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WIBU to have told DH to go f*** himself

(370 Posts)
catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:14:43


I work FT in a really demanding job. We have a 14mo DS. DH doesn't work, lost him job 2.5 years ago . Had a break, then I got pg and we decided it would be nice for him to be at home with the baby whilst I was on Mat Leave. Although I was back at work pt when DS was 1 month old and full time when he was 5 months old. He's looking for work now (but not very hard). I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc.

DH picked me up from work tonight and then we picked DS up from DMs who has him on Monday. Tues and Thurs he's at nursery, Wed I work from home and Fridays DH has sole care of him. I get up with him every morning, except Sundays , when I get a lie in.

At DMs it was clear DS was tired and hungry. There is no food in the house and DH hasn't cooked anything (never does). I'm knackered so say "We'll get fish and chips on the way home." Quick, cheap and DS likes them.

DH pulls a face and says "We had chips last night"

Which to be fair is true(oven chips and we normally eat pretty well, it's just how it's fallen) but I cba shelpping round the supermarket, then cooking etc. DH then goes "But OK then we will"

DH parks near fish and chip shop. I go out in howling gale, get Fish and Chips. We need to stop at local shop for some cat food etc. Again, it's me that gets out, runs rounds shop, pick up I box cat food, 1 bottle diet coke, get back in car.

DH turns to me and says "What happened? Was there a massive queue?" (With massive, arsey edge to voice)

I say "No. No queue. Why?"

DH: "Well you were gone about 15 minutes"

Me: hmm "No, I wasn't. I was about 5 minutes."

DH: (really arsey) "They played two songs on the radio"

Like I was having a lovely browse in co-op hmm

Me: "Oh fuck off DH"

Get home. DH grabs his food, goes and eats in living room. I feed DS, play with him, bath him, change him, give him his bottle, story and put him to bed. DH played computer games. Which is what he has done all day. He has tidied the kitchen and taken the re-cycling out, but left washing up in the sink and the rest of the house is a bombsite. I've had a hard, shit, long day at work and the period from hell.

WIBU to have told him to fuck off? Would I be further unreasonable to tell him to fuck off some more?

Sorry that was long. I needed to rant. I feel better now.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:29:05

Is it really 18 months dreaming?

That's actually a bit of a reality check.......

HecateWhoopass Mon 28-Jan-13 20:29:14

so what does he do?

You bring in all the money. You say yourself that you " do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, bill paying etc." You also say you get up with your child.

That leaves what, exactly?

Looking after your son when you're at work. Or rather, playing video games while your son is pottering about while you are at work. I bet. For ONE day a week. ONE day. The rest of the time, he doesn't even have the child with him!

Now, I have been on many a sahm thread where there has been outrage at the suggestion that a woman who is at home with the child should do any housework etc. sometimes even extended to when that child is at nursery. I believe the argument is that their job is to look after the child and not to do the cleaning. so I assume they would argue the same way in this case too.

But that's not something I agree with on those threads or on this one grin

I think that whoever is at home should be doing more of the home stuff. A working week equal to the working week done by the person earning the money. With all things that can't be done in that time being split equally.

At the moment, OP, it sounds like you are doing everything.

That is not fair.

He is taking the piss and you are letting him.

He needs a reality check.

He's getting a free ride sent from heaven, isn't he?

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Mon 28-Jan-13 20:30:11

So stop enabling it. Stop doing the food shopping, laundry and cleaning. Let him see just how much you do and that you're not prepared to put up with it any more. Do you really want your DS to grow up thinking this is a healthy relationship?

TinyDiamond Mon 28-Jan-13 20:30:53

So not Being U! I seriously don't understand why you are paying out nursery fees though! He should have him those two days save yourselves the cash and put away for ds future.
You need to tell him to sort himself out. I would very much resent this behaviour it is not fair at all!

nefertarii Mon 28-Jan-13 20:31:13

He is great with ds?

So while he was at home all day didn't he think it was important for his son to have a decent healthy meal?
Fish and chips is fine but your dh wasn't happy he was having chips 2 days in a row. But couldn't be arsed to go shopping or cook a healthy meal?

TheCrackFox Mon 28-Jan-13 20:31:14

He is a cocklodger.

Barely looks after his own child (SAHD's are supposed to do the bulk of the childcare), doesn't earn money, does no housework. He is a lazy fucker.

