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Aibu to ask are you an alpha mummy? Is your dd a queen bee??

(190 Posts)
TheSecondComing Wed 30-Jan-13 16:45:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 30-Jan-13 16:50:35

Actually, it seems that there may be a heritable component to both being a bully and being the victim of bullies. It is also the nature of group to bond over common enemies and for people to exclude to be included themselves.

I am a nerd and therefore not ever an alpha. However, since leaving school and surrounding myself with people who are my types, I give people the impression I don't care and therefore, bizarrely, have become popular. Weird.

CailinDana Wed 30-Jan-13 16:50:48

I think I might be seen as an alpha mum, not at school as DS is only 2 but at the playgroup I run. I think what happens is that because I'm friendly I'm popular but some people, perhaps through insecurity, read too much into my friendliness and then when I'm not as friendly at a later stage because I'm busy/tired/preoccupied they take offence. It bugs me that their self esteem rides so much on whether I bloody smile at them or not!

anklebitersmum Wed 30-Jan-13 16:51:14

I am the ultimate alpha Mummy.

In fact I am so alpha that I don't even do the playground anymore-they go to and fro on the bus grin

Poledra Wed 30-Jan-13 16:52:03

I wouldn't use the term 'queen bee' about a child, but I do know (as I said on the other thread) some of my DD's problems in school were because she wanted people to do things her way. And when we spoke to the school about some of the issues, her teacher said that, while the other child had taken things too far, most of it arose from DD1 and the other child being two very strong characters, more so than the other girls in the class, and they were, to quote the teacher, figuratively clashing heads.

I can't be an alpha mummy, I'm only in the playground one day a week grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 30-Jan-13 16:52:05

I thought everybody was? It certainly seems like it! grin

CailinDana Wed 30-Jan-13 16:52:41

Just to be clear, I'm definitely not a bully! I just notice that some mums seem to only talk to me and get quite despondent if I don't talk to them. I also had situations in school where girls came to me in tears wondering why "I didn't like them any more." I was totally wtf??

AmazingBouncingFerret Wed 30-Jan-13 16:56:44

Funny TSC I was just today thinking about the Queen Bee DD thing after reading a thread on here. Someone on here must be the parent to one!

HecateWhoopass Wed 30-Jan-13 16:57:22

No and no

CailinDana Wed 30-Jan-13 16:57:38

I had a bizarre situation at school where a girl I knew pretty well tried to bully my best friend, and another girl, E, was led astray by the bully and got involved sort of against her will. My best friend was not one to be bullied and it was all resolved very fast but then E came to me, absolutely distraught, begging me to forgive her! I was totally baffled until she explained that of all people I had to like her or she would never have any friends. I was totally nonplussed but said of course I forgave her and I wouldn't ever stop anyone from being friends with her. She said if I didn't like her, no one would like her confused So so odd but gave me insight into how I was seen by others. It wasn't a situation I liked one bit to be honest.

Annunziata Wed 30-Jan-13 16:58:01

I am not an alpha mummy, but I do worry about DD2 being a queen bee.

Pagwatch Wed 30-Jan-13 16:59:24

Ok. I will be brave.

My DD is probably a queen Bee in that she is popular, confident, very good at sports and chatty. She gets invitations to every party pretty much and gets roles in school plays and medals at sports competitions. Nothing like me. Nothing like DS1 either - he was very shy and disappeared in a crowd.

I get sad about the popular = bitchy things.
She very kind. She likes her friends and gets upset if they are upset. She was being bullied a few months ago and ddn't tell for ages because she just thought they would stop if she kept being nice.
Her popularity arises in part from being kind to people, always including people, being happy and fun to be around. It's not because she is some mega bitch who manipulates others.

I am not an alpha mum. I am quite shy but I compensate by being very noisy so I expect I look more confident than I am.

I think we look at others and project. A lot.

MummytoMog Wed 30-Jan-13 17:00:29

I am a bit of a Queen Bee. DD probably will be too, but I think as long as she is considerate of the feelings of others, I'm not going to make her pretend to be less confident. The other mothers don't like me much, but they do like my nanny. So that's ok.

She is SO bossy. It's hilarious at home (particularly given how little language she has).

Abra1d Wed 30-Jan-13 17:04:07

She doesn't actually sound like a queenbee, Pagwatch. As far as I have read, QBs tend to be more manipulative, using their powers to dictate how things go. You can be popular without being a QB. There are girls in my daughters' school who are popular because they are good at sport but also very friendly and nice to everyone. The QBs are the ones who pull strings to get things going the way they want. Often by threatening people with exclusion if they don't play ball. QBs often won't have you in their group if you fail in some important criterion: looking too young/being bad at netball, etc.

