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to feel really violated by this?

(57 Posts)
DrawMeADream Sat 26-Jan-13 20:50:44

I managed - very, VERY unintentionally - to attract the attention of a group of four men on the bus today. And I use the term 'men' very loosely. They spent about ten minutes loudly discussing me - 'that fit blond bird' - so that the whole bus could hear, and then proceeded to attempt to find out my name and get my phone number, repeatedly. When that didn't work, one of them sat in the seat behind me and said I have gorgeous hair, then played with it. When that got a stronger reaction from me (I pulled away and said 'you've GOT to be kidding'), he put his hand between the back of the seat and the bottom, and touched my bum. When I then moved seats, they started laughing and joking that now they'd lost their crack at me. They then continued to discuss me until they reached their stop.

I'm really, really not a confrontational person at all - I'm the type of person who cries and stutters when I get angry, and I didn't want to feel any more humiliated than I already was, so I didn't really call them on their behaviour, although I did make it clear that their attention wasn't wanted - and they ended up saying 'she's so cute, pity she's rude.' Part of me feels embarassed for being bothered by it - surely someone else on the bus would have said something if it really sounded that bad? - and part of me is ashamed for not standing up for myself. I was once raped by a new boyfriend, and while I feel more or less like I've put it behind me, moments like this really dredge up a lot of feelings and make it very difficult for me to keep a clear head in the moment and judge what I should do.

I don't know how to deal with situations like this, and I don't want to dread every bus journey because of this - AIBU to feel really violated, ashamed and powerless, or am I overreacting?

You were not over reacting and Id have said and probably done a lot worse if it was me

SpectresandSpooks Sat 26-Jan-13 20:53:45

No, you were harassed and you did nothing to encourage the 'men'. They sound appalling. Could you ask the bus company if they have CCTV? You could report it to the police.

catgirl1976 Sat 26-Jan-13 20:54:33

YANBU at all sad

They touched your bottom
That's sexual assault in my book

Hope you are ok thanks

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sat 26-Jan-13 20:55:01

YANBU unreasonable at all. Knobbers. angry They did it because they knew it would make you uncomfortable.

By the way I was raped too. You really didn't over react. They are the dicks that should be ashamed

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 26-Jan-13 20:56:37

Most buses have CCTV these days, can you put in a complaint to the bus comany?

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles Sat 26-Jan-13 20:58:23

Catgirl, that's sexual assault in the law's book too.

Draw, I'm sorry this happened to you. How are you now?

BubblegumPie Sat 26-Jan-13 20:59:21


SolidSnake Sat 26-Jan-13 21:00:27

YANBU sad Never think you are overreacting to sexual assault. Hugs if you want them thanks

kittyandthegoldenfontanelles Sat 26-Jan-13 21:00:28

Oh SP, I'm so sorry sad

CailinDana Sat 26-Jan-13 21:01:53

No way are you overreacting. What utter cunts. So sorry you had to endure that.

Just one thing - you say "I managed- very VERY unintentionally - to attract the attention..." What that says to me is on some level you feel like you brought it on yourself somehow, that you attracted the harassment. You absolutely did not. You were sitting on a bus, just like anybody else and for no good reason these men violated your personal space and deliberately humiliated you. That is in no way your fault and you didn't, intentionally or otherwise, attract attention.

It doesn't surprise me at all that no one on the bus did anything. That's pretty typical IME.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 26-Jan-13 21:01:58

I haven't had any bad experiences like you have in the past OP, but i would have been angry and scared if this happened to me. You would have been well within your rights to call the police to be honest

No need for sorrys but thank you.

Men like this really annoy me and I tell them now what cunts they are been. If i was on that bus I'd have said something. Four men harassing a lone woman on a bus can be terrifying for some people.

When they said rude they meant " not putting up with my twattish behaviour and not seeing that I am gods gift by rejecting me"

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 26-Jan-13 21:14:58


you didn't do anything wrong, you didn't attract their attention they where being grade A arseholes.

