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I want another baby, husband doesn't. What's the compromise?

(142 Posts)
Empross76 Sat 26-Jan-13 18:12:36

I wanted to put this in 'Chat' but can't find it!
I've posted about this before but didn't get much response and as it's ongoing I'm posting again...
So, we have two DC (DD aged 5 and DS aged 2). DH feels that family is complete and in no way, shape or form wants any more children. Even if we were loaded, had a bigger house... just feels the family is complete.
I feel the opposite way - I want more children. I love my two children with all my heart but don't feel that I'm done yet.
I've been broody since my DS was born, and it just won't subside. It's making me miserable and resentful towards my husband at times.
I could ramble on and on about this, but I'll stop there. So I was just wondering - anybody had a similar situation? What did you do? I worry that I will always feel this way.

rockpop0885 Sun 10-Sep-17 06:00:10

I too ache over the desperate "need" for another child, and I dont think anyone can understand the pain in that til they've been there, I wish I could turn off my emotions, change my desires or dreams, but my heart wants what it wants and Ive always been a girl who chases her dreams. I worry greatly about resentment.
I worry this terrible aching wont ever pass.
I cry literally every single day I feel like Im almost mourning this loss of someone Ive never met someone I feel so strongly belongs in our family. anxiety and heart ache are easy to mask.
I feel lost, and lonely and sometimes crazy over missing and wanting this baby, I can only hope that if I just focus on whats in front of me develop a new plan I can get over this sorrow, but from where I stand it seems unlikely right now. I'm trusting God.

But like many others have said - outside of words exchanged with your partner there really isnt much more you can do.

Guepe Fri 19-May-17 23:24:27

Well she might have had more kids by now, the OP is from 4 years ago.

QuietCorday Fri 19-May-17 22:57:41

I have a couple of friends that have privately admitted they would not have had a third or fourth child if they had known what it would mean.

It seems that the real difficulties start to surface when the children range between primary and secondary. I have one friend whose three children are all at different schools. Her school run is a round trip of three to four hours a day depending on traffic. She had to give up her part-time job because she couldn't manage the logistics.

Then there's the issue of having teens with such different personalities that they can't really live together in anything resembling harmony. The husband of one of my friends deals with this by working until 10pm at night because he cannot deal with the stress at home.

I think it's a very tricky predicament to feel you want one more, but I do think you owe it to yourself to be practical about the matter.

Downyander Fri 19-May-17 22:21:11

Terrible feeling but there is no compromise. I wanted a second child and my husband gave differnet reasons hard for me to cope with but nothing you can do. We were getting older and I felt like it had to be talked about his reasons need more time to help my mother (his) as she is widowed now. He also admitted to me his mother said she would not have anymore babies if she was him. This was something I really wanted and I felt like I was giving up part of my life for my mother-in-law. I considered leaving my husband but had one child that I did not want to be in a broken or unhappy home. I had to suck it up and try to move forward without another but it has not been easy. I have always had a big heart for life and helping others but after this it changed me and my thinking in life. I worked for years paying for a home before marriage and my husband did not ever have to pay a house payment as I payed it off. I did quit my job when our child was born as we both agreed but I felt like I contibuted with money and home before the child came into the picture. I can say I still do think about this even if I am over 40 now. This made me a less caring person even though I do love my husband I went from loving my mother in law to just having to see her because I have to. I would have even considered moving her in with us to help take care of her as she gets older but now I would never help or let her move into our home. It was my husbands choice but it was her words to. I don't know if anyone would ever completly get over something like this just learn to live with it. I am sorry you had this problem and know this is an old thread and hope you either got the baby you wanted or are finding happiness without it. My prayers to you as I know how hard it is.

Allinonebucket Mon 28-Jan-13 13:01:10

I always wanted three and DH wanted two or three. Getting baby number two has been such hard work, and taken so long, that DH wants to stop now. He feels we are too old and that it would cause too much stress trying again.
Of course I am sad, but I respect his thoughts on the matter, it has been hard.

I suppose everyone must sometimes think "what if".

Yfronts Mon 28-Jan-13 12:38:33

we had an extra baby (3rd) and I'm so happy we did. DH was unsure but now adores him

Yfronts Mon 28-Jan-13 12:37:48

Have you explained to hubby your strength of feeling and how sad it's making you feel.

Its a bit late now but you should of agreed on numbers at the start of your relationship.Not really a lot you can do if you cant get him on board

Life doesn't work out like that though. DH and I always said we would have 2 kids. However, DS came along and DH to my sadness decided he didn't want any more children. There was no compromise and as gutting as it was at the time, DS is 10 now and I am quite happy now just having him .

