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AIBU?

To have second child to please DH and so Dd won't be alone

39 replies

Babybirdz · 27/01/2013 22:38

The title days it all really. I do not want a second child. My Dd was a very easy going/ happy/ easy child but I have no urge or desire for a second. I had severe post natal depression (my upbringing had a lot to do with this)
DH had the snip last year as we both agreed at the time no more. Deep down I always knew the descision was rushed so that he wouldn't have time to think through the consequences.

Dd is at school now and I feel as though I have my life back, lots of free time to enjoy things. My upbringing was really strict, I was essentially imprisoned ( minus school) and a slave for my mother to cook and clean So have only experienced freedom now. I can choose to do activities and persue interests now. I'm a sahm

DH main argument is that he doesn't want Dd to be alone in the world after we are gone. I know life has no guarantees but he is from a large family who are close. I on the other hand am not particularly close to my family. If we were to go ahead, it would mean Ivf or a vasectomy reversal. The thought of spending that amount of money for something I don't even want saddens me.

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WorraLiberty · 27/01/2013 22:40

You would be unreasonable - yes.

I do feel for your DH though if he rushed into his vasectomy...what was his reason for doing that?

But no-one should plan to have a baby unless they're totally sure they want one.

And there's no guarantee your DD will even get along with a sibling.

McNewPants2013 · 27/01/2013 22:42

Yabu, have a child because it something you really want.

diddl · 27/01/2013 22:43

Don´t do it!

Your husband has had a vasectomy!

Why on earth did he do that if there was a possibility of him wanting another??

Babybirdz · 27/01/2013 22:44

DH is not pressurising me as such. He dies say I will regret it in the future. Looking back I wish had a 2 children close together but was not in the fit mental state to do so. I am starting to feel guilty about Dd growing up alone without a sibling as all her cousins / friends have siblings.

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Babybirdz · 27/01/2013 22:48

DH has told me he had it done as I would no longer have to rely on the pill. The main argument being the risk of blood cots etc. other methods of contraception didn't work for us like the coil. He said he did it because he loves me and he knows that's what I wanted.I always knew he wanted a sibling for Dd. He did also say this proved my happiness was really important to him.

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breatheslowly · 27/01/2013 22:49

DD is currently an only and may well stay an only. I felt sad at one point that her children may not have cousins, but then I realised that if she gets to that point,her DH may well come from a larger family. Have met plenty of very happy onlies, I have also met people who don't get on with their siblings. Nothing in guaranteed.

Cherriesarelovely · 27/01/2013 22:54

I can completely understand your DH's point of view, I suppose it is true to say that alot of people feel like this but I think your reasons are completely valid too.

From what you have said I think it would be incredibly hard for you to have a 2nd baby and I don't believe you should "force" yourself to do so.

My Dd was is an only. I used to worry terribly about that but was unable to have a 2nd. I don't worry at all now. She is a really happy girl, surrounded by lovely family and friends. She has 2 happy parents, a cosy home and we have plenty of time to spend with her. She has a great life. Don't worry about your DS.

Cherriesarelovely · 27/01/2013 22:55

That was meant to say DD is an only.

EarlyMorningBaconDemon · 27/01/2013 22:59

This has been quite a large talking point on Mumsnet over the last few days, and it's one of the few things that I think everyone agrees on.

If one person doesn't want another child, then end of story. You can't make someone have another baby.

I think it would be even worse all-round if you were to have another child simply because your DH wanted another. You're the one who would have to carry it for 9 months, give birth, breastfeed, get up in the night... it would lead to some serious resentment one way or another. And if it were to ignite a fresh bout of post-natal depression then I think it would be a very poor idea unless you were 100% sure of everything you wanted.

You can always fill your extra time with doing things as a family, spending the money that would have gone on a newborn on things like music lessons, saving up for a holiday, hobbies, activities and other things.

Really hope I helped.

Babybirdz · 27/01/2013 23:01

Cherries- that's so kind of you. Glad someone feels my reasons are valid and not purely selfish. I do ensure Dd has plenty of playmates at the weekend and the holidays. She's a very sociable child,

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gimmecakeandcandy · 27/01/2013 23:05

I can't help but feel very sorry for your dh who rushed into a vasectomy for you and that he won't have another child when he wants one.

Babybirdz · 27/01/2013 23:05

Early morning- I have been worried about possibly resenting the child if i was to loose my freedom. My life's the most relaxed it's ever been after a shit childhood/ teenage years. I just don't want to change the dynamics.

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caroljackson · 27/01/2013 23:05

DS is an only. I am a sahm and DS is at secondary now, so like you I have a lot of free time to pursue my own studies and interests. I also had mh issues and the best treatment for me has been to have time to myself so life is not too stressful, and being able to do things I enjoy. I decided long ago that having a second wouldn't be the right thing for our family, because of that and various other reasons.

