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To expect DH to stick up for me and show respect?

(76 Posts)
ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 12:34:49

DH and I have this friend. This friend, Bob, would often have drinks or dinner with DH, usually without me being there - for reasons due to it being a guy's night, I didn't want to go to X venue or whatever.

Bob is known to be a bit of a schemer, smarmy and sometimes underhanded. All starts off well and good - Bob isn't Pinochet. You just have to roll your eyes at him and laugh at the pathetic nature of it all. Still, my DH likes shooting the superficial shit with him and allows him a chance to get out of the house and socialise etc.

It comes to my attention that Bob is saying unkind things about me and even my DH to DH's face! Bob once addressed me in an email as 'Dear blah blah blah'. A few off-colour comments are made by Bob about me. Now, I pointed these out to Dh and said that it was unacceptable and Bob was not only insulting me but also doubly-insulting us to do it to DH's face. Bob has also said somethings about Dh to DH which has annoyed DH.

Dh has Asperger's anyway, but usually takes the path of least resistance: he favoured just eye-rolling at Bob and letting it go as Bob is just like that with everyone.

AIBU to expect my DH to calmly say to Bob, 'errr, mate. That's my wife you're talking about. Please stop' or something along those lines? I don't ask for a fist-fight, but just some semblance of respect. After the insults got too much and DH was refusing to do anything/say anything to Bob, I wrote Bob an email that laid down the law. But, should DH have automatically stuck up for me after e.g. the 5th off-colour comment, or should I have just put up with it/let it lie?

Secondly, DH works with a female, Jane. Jane is perfectly friendly and nice, certainly not a bad person or anything. She's a little too hyperactive and flitty for me to want to be friends with her, but that's not the point. She is also very touchy-feely. She like that with everyone. DH hates people touching him and has said that he is not comfortable when she touches him. He thinks it's easier not to say something to her than to "cause a scene".

AIBU to want him to respect my position as his wife and to, at the least, take a step back from her when she does touch him or even have an informal, off-the-cuff, even jokey light-hearted conversation about how er touching him is not on.

When the three of us once met up, I ended up walking behind them and they were walking so close side-by-side that they were touching. I was really hurt.

Thanks for reading this far.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Jan-13 12:39:53

YANBU to want him to tell his horrible friend to mind his Ps and Qs but, if he's generally a bit of a coward about that kind of thing, it's probably a vain hope. Rather than waiting for him to step up to the mark in future, tell 'Bob' he's no longer welcome in your house. That ought to shut the wanker up....

Pagwatch Sat 26-Jan-13 12:41:01

I think he is being a bit pathetic by not challenging Bob. I would be irritated but I wouldn't stoop to emailing him about it - that was a bit pointless reallywasn't it?
And I am right in thinking that your DH tells you all the things Bob says about you when you are not there? Why does he do that?

The touchy feelie woman wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Finally, I know it's bad but Dear Blahblahblah is hilarious grin

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 12:45:49

Oh no, DH didn't relay the comments to me to stir or for any other negative conversation. He's definitely not like that. I found out more through general conversation as to how the evening was etc.

Also, sorry, it's an extension to the original post: I don't socialise with Bob any longer. Last night, DH went to a group dinner organised by Bob, and obviously I wasn't invited/didn't go. DH remarked that 'was it really worth getting upset by him? Had you not reacted the way you did, you could have been out with me having a nice time?'

I was angered by this - I didn't do anything wrong! I didn't ask for Bob to be an arsehole, so why am I getting blamed?! I would have no problem meeting Bob again but would be quick to shut him down if he stepped out of line again. It's not even what Bob did, it's what DH didn't do.

Was DH BU to have made this remark?

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 12:46:12

*negative connotation!

GilmoursPillow Sat 26-Jan-13 12:46:35

It sounds more like you have the issue with touchy-feely Jane than your DH does.
If he doesn't like it he should tell her, she'd probably be mortified that she's upset him. I think he'd look a bit of a loon to tell her not to touch him because his wife doesn't like it, especially after you've said she's like that with everyone.

