WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself(370 Posts)
I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.
DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.
At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.
DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"
Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"
DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.
DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)
I say "No. No queue. Why?"
DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"
Me: "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."
DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"
Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op
Me: "Oh fuck off DH"
Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.
WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?
Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.
Oh catgirl I read the OP and was halfway through the responses before I realised it was you. You cone across as so together in your posts usually, I was surpised to find the absolute doormat I was reading about was you!
Your husband is not being a great dad. Or a great husband. Or honestly, he's not even being a great person. It's not nice to leave all the work of running a house and a family to someone else, regardless of whether they're the stay at home or work out of the home parent.
He's acting like a dick. Now he may have underlying reasons for doing so (depression has been floated I see), but he's still acting like a dick.
He bucks his ideas up (gets help if needs be) or he fucks off. Your role in life is not to facilitate his.
I do have a cleaner (2 people for 1 hour once a week) but there is still loads to do
And he moans about that being a PITA as he has to leave the house for a whole hour as is uncomfortable being in
Have you tried talking to him? Make a list of what you do vs what he does. Any decent person would be ashamed at the discrepancy.
Yes about 18 months, I think
I remember the first time I read you posting about him, you were still pregnant
Why do I remember? Because tbh based on lots of other things you post, I have so much respect for you -- you are really successful, funny, smart, you seem to really have it together. And I was quite frankly shocked that you were having to deal with a DH who seemed to have fallen apart so thoroughly. And I'm surprised tbh that nothing seems to have changed.
He needs a massive wakeup call. You can't go on like this, it's just not fair to you at all.
I know it's hardly the point, but I can't get over the fact that he never cooks a meal while doing fuck all all day long, yet sees fit to moan about what you organise to eat!!!
Just says it all to me....lazy, useless, selfish, ridiculous man.
I am gutted for you. It is totally unacceptable in every single way imaginable.
The OP is on transmit, not receive. Might as well talk to the wall.
You sound absolutely exhausted, it's tiring even reading your post! He is treating you really badly. He should have the house sorted, meals, shopping as well as care of your son. You are doing too much considering there is another adult on the scene. Anyone can see this. I'm not sure why he is treating you like this but it is totally unsustainable. Most sahp do the above as part of the "job", allowing for the fact that sometimes there are tough days/weeks with babies/toddlers when nothing gets done, but not long term. I only work part time, dh has a massively stressful, full-on job and he does no housework, cooks very little-only on weekends but helps out with our 4 dcs when he can. We try to make things as even as possible in terms of work. You are doing much more than is fair.
I usually try to give people the benefit of the doubt. But honestly this is beyond unfair. When he isn't at work and you are doing full time he should be doing the major share of the housework and cooking.
My DH is also an out of work graphic designer - doing some bits and pieces self employed and looking for work. He also works in a pub every evening, looks after DD at least 4 mornings a weeks and while I have a lie in at weekends, does the lions share of the cooking and washing up and is redecorating the house.
Either your DH is badly depressed or he is taking the piss. Either way it needs to change.
But you can change things
He wasn't always like this, if I remember correctly?
It's just that right now he has no incentive to change anything. I mean, why would he? What a great life! Sit around all day playing games while all the women in your life do all the work. Yippee!
You know him best. What incentive would work on him?
I suppose if you have great big girl balls of steel, you could try...
"I'm not happy. You aren't pulling your weight. I feel taken advantage of. You need to change because I am not taking this any more.
Get a job. Or be a full time SAHD and we stop sending X to my mum's and nursery and you look after him and do the house stuff too.
Choose one or the other. But the choice you don't have is to carry on having ME bring all the money into this family AND do the cleaning AND do the cooking AND do the shopping AND have our child cared for by other people AND do the bill paying AND do the laundry AND do the night waking, while you sit on your arse and play on the computer.
You've got 24 hours to choose or I'll make a choice and it won't be one you'll like"
but you'd have to say it like you meant it.
BTW I thought the same as StuntGirl. Never thought in a million years this wouls be you Catgirl for the very same reasons.
You're worth so much more than this.
Well, the first thing i would do is take your ds out of nursery and tell your h that he now has to do childcare 3 days a week.
Then I would write a list of all the household chores that are done by you and all the ones done by him.
Then I would tell him that he has - what? - a month/two months to sort his shit out or you will be separating.
I read the OP and was really shocked when I saw who the poster was. I thought it was going to be someone new to MN without much going for them and no way of thinking about life being better.
He is not good with DS, if he was he'd take care of him more. Take him out of nursery and use the money to have the cleaner more often, for example. You're married to a 15 year old.
What time does he go to bed? And how much does he drink in an evening?
You pay a cleaner?
If it wasn't you catgirl I would be calling troll. Because this is outrageous.
I am sorry he is a twat. I agree with what was said upthread. He is not being a good dad or husband. Not even a good person.
A good person could not stand by doing shit all whole someone he loved ran themselves into the ground.
Is he very depressed? Sorry I keep coming back with stuff but I can't stay away. I'm just so angry for you. Please talk to him.
I read your post and thought "dear God, it's only Monday!"
Rather you than me love.
Seriously you have to sort this out properly, else you'll simply burn yourself out. The resentment will build to be so much that it'll kill any feelings you have- really. Might take a year, might take five, but it will kill it.
He needs to be doing all the housework while you're working and he's not. If I was you I'd go and tell him right now that things are going to change, then do no housework at all until it gets to the point where he has to do it!
Laaaaaaazzzzyyyyyy and "rampantly taking the piss" x1000
or quite seriously depressed?
Either way you need to have a serious chat as not sustainable. What do his parents say about this?
I am a SAHM. If you knew me OP and I told you my kids were in nursery/grandparents 4 days a week, I had a cleaner, my DH worked but did all the cooking and housework, and I played on computer games you'd think I was a lazy cow. Why don't you think this about your DH?
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