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To not get people putting messages on FB to relatives that have been dead for years?

(236 Posts)
Wampingwillow Wed 30-Jan-13 13:12:25

I just don't get why anyone would want to wish their mother/ father/brother etc a happy birthday on Facebook when they've been dead for 10 years! Obviously they are dead and I would expect that the family and close friends would know that it would have been their birthday so why the need to let everyone else know? Is it just so they can get loads of 'sending you hugz Hun' messages and while we are at it why to people like the status? Do they really like the fact that your relative is dead?

wigglesrock Wed 30-Jan-13 14:25:05

I've done it, my Godmother would have been 60 last year - her daughter was a teenager when she died, she put a post up on Facebook and we all replied. Her other brothers and sisters are in different countries - they all can't go to the grave, go to Mass together so its connects them. I don't get what the big deal is - it's how people remember their loved ones.

badguider Wed 30-Jan-13 14:31:25

btw. If I was to post about my friend who died "missing x today on her birthday" nobody would say "aww hugs hun" and neither would i want them to... what they would say was 'x made the world a better place' or 'x was a special person we were lucky to know' - something nice and affirming.

JustAHolyFool Wed 30-Jan-13 14:31:44

Wow HugeLaurie how unthinking of them. Sorry that happened.

MolehillAlchemy Wed 30-Jan-13 16:09:40

It's just a way of speaking to the universe isn't it? It's pretty common in all cultures to leave messages for the dead. Whether it's an annual parade, a rock on a hillside or now, a note on Facebook.

And even if people do it just for people to say, "Aw hugz babe, thinking of u" well so what!

Dear Universe. I am grieving. Please acknowledge my grief. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Pandemoniaa Wed 30-Jan-13 16:15:50

One of my dearest friends died suddenly two years ago. It really was a totally shocking, completely out of the blue, tragedy made all the worse by her age and the fact that she left young adult dcs behind who were, in every way, unprepared to lose their mother.

Her Facebook page is still active. Her dcs have got enormous comfort from it. It is not a vicarious desire to share their feelings with what you insultingly describe as the FB throng because the page is limited to family and close friends. But call it ridiculous if you like but I feel just that bit closer to my lovely friend when I leave her messages on significant days. I know she is dead. But she'll never be forgotten.

It's hugely insensitive to dictate how other people find ways through the grieving process.

StuntGirl Wed 30-Jan-13 16:24:57

You sound very insensitive OP. Do you often dictate to others how they should feel? Surely by going through the grieving process yourself you have discovered not everyone grieves the same?

I know someone who deals with a death by talking about it all the ruddy time. Every time I see her she talks about it, and the person, and personally I find that quite suffocating and unnatural. If she (the deceased) were still here she wouldn't be the focus of every conversation, and I struggle to have it 'in my face' every time I see my friend. However, it is clearly her way of dealing with it so I let her get on with it.

BabyRoger Wed 30-Jan-13 16:26:14

OP - do you mind people saying happy birthday on FB to their alive relatives and friends?

My mum died and I say happy birthday, happy mothers day etc. I think you are really insensitive. Why shouldn't I?

I most certainly do not do it because I "like RIPing on the internet" or I am looking for comments about it. Really, do people think that if someone is posting about a close relative like a parent or child who has died is only doing it for a bit of attention?

I am just putting it out there - I want to say happy birthday to her in person but I can't, it's just a channel to say it.


elliejjtiny Wed 30-Jan-13 16:33:29

My cousin died 4 years ago. His facebook page is still open and my auntie always posts on it on significant dates. I always like the post or comment because that's what I'd like people to do if it was one of my children.

LadyWidmerpool Wed 30-Jan-13 16:35:58

I wish my stupid bereaved friends would STFU about their grief. Attention seekers.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 30-Jan-13 16:37:10

Anything that anybody does in public is judged. Should anybody care about that? No. Does it affect the way they behave? No. People do what they want to do.

I agree with the OP; I don't post anything on Facebook. This isn't facebook, it's AIBU and there are always questions asked that will offend somebody. The thread title is clear, why read it if it will upset you?

Do what you want to do but accept that not everybody will feel the same way as you do about it anymore than you feel the same way as them.