DS is well-adjusted and happy. When he visits his cousins he often comments on sibling fights and says he's glad he's never had to deal with any of that. I don't worry that he will feel lonely in the future as he's a sociable boy and will always have a lot of close friends to support him, as well as contact with my sisters and his cousins.

Vasectomy reversals aren't always successful anyway, and IVF has quite a low success rate, so even if you chose to try for another, you have to face the fact that it might not be possible and your Dd may remain an only child.

Monty27 · 27/01/2013 23:05

Sounds like she'll have lots of cousins too on dp's side.

You'll resent that child, don't do it.

WorraLiberty · 27/01/2013 23:08

I do feel sorry for your DH and I'm sure you do too

But perhaps he's just having a 'broody wobble' and it'll pass eventually?

Babybirdz · 27/01/2013 23:14

Worra- nope he's not broody just being practical!! I'm a bitch for talking him into it. He didn't speak up against the vasectomy when he had the procedure but I know he did it just to please me. I love himso much and he's a good, kind hearted guy who has shown me what real love and happiness is. He's not even pressurising me but will make comments here and there about a second child.
Part of me wants a second child just for him as I know it would make him so happy,

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Babybirdz · 27/01/2013 23:16

I hate the thought of starting again from scratch, raising a child, constantly worrying about them, the toddler years!

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Cherriesarelovely · 27/01/2013 23:23

I also had bad PND with Dd and that was one of the reasons it took me so long to even wanting to try for another. Anyway, it didn't work out and for ages I felt unhappy about it. Oddly though, I never planned to have more than 1 in the first place.

Now we are through that though we both feel (and Dd does too 90% of the time!) that our life is great as a 3. We have a gorgeous dog and we are happy in our jobs (me part time, DP full time) and like your Dd ours is very mellow and easy to be around. I worry that if I had been able to conceive again the PND would have come back and I wouldn't have been able to be the mum I am now if you see what are mean. Our lives are really good. It's how it is and we are fine with it. I really feel for you both though, it is a very difficult situation.

brummiegirl1 · 27/01/2013 23:24

I'm an only child and hated it but my husband is from 1 of 5 and he is not close to any of his siblings and doesn't really have a relationship with them, i have seen the problems he has had with his siblings and think myself lucky!

I think from the point of view of being an only child i always had a fantaasy of what having siblings was like and never saw the negatives, but it is true that if you went on to have another child there would be no guarentee that they would be close or even get on at all so i wouldn't have another child if it was for just that reason.

It is hard if one of you wants one thing and the other does not and i completely understand not wanting to risk PND again, i think i had that after the birth of both my boys and i felt absolutely awful and although i would like another baby in the future it is definately something that stays at the back of your mind.

Hope you can work something out.

Cherriesarelovely · 27/01/2013 23:26

There's nothing at all "selfish" about not wanting another child.

EarlyMorningBaconDemon · 27/01/2013 23:27

BabyBirdz - I had bad PND as well, turned into Post-Natal Psychosis, and DH, although he wants more children, has turned around and happily said he's wait for me to be ready mentally. I'm fine now - off the tablets, but I've still got some pretty deep scars.

For what it's worth, my mother had me at 17 and has resented me every single day of my life for "ruining her life". We barely talk. Resentment and hatred are powerful things that aren't easily expunged. I think you're being very sensible, and who's to say that in the future you wouldn't be agreeable to another baby, or even fostering/adoption?

Without being too callous, could I suggest a pet? If he has love to give, then maybe a very affectionate dog could serve as a substitute?

Babybirdz · 27/01/2013 23:29

FWIW I'm the one who brings up this issue more than DH. I try to convince myself I want to go for it then he DH gets all excited. That's when reality hits me and I get scared.

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Cherriesarelovely · 27/01/2013 23:30

EarlyMorning that is a VERY good idea. DP treats our dog like another child and even refers to her as Dds fluffy sister! It is quite similar in many ways to having a child. I'm really not being flippant, there are many similarities!

LibraryMum8 · 27/01/2013 23:33

It would not be a good idea, IMO. You might grow to love a new baby but maybe not. I would never put a baby in that position. Siblings aren't guaranteed either, they might get along we'll or horribly.

I have an only not by choice, but if I didn't want another I'd be doing some serious talking to dh. I don't think it was the fairest thing to rush dh's decision...but understand the situation.

IMO don't do it.

EarlyMorningBaconDemon · 27/01/2013 23:34

OK you need to stop convincing yourself. That's just going to build his hopes and then trash them. There's only so much he can take!

Reality is a very terrifying thing, and I'd honestly say that there is absolutely no rush.

Write down everything that you feel, doesn't matter how long it is, and then seal it and put it somewhere. Time capsule, back of a drawer, whatever. Figure out a way to notify yourself after a year, and go back to it. If you still have the same reservations, then it isn't for you. If on the other hand you've moved on from where you are now and the situation has changed to where you'd feel more positive about a baby, then go for it.

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