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To think hubby should help more with children

(34 Posts)
brummiegirl1 Sat 26-Jan-13 09:36:23

My husband has 2 jobs while i am on maternity leave. I expect to do the majority of things at home but I feel resentful at the moment as i feel i dont get a break from the children. If i describe my day then please tell me what you think as i dont want to argue with hubby but cant help the resentfulness i feel.

I come downstairs and the majority of the time i have to tidy the kitchen from husband getting ready for work like washing up and wiping work tops down and putting things away like juice etc.
I get both boys up in morning dressed fed etc. entertain them, do all the washing and putting dry clothes away. I also try and do as much housework in day as i can. I always find hubbys clothes around the house and keep telling him i wont wash them if he doesnt get them to the laundry basket but always do as i cant stand looking at it on the floor he is so untidY. Always leaving drawers open.

I cook dinner every night which gets on my nerves as hubby used to cook more than he does now, i also cook baby's food and feed baby i eat my dinner while feeding baby while hubby is at table with toddler. Hubby clears kitchen away while i do bath time and bed time which takes a lot longer than it takes him to wash up. As i have to bath them both then breast feed baby while toddler plays put baby down in cot and try to settle toddler who never wants to go to sleep.

Husband then usually comes up to have a shower ready for work in the morning.

I then have my evening around 8.00.

Go to bed about 11ish then breastfeed baby then go to bed. Husband moans when i say im to tired for sex to be fair to him he is not that demanding of it but does comment.

Baby wakes up about 230ish so i feed baby again, last night toddler woke up which woke baby up, husband settled toddler down and i sorted baby then baby woke at 4.30 and has been awake ever since so last night was an especially bad night which is probably why im fed up and posting on here. I have had a row with hubby who thinks im over reacting but i said to him that im fed up of doing the lot.

To be fair i am breast feeding so hubby cant feed but i could probably count on one hand how many nappy changes he has done on baby although he is a little better with toddler and some nights he brings baby to me so i can feed but most of the time its all me.

I have also never had one night since baby has been born where i could give hubby a bottle of expressed milk or where i havent had to listen out for baby so feel i can never fully relax when i go to bed, im starting to dread bed time. I have asked him to give me one night every now and agaain, im not even asing for every week but he says he has to get up for work. I understand that but i dont want this to seem like im running him down but his one job is quite easy going as i have done it as we met at work. He goes in at 9 and finishes at 4.15 with a dinner and 2, 20 minute breaks. His other job which he does on a casual basis can be more difficult as he works with challenging children. I am greatful of his work and i dont want it to sound like im not.

We only have a 2 bed so that is probably why im feeling it more as just put baby in his cot from his moses so is sharing a room with toddler.

Please dont think im running hubby down but feel i wantn other peoples opinions on what to do as at my wits end.

Sorry im waffling on, it is longer than i expected! If i had enough sleep i dont think things would look half as bad x

brummiegirl1 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:19:14

Thanks again for replies. I can think more rationally today as was having a bad day when i posted the other day. I have been thinking alot about this and what i want from my husband. He does do housework and washing up but i think a major downside is his untidyness especially when i feel in the day i have been racing round sorting house out and when he gets home it doesn't last and then the next day i start again. This really gets me down, i know he means well as he says he gets ready downstairs in the morning so he dont wake baby up but he leaves his night clothes sometimes in the middle of the lounge!

I expect to tidy round after the children although my toddler loves to help at the moment! Passing phase maybe! but i don't expect to pick up after my husband. I even had a chat with him and said to him as im at home at the moment then i expect to do the majority of things in the home but not to pick up after you, i dont mind if now and again you are in a hurry and i tidy up kitchen for example now and again but not as the norm.

I think another problem is i do nearly everything with the children from the minute they wake up to going to bed and then in the night too and even though im not going out to work as such i still have to get up with toddler and he doesnt sleep in day which is a good thing as he wouldnt settle at night.

