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To feel so upset regarding contact.

(1000 Posts)
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 26-Jan-13 13:50:06

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 26-Jan-13 16:03:47

No, I don't think she has the makings of a good granny. You need to care about the child to be a good relative to them, and it doesn't sound as if she does (ditto her son).

You say your mother's willing to reply to this woman? That's very kind of her and I'd take her up on it. I think you need a filter between you and this family, to protect you. The greater emotional distance between you and them that you can achieve, the better sad. They are not good for you, and you sound so low in your posts, I just think you would benefit from not having to deal with them right now.

PurplePidjin Sat 26-Jan-13 16:17:56

That kind of proves my point - if she'd raised a less despicable human being, she'd be getting what she wanted now. Reap what you sow and all that.

<hardfaced bitch>

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 26-Jan-13 16:19:40

I feel so low.
I just want it all to go away so I can concentrate on DD. I missed enjoying my pregnancy and first month of her life due to stress and the whole situation made me very ill.
I have no confidence left, it takes every fibre of willpower I have left to make it to baby clinic.
I only ever walk my dog and see my parents.
I am so critical of myself, so intent on keeping everyone happy.
Just when I get the impression they have gone- they send a text. After so long.
They think I need to cut their son some slack as he works so hard.
I had a job, a good career.
I am having to start my life again.
That one text will knock me sideways. I will be now unable to sleep, nor eat. The anxiety becomes too much.
I'm on medication for both these issues.
I just wonder why? What I did to deserve such a time? I always believed I was a kind genuine person, now I just doubt myself.
My days are filled with trying to understand something I will never understand.
The worst thing of all is the fact I can't stop these thoughts. Over and over again.
A silly text message is all is took wink

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 26-Jan-13 16:33:18

Never mind that anyway:
Do I ignore her? Or Mum to text? Or do I text?

Buddhastic Sat 26-Jan-13 16:41:50

I think you should ignore her. It seems any contact with her will only cause you more stress and really you don't need that right now. Not sure if you mentioned this but did he move away from you or you move back home to be near Mum and Dad?

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 26-Jan-13 16:42:48

I'd go with either 'ignore' or 'Mum to text and completely fob her off'. Direct contact with this woman is not in your best interests.

TalkativeJim Sat 26-Jan-13 16:50:53

If I were to reply to her text - which is doubtful - it would be along the lines of:

'Excuse me? The last message you sent me was highly inappropriate and abusive. Perhaps you would like to explain your reasons for sending messages like that before expecting me to be happy for my child to see you?

Throw it back to her and don't be pushed around.

Or-better still - just ignore. These people really aren't going to be a positive part of you and your DD's life - just the opposite. You might look back and regret the fact that they are involved more than you regret them not.

I would let them drift off.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 26-Jan-13 16:51:23

He threw me out at 5 months pregnant, I had to take early maternity and move home to my parents.

flippinada Sat 26-Jan-13 17:00:39

I remember you from your previous thread MakeitUp. YANBU.

Of course it's hurtful, because this is your precious, lovely DD and I expect you're wondering how anyone could treat their own child with such indifference.

I would agree with others who have said that your DD won't get anything from these awful people being in her life.

That said, if they (ex and his mum) do want to be in her life it's up to them to do the running and prove to you that they are trustworthy and capable of looking after your daughter.

Best of luck to you.

PurplePidjin Sat 26-Jan-13 17:14:28

Ignore. Show her as much respect as she shows you.

StripiestSocks Sat 26-Jan-13 17:16:21

I think you would be wise to stop trying to facilitate any contact. It is hard that her dad is a waste of space, but you can't change him. Just focus on yourself, you are enough for your dd.

I'm so sorry, it is hard, but acceptance is really the only way for you to have peace.

StripiestSocks Sat 26-Jan-13 17:17:22

And I agree ignore his mum's texts. And stick to supervised contact.

TheProvincialLady Sat 26-Jan-13 17:48:13

BLOCK this woman so that she can't contact you. Look what happens when she does. You doubt yourself, it makes you v anxious and ill. You don't deserve that. It is up to your daughter's father to maintain contact between her and his famiy, but as he can't even safely organise contact with her himself it's not likely to happen any time soon (good!) - but that's not your fault or your responsibility. IF she had behaved with any decency you might have been able to accommodate her despite her appalling son, but she hasn't and she and her nasty family are bad news for your baby and for you. Don't let them contact you. Could your mum help you out by explaining the situation to MIL?

