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Aibu to ask are you an alpha mummy? Is your dd a queen bee??

(190 Posts)
TheSecondComing Wed 30-Jan-13 16:45:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits Wed 30-Jan-13 19:21:27

I don't believe there is such a thing as an 'alpha' mum -it is just in other people's minds. Same with 'queen bee' -just generally a well rounded DD who is good at things. I think there is a lot of jealousy and insecurity in applying terms.

Snog Wed 30-Jan-13 19:22:37

QB in my dd's class is very pretty, very clever and very sporty, popular with the majority of both boys and girls but also extremely manipulative and even if you don't like her you need to pretend to be her friend, on at least some level.

Itsnearlysummertime Wed 30-Jan-13 19:23:25

I'm actually quite popular (at school as well as outside it). I have some lovely friends, chat to everyone and like TSC I'm fat, 40 (or over!). I do manage a shower before dropping the kids off though as I go straight to work wink

It's my DD who is unpopular. If there are reasons for this other than social exclusion, then I would love to know what these are, as myself and the school are at a loss.

TheSecondComing Wed 30-Jan-13 19:32:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AThingInYourLife Wed 30-Jan-13 19:38:48

"I'm actually quite popular (at school as well as outside it)."

Popular everywhere you go?

Women like you are the worst.

Itsnearlysummertime Wed 30-Jan-13 19:40:36

TSC your life sounds very like mine! DH no big shot, but a lovely lovely Dad and husband.

Prefer Homes under the hammer on my days off though, with a coffee and chocolate digestive!

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 19:41:54


I think itsnearlysummertime posted that as context.
Hers is the thread about popularity at school that gave some food or thought about this thread.

I think you are misunderstanding her point a bit.

Itsnearlysummertime Wed 30-Jan-13 19:43:24

Yes everywhere I go. Everyone loves me grin

ScaredSheFindsMe Wed 30-Jan-13 19:43:26

I think this is a very real phenomenon - using the term sociopath might be less gender biased. I have known two - one man I worked with who everyone (who didn't't have to work with him) found to be very polite, lovely and charming. Generally because he was schmoozing in order to get something from them. He ended up being fired as his attitude was deemed to be impossible to work with.

The other was a woman I encountered in the school playground and yes on the PTA. She used her charms mainly on the teachers, in particular the head teacher and on some parents she decided were worth her effort. Her payback was her DD would be chosen for things such as visits outside school, lead part in the play etc and in general was somehow seen as being untouchable due to being her DD. On at least one occasion parents (not me) complained about this perceived favouritism but nothing was done. She manipulated every situation for her DD's benefit e.g. athletics training before sports day - for children aged 7 or 8!

What I found really interesting was that not everyone could see her true colours and anyone who could was immediately excluded. She could be seen to be popular and did have her little group of followers but as others have suggested this seemed due to fear. I do know she was a nasty manipulative woman due to overhearing comments she made about others and seeing situations where she manipulated DD and her friendships and having tantrums when things didn't go her way. There were at least two people in the group that she sidelined. She seriously scared me so I kept well away and just talked to other people. I don't have any children at the school now but can see that she has exhausted that as a social arena and has now moved on to an out of school activity where unfortunately I sometimes do run into her- she is doing all the same behaviours. Being ever so helpful at events (payback free entry) and generally being super friendly and charming to the organisers - result DD in every show they put on....

I guess I will be called paranoid but honestly such people do exist!

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 19:44:47

Some people are nice and sunny and popular

Some people are not very nice and manipulative and throw their weight around

Some are adults of both gender

Some are children of both gender

They all have different labels

But they do exist.

TheSecondComing Wed 30-Jan-13 19:45:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 19:45:50

Yes, they do, scared.

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 19:47:57

So - given that these women are very popular with a huge coterie - who here is friends with women at school simply because they feel they have too?

If queen bees and alpha mums are everywhere then a huge swathe of mners must be friends with the sociopath at school and encourage their DD to be friends with the class manipulator.

[a bit baffled]

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 19:49:15

There was a QB (for want of a better label) in my dd's class a few years ago. She was bright and pretty and confident, streets in front of everyone else socially, and everyone else wanted to be her friend. I saw quite a lot of her as she and dd were good friends (for a while) and it was interesting to see how things developed. The other children gave her way too much power because they were too young and afraid to know how not to, and she wielded that power, but you could see it didn't really make her happy, but she was too young to know how not to take advantage of it...

A strange and vicious little mess all round.

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 19:50:04

I don't doubt they exist but I just don't think that they are the norm.

Most people are dead average just trying to get through the day without fucking up.

Theicingontop Wed 30-Jan-13 19:50:07

It's interesting. The girls that bullied me at school, now have children, and I suppose are what people on here (and only here, because I've never heard the term in real life) describe as 'Alpha mums'.

They have exclusive circles of minions mums who generally are the same people who they socialised with at school, too. It's all a bit weird imo. It's like they never moved on from their school days and are reliving them, bitchiness and bullying included.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 19:50:19

I am pleasant to everyone and friends with some people mainly the odd ones like me

TheSecondComing Wed 30-Jan-13 19:52:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody Wed 30-Jan-13 19:53:25

Not sure why I have been critisised?

Put it another way. If you think you are an 'alpha mum' then look begging you. Noone cares or bothers unless they are stuck in high school mode.

Grow up. Maybe get a job/life.

I honestly would find anyone who thinks they are an 'alpha mum' hilarious and definatly boring.

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 19:53:48

My friend used to say that first day at school she turned up with a box of wine and some cigarettes under her arm.
Those that chatted were likely to be the most fun and the least judgemental.

I always thought it was a high risk strategy grin
She did become my best friend though so...

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 19:56:13

I don't think I associate alpha mums with horridness necessarily. The people I consider alpha mums are those with loads of energy who always look nice and take their children to five million things a week and organise loads of stuff and all that. They aren't necessarily horrid. Just very energetic and involved.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 19:56:45

That is a sound strategy Pag.

AThingInYourLife Wed 30-Jan-13 19:57:24

"A thing, are you saying there's no such thing as someone who is popular most places they go?"


No, I was just joking.

As in - if women who are popular at school gates are nasty, scheming bitches, women who are well-liked everywhere must be EVIL.

Hullygully Wed 30-Jan-13 19:57:27

I don't know any like in the op

But I may have just not noticed

GetOrf Wed 30-Jan-13 20:01:17

I think the slagging off of 'cliques' at the school gate is a bit like the MN royalty shite which gets hurled around on here. Sometimes it is no more than people who have known each other for a bit passing the time of day. I am sure that a lot of these nasty cliques are just people projecting their own insecurities onto groups of women that they see gossipping every day.

Not that I picked up dd from school a lot. But because I was rarely there I wasn't spoken to very much. Which was fine. They didn't see me every day anyway.

DD is not a queen bee - absolutely not. She is rather nerdy and most of her mates are blokes.

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