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to not want my husband to be "friends" with a woman at work who

(190 Posts)
mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 15:30:39

he propostioned for a relantionship/ sex previously (last year)?
he says he just wants to be friends and that i'm being unreasonable. i took him back on the understanding that he had nothing but professional contact. I think he has lost all rights to be friends with her, even if she did turn him down. he did admit if she had said yes then he would have left me for her so i'm very sensitive to her. AIBU?
i feel he has hurt me badly and i'm having trouble believing this is just about friends and i'm worried he has feelings for her as he seems more interested in being friends than being married to me.

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 26-Jan-13 15:58:05


YABU why? for taking back this undermining sack of shit in the first place, who clearly has less self respect for you then you do. If this was your child what would you be saying about their dp conduct. Also what are you going to do when he finds a new friend and is off with her, and your a few more years down the line.

Please re read your own post, and think about what you are accepting in his behaviour, he is telling you this is all your fault, and you have owned it for him.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 26-Jan-13 15:58:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateWhoopass Sat 26-Jan-13 15:58:13

Well, of course he doesn't wantto move out.
He wanted to move ON not out.
This way, he's still got full service, hasnt he? hmm

He didn't sleep with her because she wouldn't.
He wanted to.
He wanted to leave.
He is only with you because someone else turned him down
You're worth being with someone who wants YOU. Not who thinks you'll have to do.

mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 15:58:17

i told him when i took him back that i want us to go to counselling

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel Sat 26-Jan-13 15:59:40

He is actively seeking out an affair, he will only be there as long as he has nowhere else to go. You need to take control of this situaton.

mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 16:00:00

he thinks im being unreasonable

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 26-Jan-13 16:00:24

Because you forgave him the first time he feels he's got carte blanche to treat you like that again, because he thinks that, 'Oh mum382001 will take me back whatever I do'.
Give him the shock of his life, pack his bags and look forward to a life where you're no longer living with someone who you can't trust.
And if you take him back, do it on your terms or it's over.

Foggles Sat 26-Jan-13 16:00:31

mum I can absolutely understand the reasons why you tried to hold your marriage and family together.

However, not only has your DH treated you like a doormat in the past - he continues to wipe his feet on you.

achillea Sat 26-Jan-13 16:01:14

If you could give him an ultimatum what would it be?

mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 16:02:16

it has only been a few weeks since this came out, he has always been ok before that.

shebangsthedrum Sat 26-Jan-13 16:02:44

So.... Did he attend the counselling to improve your relationship and keep you happy and to show you that you are loved and wanted????

mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 16:03:07

i said he could be married to me on the understanding he never has any contact with her again, except for work stuff.

mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 16:03:47

i havent had the money to book it, £40 an hour

mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 16:04:25

it is so bad that all i want to be is loved?

meditrina Sat 26-Jan-13 16:04:28

"he said he was truly sorry and that he would move heaven and earth to make it up to me but he hasn't really"

I think this is the crux of it. Have he really, fully owned up to you, or even to himself, how badly he was in the wrong? Worked out why, instead of working on your marriage, he decided to attempt to bail out? To work out what commitment means? To really commit to you and his family? To work on himself, to improve himself from the near-adulterous betrayer into something that might be good enough to be worth your staying for?

It sounds more as if he's tried to sweep it under the carpet and ignore the real changes he needs to make.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 26-Jan-13 16:04:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 16:05:23

melditrina i think you post has hit it on the head. no he hasnt

KatyTheCleaningLady Sat 26-Jan-13 16:05:24

There's a message board for relationships that deals heavily with recovering from affairs (emotional and physical).

One of the conditions of taking an errant spouse back is total non-contact with the OP (Other Person.) If they work together, they can't be "friends" in any sense of the word.

The other condition is total transparency: freedom to see their phones/texts/emails/Facebook.

I wish I could remember that web site....

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sat 26-Jan-13 16:05:55

YANBU to ask him not to be friends with this woman but since you don't work with them and catch watch him 24/7 how will you know if he is sticking to the agreement. He's been dishonest before and clearly can't be trusted. IMO he is hoping that by staying friends with her he can put the groundwork in to make her change her mind and take him on. You will forever live in fear of this happening.

And, if it's not her it could quite easily be someone else along the line.

Please be strong and consider getting out of this relationship, you deserve to meet someone better who can give you and the kids and honest family life.

mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 16:06:28

i dont fear being on my own but i'm not sure its best for the kids

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 26-Jan-13 16:07:28

How old are your kids OP?

mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 16:07:51

kids have complex needs too so not simple

mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 16:08:41

not tiny 8,12,16 but all suffer from genetic condition

meddie Sat 26-Jan-13 16:08:47

I agree with the other posters. he doesn't love or respect you. you are second best, He's told you that already. He wouldn't be with you if she had said yes.
In fact you're his unpaid cook/house cleaner etc just making it comfortable for him until he finds a better offer.
Whats worse is he is playing mind games with you to make you believe that this is acceptable and you are being unreasonable to accept it.
You can choose to accept him still being there because you think that is preferable to going it alone, but by doing that you are telling him you deserve to be treated like a poor substitute for the women he was interested in.
Eventually though he will find someone else and you will be alone anyway. Why not take control of the situation, rescue some of your self esteem and be the one to make that decision.

Pack his bag, dump it on the doorstep and tell this sorry excuse for a man to fuck right off and then fuck off a bit more.


mum382013 Sat 26-Jan-13 16:09:23

all need lots of extra care needs/ attention

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