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Or is DH?

(54 Posts)
Seriouslysoreboobs Sat 26-Jan-13 23:29:02

My husband works 65 hours a week plus works on computer/bb when he is home. He does a sports thing at the weekend (not in a team). When he is not at work he is renovating a house we rent out. So he is a very busy man and I completely understand this.

We have 4 dc aged 4, 3, 2 and 4 months.

AIBU to ask my husband to cancel or delay his sport thing tomorrow so he can take our DS4 to his football practice (indoor) to save me taking the 3 other children out in this weather on a 15 mile round trip and it'll be a hassle in and out the car, tantrums they don't get to stay at football (not allowed to stay and nowhere safe to watch) and generally just a headache all round.

Oh I don't have any hobbies, social life etc because my husband is a workaholic,no family nearby and babysitters are non existent in this neck of the woods!

He says he's going on his sport thing regardless. I think it is very selfish of him to choose himself over the kids. He thinks I'm overreacting.... [bhmm]

meditrina Sun 27-Jan-13 09:44:44

You say he does the football routinely.

He should not be making arrangements to depart from the routine and which directly impact on you without running it past you first.

I quite like euphemia's suggestion of your making a change to routine which puts him in the position of being the one who just has to cope. Then perhaps you can both sit down and communicate about the need to negotiate and what is a fair notice period for changes to routine.

foreverondiet Sun 27-Jan-13 09:46:11

Yes def go out next weekend both days just with baby!

BlackStiltonBoots Sun 27-Jan-13 09:49:22

So your H just swanned off this morning? angry

When he gets back could you leave the older children with him and go out with baby for a bit?

The whole situation sounds untenable.

What practical help does he give you? When do you get a break?

MadamFolly Sun 27-Jan-13 12:08:33

What time does he spend with the children? Do they even recognise him? Is he unhappy in his role as husband and father?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee Sun 27-Jan-13 12:20:15

Tell him he can do his 'sport thing' anytime he likes on a Sunday - with the kids.

What a knobber - you need Serious Words.

Sleeping456 Sun 27-Jan-13 12:22:24

I agree with other posters that this situation is untenable.

Just wanted to add - surely it isn't necessary for a four year old to go to football practice? That sounds like an unnecessary commitment at the weekend which needlessly adds another stress.

I realise that may be the only time the boy sees his Dad mind you.

Really hope you can change your lives soon op. Sounds truly awful.sad

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 20:10:25

Thanks for everyone's advice and comments. It's been a very busy day as usual!

He honestly thinks he's dad and husband of the year.

He's always worked a lot which I get because he does have a job which he loves and I truly believe more people should have that. I love being at home with the kids, school runs, nursery runs, hospital appt etc are just part and parcel of being a SAHM.

It does piss me off frustrate me when he insists that he needs to work when I need him for an hour at night or Saturday afternoon but if a rugby match or football match is on he can miraculously make it home hmm

Still waiting for him to come home so I can hopefully get through to him what a selfish husband and father he is truly being!
Hits head against brick wall

SweetSeraphim Sun 27-Jan-13 20:14:34

Home from where??

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 20:14:52

So he works 65 hours a week +, and does renovations after work and has been out 12 hours already today?

Do you even know what he looks like?

What exactly is the point of you being married to him? From his point of you, you are a free nanny, but from yours....what do you get from this relationship? Do you go out together? Watch films, eat, chat together?

What does he give you?

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 20:15:21

point of view, dont know what happened there!

SweetSeraphim Sun 27-Jan-13 20:15:31

I know you appreciate what he does, OP, it stands out a mile that you respect him and all that. But he is treating you like crap whether he realises he is or not.

You need and deserve time off from the children just like he does. Make that very clear.

dreamingbohemian Sun 27-Jan-13 20:16:08

But that's just it. I think there's a difference between being a workaholic, where you always want to work no matter what, and working all the time so that you can check out of family responsibilities. Your DH sounds like the latter.

I don't know how you make someone want to spend time with you though.

I think it's a good start to point out that he can't just ditch work for fun stuff and not when you need him.

NumericalMum Sun 27-Jan-13 20:23:29

I only have one DC and work full time too but got to a similar point with my DH. We nearly got divorced. HE now appreciates that when we decided to have children we both wanted to be parents. Not just me. And that means weekends he needs to contribute to family life. If he wants to do sports he can do them on work time or early enough that he can still spend time with our DC. They are both happier this way.

My Dad was like your DH. He regrets it terribly now and wishes he had spent more time with us as children.

quoteunquote Sun 27-Jan-13 20:27:20

Are you getting rent at the moment for the house he is doing up?

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 20:30:39

I don't know how you make someone want to spend time with you though

Gosh that hurts but I'm sure there's a damn good reason dreamings comment has touched a nerve sad

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 20:33:39

quote no rent for house atm but money not a major issue apparently (whole different thread)

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 20:39:30

seriously I rather suspect that it isnt a whole different thread, but just another reason why he is being a selfish man who is opting out of family life.

What money to do have? Do have equal access to it? Equal "pocket money" or "spends" or whatever you call it?

verytellytubby Sun 27-Jan-13 20:40:05

Where's he been for 12 hours today?!

Bogeyface Sun 27-Jan-13 20:40:08

Sorry for the typos, am on my galaxy tab which is rubbish for typing on!

maddening Sun 27-Jan-13 20:44:42

Something has got to give and if you're not careful it'll be your marriage.

He needs to outsource the work on the rental property or put his sport as a lower priority - can he do it after work one night? Or every other week?

Euphemia Sun 27-Jan-13 20:47:10

He's still out?! Bloody hell that's completely unacceptable. When have you ever had twelve child-free hours to do what you like, since you had kids?

I'd be raging.

SweetSeraphim Sun 27-Jan-13 20:54:23

And me. I cannot imagine living like this. I mean, I just wouldn't.

dreamingbohemian Sun 27-Jan-13 20:59:36

I'm so sorry OP, I didn't mean to be harsh sad

But I think, at heart, this is the problem -- it's not about football practice, it's the fact that he is not prioritising his family when it comes to managing his time. It sounds like it goes: work, renovations, hobbies, family. When really it should probably go work, family, renovation, hobbies.

He needs a major wakeup call or he is going to end up divorced with kids who barely know who he is.

Euphemia Sun 27-Jan-13 21:00:24

I would honestly be making plans to leave/get him to leave.

Does he spend so much as an hour a week with the children? With you?

Fair enough he's busy - my DH is an academic with a ridiculous work ethic, but he spends every Saturday and Sunday morning with DD, and is always home in time to make dinner. He works for several hours an evening, but he's always available to me and DD for a chat, a walk, to watch a bit of TV, whatever.

He tells us we are his life, that we are precious. Are you getting anything like this? sad

Seriouslysoreboobs Sun 27-Jan-13 21:09:30

No equal access to money. Really don't have the energy for that discussion. If worst came to worst and we did go our separate ways I'm sure it'll all be ironed out or I would have to get my career back on track.

He went to work this afternoon then straight to fitting bathroom at house.

I will write down exactly what I think needs changed with regards to family time and couple time. What hours need to be set aside etc. If I approach it with a business style angle he might take more notice!

I don't think I've had a child free 12 hours in over 4 years! I'm sure he see's his time spent away from the family at work and at the rented house as securing our future but I'm all for being poor with a happy family!

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