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to be mad with dh

(99 Posts)
city1984 Sat 26-Jan-13 09:52:19

Last night ds had an accident. It involved me taking ds to hospital. Dh couldn't do it as he had to stay in. So he looked after 4 month ok dd. She was unsettled. He tried all the usual stuff to calm her. Nothing worked so he put her in cot and lef her to cry whilst he sat watching tv. She eventually went to sleep. I know he may not have been able to calm her. (Probably needed breast for comfort) but leaving her crying in the cot so he could watch tv. Surely he could have done more.(Think she cried for half an hour)

MamaBear17 Tue 29-Jan-13 20:27:34

I would have been upset if my dh had let my 4 month old to cry for half an hour. YANBU. My dd had colic and was often inconsolable. I occasionally had to put her down in a safe place whilst she screamed for a couple of minutes so that I could regroup, but I never left her crying for longer than a minute or two whilst I gave myself a little pep talk (was one of my coping methods). I think the key here is that me and my hubby had an agreement on what we should do and cry it out was something we were both against. You and your hubby need to agree on a plan for the future. In your case your hubby could have put her in the pram and pushed her around the living room to have settled her, It would have been much better than leaving her upstairs alone whilst he sat downstairs watching TV. I do not buy the whole 'if he had tried everything else what else could he do?' argument. My DD cried from the moment she woke up in the morning until 7 at night. I couldn't ever put her down, and on some really bad days it didn't matter what I did. She would cry, attempt to feed, attempt to poop, sleep for 20 minutes and then wake up and start it all over again. It was really, really tough, but it wouldn't have felt right to have just left her to get on with it, even though it was tough for me. I really do not think you are being unreasonable for expecting your hubby to have held a crying baby.

Greensleeves Tue 29-Jan-13 20:09:29

You definitely need to talk to him about it OP, he needs to see his daughter as a joint responsibility, including her emotional needs.

Clearly a minority of posters feel that leaving a 4mo to cry is acceptable - but your OP and subsequent posts suggest that you don't. So I think you need to lay it on the table with your dh that this can't happen.

city1984 Mon 28-Jan-13 16:01:24

No I didn't tell him which I agree was a mistake. Although its not the shower incident which bothered me. It was probably only 5 minutes if that.
I do however, need to have a chat about dh pulling his weight with this baby. As soon as she starts crying he just brings her to me. I don't know whether it is the crying that gets to him, whether he feels helpless or just can't be bothered.
Not an easy subject to broach. He definately wasn't same with out 1st child.

Emilythornesbff Mon 28-Jan-13 15:54:49

13iggis: exactly.

13Iggis Mon 28-Jan-13 15:37:51

He wasn't being interviewed when the baby was crying. He was watching tv.

MrsOakenshield Mon 28-Jan-13 15:06:16

there is surely a difference between leaving a baby to cry as a one-off, and doing it regularly? I don't think any harm can come from one occasion.

If you've had time part to mull things over I would just sit down calmly with your DH and talk it through, together, as parents - don't make it about who's right or wrong - just how to move forward should the situation arise again. Maybe your DH thought it would be better for DD to stay in her room rather than move her about the house, overstimulating her? And that he really did feel there was nothing he could do for her and the noise was driving him to distraction - I know that my DD's cry when she was this age could nigh on push me over the edge, especially if I'd tried everything. Without knowing his side it's hard to say.

It sounds like it's a one-off series of events that are unlikely to happen again. Your DD will have come to no harm. Presumably as she is your second child you must know what DH is like as a parent - good enough to have a second child with it seems.

sudaname Mon 28-Jan-13 14:46:18

Astelia l agree, You can almost see the 'possible poor attendance' red flag flashing across the interviewers eyes.

Also it doesnt sound like the OP actually told her DH she was going in shower and could he listen out for the baby. She did say he might not have heard the baby so maybe he wasnt aware he was even 'on duty'. So l think OPs DH is getting treated a bit harshly tbh.

Astelia Mon 28-Jan-13 14:22:59

What would happen if he wasn't there when you were taking a shower? The baby would have to cope for twenty minutes. It isn't the end of the world. How do single parents manage?

I think a job interview comes massively higher up the importance scale than a crying baby- no way should he have tried to reschedule the interview. How wimpy does that sound- sorry can't talk as my baby is crying. Hardly very professional.

OP you sound very controlling and critical, give the man a break.

nickelbabe Mon 28-Jan-13 14:18:28

Aman - there's a massive difference between constantly being put in the situation where the baby crying puts you at the end of your tether and to have to perform evasive action and letting a baby CIO because you don't have the patience to deal with it for one evening.

If my baby cried for no reason and with no let up for weeks on end, or even days, then yes, but the OP's DH left it to cry when it had only been a few hours! That's not the end of his tether, that's "i can't be arsed"

valiumredhead Mon 28-Jan-13 14:11:23

I think 4 months is too young to be left to CIO.

