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To feel so upset regarding contact.

(1000 Posts)
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 26-Jan-13 13:50:06

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Thu 07-Feb-13 08:46:01

I won't smile

NotGeoffVader Thu 07-Feb-13 09:35:04

An amicable relationship is dependant on both parties being reasonable, though - and if your ex is not willing to compromise or be considerate in any way, unfortunately that isn't going to pan out.

WRT other people, well, that's other people. I know many folks who were happily coupled up when I was horribly single. Unfortunately almost all of them have been deceived, cheated on, abused or walked out on. One of my friends has a very volatile relationship with her ex and is basically only still speaking to him (mostly through a sol.) for the benefit of her children. Who he often cancels visits with. The eldest child sees him for what he is and has said that she no longer wants contact. So it appears that Karma is well and truly at work.

Just keep away from the texting! smile

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Thu 07-Feb-13 09:36:09

smile I will I promise.
I just hope someone comes along for me one day

NotGeoffVader Thu 07-Feb-13 09:42:03

Honestly, plenty of time!

A friend of mine was a single mum for a few years. Her ex walked out on her when she was pregnant, wanted nothing to do with her or the baby.

She brought up her little one whilst working a p/t job and doing a f/t degree course. She met a man (friend of her parents) when her child was around 3. They got married last year, and her child (by then 6.5) played a key role in the whole ceremony.

I hear child no. 2 is on its way now too.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Thu 07-Feb-13 10:29:11

That's amazing! smile

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 08:42:09

Today I can't do it. I can't even stop the tears this morning. I don't want to do it anymore. I can't do it.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Feb-13 09:06:48

Oh, lovey, what can't you do? I'm sorry you're sad.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 09:32:36

I can't bring up a baby on my own. It's relentless and the tears won't stop this morning.
I need to take her swimming and it will be full of families and I just can't do it

NotGeoffVader Sat 09-Feb-13 09:33:51

You CAN do it, lovely!

Deep breath. Break the day into small chunks. Just deal with each hour individually rather than thinking (and worrying about the whole day).

Make sure you have a reward in store for yourself - a choc bar, a cake, a glass of something nice, a bubble bath, etc.

Sending you some hugs - regardless of protocol. xx

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 09:41:58

I can't do it I'm so rubbish at it.
She must get so sick of looking at me. Yesterday was a great great day and today I've crashed. Everything feels so forced.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Feb-13 09:50:59

You don't need to take her swimming. Take her somewhere less hard work but still nice, like for a walk in the park.

She does not get sick of looking at you, she loves you. Tell her you are a bit sad and when we are sad we cry and then crying helps us get a bit of sad out so we feel better. Then have a big cry. Then it will stop. Then go out in the fresh air, even for 15 minutes. Then get some toys out and sit n the floor and faff about.

Eat a boiled egg or similar easy something for lunch.

You can do that, I know you can, and that is all a good mum needs to do just today. In fact, that is pretty damn good IMO.

I hav had hard days andonthose days I make a two hour plan and get through it. Today is just one day.

NotGeoffVader Sat 09-Feb-13 11:22:36

Ah yes, don't worry about swimming. I've never taken DD swimming. Mainly because I hate being in the water, and I can barely swim.

We've done nothing all morning! I'm going to take her out for a little run round/play in the park. Then some lunch. Then going to sleep whilst she does.
Got PMT lurking and feel like shit - and I'm off out tonight, so got to get the place tidy for babysitters.

Yellow has it all summed up beautifully! smile

Ashoething Sat 09-Feb-13 11:35:37

Did you used to be pickles?

If so my advice remains the same-stop focusing on him and his new gf-he has moved on. He is not coming back and even if he did why would you want him after the way he has behaved?

Go see a solicitor and arrange formal contact. If he fucks that up then he is out of your dd's life and you can say that you did your very best by your dd.

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 12:17:58

Make - I'm going to be quite harsh now and tell me to fuck off if I'm wrong.

But I'm getting the feeling that this isn't about DD. it's about you.

I think you're still struggling with XP's rejection of you. You know your DD is fine. She has you, she has your parents. She's a happy baby. So why so much angst over a twatty boy and his silly mother?

You do know that children grow up with just one parent and are fine don't you?

But you didn't envisage this. You thought XP would fall in love with DD and subsequently fall (back) in love with you.

You are hankering for a traditional family unit and family life. But trust me sweety, he cannot and will not give you that.

You are filled with fury that he doesn't have the same love and adoration that you have for your DD - and you can't understand how he has moved on so quickly.