I am grateful to my husband getting up with toddler in night on the rare occasions he wakes and i know we are lucky that toddler is a good sleeper usually. I know the main issue here is tiredness and things wont seem half as bad when baby sleeps through

Yfronts Sun 27-Jan-13 19:43:16

ASk your DH to cook on the days he doesn't work.

Yfronts Sun 27-Jan-13 19:42:37

I had exactly the same thing and my DH did Friday and Saturday night regularly for me. He commutes a long way and is away 6am till 8.30pm week days but still managed to support me.

I think you definitely need some proper sleep to feel better. Sleep will make the world of difference. 9 till 4 is a very short day work wise. Between 4 and bedtime, all the jobs should be shared equally.

Can you just give the baby a bit of what you are eating? Also shove all your DH's items in a heap/box in each room. And ignore. He shouldn't be leaving his stuff everywhere.

SimplyRedHead Sun 27-Jan-13 19:14:26

I certainly wouldn't bother making special food for a toddler (or baby). As others has said, just make sure your food is healthy and then share it.

It's important that children get used to having 'family food' anyway. I've got a brilliant cook book which shows different recipes which are tasty for adults, but also great for kids. It normally involves cooking one big thing and then taking out the kids portions and adding something extra for the adults, like chilli for example. It's called 'The baby and toddler cookbook and meal planner' by Sara Lewis.

Cutting out all that extra cooking would save time and effort. What about making some big dishes like casseroles or mince and then freezing them in portions so you don't have to cook every night?

JumpingJackSprat Sat 26-Jan-13 17:05:30

i think youre portaying your husband as not doing much but he is working sometimes 7 days a week then comes home, does some housework as per your previous post and also gets up with the toddler in the night. i ask again what are you expecting him to do more of? i agree he needs to pick up after himself but aside from that it doesnt sound like he refuses to lift a finger. he may be feeling like you do and feeling like he needs a break too. maybe you should just talk to him about it.

dreamingbohemian Sat 26-Jan-13 11:33:22

This might sound stupid but -- do you have a wall calendar that you both use? Could you block out some times for yourself on there? Either a night to sleep, if he isn't working the next day, or an afternoon or evening out for yourself?

If you ask him at the end of the day when he's already tired, if he can do the nighttime so you can sleep, he's more likely to be grumpy about it, whereas if he knows all week that he's doing Saturday nighttime he can be prepared for it and hopefully will just get on with it.

Also, what is he doing between 4.30 and 8? Is he helping with the kids, why isn't he cooking more? Is he taking time for himself, even though you don't get to?

DoJo Sat 26-Jan-13 11:08:31

AT night - doh!

DoJo Sat 26-Jan-13 11:08:11

Point out to your husband that if he got up to settle the baby a night, it would help with night weaning and increase the chances for both of you to sleep.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sat 26-Jan-13 10:49:57

I've got an 11 month old who still sometimes wakes for a feed, he's only just starting sleeping through so don't beat yourself up that your 7 month old is still waking as at that age my LO was waking every night.

Don't forget that they get all their calories from milk, it's a myth that to start with food fills them up. What would fill you up, carrot or milk?

It is exhausting though, I know. Plus with teething thrown in the mix it's hard work.

I know what you mean about your H being messy, mine has a habit of leaving his breakfast stuff on the side and I hone about his floordrobe. But why should I have to tidy it up? The arguement is that you don't, but then it sits there permanently.

Do you have to bath them every night? I would pild up your H's stuff and dump them on his side of the bed. It spy fa like you don't get any time together either. Can you get a baby sitter and have a night off if you express? Or have an evening out just you and leave your H to it.

I do get it, life with a baby is a constant of feeding, clearing up, feeding etc etc. You can't do everything, and you shouldn't have to. It's hard to find your own identity when you're a Mum.

brummiegirl1 Sat 26-Jan-13 10:49:23

Thanks alot for all your suggestions, they really are helpful as its good to see what other people do so i can see what i can change for the better myself

dreamingbohemian Sat 26-Jan-13 10:35:05

I think it's fair to ask him to be more tidy, but at the same time with two young children I don't think you should have overly high expectations. It is the nature of housework to not last very long! Obviously your DH should be reasonable, but I think you might give yourself a lot of stress if you want the house to look nice all the time.