Chandon Wed 30-Jan-13 17:06:24

Haha, good question.

I have never met an alpha mummy, not on the playground, not at the PTA, not at the school fetes, i have now moved Dc to private school, but still, just NO alpha mums. Just some harrassed working mums, and some more relaxed and chatty mums with more time, and then a few awkward ones.

No queen bees either. Never ever.

Sometimes I think I live in a paralel universe to MN. But in a way, I tink my universe is a bit friendlier ( no brats, little Tarquins or bitches at our school either).

Jinsei Wed 30-Jan-13 17:12:28

I'm with pag. I am most definitely not an alpha mummy but my dd might well be regarded as a "queen bee", in that she is popular, makes friends very easily, does well at most things and seems to get picked for everything. However, she isn't bitchy or mean. On the contrary, I'm sure she has her moments, but from all that I hear, she is actually very kind and very accepting of other children, and I think that's partly what makes her popular. It may also have something to do with the fact that she is very confident and always has been - not in an arrogant way, it's just like it never occurred to her to be shy.

She is the complete opposite of her mother. I am shy, have poor self-esteem and sometimes wish could be invisible. However, I've developed strategies to cope with this over the years, so it probably isn't immediately obvious to those who don't know me well.

I envy dd sometimes. I wonder what it's like to be so at ease with yourself and with other people, and to be naturally charismatic. I firmly believe that she was born that way. She certainly hasn't learnt it from me!

Fecklessdizzy Wed 30-Jan-13 17:14:12

Well I'm The Dread And All-Powerful Empress Of The Galaxy and you lot only exist in my imagination anyway so I think that's probably a yes ...

MummytoMog Wed 30-Jan-13 17:14:30

I generally think of QBs as being bossy, rather than manipulative. I'm certainly bossy, but I don't think I manipulate and DD at three isn't terribly manipulative!

Itsnearlysummertime Wed 30-Jan-13 17:15:48

Queen bee doesn't necessarily mean popular. You can be popular without being manipulative, sneaky and controlling other people.

pagwatch Your DD sounds lovely.

DoctorAnge Wed 30-Jan-13 17:19:06

I was an Alpha of sorts at Pre- school but since moving DD to private school I witnessed alphas of a whole new breed and level.
Here you really have to be rich to be an alpha mum here. But I have a buch of Mums I talk to and am comfortable with. The alpha crowd involves a lot of high key socialising, competitiveness and subtle mutual bullying. You also have to have designer clothes and be very groomed.

The QB in DDs class has a nasty streak. Queens are not just popular and nice, they rule by, well fear really..

Itsnearlysummertime Wed 30-Jan-13 17:23:10

Incidentally, there is a little girl in DDs class similar to your DDs Pagwatch and jinsei and she is lovely. Friendly to everyone - has helped DD in the past etc. I wouldn't describe her as a queen bee, just a lovely easy going happy child.

DD does play with her sometimes, but she is more friendly with the other girls and gets invited to all their parties etc so the bond with other children is stronger.

(I started the other thread by the way)!

Ps am not an alpha mum - just chat to whoever chats to me, normally grandparents!

Jinsei Wed 30-Jan-13 17:25:31

You also have to have designer clothes and be very groomed.

Ha, rules me out then! grin

gabrielemerson Wed 30-Jan-13 17:27:15

Being popular doesnt make you a queen bee. QB's are are usually manipulative and spiteful girls.

rhondajean Wed 30-Jan-13 17:29:13


Queen bees are not popular, they do not make friends easily. They rule through fear, people are afraid to leave them out because they are so manipulative their life would be hell.

Its usually a surprise to the other girls who secretly despise them when they realise that most other people feel the same but aren't brave enough to come out and say it.

Both my DDs are very strong girls but any signs of QBing would and have been firmly squashed. I wouldn't want a child like that.

Alpha mummies always strike me as somewhat desperate too - not comfortable with themselves. There's a lot of research regarding self esteem coming through suggesting that high self esteem - not confidence - is actually a bad thing in both young people and adults and can lead to people being afraid to take risks and afraid to fail or seem less than perfect.

Being genuinely popular is usually because you are fun, relaxed, warm and have a real interest in other people.

prettypolly1 Wed 30-Jan-13 17:29:37

Not too sure about the people here implying their DDs are perfect. Yes, incredibly brave of you to admit that hmm

I assume that is all your doing? Maybe a little too much ego-boosting of the DDs as shown in this thread causes queen bee mentality.

FWIW ALL children are capable of being mean. That means nothing against either them or you.

But i know that despite your DDs seemingly lovely personality, they will have upset other children many times. You just wouldn't be able to see it.

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