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To feel so upset regarding contact.

(1000 Posts)
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 26-Jan-13 13:50:06

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

catinboots Tue 05-Feb-13 20:18:08


Keep that in your mind!

He is a flakey turd.

What do you and DD have planned this week? Anything nice? Have you started swimming lessons with her yet?

I'm so naughty. DS1 started swimming at 6 months and is a brill swimmer (he's 13 now)

DS2 is 3 in March and he's only been in a swimming pool about 5 times blush

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Tue 05-Feb-13 20:28:47

Well I feel surprisingly okay now.
We are doing one nice fun thing a day. So sat we go swimming, sun we fed the ducks, mon my memory's gone wink and today DD thought this was the best yet-
We found all the best free toys in the house we could. These include a wooden spoon, a TV control, a whisk and quite odd but a carrot and swede!
The dog thinks we are crackers wink it beats any noisy toys anyway.
Oh there was one sad moment today, Dd is rather attached to a toy rabbit ( like the Harvey and rabbit advert as our dog is a Harvey) well said rabbit had to have emergency surgery from mummy today after a rather horrific ear ripping off incident shock so this caused major drama.

See? See what he's missing? A insane women juggling carrots, various kitchen utensils whilst wielding a needle and thread! smile

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Tue 05-Feb-13 20:34:36

Argh just got a message saying he wants to see her tomo as I offered him Sunday which he can't do! As he's away with new GF

Not my problem. He has had the last month.

catinboots Tue 05-Feb-13 20:43:58

Stand your ground Make.

Your DD. your rules x

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Tue 05-Feb-13 20:44:17

You simply repeat you have plans, don't get dragged into why/how/what. Never mind what he's doing when he can't see her, as long as you make it clear if he gives sufficient notice you will have no problem making her available in whatever way you want contact to happen (at yours/contact centre/soft play/park) and leave it at that. Do not engage. Keep it short, and simple, and repeat, repeat, repeat every time he sends you a text with less than 48 hours notice (or whatever notice you think is reasonable).

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Tue 05-Feb-13 20:48:12

. I've been perfectly reasonable, you have been AWOL now for a month. I have said tommorow is too short notice as you did know. I have offered you Sunday, your day off, therefore I am accommodating that, if your priorities cannot accommodate that then that's that.

How's that?

thixotropic Tue 05-Feb-13 20:49:42

Just. Say. No.

Week in advance or nothing

And change your mobile number. Get a free/cheap payg sim give him that number only and (get your mum to) check it once a week, and tell him (in writing) that it is only been checked once a week, on a sunday night. So no txt by Sunday. No meeting in the next 7 days.

Same if he has email contact. Get a new email address. Check the one he can access once a week only.

Fuck him and his wanky bollocks. You know you want to.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Tue 05-Feb-13 20:55:47

I've been doing all that smile he doesn't have my main number a old payg in a drawer.
I'm so proud of myself for not caving regarding tomo smile
That's mostly down to all of you helpful supportive people smile

thixotropic Tue 05-Feb-13 20:57:50

Don't go into detail with replies to him. Just say: No. Not enough notice. 1 week or nothing. Try again later.
Don't engage or apologise

thixotropic Tue 05-Feb-13 21:00:31

I'm a lurker usually. But his nobbishness is making me angry enough to post. I have a close friend went through this Shit.

We are all rooting for you.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Tue 05-Feb-13 21:02:08

Thank you smile

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Wed 06-Feb-13 10:54:02

I'm just so so angry. Not even asked how she is? Nor apologised/explained why he hasn't been in contact.
Is it unacceptable to be out of contact for a month isn't it? It's not just me is it?
My head is like a washing machine right now.

catinboots Wed 06-Feb-13 11:28:34

He is an arsewipe. You know that.

Why are you torturing yourself trying to understand why?

You need to stop giving this moron any of your brainspace

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Wed 06-Feb-13 11:31:42

How though?

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Wed 06-Feb-13 11:39:35

You need to just focus on you and your DD and not think about him. You are hurt for your DD but you cannot change him or how he behaves so getting angry at him or hurt for your DD is energy wasted on the arsewipe. Fill your days thinking about what you can do for/with your DD and don't think about him at all. You need to let him do what he does and ignore ignore ignore. My mantra is do not engage - you need something similar so you can concentrate on just getting on with your life with your DD.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Wed 06-Feb-13 12:15:14

And now his mother emails asking for pictures. confused

FreckledLeopard Wed 06-Feb-13 12:22:37

I remember your previous threads. You're doing great - if you can totally ignore the others, not reply to texts etc, then try and do that. Sending nasty messages, changing times to see your DD, treating you like crap - you don't need it and nor does your DD.

I'd not initiate any communication with them or reply to texts. Ignore and see if they actually get off their backsides to do anything as regards regular, appropriate contact, or if they do nothing.

Chin up - you're doing great. One day at a time....

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Wed 06-Feb-13 18:31:14

Freckled if I ignore and don't offer alternatives will it go against me if it ever went to court?

On another note I need a fun thing to do with DD tomo. We do one fun thing a day. Today was the park, we've fed the ducks and been swimming this week smile

NotGeoffVader Wed 06-Feb-13 22:18:52

I'd add my two penn'orth but there is so much great advice and support here.

I know your situation isn't quite the same as someone I'm in contact with on here, but she's had the same sorts of ups and downs as you, to a degree - and the 'play it cool' card is most certainly the one to use. The one where you just reiterate the facts, calmly, with no emotion. Not something that would go against you as it smacks of reason and rationality.

I think you're doing great! May poss be worth speaking to your GP to see if he thinks AD's might be a short-term solution to support/reinforce the counselling?

Just wanted to let you know I'm routing for you!

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Thu 07-Feb-13 06:25:05

Thank you notgeoff smile
It's just so very hard. I think the fact my parents were not together since I was 1 makes it harder as they have managed to have a lovely amicable relationship.
There's a bit of a baby boom going on at the minute and its quite upsetting seeing the marriage proposals of some and the short relationships turning into family's. not that I want that off twunt but I still find I'm envious

diddl Thu 07-Feb-13 07:30:37

How horrible it all sounds.

I agree with keeping if factual-that doesn´t work-how about this?

As for his Mum-isn´t it up to him to arrange when she sees her & can´t he send pictures??

diddl Thu 07-Feb-13 07:31:11

If she already has two good GPs in your parents-that´s enough!!

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Thu 07-Feb-13 07:48:51

Exactly but he has no pictures to send them.
I'm not a rude person but i am thinking of writing them a honest email, after all what exactly do I have to loose. I've shut up and put up for too long. I sent them a picture it's not like they deserve that, they didn't want her!

diddl Thu 07-Feb-13 07:50:31

"Exactly but he has no pictures to send them."

Not your problem!

catinboots Thu 07-Feb-13 08:10:54

Don't email.

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