AIBU to not want to make up with my in-laws?(44 Posts)
THT I am 10 years in so not as far as you. My ILs have hated me from day one, my FIL being the particularly savage one. There are so many incidents ingrained on my brain that I cannot forget and not really forgive either.
But all that frustration with myself and anger towards them eats you up. So I brought the toxic in laws book, made my DH read it too (although he does see the problems, he doesn't like confrontation) and stopped going round.
It really lifted a weight! Due to a family bereavement I'm having to go round again now which is hard and I expect to be back to square one again soon. But you must protect yourself and your DCs from their toxic behaviour. No one should be bullied like this and have to put up with it.
I think you are being reasonable, and I also think she isn't going to change.
No need to do anything nice for her - but yes would be a bit unreasonable not to give them access to their grandchildren (I know you are not suggesting that).
I think biggest problem though is your DH who sees their toxic behaviour as normal. You can't change your MIL/SILs but maybe you could suggest counselling for you and your DH to try and find a position that you can take together that you are both happy with.
re: the making amended for 20 years of horribleness - I think that the way to this would be a genuine apology and for your really to believe she meant it, and I don't think that she is capable of this - so I don't think amends is possible. This is something to discuss in the counselling....
HomeTweet you said their pompous and have deluded high opinions of themselves that's the perfect recipe to ruffle a few feathers, if I knew them personally I'd be able to give you loads of inspiration but I'm struggling to think of anything specific. You know them inside out, you know what makes them tick, you have the power to drive them to distraction and get to sit back and watch it all unfold without them ever knowing that they've been set up for your amusement. What do your dc's think about your weird il's?
That's exactly how l feel and would feel more so if l had to go the extra mile with someone who treated me so badly.
' If she thought anything of her son she would have been nice to the OP from the get go '
That is such a short,simple statement
unlike my 'novel'' upthread but it says it all really -very true good point.
You being polite and welcoming during visits to each others homes is better than nothing.
You do not have to spend any further time, doing whatever it is they do.
You husband needs to realize you are not a robot he can program. They should be grateful for any contact, it is that or nothing.
Really, what is it to them anyways? You don't enjoy their company, and have your own life with people who respect you. Hanging out with them when they treat you disrespectfully, with catty comments would be demeaning.
Sounds like your DH needs to offer you more support. They are his family so they are his problem, not yours. He should be deflecting the sh1t and paving the way to helping maintain a good relationship between you, not driving a wedge with you on one side and him and his family on the other. If he expects you to make an effort with his family then he must also make an effort with yours. Makes me mad" You both need to be seen a 'united front' as much as possible or none of his family will take you or your relationship seriously.
Tbh I wouldnt put up with it for 20 years, you have the patience of a saint! While I appreciate there are two sides to every story I have come across a few strained MiL/DiL relationships similiar to this. Its a weird power struggle situation and I hate to say it but its always the mother and daughter-in-law relationships where the strangest behaviour truly comes out. Goodness, I hope if I ever have a DS Im not like this to his DP!
If she thought anything of her son she would have been nice to the OP from the get go.
I would ask your husband what he wants you to do. Why should you have to put up with behaviour that makes you uncomfortable/angry/upset? I think your proposal of civility is more than reasonable. And I would point out to him that what you are prepared to do is more than he's prepared to do for your family.
And trying to bully you into doing what he wants is pretty nasty.
As for SILs, I suspect that they are jealous of you.
How have you resisted sabotage and shit stirring with an innocent face general naughtiness for 20 years? Sooooo many simple covert ways to torment idiots like your il's. childish I know but I'd find it irresistible under the circumstances would really help if your dh was on board though.
fruitloops very good post and very good point about asking someone to change their feelings - it is an impossible demand.
What a twat your husband is for not sticking up for you in 20 years, and now is causing a fuss because you refuse to be treated like shit.
Can you move? Leave the bastard?
'not his son' obviously should replaced 'not his SS'
God l could have written this thread but about my adult SS.
My DH is behaving exactly like yours too.
SS has moved out after being after six years of living with DH and I after a huge bust up in which he called me several names and made several allegations about me for which he has never apologised for or retracted l might add.
He was a rude disrespectful selfish inconsiderate entitled shit and bain of my life while he lived here and seemed to be on a mission to split us up and almost succeeded on several occasions. I also didnt feel able to clamp down on his behaviour in early days as blood is thicker than water etc etc so a pattern was set unfortunately, coming to a head in above incident.
I - much to my regret now - but l did it for DHs sake not his - started speaking to him at a family do as we hadnt spoken since above incident and l knew it was uncomfortable for DH at this family occasion.