HollaAtMeBaby Sat 26-Jan-13 21:21:07

YANBU and I would report it to the police. The bus will have had CCTV.

this sort of thing is why I carry illegal pepper spray in my handbag

Catchingmockingbirds Sat 26-Jan-13 21:21:16

I think it's really awful that you have to ask if yabu to feel violated by that. You are certainly not over-reacting, you were also on your own (I'm presuming?) and no doubt felt vulnerable, those men were horrible. I read out the first paragraph to DP for a male perspective on the situation and he was disgusted by their behaviour too.

Snazzynewyear Sat 26-Jan-13 21:27:49

That is completely unacceptable and has in no way been invited, even 'unintentionally' by sitting on a bus! And as for calling you 'rude', well the irony is unbelievable. What a disgusting act of harrassment and sense of entitlement.

I can totally see why you would freeze given your history and I think you handled it really well. I would consciously think about how you are going to approach it if something like this happens again - not because it necessarily will - it's not you at all, it's them being twats, but sadly we can all be unlucky enough to run into twats at any time, through no fault of our own.

With a plan you will feel more in control, whether it is standing up loudly and saying to the other passengers 'I am moving because these men are harrassing me. You are all witnesses', or going and telling the driver you want an incident reported, or getting your phone out and calling the police (even just to scare them off).

Just remember: whatever you decide to do, this is never your fault. It is always their fault and their wrongdoing.

Snazzynewyear Sat 26-Jan-13 21:28:28

Holla I move ever closer to considering that myself...

littlemisssunny Sat 26-Jan-13 21:33:23

OP YANBU please report it, I hope you are feeling ok now?

What they did is not acceptable and is not your fault!

Peevish Sat 26-Jan-13 21:36:14

What CailinDana said - please don't feel for a single second that you brought a smidgen of this horrible onslaught on yourself.

(It doesn't even need to be pepper spray - a quick shot of spray deodorant in the eye is very nasty and has the advantage of being entirely legal.)

DrawMeADream Sat 26-Jan-13 21:38:44

Thank you for the replies, everyone. To be honest, I do agree that I shouldn't have to ask - it was the reactions of the other people on the bus that made me question my judgement. I'm never very comfortable with sexual attention - even relatively innocent flirting - so I don't completely trust my own sense of perspective.

I will check re. the CCTV, but I don't think there was any - its a really old rickety bus. DH would like to see it so he knows who to punch in the face - he doesn't have my reticence regarding confrontation, hehe.

What also really disturbed me was that there was a mother and a girl of about 4 sitting a few seats in front of me, and the little girl would have definitely heard the whole swearing/leering fest. It also made me think, what if I had had my daughter with me? I would have had no clue how to handle that situation. Fortunately DH was taking care of her, and had sent me out to relax for a few hours - DD is 1 and has some chronic health problems that are quite draining, so he was giving me a bit of respite.

Well, it was meant to be respite. Didn't really turn out that way...

EMS23 Sat 26-Jan-13 21:39:23

YANBU and whilst I like to think I'd have given them a strong warning I imagine I'd have been so taken by surprise that this was actually happening that I'd have stayed quiet too.

What would you think if you we're reading this thread or your best friend/ sister/DD was telling you this had happened to them? I bet you'd be sure it wasn't their fault and they were NBU.

If you feel up to it, call the police. If not, I don't blame you but please don't spend any longer blaming yourself.

Branleuse Sat 26-Jan-13 21:41:40

youre not overeacting. They were pigs

namchan Sat 26-Jan-13 21:42:32

Please don't blame yourself for this, decent men, good people, wouldn't do this to someone.

Now that I am old, and don't give a fuck what a gang of arseholes or people on a bus think, I would have said something had I seen this happening to another woman. But I think most people don't like to get involved- that doesn't mean it's ok. It absolutely wasn't your fault and I really hope you feel better soon.

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