I know of 2 couples where the woman wanted another child and the husband didn't. The women wore them down in the end and they went onto have of the couples have since split and the other couple are far from happy.

fromparistoberlin Mon 28-Jan-13 10:47:26

what the second poster said: I don't think there is a compromise in a situation like this. And sadly for you, you really shouldn't have a child unless both of you want to.

sorry! but its true

ResolutelyCheeky Mon 28-Jan-13 09:39:20

Its so hard to want another child and your husband doesn't but I feel it is important to only have one if you both want it. It is hard enough as it is without a child being resented by a partner.

Sometimes you just have to be grateful for what you have and remember some people aren't that lucky.

Doesn't stop you resenting the hell out of them sometimes though.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief Mon 28-Jan-13 01:32:26

If I definitely did not want to get pregnant & wouldn't have an abortion then I would either have to stop having sex or get sterilised.

It's not easy to get sterilised though- too many people change their minds apparently, especially if they go on to a new relationship. I am 37 and have 2 children. Am absolutely 100% sure that i do not want any more. At my 6 week check up I asked to be sterlilised (got pregnant first month both times so am paranoid) but was basically told that it's too soon after my second for me to be sure and that "you're still very young". I got a Mirena coil instead, but I'd rather have been sterilised.

KentuckyFriedChildren Sun 27-Jan-13 22:21:48

Compos yes there is. I didn't purposely get pregnant with my 3rd, I was on contraception and dh was using condoms. I asked to be sterilised but they refused on grounds of age, even though I have significant health issues that really should be taken into consideration hmm Dd2 was an accident albeit a very cherished one now. To deliberately sabotage your contraception is just plain wrong.

ComposHat Sun 27-Jan-13 21:03:21

red There is a difference between an genuine accident and having a partner deliberately sabotage the contraceptive method that you've chosen together isn't there?

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 20:59:13

If I definitely did not want to get pregnant & wouldn't have an abortion then I would either have to stop having sex or get sterilised.

Empross76 Sun 27-Jan-13 20:55:46

Jamie - I enjoyed the baby phase with my second child, but spent most of it terrified with my first!
Part of being desperate for another baby (at least one, anyway!) is missing that baby phase, but the biggest part is just wanting a large family with more than one sibling for my kids.
I always said I wanted four or five children before me and DH married, but I always said it half joking. It's only since my second child I've realised I really did mean it!

NumericalMum Sun 27-Jan-13 20:12:12

If a guy needs to wear condoms to protect himself against his wife lying about her own use of contraceptives and tricking him into having another child then I think it is fair to say that that marriage is irrevocably fucked.


balia Sun 27-Jan-13 20:09:17

What bluegrass said.

In my case, it is DH who wants more children, not me. Should it be my responsibility to 'make sure' by having an op because otherwise I'm just not 'serious' enough about not wanting to have a baby?

shesariver Sun 27-Jan-13 18:53:33

monkey no not an "odd" assumption at all, just based on the amount of women I have seen struggle as their kids grow up, and Im not necessarily talking about it taking as long till they are adults either. Usually people who have lived their lives through their children a to a certain extent.

pumpkinsweetie Sun 27-Jan-13 18:51:08

The reason i said the male should be responible in these situations is mainly because it saves the woman being blamed incase an accident is genuinely made-it does happen.
And because it is he who has made the ultimate dicision, why should the wife pump herself full of hormones for the rest of her life when the husband could protect himself through having the snip or through buying & putting on his own condoms.
It also stops false hope for the wife and any hope of him changing his mind.

Obviously if trust is an issue then maybe its best to go separate ways

thebody Sun 27-Jan-13 18:45:56

ComposHat agree totally with that post.

There's no compromise. We have 4 and dh would have had more.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 27-Jan-13 18:45:12

I suspect that you are in a minority.

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 18:37:33

It's funny but I stopped feeling broody after I had my third but was incredibly broody almost as soon as dd2 was born!!

RedHelenB Sun 27-Jan-13 18:35:50

I would think that he was serious about not having another child Boney!!!

Even if the woman was using the coil, pill etc there can be accidents, wearing a condom eliminates the risk further

ComposHat Sun 27-Jan-13 18:23:50

If a guy needs to wear condoms to protect himself against his wife lying about her own use of contraceptives and tricking him into having another child then I think it is fair to say that that marriage is irrevocably fucked


If you can't make a decision together about contraceptives and trust your long term partner, then it then the marriage as you so succinctly put it is fucked.

BoneyBackJefferson Sun 27-Jan-13 18:18:45


It can also suit women to have a "happy accident"

and as has been pointed out, after you have had the discussion about another baby and contraception how would you feel if your partner suddenly started wearing condoms?

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