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 26-Jan-13 17:53:39

My mum is going to.

Thank you for all the kind words and guidance smile

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 26-Jan-13 19:40:21

It's just so very sad. How can you go so long without asking about a baby? You may not like me but she's a innocent baby, part of all of them.
They may work but so do my family. Some of my family have made a 4 hour each way journey to see her more often than her paternal family have ever seen her.

PurplePidjin Sat 26-Jan-13 19:52:02

Because he lacks the warmth and depth to merit even the title of Cunt.

Stop wasting your valuable time and energy on him. Your dad, brothers etc will provide a good enough male role model for your dd in years to come.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 26-Jan-13 19:52:37

I don't know if you will remember but we spoke about this before.

Why are you chasing him?
Why are you accepting his mothers behaviour?

Just ignore.nothing you can say or do will turn dd's dad into a reasonable human being so why are you encouraging him when he has no interest at all.

Just ignore any requests for anything that are not from him and respond accordingly to him.

By that I mean agree to his requests for contact within the safe arrangements you use but ignore everything else that does not fit into the safe requirements.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 26-Jan-13 19:56:39

Thank you purple.
It's just got to that time of night again on a Saturday night where I've just got in bed, DD is asleep and I'm feeling lonely and sorry for myself.
My mum spoke to me earlier and believes I've done my grieving for my relationship already, I'm now almost grieving on DDs behalf in a disbelieving state.
I'm not sure where to turn actually. I've only got mum and dad back home really. I tried gingerbread but my nearest group is miles away. I'm not sure if I need therapy or something as my confidence is on the floor and beyond.
I took DD swimming today so that was an achievement.
This week I got two acceptance letter from college pending interviews, not too sure how ill manage getting to a interview however.
That's something anyway.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sat 26-Jan-13 19:58:36

I know sock, I know your right. I've stopped everything now, I am just shocked that he has turned his back and the cheek of her text gave me a huge wobble that there is not garuntee (sp) they can go forever confused

3littlefrogs Sat 26-Jan-13 20:09:28

Give your mum your phone.

Get a new phone with a new number.

Would you be able to negotiate a deal with your phone company so that one phone could be a cheap PAYG?

Write one letter to your dd's father saying it is up to him to arrange contact, and whilst you are agreeable to a reasonable amount of supervised contact, neither he nor his family are to subject you to abusive tests and calls.

Do not give him, or any of his family your new phone number.

Whatever you do, don't go anywhere near any of those people on your own with dd.

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sun 27-Jan-13 12:22:07

Thank you.
I live with my mum and dad. I hate hearing from them. It gives me such a wobble and rather than feeling proud of how much I've done alone it makes me feel so sad.
They don't deserve to be in her life, everything is documented not just for if it ever goes to court but for DD too.
I'm considering writing a letter to DD outlining everything in her tiny life.

Right now my strength has gone. I want to curl up in a ball. I just want a cuddle and to sob and I do not know why!

Whocansay Sun 27-Jan-13 14:12:41

If you feel that uncomfortable about it, ignore her. You're the one that knows her.

As someone impartial, it sounds like she's trying to hold out an olive branch. Maybe she realises she was wrong and what she has to lose? I can't know what her motives are. You could try it once and see how it goes. You haven't lost anything other than an afternoon if it turns out to be a mistake. But take your mum with you for backup!

CremeEggThief Sun 27-Jan-13 14:26:21

So sorry you are feeling so low sad. FWIW, you have done so well this week, taking your DD swimming and applying for college. Keep track of those positives.

I really think you need to focus on you and DD now, and forget about your ex and his family. Don't stop contact, but if they want it, let them come to you and comply with your wishes. If they can't or won't do this, they're not worth bothering with.

Also, might it be worth going back to your GP to discuss how you're feeling?

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong Sun 27-Jan-13 15:21:24

Thank you everyone.

I'm not too sure what my doctor can do. I had counselling but it was only 8 sessions that just finished after DD was born

myroomisatip Sun 27-Jan-13 15:34:31

It seems to me that this is really making you ill.

These people will never change. Cut them right out. Do not have any contact whatsoever. If your parents are prepared to deal with any messages from them then let that be so.

As it was said upthread, your daughter will be loved enough by your own family and wont miss out by not having your ex and his mother in her life.

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