13Iggis Mon 28-Jan-13 14:09:08

There's a difference though between walking away from a crying baby because you just can't take anymore, and walking away because you can't think what else to try and anyway that programme you like is about to start. We don't really know which of these sums up the OP's DH on that night. Her other comments suggest to me that she thought he just couldn't be bothered.

Aman1975 Mon 28-Jan-13 09:52:54

I've got 2 DCs and did all my share of changing, night feeds etc. The one thing I couldn't deal with was when they cried and cried and nothing could calm them, the noise became like knitting needles being forced into my brain through my ears. I had to leave them, at that point it was the only option.
If OPs DH doesn't help out, as in the shower incident, regularly then he is just being lazy and pathetic.
The best thing for my DCs was to be left. The alternative was unthinkable. Greensleeves you must have the patience of a saint. Cut those of us who don't some slack please.

sudaname Sun 27-Jan-13 23:21:48

grin @ zookeeper

So you decide that a huge percentage of parents out there, on here or whatever are or were 'bad' 'slovenly' 'lazy' and now you've added 'cruel' and 'stupid' parents.

All based on what , scientific evidence - no, any form of concrete evidence - no. Maybe there's such a thing as a baby whisperer that l'm unaware of - who claims to have settled this once and for all.

You're arrogance is breathtaking.

Yet you cant see why l am affronted for myself and other parents (and you so have made it personal to me - nice try to blame me for the personalisation btw).

You even claim to know why your remarks upset me (as if being unjustly categorised as a bad parent isnt affrontry enough for anyone) - it's apparently some deep down psychological reason that no doubt means deep down l know l deserve these comments.


13Iggis Sun 27-Jan-13 13:05:52

McNewpants, the DH had a telephone interview that meant he wanted to stay at home.

McNewPants2013 Sun 27-Jan-13 12:57:06

I would have stay at home with the baby and DH would have taken the older child.

zookeeper Sun 27-Jan-13 12:47:32

I feel your pain sudaname. smile

Birdsgottafly Sun 27-Jan-13 00:38:20

Via my work that is, i see lots of different parenting styles and have to be up to date on the research/statistics.

Birdsgottafly Sun 27-Jan-13 00:36:42

I have read the whole thread.

I think maybe he was at the end of his tether. Not the most patient person sadly

The advice to any parent in that senario, is to put the baby somewhere safe and walk out of the room.

He couldn't have comforted her, she wanted to be put on the breast. She would have been under similar stress being left as not having the response she needed, whilst being held.

You do need to discuss how you both feel and reach a comprimise that won't impact of your relationship, or put DD at any risk.

You cannot force him to parent in a way that he isn't capable of,i know Mums, who tell me that "they don't do clingy baby's" and leave them to cry it out.

Greensleeves Sat 26-Jan-13 23:11:26

The thing is, though, I DO have the right to say that leaving a 4mo to cry alone is slovenly and lazy parenting. And you have to put up with it. That's the internet for you.

If you choose to personalise it, then maybe you should be thinking about why my general comments rankle with you so much. Meanwhile, I will continue to assert that "cry it out" is cruel and stupid, and crueller and stupider the younger the baby it is inflicted on.

sudaname Sat 26-Jan-13 22:49:09

Yes you can say what you like within MN boundaries obviously. Doesnt mean to say it's up to you to decide who is right and who is wrong and then go on to slander anyone elses parenting skills as 'slovenly' or 'poor' who doesnt agree with your view.
Especialy as the jury is still out on this issue and possibly will be for generations to come. The smoking analogy is different as there is concrete proof that secondary smoking is detrimental to the incidental 'smoker' and therefore very obviously more so a baby.
You then make it personal to me with your nasty little sarcasm that l must think l could never make a mistake.
I genuinely never said or implied any such thing'
Some of your posts were very much personal swipes at me, l think you will find you do not have 'the right' to do that.

city1984 Sat 26-Jan-13 22:22:11

But you went for a shower and left your child to cry... why is he in the wrong for that one? Maybe he didnt hear the child cry?

Baby wasn't crying when i went into shower. She was happy and safe. I ended up tending to baby as soon as i came out of shower . She was crying for maybe 5 minutes if that.
Still waiting to find out if he heard as still not home.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 26-Jan-13 20:27:26

I would be livid. There is no reason to leave a four month old crying in their cot.

coraltoes Sat 26-Jan-13 20:27:05

Op, he needs to pull his weight with your dd, and ensure she is tended to when needed. Speak to him.

I am an advocate of teaching to self soothe but I don't agree it is done by leaving a 4mo to cry to sleep

Emilythornesbff Sat 26-Jan-13 20:25:17

OMG my spelling. Blame iPad.

Greensleeves Sat 26-Jan-13 20:22:43

The smoking is a good analogy emily. A specific child (or even two or three) showing no signs of harm is not evidence that a practice is harmless. But most people know that I think.

Of course I "have the right" to post that your choice was the wrong one. This is a discussion forum. You think leaving a little baby alone to cry it out is fine. I think it's appalling. We both have the right to post. If you find it uncomfortable reading, that's really just tough. I don't have the right, as you say, to call you a bad parent. But since I did no such thing, there's n problem there either.

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