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To be upset that DH has quit his job and is still spending?

(64 Posts)
lilyandoscarsmummy Sun 27-Jan-13 17:52:29

My DH has been unhappy in his work for a while and made the decision to leave his job just before Christmas with nothing else to go to. We have two DC aged 5 and 2, I stay at home with the children at the moment although have been applying for jobs since the New Year. I have been supportive of his decision as I know how unhappy he was, and I don't want to see him depressed, he is a good man and father, he just seems lost as to his purpose in life. Anyway, this has all come about as even though he has taken the odd temp work since Xmas our income is significantly less obviously and we will struggle to meet our mortgage and bills tomorrow, we are aware of this and he has work for this week through an agency. We will have to go massively overdrawn to cover payments and I am worried, I am just do upset as this afternoon he announced he needed break down cover ASAP for his car and that would be 24 pound. I explained we were already going to go overdrawn tomorrow and couldn't he wait until he had a stable job before taking it out? He has never had it before, his work this week is 10 miles away and I do understand if he breaks down he needs it but just doesn't seem essential at this moment considering we are going to struggle to find food money. He says I'm unreasonable and don't care about him or his safety, which is untrue. I honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable or not. I don't think I am though. I am feeling quote depressed recently and am unsure if this is clouding my perception of things? Please be kind, I am feeling vulnerable, we are not lazy nor have we ever relied on benefits, he has always supported us and I worked part time inbetween my first and second child, my partner worked 60 hour weeks away from home a lot so it made sense for me to SAH. Would appreciate any advice , thanks

TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub Mon 28-Jan-13 07:54:02


Whocansay Mon 28-Jan-13 08:53:21

I'd take him up on his kind offer if I were you. Get a job, get some financial independance and with a bit of luck you can get rid of this selfish bastard.

What sort of father jacks in his job and risks his family's security because it makes him a bit 'unhappy'? Diddums! He needs to grow up. I guarantee bankruptcy and losing your house will be significantly more stressful.

diddl Mon 28-Jan-13 09:03:53

How selfish of him.

Work is 10 miles away this week?

Hasn´t he got a bike-or a pair of bloody legs??

OhMerGerd Mon 28-Jan-13 09:14:07

You're doing really well. Keep strong and for this next bit if your life together you're going to have to be the 'man with the plan'.
Normality will resume. You may have to go through a bit worse yet but you will get through this.
He sounds very depressed and slightly panicked to be honest. The breakdown cover sounds a bit like headless chicken trying to feel hes taken some sort of sction to prevent an impending disaster. The kind of defensive and nasty comments hes made are possibly hiding huge guilt, shame and fear. Have you heard of the expression 'jump before you're pushed'? It's possible the sudden exit wasn't as much free will as he is making out. And to come back from that with enough confidence and self esteem to resume a career rather than just exist in a job will take a lot of love and, support. He knows he's let you down, his pride is hurt and hes coping in his own way ( though you can see this is not well ) and probably only just at that. The positive is that he's not given up. He's out doing the temp jobs to keep you afloat - you may be starting to take on water but you're not sunk yet and most importantly he's not given up yet. He's got interviews lined up too and with your support, belief and encouragement he may get one of these jobs.

He feels helpless, you're feeling helpless. but you can take control and plan ahead. R

Ok so things haven't worked out as planned. You may not be able to spend the time as a SAHM and do your course now. Shit happens, we move on. You need to speak to him about the unacceptable behaviour and say you won't tolerate it and then tell him you've had some thoughts about how to get through it and then say this is what I am going to do to help. You're not telling him to do anything just telling him what you are going to do to help. He cannot stop you taking action to support you both.

Can you find work? Perhaps two of you working part time sharing the child care would bring in a better income until one of you gets a full time job? You and he would have time for the DC and if he felt the pressure was off him his depression might be helped - he's been hands on dad till now, it will do he and dc good to get this relationship back on track. . You, Speak to the bank, mortgage, family who can help and get your finances arranged before they get any worse. Another burden off you both. And as you are the one with the most perspective right now keep a clear and adult head fir you both, be gracious and forgiving and encouraging ( sounds like is your natural self anyway ). Set some deadlines( in your head) so you can review and see progress or not. Revise your plan accordingly. If in three months/ six months/ nine/ twelve etc things are not going well you can change tactic. Bring in more support etc.

Hopefully in three or six months things will have improved and you will have grown through a crisis together. If it takes longer so be it but you will get through it.

For better or worse, richer poorer etc ... Dunno if you're actually married but those sentiments around committing to a lifetime together are so overlooked these days. When it gets tough that's the time when all the love and shared experience, caring and compassion for one another gets called into action. This is the time when real love comes into play. And no it's not always equal today but it should balance out over time. And time is long - you've got another 50 / 60 years together for him to return that live to you when you need it.