FirstTimeForEverything Mon 28-Jan-13 20:31:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

M0naLisa Mon 28-Jan-13 20:31:51

You need to tell him to sort it out. Stop been lazy during the day and do something.

floweryblue Mon 28-Jan-13 20:31:52

If you just needed a rant, you've had one!

In my opinion you are allowed to tell your DH to f* off once in a while, as he is allowed to say it to you once in a while.

A calm conversation about how he could do more around the house might be helpful though.

DP and I have different priorities at home, so sometimes my attitude pees him off, sometimes it's the other way round. Obv in our house I am always right when complaining about him, trouble is, he is 99% right when he complains about me grin

SquinkiesRule Mon 28-Jan-13 20:31:54

You not so "d" h needs to drag his ares off the computer and do the washing up, the laundry and clean house. I'm a sahm right now and if I left all that to Dh when he got in I'd be one lazy cow.
All he's bringing to this relationship is one day of childcare and the rest is him being a cocklodger. He could have a day of looking Ds each week even if you weren't married and living together, therefore he's no better than a Dad who only has visitation.

Junebugjr Mon 28-Jan-13 20:32:24

Why does he go to nursery and his gm if there is a parent at home?
You sound like a single parents without the plus's OP.

backwardpossom Mon 28-Jan-13 20:32:29

YABU to let him treat you like a skivvy.

YANBU to tell him to fuck off.

PleasePudding Mon 28-Jan-13 20:32:31

Please please tell him to get his act together. You should not be putting up with this crap. He should manage almost all the housework and almost all of the food until he is working and then it can be re-negotiated. It is appalling

YANBU - please, I am so annoyed I want to give him a total villi king and I don't know either of you, it's just so eye-wateringly thoughtless, unfair and just fucking outrageous!

SquinkiesRule Mon 28-Jan-13 20:33:05

he can drag his arse too hmm

FlatsInDagenham Mon 28-Jan-13 20:33:11


You would not be unreasonable to tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there fuck off some more.

Why the hell are you putting up with this ridiculous situation OP?

defineme Mon 28-Jan-13 20:33:20

Being great with a child involves (amongst other things) ensuring he's got a pleasant environment to live in and good food to eat. So he's not that great is he?
My work can be haphazard anbd so when I'm not working i'll do something useful like decorate/clear out garage etc as well as cleaning/tea on table.
I appreciate why you'd want to keep him in nursery because he may get work and obviously nice to go to dm too.
But what the fuck is he doing with himself 4 days a week?
You're being a mug.
people that love you and consider you an equal don't treat you like this.
It's simply not kind. sad

PleasePudding Mon 28-Jan-13 20:33:23

Bollocking not viking blush

Bingdweller Mon 28-Jan-13 20:34:33

Ok, so you don't want to leave him, but how do you see this situation changing? He sounds like a right lazy, unmotivated, freeloading pig. And no, he doesn't look after your son. You get up with him, you work to support him & nursery and family look after him on the days you work. He looks after him on a Friday and gives you a bit of a lie in on a Sunday. Big fucking deal. Re-read your OP, you're being taken for a ride sad. In order to have any sort of enjoyable life, he needs to stop pissing about, show you the respect you deserve & either get a job or support you in order to do yours without all the added tasks that running a household entails.

catgirl1976 Mon 28-Jan-13 20:34:50

I liked the image of you giving him a Viking smile

Some massive dude in a horned hemlet with an axe telling him to sort his shit out.

Might work smile

I have no idea how to change things. The roles feel totaly embedded.

TheRobberBride Mon 28-Jan-13 20:35:20

YANBU. Aren't married couples supposed to be a team? (yes, I know how cutesy that sounds) but aren't they supposed to support and help each other? If one person is doing 80% of all household chores in addition to being out at work all day then something has gone badly wrong somewhere. Do you honestly respect this man anymore? If my DH behaved like this then I'm not sure I'd stay with him TBH.

Gosh, what a loser.

I'd get rid of him and get a cleaner, which is probably cheaper and more satisfying.

PleasePudding Mon 28-Jan-13 20:35:25

Sorry I can't stop thinking about this. How is he not really, really bloody embarrassed?

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Mon 28-Jan-13 20:35:35

Maybe for starters you could show him this thread...

MrsCR Mon 28-Jan-13 20:35:44

Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk

BigGiantCowWithAKnockKnockTail Mon 28-Jan-13 20:37:05

Is he proud of himself? What does he tell everyone he does all day? What's good about your relationship?

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