Maybe you could prioritise certain areas, like the kitchen and lounge? Ask your DH to at least make more of an effort there, as that's where you spend most of your time.

Definitely re-think your food routine, don't make too much work for yourself. If you are worried about salt, leave it out of your food too, it's not good for adults to have too much salt either (although cutting out salt entirely isn't good either).

Can your DH drop his second job if you go back to work? If so, then I would think about doing that in the near future, just so you can get a bit of balance back, so he can help more around the house, which will be good for you too. I think it's a great idea to set up your own business but I would maybe wait until you are both less exhausted.

Cluffyfunt Sat 26-Jan-13 10:23:57

I would say he needs to tidy up after himself and get your older dc to bed.
I don't think a bath every night is needed but otoh a bath can be a good part of a bedtime routine. If that is the case,then keep the nightly bath but take turns with dh (when he's there) and you do the washing up.
I take turns with bathing my dc with dh (he never remembers the fucking towls though!) and it doesn't seem such an onslaught now it's broken up.

Tiredness is a total shite and can Lead to petty nuclear rows ime so it's important to support each other and keep in mind that you do actually like one another grin

brummiegirl1 Sat 26-Jan-13 10:19:39

My toddler is going to nursery in September as he is 3 in August. I use the Annabel Karmel book for the baby's food so probably making more work than necessary for myself. It might sound stupid but im worried about salt in food for baby and although i dont cook with salt i worry whats naturally in food. It would be better though if baby ate what we do so i think i might look at what we are eating and do the same for everyone.

brummiegirl1 Sat 26-Jan-13 10:14:14

Sorry forgot to add im not sure about going back to my old job as pay not great and would probably just pay childcare but i am qualified in beauty and massage therapy so was thinking of trying to set up on my own as a holistic therapist and work aroung the children at least im going to give it a try.

brummiegirl1 Sat 26-Jan-13 10:12:17

When i go to bed after feeding baby(he is 7 months btw) and hubby says we never have sex i tell him im wasting valuable sleep time! I would love to drop the 2.30 feed but he wakes up crying and the only thing that settles him is a feed, he will go to sleep himself if i pput him down to sleep after a feed. He doesnt always wake at that time but it only once in a blue moon that he sleeps through, not sure what im doing wrong. He is on 3 meals a day now. Could it be habit?

I agree that if he was tidier that would help alot! Think that is half the problem as i like to tidy the house so it looks nice and as soon as hubby gets home it doesnt last and i just think i have been doing this all day and whats the point! He is aware and he said he will be tidier but i think that is a work in progress!

SimplyRedHead Sat 26-Jan-13 10:11:17

You sound run ragged!

Do you need to cook separate food for baby? Could he/she have some of what you're having (either mushed up or as finger food)?

I do 'count to ten baths' which is basically chuck kids in the bath, they wash themselves as quickly as possible while we all do really over dramatic counting to ten in silly voices and then they jump out! I always do a daily bath but that's because they both use the loo themselves and I don't trust them to always wipe/wash hands properly. They wash hair about every three days / when we have time / when I can be bothered.

I'm still getting up most nights with a three year old so I share your lack of sleep pain. There is a reason they use it when interrogating war criminals: it breaks your soul!

How would you feel about making either the 11pm or 2.30am feed a bottle feed? Hubby will just have to do it. Sellotape yourself to the bed and refuse to get out. Or drop the 2.30 feed - it'll take time but it will make all the difference.

Hang on in there - this is the hardest bit - it does get better!

greenpostit Sat 26-Jan-13 10:10:34

Agree bath not necessary - work for no gain. I'd cut that down to 2 x per week.

Really, life is stressful with a baby and toddler and it is a stage you have to get through as best you can. Sounds like you are both under strain. I remember when mine were those ages - things get considerably easier so always bear this in mind.

How old is toddler? If nearly 3, it will be good for everyone if toddler goes to nursery/preschool for the funded hours. This should lighten the load a bit.