Spice17 Wed 30-Jan-13 16:45:58

My cousins 13 year old daughter put the other day 'RIP Mum, can't believe it's been 2 years, love you' Is it that sot of comment you don't like OP? Because I think people should do whatever the fuck they want with their Facebook account and if it bothers you that much, just unfriend them.

nailak Wed 30-Jan-13 16:51:50

who decided "grief is a private matter" and made that the law? ffs

now there is a right and a wrong way to grieve?

I suppose you dont see the point of funerals or memorial services or gravestones for that matter as "grief is a private matter"

and yes this does seem part of a bigger issue that people just seem to hate whatever other people post on fb, pics of food hate it, politics hate it, memories, hate it,

if you are so intolerant it is your issue.

IcanandIwill Wed 30-Jan-13 16:54:51

Just because they've been dead 10 years does not mean you miss them any less. I've grieved the loss of someone very close, very publically on FB. It's therapeutic to get those feelings out there. Grief is very personal and each to their own I say.

expatinscotland Wed 30-Jan-13 16:59:24

Yes, let's just hide away grief over the natural life event that is death, that'll make it go away and stuff. hmm

Our attitude towards death and bereavement in this culture is ridiculous, as OPs like this demonstrate.

Why do they do it? Why do you care? Hide them and move on, or better yet, block people who do this before they find out they've got someone this insensitive as a 'friend'.

SonOfAradia Wed 30-Jan-13 16:59:35

People always want to remember their Beloved Dead. It's been going on since our species was very young.

Go to any country in Central or Eastern Europe and the cemetries at night are beautifully lit up because relatives have left long-burning candles in coloured glass jars. This happens to some extent every night of the year, but on Saint's days and festivals, the graveyards become a blaze of colour.

In Britain we don't really go in for that so much. I wasn't even allowed to put such a coloured light on the place in a church graveyard where my dad's ashes are scattered. In these modern times, the Facebook page of a deceased relative or friend provides an outlet for grief, a place where memories can be shared by those who loved them. It's really simple to understand.

threesocksmorgan Wed 30-Jan-13 17:00:27

terrible isn't it op.
how dare I mention my mum who died when I was 18 on fb.

SonOfAradia Wed 30-Jan-13 17:02:58

I meant to add also that in European cemetries, the gravestones often have a small picture of the person buried there, as a reminder. Not so different to a facebook profile photo in concept.

expatinscotland Wed 30-Jan-13 17:06:34

To think, we have entire days set aside to remember dead soldiers from decades ago, not to mention all those memorials in nearly every town with dead peoples' names on them. Even the Queen goes on telly and participates in remembering all these dead people in front of the entire nation! Gah, haven't we all just 'moved on'? Must be doing it for attention.

Who'd have thunk it?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Wed 30-Jan-13 17:08:00

Yes YABU to not 'get' why people are different to you.

You are also BU to start a thread guaranteed to upset other people when you clearly have NO intention of even trying to understand that POV.

What on earth was your motivation to start this hurtful thread?

oldraver Wed 30-Jan-13 17:08:32

I really dont see it as any different to an In Memoriam in the local paper, that seems to be an acceptable way of remembering a deceased loved one and no-one questions it....FB is just the modern way of doing things

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Wed 30-Jan-13 17:09:38

Oh and for what it's worth... I don't 'do' facebook, so no personal axe to grind.

madlymoo Wed 30-Jan-13 17:15:07

My Dad's facebook page is still open, he passed away last September. My sister and I quite regularly put a little message on for him. Its not meant for other people to read really and if they do read it, who are they to judge? It helps us in the grieving process. So personally speaking, if it makes people feel a little better, why not. I wouldn't belittle anyone wishing to remember their passed on loved ones in a way which suits them.

Sleepthief Wed 30-Jan-13 17:17:25

YABU. On the first birthday after he'd died I sent my dad an email wishing him a happy birthday (his work hadn't deleted his account). Made me feel better. Also every year on his birthday and the anniversary of his death either I or one of my brothers and sisters post a FB status tagging each other showing that we're still thinking of him. We're spread around the world and don't get a chance to talk much. Loads of friends and relatives 'like' it to show they're thinking of us and remembering him. I guess either you have never lost anyone you love or that you find it difficult to empathise with others...

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Wed 30-Jan-13 17:23:34

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

usualsuspect Wed 30-Jan-13 17:26:14

It's a way of dealing with grief, If it helps someone a tiny bit how can that be a bad thing?

What a fucking horrible OP.

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