I say much to my regret because he has never once retracted his allegations or apologised for or acknowledged his behaviour. In fact , because l was the one who first started speaking to him (only a 'Hello,how are you?' type of way) he has now gone into super cocky mode if anything. You would think l had apologised to him iyswim.
Every time l have to sit in a room with him now l just want to punch his smug face tbh, because l always said l wanted nothing more to do with him until he apologised and retracted. He now knows he has got away with it and those things he accused me of, names he called me have stood.
Worst part is my DH now can only see that we are speaking so everything must be ok. So when he asks me why l go quiet when he mentions his son or change the subject or always decline to tag along to visit him etc. and l say it's because l am only being civil for his sake but have no time for him otherwise because he obviously has no time or respect for me or he would have apologised or retracted, DH says' ffs that was years ago and youre like a dog with a bone etc'.
l so wish l had stuck to my original policy of not speaking to him until he had apologised. Because now l am stuck in this situation of having to be pleasant to him without the awful way he treated me ever even being acknowledged. But worse l am now forever in DHs bad books because of my refusal to give any more than small talk/civility to him. To DH now - l am the problem, not his SS as he is PA and devious enough to always be gushing and nice to me in front of his dad but very different when he is out of earshot and in the way he talks about me to others in the family.
OP l feel your pain. No advice really or obviously l could resolve my situation if l did !
Only you can decide if you want to give them another chance. They will be in your life forever though one way or another.
I keep my inlaws at arms length for various reasons; mainly due to their toxic behaviour and how they treat my dc. Few visits every year, for a set period of time. Dont holiday with them, stay overs dont happen any more. I go through the motions being as polite as I can but still have to leave the room to silently scream in frustration.
is that an option?
I think you need to point out to your DH that he had it in his hands to do something about his family's treatment of you over the 20 years they have been like this. I'd be asking why he thinks you need to back down when they never did, and he did nothing to stand up for you.
Frootloopz is right here when she says your DH can't comprehend your feelings - it is like someone who lives in a cave trying to get the concept of sunshine...
He does need to realise what his family are like, but it is a slow and painful thing.
He needs to see you are not doing htis to be awkward - you just don't want to be treated that badly.
If your child came home from school and described these sort of things as having happened to them - you would advise them not to be friends with such a person, avoid them, and not stand for being told you are crap. Perhaps your DH might comprehend this?
Also, just because it is your family does not mean they have the right to be nasty - nor do you have to put up with it.
Sadly, your DH is just as much of the problem as your inlaws.
He has been conditioned his whole life to see them as normal and keep the peace.
My dad was exactly the same with his vile mother.
Only now, aged 87 has my father admitted his mother was a poisonous bitch. She's been dead 20 years.
You need to talk to DH about how his family are NOT NORMAL - in a quiet way, not an arguing way.
The books, "toxic parents" and "toxic inlaws" will help here.
Your DH has also been conditioned to avoid any form of confrontation with his dominant mother. This conditioning is incredibly strong - always, always the child of the vile parents will argue for them and make excuses why they have done horrible things. You should have heard my father justifying being locked in a coal hole for 12 hours when he was 6...!!!!!
Therefore don't get paranoid - it is not you, it is them.
They have a very unhealthy family dynamic. Families like this want conformance and a power structure mapped out. As the daughter in law your role is to be submissive to the dominant female. The males must also be subservient. Note how your place in the power structure is the lowest - and your DH is expected to assist with keeping you there. He won't even question that as a basis for a family relationship - it is what he knows.
You need to keep telling your DH his family are actually really quite nasty people - he needs to read toxic parents and understand what it is saying.
Also note, that in a dynamic like this grand children, when small, will be used to manipulatate their parents - later, as they devlop personalities and opinions they will get crushed down into the family hierarchy as well. My grand mother used to favour me, to piss off my mother. Then, if I did anything worng, it was proof my mother was a bad mother. Complete crap - and not a good way to grow up, I stopped seeing my grandparents when I was about 14, it was worse than being bullied in the playground - which is effectively what it was, except it happened in my own house - nice.
Stick to your guns.
It is THEM, you are a nice person, they are not nice.
Your dh is being a dick and totally unsupportive. He let them treat you like that for 20 years! He really is the prblm, you cannot switch your feelings on an off like a light switch. Your dealing with it really well and in a mature manner
What exactly is he expecting you to do? You haven't said you won't see them or receive them, so I don't understand what his problem is. You've given imho a very generous compromise. I'm not sure I'd be wanting to see them at all.
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