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to not want my husband to be "friends" with a woman at work who

(190 Posts)
mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 15:30:39

he propostioned for a relantionship/ sex previously (last year)?
he says he just wants to be friends and that i'm being unreasonable. i took him back on the understanding that he had nothing but professional contact. I think he has lost all rights to be friends with her, even if she did turn him down. he did admit if she had said yes then he would have left me for her so i'm very sensitive to her. AIBU?
i feel he has hurt me badly and i'm having trouble believing this is just about friends and i'm worried he has feelings for her as he seems more interested in being friends than being married to me.

YouOldSlag Mon 28-Jan-13 19:16:51

Good advice newNN. Whys struggle to find help when your H can also parent (for a change!). He can walk in your shoes for a bit whilst giving you a break.

newNN Mon 28-Jan-13 16:50:17

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You sound lovely, btw and so much nicer than your husband deserves. You really do deserve so much more than you are getting here. It doesn't matter that he has promised you the earth - you need to judge him by what he actually does and what he is doing is treating you like a doormat, not pulling his weight at home and continuing to sniff around the woman at work.

Not sure how practical this is, but my piece of advice to add to the above is to share custody 50/50, if at all possible. It is not fair if he gets to piss off and leave total care of your children to you alone. Make the sleazy bastard gets to experience the realities of looking after his kids, by himself. Ensure that he does not have the freedom to carry on life as if they are solely your kids and not his. you will need this time to work on yourself - either getting a career on track or just recuperating from what is a very stressful experience.

YouOldSlag Mon 28-Jan-13 16:21:43

How awful for you mum38. I hope your life gets better and that you find happiness and peace. thanks

mum382013 Mon 28-Jan-13 13:05:51

being entitled to help and actually getting it are two different thingssad our ss only give help for the most serious life threathening cases now. have tried.

FreePeaceSweet Mon 28-Jan-13 13:03:00

As a single parent with disabled children you will surely be entitled to help? (I'm willing to be corrected on that one as I have no idea) Staying in a bad relationship for the sake of children is wrong. A child would rather one happy parent than two unhappy ones. Emotional and financial abuse is as serious as Physical. Not one person (whether friend or professional) would encourage you to put up with this any longer. You are entitled to help, you should take it.

mum382013 Mon 28-Jan-13 12:55:52

i've made an appointment with the counsellor but i'm now seeing it as a way to sort out the way i'm feeling rather than as a way of staying together. i'm beginign to not give a monkeys about how he is feeling. he was going to stay up until after midnight then come up and wake me up getting into bed. So i said no stay on sofa. he was shocked but he did it. I'm worried how i will cope with the kids disabilities physically as i have physical problems too. this weekend one child has collapsed twice and another has dislocated her knees. both needing physical strength to lift them up. thank you for all the support and pms

YouOldSlag Mon 28-Jan-13 11:43:00

he keeps saying its my fault as i made him so unhappy and made his life a misery for years

Right- so he asked another woman for a relationship and is only with you because she said no.
he has blamed you for "ruining" his friendship with her
he refuses to cut contact with her.
he says his attraction to her is your fault because you make him miserable.

If this isn't emotional abuse I don't know what is. He will ruin your life and destroy your confidence if he hasn't done already.

Do you want your relationship to be a blueprint for your children's' future relationships? Because it will be if you allow him to stay whilst he has not one iota of respect or consideration for you. He clearly takes no responsibility for his faults and obviously never will.

I know its easier said than done, but kick him out and use MN for support. You will get it in spades.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jan-13 00:28:16

OP, how imagine how great you will feel if you tell him to "get to fuck"

You can do it

You ought to do it

I don't know what you are waiting for...unless it is for him to make even more of a fool of you sad

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Sun 27-Jan-13 23:31:11

OP, you know all this that people are telling you already. You know he's a loser. He's trying to take it out on you. It doesn't matter if she whipped off her top and did him a dance in the office, he should still have been in "Wtaf? Stop that! Omg my wife will murder me, leave me alone" mode. I'd be working out my financial position without him, taking legal advice and preparing to jettison the extra toss bag that seems to be attached to your family. The complex needs of your children will need consideration, but if it's keeping you awake you might as well work it all out in your head. Once you have it clear that you can ditch him you'll find ultimatums have more weight. Or maybe that he doesn't deserve one and he's out on his ear regardless.