In an earlier post you talked about yourself and 'what he was missing out on'

Honey it's sooooo hard and I've been there, got the t shirt. But he doesn't love you. And never will. He will never love DD the way that you do, and want him to.

Please, please, please, for your own sanity - accept that you are no longer a couple, accept that your DD doesn't have a father, and focus on YOU.

You are stuck in a headspace that is pointless, destructive and to be quite honest, very selfish.

Please feel free to tell me I am a cunt and I am totally wrong. I will hide your thread.


MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 12:34:55

Your right cat

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 12:43:19

Oh honey ((((((((cuddle))))))))

I want to pick you up and squeeze your bones.

It will get better. I promise. One day you won't feel like this. I promise. Just keep breathing. One day at a time. Look at your beautiful DD and start thinking about the future.

What are your plans? College? Job?

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 12:45:53

I got into college on a access course.

The thing is I haven't stopped him seeing her regardless of my feelings. I can't afford solicitors and don't qualify for legal aid. I've been once.
I'm just do terrified they will take her away. I've not always said the best things but my actions say more. I'm not a bad person. I don't see what's wrong with me. I never lied about anything that's gone on. I can't afford the legal fees they can.
I actually want to just die.

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 12:53:15

Honey. You do not want to die. They will not take DD.

I truely think you need to cut all contact with them. For your sake. To keep your brain sane. To enable you to continue being a Top Mum!

They can contact via solicitor for contact. Are you sure re the legal aid thing? I though it was really easy to get in family law cases?

Do you know any other young single mums? Have you looked at the local boards on here? Or tried <whispers> netmums?

Finding people in the same position who have coped/are coping will help you I promise


catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 12:55:36

Where are you Make??

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 12:55:50

I have two great Mn friends and you always talk to me. There's no gingerbread in my area.
I'm rubbish for dd like this. It feels like it will never go away. If it goes to court there's no garuntee what access they will get is there?

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 13:00:40

I know happy stories don't help. But I was you 13 years ago.

I am now married with DS2 (see! It does happen)

BUT. I treasure those days with DS1, just the two of us. He is AMAZING and my best friend and a wonderful young man (and my favourite but sssssshhhhhhh smile)

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 13:01:36

Do you think they will really take it to court?

Fuckers aren't they? Will drag it to court even though not really that interested

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 09-Feb-13 13:06:16

Cat- I don't even know what to do. Of they email for contact and I ignore if it does ever go to court it will go against me. My diary has all the facts, but I feel ill be made to look like its made up should it go to court.
I Just want a happy ending. If he wants to be a dad be a dad, but don't tell lies, because that's making me doubt myself.
I feel so under scrutiny (mostly by myself) that even I feel like I'm lying, if that makes sense. She told me she's getting him to call me, what's the point.
You know you said it's about me partly, well if I got an apology and he was regular with contact and took a interest I could do it.
I hope I'm making sense

NotGeoffVader Sat 09-Feb-13 13:06:57

I can't offer any advice on legal aid because it's not something I've done, but if you're at college, there will be a student support department. It's well worth speaking to them (not to necessarily give them the whole backstory, but to give them an outline) as they may know the appropriate avenues of legal support/intervention etc. or alternative means. I know they've been very helpful to a friend of mine for different (although some similar to you) reasons.

I am wondering if there are any MN-ers who are close to you. If I was nearer to you, I'd be over with tea/coffee and cake right now... but I know you're several hours away, unfortunately sad

Cat has some good advice, particularly as she's speaking from experience, but I realise that may all be quite overwhelming at the moment.

On another subject, how's college going? You know what, I admire your determination in doing it right now. If my DD was 5 months old and I was at college, I'd be freaking out! I find it hard enough being p/t with her being 2 years old. My time is not my own! (ungrateful emoticon needed).

catinboots Sat 09-Feb-13 13:15:53

I think - and I might be wrong, that you should make them a formal offer of contact

(Hopefully some legal bods will be along soon)

And as you are doing already - keep EVERYTHING written down. So far, they don't look good.

They've not kept regular contact.

They've not proposed an offer of regular contact.

Now is the time for you to say - ok, you can see her every Saturday at X time at X location. If they are serious about a relationship with her, they will agree to it.

And I totally understand about how it would be easier for you if they accepted and loved DD the way that you do.

Double rejection is utter shit. Not only are you hurting, but you are astounded how someone could hurt your beloved DD

Good god Make - I'd like to give your XP and his mother a piece of my mind. Messing with a new mum, who is clearly vulnerable and struggling?

Utter, utter cunts. Particularly the mother.

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