YorkshireDeb Sat 26-Jan-13 10:10:23

Are you me? The only tip I can offer is try to switch off from the mess he leaves on the floor & just leave it there. Other than that, I feel like once I'm back at work he'll have to pull his weight a lot more but for now I'm home all day so I do it. X

marriedinwhite Sat 26-Jan-13 10:09:34

His untidiness would be a problem for me but I don't think the balance is skewed otherwise.

brummiegirl1 Sat 26-Jan-13 10:04:34

In the week which is his main job he is out of the house from 8-4.30 and until 3.45 on a friday. At the weekend when he is working he is out of the house depending on what shift he is on from 7-3 or 2.30 until 10 that includes work and travel time.

I think it is mainly tiredness and his untidyness as when i tidy up i get fed up when it doesnt last and i start the next day doing exactly what i did the day before. I think it would help if he cleaned his mess before work so i dont have to face that in the morning, sometimes he does but majority of time does not and when i ask him about it he says he was in a rush but i say he has had a night sleep so why not get up a bit earlier. He tells me he is tired which is a red rag to a bull with me! Ha!Ha!

Narrowing it down i think i would like him to be tidier and just do a little bit more with children and occasionally give me the night off as i say to him that i have to get up as well as toddler wakes early.

We do get on the majority of the time and i think you are right that tiredness is grinding us down.

Pilgit Sat 26-Jan-13 10:01:46

agree with other posts. Also no reason he can't clean the kitchen after himself in the morning. Don't need to bath everyday and could you not alternate them as well so you both get to do it? bath time is a fun job in our house! Baby sounds like he's weaning so 'should' be able to sleep through but I do understand all children are different but he should be getting enough calories during the day. could you look into weaning him off the 2.30 feed so as to give you more sleep? realise easier said than done

I'd point out to the DH that nothing kills love and passion more than fatigue and feeling unsupported. Sometimes the best foreplay really is stepping up in the home. You need to feel appreciated and as part of a partnership not like his mother/maid/childcare provider. How are you going to feel like his wife if he treats you like a servant or his mother? He wants sex? well hw can start by picking up his dirty pants!

MadInfoScientist Sat 26-Jan-13 10:00:03

My DH is helpful, but it did take a lot of discussion and leaving him to it to get him there. When you know your DH has a day off, make plans to do something with a friend outside of the house, so that DH has no choice but to be responsible for a little while. Also, have you sat down to discuss all of this with him? I agree that you need to stop doing laundry if he leaves things lying about. I do think you put him back in charge of cooking as well. It's all about delegating jobs; I agree that a SAHM automatically assumes responsibility for most of the house tasks when DH works outside, but that does not give them an excuse to do absolutely nothing to help.

HappyAsASandboy Sat 26-Jan-13 09:59:43

Sorry, that should say

You absolutely should not have to clear up his stuff!


dreamingbohemian Sat 26-Jan-13 09:56:46

You must both be exhausted.

How old is your baby? Are you going back to work? Could it be you doing the part-time second job? That would put some more balance into things.

YANBU to tell him he shouldn't make extra work for you, like leaving clothes the floor and drawers open.

And why can't you go out in the evening, if the kids are in bed and he's still awake? He shouldn't have any objection to that.

HappyAsASandboy Sat 26-Jan-13 09:54:51

To be honest, I do t think the balance is too far wrong, but you absolutely should have to be clearing up his breakfast things or picking up clothes off the floor. I suspect you'd really feel a difference if he could just do those two things for himself.

It would also be fair for him to cook a couple of times a week, and take responsibility for some of the weekly type tasks - maybe the bins? You could work it out so that he cooks on two nights, does bins on one/two nights, but not the same nights IYSWIM?

I think the holy grail is the two of you having a similar amount of free time. With very young children, I know exactly what you mean about being 'on duty' and so not relaxing in the evenings - maybe one day a week (at the weekend?), your DH could take complete responsibility for both children while you have a long bath, dry your hair etc? That is a life saving chunk of time for me.

I hope you get some balance. The children getting older will improve things too.

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