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To feel so upset regarding contact.

(1000 Posts)
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 26-Jan-13 13:50:06

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 13:35:46

She said I chose to be alone, as many mothers do now shock

I have offered them formal contact before. I have it written out for both of us to sign but he refuses at the end of nov. says it was pointless. It outlined more contact that I'd be willing to give now.
Apparently the mother sees no problem with her going for overnights and long days out straight away and has said I was lying in regards to the last time he had her alone.
I've got screen shots of messages and emails and all in a diary. I feel sodding shite, if it went to court could he get that?
I'm not at college yet smile start sept.

I met up with a mner yesterday and plan to meet another soon.
I can't believe it will be a year in June since this all started.
The no contact felt so much better.
I'm also not sure if its better for me to just skint myself and take him to court rather than him take me. If that makes sense as that shows I want him to have contact.
I just feel so awful. I know I haven't acted in the best ways possible sometimes but how can anyone want to live through this. Why would anyone want this on them.
Their family have never dealt with anything like this apparently. Oh yes mine deal with it all the times.
She said I was lying about all the things that had gone on in regards to my parents not wanting him in our family home, when I asked would she like her daughter treated how I have. She said I brought it all on myself, I destroyed myself.

Whocansay Sat 09-Feb-13 14:02:26

I must admit I had some sympathy with the exMIL until I read your last post. Keep your dd away from the lot of them. Make him tak eyou to court and ignore all further contact that isn't official. She's an evil old witch.

You're doing so well. You have so much to be proud of. Don't let these bastards tell you differently.

NotGeoffVader Sat 09-Feb-13 14:07:45

She's a bitch, and she knows she is.

I hope you reminded her that if her stupid son had his own way, there would be no grandchild. So, yes, you did it your way. That gives them no right to dictate to you how to live your life or what to do.

I'm wondering if you might consider posting in legal here to see if anyone can offer you any advice regarding court/contact.

It sounds to me as if you have everything properly logged and annotated. If she wants to live in victorian times (in her mind) let her.

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 14:09:42

Right Make. Lets see what we have established.

1) you are a good mum

2) XP is a cunt

3) XP's mother is a cunt

That's all you need to focus on. You have offered them a formal custody agreement - they have failed to comply. Ball TOTALLY in your court. If anything ever goes to court - that will shoot them up the arse.

I would be inclined to ignore, ignore, ignore. And if they get in contact just send your offer of regular' reasonable contact. Again and again and agin. The more times he refuses to sign - the bigger hole he digs

NotGeoffVader Sat 09-Feb-13 14:16:08

You have it Cat! smile

I was wondering if you both might like to indulge me and offer me some alternative MN names? I'm (very slowly) writing a book and could do with some inspiration!

(Sorry, totally off topic!)

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 14:19:47

Ooh Geoff? What sort of names are you after?

What's the book about?

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 14:28:59

Blimey Make. This has brought it all back!

I'm just sitting here remembering how their rejection is the worst kind of hurt. They're not just rejecting you, they're rejecting the most perfect, flawless, vulnerable part of you - your DD. double wammy.

I wish I could take your pain away.


What are you plans for the rest of the weekend?

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 14:42:57

I would love the pain to go away. We actually went for a swim. I'm just stitching DD a cushion, and we need to take our pooch to the park.
Tomo I am sorting some of DDs things out to give to a MNetter in need.
I'm trying to keep busy so I don't just sit and crumble. I know I need to be strong, keep strong for the baby I fought so hard to keep. That's what I want to say- they didn't want her. Why do they behave like this? Go away, she is mine.
She even said 'he has equal rights his name is on the BC' I felt like saying only one person knows who her father is and that's me. But sadly that's callous and I'm better than that.
Cat- you were right I genuinly thought the shock of seeing DD would
Make him realise he loved us.
I just can't believe how sad it is. I just want to curl up in a ball and let it pass , it is hard enough just trying to be a mother.
Ever since I was a child it's never been about marriage etc ive always wanted a family and children. I can never get the chance to be pg or hold my newborn for the first time again.
I'm trying to get on but it consumes me.
Thank you for all taking time out to console me and steady me. A few hours ago I would have jumped in a lion pit, now it's more curling up and sleeping it away,

What's the book lowdown notgeoff? smile

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 14:53:37

Does he legally have equal rights in regard to seeing her?

NotGeoffVader Sat 09-Feb-13 15:44:06

Lowdown on the book is that one of my characters is off to meet some women she knows from an online forum! smile smile

I don't really want to say more than that on here because it's a 'reasonably' public place and I haven't written enough to lodge any copyright to anything.

PM me if you want more!

The cushion stitching sounds good. We did get out but as it was raining it was only to the shop and back. About to down some more paracetamol and hope they'll kick in soon.

Managed to hoover & straighten up the lounge. Got to do all the washing up yet, and have promised DD a bath and hair wash. Time is tight but just wanted to check back in and see how you were doing.

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 16:07:44

Name on BC means fuck all

You have been reasonable and made and offer of regular contact. They have failed to comply.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 17:32:33

Could he manipulate a court and ever get whole days and overnights with her. That's what I'm so scared of.

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 17:33:31

Very unlikely seeing as he has been non-compliant so far

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 17:38:26

So it could happen x

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 17:42:37

Make I don't know about the law. But I would think its unlikely given the circumstances. But don't worry about that. It's a long way ahead. Focus on the now.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 17:45:10

I'm going to have to take him to court aren't I

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 17:48:40

No. He will have to take you to court if he wants regular, organised contact with DD. Which you have already offered. Which he has declined.

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 17:53:52

Make - what will happen will happen. He is her father. And if he proves himself he will be entitled to contact with her.

HOWEVER. This will be a lot further down the line. And if he suddenly stops being a cunt and starts being a big boy - then great. Your DD will have a dad.

Not looking likely though is it?

You are still thinking about HIM. Your angst is all about HIM.

How is DD?

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 17:56:49

I can tell you are still focused on wanting him to love DD

You are flogging a dead horse. If he was interested he would not be playing these silly games. You cannot force someone to love someone. You cannot force someone to have feelings that you want them to have.

Sorry to sound so harsh but you need to face up to the reality.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 17:58:39

Thank you cat, I'm thinking of dd. I don't want her distressed with people she doesn't know that's all she's getting to that clingy stage.
She's good thanks she's playing with her toys grin

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 18:00:20

Well I'm just trying to decide what to have from the Chinese? winegrin

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 18:00:57

Big decisions!

What do your parents think of it all Make?

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 18:11:58

Arh special curry! My fave.

They think I should ignore and force them to take me to court.

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 18:15:28

What is special curry?

It's on my menu

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 18:22:03

It's beef pork prawns and chicken in a curry sauce smile

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