Good luck . You can do it.

ditavonteesed Mon 28-Jan-13 09:27:34

Can I put a different view forward, my dh had to quit a job he hated a few years ago, they were horrible to him, the money was terrible and he put up with it for years because he was trapped being the only wage earner. They put his head on the block and he rang me up every lunch time intears, it was horrible, probably the worst time in our marriage. He quit because in the end if he hadnt he would have got fired, The day I said quit to him was amazing and my lovely husband started to come back to me, no job in the world is worth your mental health. He did temp for a while and now has a lovely job thats pays more and is closer. I also went on an insane job hunt and got one, we agreed that the first person to get a job would be the one who worked. My job was part time and I got made redundant after a year but in that time dh had established himself in another job. You say your dh is doing temp work so he is trying. You need to look at your budgets, if you are going to go overdrawn phone the bank in advance, they may not be able to do anything but it will definatly help that you have told them there is a problem and not buried your heads in the sand. Your dh sounds in a very bad place right now and you dont sound far behind him, look after each other, you will get through this.

justmyview Mon 28-Jan-13 09:33:28

I suspect OP was supportive of DH's decision until reality hit home. I think that arguing over breakdown cover was like re-arranging deckchairs on the Titanic. £24 for breakdown cover is chicken feed compared with a mortgage.

I really sympathise with people who are so miserable at work. It's grim, but as others have pointed out, this isn't really the time to be leaving a job voluntarily.

That said, OP acknowledges that it was making him ill, which is different from just not feeling satisfied & fulfilled at work. In that case, maybe the right thing for them as a family is for her to be looking to return to work.

expatinscotland Mon 28-Jan-13 09:34:49

'I guess he is both, I too have suffered with depression, post natal and major and I know how debilitating it can be but would never intentionally jeopardise my children. After speaking with him tonight he says he doesn't think he is risking our children as our mortgage payments are low at the moment and minimal outgoings we should be ok if he does temp work till he finds a job really likes. I have pointed out that obviously as we are having to go overdrawn that this is not the case at all. He then said, well it's your turn to get a job then and I'll stay at home. Just can't believe he is being so selfish : ( '

Your turn? What is he, 6-years-old? Here is what will happen if you work full-time outside the home: he will do FA. FA.

You need to make alternate plans because this person doesn't put his kids first.

justmyview Mon 28-Jan-13 09:35:01

Well said ditavonteesed - I'm glad things worked out better for you in the end

expatinscotland Mon 28-Jan-13 09:36:38

He will use this depression as an excuse to do FA at home. Is he doing much now? No, not from the sounds of it.

expatinscotland Mon 28-Jan-13 09:41:59

'He had been out at low paid temp jobs most days but when at home he hasn't really helped much at all, like I say he isn't himself, he is usually a hands on dad. I just hope we find something soon.'

It's not 'helping'. It's doing your fair share. And his depression is his responsibility to get under control. You've been as supportive as you can.

lilyandoscarsmummy Mon 28-Jan-13 13:37:53

Thankyou Ditavonseed and OhMerGerd, your words have helped. He has apologised for his behaviour today and we are both focused on turning this situation around , just reached a very low point yesterday and the breakdown cover just topped it off really, like the straw that broke the camel's back. He has admitted he is feeling mentally unstable and I am here to support him as he has with me over the years in different situations. I can see hope today that he will return to his happier self and either way with me returning to work or him finding something else, at least we will get through it together, I'm not giving up on my marriage that easily. I have however said to him if he does put us in this situation again without considering us or listening to me then that will be it. So on with the job hunt..., thanks for everyone's point of view, it really has helped to help me see outside of the situation and nice to know there is support out there.

Fairyegg Mon 28-Jan-13 14:58:24

I feel very sorry for you all op. Has your dh seen his gp regarding feeling so mentally unstable? Regarding the breakdown cover my first thought is that your dh has reason to think the car will breakdown, is that a possibity which he is keeping from you? You can sign up to quid co, get the breakdown cover though them and most of the cost will be paid back though cashback, although it does take a few months to come though. I hope he manages to get a job soon in the mean time have you thought about selling on ebay, offering ironing / cleaning / babysitting service? Anything to keep your heads above water. If you have a mortage have a chat with them about taking a mortage hoilday or changing to interest only. the 'martins money saving expert' site has excellent forums full of good advice. don't be afraid to ask for help from family though, both emotional and finical.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 17:13:53

Good luck, love x

Phineyj Mon 28-Jan-13 17:28:35

OP if you want to teach look into Schools Direct - the replacement for the GTP programme. Then you can get paid while you train. I did GTP and earned around £18k while I did it, whereas I worked out a PGCE would have cost me about £30k including lost earnings (although since then the bursaries for some subjects have been reinstated so the difference isn't quite as extreme). The other benefit of training on the job is you realise much more quickly if it's for you or not. Mind you I had a very supportive DH who fed me every night, a cleaner and no DC at that stage -- do take into consideration that teaching is very very time consuming.

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