of what is and isn't realistic.

Letmeintroducemyself Thu 31-Jan-13 18:07:57

I understand totally unrelated I lost mf temper with my ds this morning because he was tanteumming. and his behaviour really wasn't his fault

its really hard - even when you know they can't help it.

Lowla Thu 31-Jan-13 18:08:15

The £25 shoes were from Clarks.

She can't get cheap ones because her feet are an awkward size/shape.

She uses her gym shoes normally, but today they required trainers as they were doing P.E outside.

So now i've had to get a replacement pair from ASDA that don't even fit her.

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