As for Bob, I think your DH should say to him "Hey Bob, just lay off the comments about my wife, will you? I find it disrespectful and unpleasant."

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 26-Jan-13 12:48:32

What's Pinochet got to do with anything?

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 12:49:38

Gilmours, good points.

I wonder if IBU to want DH to respect that it (her touching him) annoys me though? Almost as if it's a usurpation, iyswim?

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 12:50:22

I said 'Pinochet' to illustrate that it's not like Bob is a holy terror and some Armageddon force to be reckoned with; more that he's like a gnat or kind of bothersome.

Pagwatch Sat 26-Jan-13 12:56:01

You are waaaay over reacting about touchy feeli Jane.

Describing it as a usurpation making it sound like she is pissing on him to mark her territory.
You said she does it to everyone. Why are you taking it personally?

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 12:57:59

I guess I'm taking Jane personally because the Bob thing happened prior to Jane and this feeling of 'DH doesn't care about my standing/publicly show respect for me' became apparent.

Had Bob not happened, I'm sure I would have felt differently about Jane, iyswim? Jane was like the "last straw" (although, I don't mean to be that dramatic about it. I mean it only as an expression)

digerd Sat 26-Jan-13 12:58:56

I dislike people like Bob - who get away with making nasty remarks and upset people, but somehow have a special "charisma" that others find they can't don't want to say anything. Some people seem to have that power.
I would be upset with your DH too. Bob certainly has your DH woven into his web which people like him are able to do.

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 13:02:49

YES! Bob does have that bizarre charisma and I really can't understand why more people haven't told him where to get off or at least distanced themselves from him!

Pagwatch Sat 26-Jan-13 13:04:49

I see what you mean. His attitude to Bob has made you take Jane as an extension of his Bobist attitude.

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 13:06:44


Theicingontop Sat 26-Jan-13 13:16:03

OH is in the middle of being diagnosed, it's all happening now in his mid-twenties, he's always had tactile defensiveness. It's one of the most difficult things he has to deal with.

He's similar to your husband in that he tries to cope with it to avoid a scene, but it got too much for him last year when a particularly flirty female colleague came up from behind (a big no-no) and touched his sides (a massive no-no). Both of these things combined, coupled with the fact that he had as politely as he could with a smile, asked her not to do it... Made him blow up. He said some very harsh things in a very harsh way, and it made her cry. He couldn't help it. He felt terrible, but glad that all he did was look like a lunatic rather than lash out.

BUT it made her stop. They both apologised, and everyone at work from then on knew the score. Your husband needs to get mean and insist that people do not touch him, otherwise some people just don't get it, or respect it.

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 13:19:51

Wow, we may have the same DH as mine was diagnosed only a few months ago and is in his mid-20s.

I can see that it must be hard for him - not wanting to cause a scene. But, I wouldn't have thought that 'oh hey, I get a little nervous when people touch me...' as a casual throw-away line would constitute a scene?

I'm trying to balance his anxiety over "hashing it out" with someone with my need for a bit of...idk, chivalry?

PessaryPam Sat 26-Jan-13 13:20:26

Bobist!!! Up there with 'Leave it Don' grin

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 13:21:47

"Fuck off, Chunk"


apostropheuse Sat 26-Jan-13 13:23:30

All this Bob and Jane stuff has my head in a spin! grin

WorraLiberty Sat 26-Jan-13 13:23:46

I feel like I've stumbled into some sort of bizarre literacy course.

apostropheuse Sat 26-Jan-13 13:25:10

Worra I was going to say similar - that I'd stumbled into one of those weird sub-titled 1970s movies.

ThunderInMyHeart Sat 26-Jan-13 13:25:33

But there's no Rita or Sue!

WorraLiberty Sat 26-Jan-13 13:27:52

I must admit I read it all in the voice of Gyles Brandreth grin

apostropheuse Sat 26-Jan-13 13:29:22


(Sorry, I know that's not mumsnet-approved, but it's really the only response!)

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