Cherriesarelovely Sun 27-Jan-13 23:16:04

Please do not put up with his crap! This is outrageous. I am amazed you are still with him and if he truly valued you he wouldn't dream of trying to be friends with her. Sorry OP, he is putting you in a horrible situation.

SwitchedtoEatingCheese Sun 27-Jan-13 22:17:36

Mum38, if you are making him so unhappy then he should be delighted to leave.

But seriously, you know everyone on this thread is right. You just need to summon your courage. It's a bit like jumping into a cool swimming pool on a hot day, once you have plucked up the courage to jump in, and got over he initial shock, it's lovely.

FreePeaceSweet Sun 27-Jan-13 22:07:08

Oh yes, silly me. It IS your fault. How dare you devote yourself to the health and well being of your family. Well you can stop being at fault by taking him out of the equation.
You say he doesn't really help you with your children right? I suppose you also cook, clean and wash up after him too? I dare say if you bin him off your life will improve dramatically. You'll have more time for you and your children for a start. Gah. He really is a weedy pathetic version of a man isn't he? *Shudder

mum382013 Sun 27-Jan-13 21:58:00

he keeps saying its my fault as i made him so unhappy and made his life a misery for years.

whateveritakes Sun 27-Jan-13 21:41:31

IME counselling usually comes before the final breakup not before reconciliation. Think carefully about it because do you really think staying in this relationship is doing you any good.

I agree with SwitchedtoEatingCheese post.

I'm only posting at all because I had the same thing. Took him 7 months before he went back to her.

SwitchedtoEatingCheese Sun 27-Jan-13 21:15:24

I understand you might not feel ready to leave, it took me over two years from when I first posted on mn to finally pluck up the courage.

By all means try counselling, but remember that it's not you that has the problem, it was not you trying to run away with a younger man. It is not you making your oh feel like second best.

mum382013 Sun 27-Jan-13 20:55:39

i think i'm going to do counselling then think hard about what i want.

SwitchedtoEatingCheese Sun 27-Jan-13 20:03:44

Mum38, you said earlier you were jealous of ow. Well of course, because she did what you want to do, which is tell you husband to get to fuck.

You know that's what you need to do. He's already given you the ' I'll change ' line, and it was all bullshit.

Its not you that's at fault here, it's nothing you did or didn't do. It's him.

Ask yourself, would things be any worse without him? I bet they wouldn't. In fact I bet any difficulties would be vastly outweighed by the fact you don't have to feel second best all

suburbophobe Sun 27-Jan-13 19:50:17

He's no catch at all, better a "throw"....

mum382013 Sun 27-Jan-13 18:10:23

i'm begining to see he is not much of a catch

BlueSkySunnyDay Sun 27-Jan-13 13:52:29

I would point out - hes 40, overweight, has no clue how to make the woman he supposedly loves feel good and ask him if he really thinks he is such a catch.

I am sure the pubs and clubs on the weekend are full of blokes like him being laughed at by the 20 and 30 year that the life he wants for himself?

This girl knocked him back but she shouldnt be texting and calling him - he is not a friend he is someone who wanted to have an affair with her.

Good that you are having counselling - there are far worse things in life than not having a partner and your marriage is one of them!

mum382013 Sun 27-Jan-13 13:48:10

after he left me and the kids in the cold waiting for him to lift our child into the car from her wheelchair after church today, i'm seeing how selfish he is. he slept until 11am yesterday and left all the kids care to all to me, more selfish behavour and he is supposed to be on his best behavour

AnyFucker Sun 27-Jan-13 13:43:41

You can decide this isn't good enough for you. He isn't good enough for you.

Branleuse Sun 27-Jan-13 13:39:39


you can do much better

Foggles Sun 27-Jan-13 13:37:32

Good luck OP. x

The main thing is to start thinking about yourself & what YOU want in all of this.

mum382013 Sun 27-Jan-13 13:35:22

i'm booking counselling this week, but im not sure i want to stay with him. i dont feel loved at all.

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