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to think there must be more than this

(34 Posts)
Samnella Fri 25-Jan-13 23:50:59

I am feeling Sorry for myself and need a moan.

DH works full time and an hours commute away. I work close to home for 32 hours a week so basically just finish a little early on Friday to do the school pick up. Both DCs in before and after school club.

DH is meant to take the DCs to breakfast club but this has started to slip due to him saying he needs to be early. The result is I am doing everything; getting the DCs ready in the morning, rushing like a loon to work, working through lunch, rushing up to school to collect, making dinner, putting washing on, homework, bathing all interspersed with the not listening and fighting and losing shoes, forgetting homework . Etc.

My weekend is spent rushing cleaning and organising. It's me that taxes the car, checks the bank account, buys birthday presents etc.

DH gets home around 8 and does the bare minimum as far as house stuff is concerned. I am just so darn fed up. But I feel trapped. If I reduce my hours I will have to step down, there will be a huge imbalance in the house. DH wants ne to earn more bit less.

Just feel at breaking point.

MrsMeeple Sat 26-Jan-13 07:40:22

I agree it would probably help your negotiations if you could leave him with all your responsibilities and a list of what he's expected to achieve, in the time frame you have to get it all done, for a few days.

If that's not possible, can you write out everything you do and how long it all takes you, where you feel you don't have enough time to do things properly, and how you'd like things to change? If he sees the full list of what you do, and how long it all takes, maybe he will be more understanding?

delboysfileofax Sat 26-Jan-13 06:35:46

Initially I was going to jump to the guys defence and ask whether he was aware how you feel and how skewed the division of labour is. However reading the rest of your post he sounds like a bullying shit.

Is there any way you can book leave at work and take yourself off for a three day break? I didnt realise just quite how hard my partner worked until she went away for a conference. There are just so many balls to juggle and I wasnt even on shift for those days! I dont know how most working mums do it!

Failing that there is plenty of jobs he can do when he gets back from work. Why cant he take the kids out to do the foodshop? Why cant he sort out the household admin when he gets back from work?

Seriously go on strike for a few days. If he doesnt change when you get back then i think you know the answer

Yamyoid Sat 26-Jan-13 06:02:29

He needs to understand that the contributions you make to the family are just as valuable as his financial one. You are not a shit mum, he's a shit dad if he thinks lots of money is more important than the family's happiness.
Hope you can get through to him.

SaraBellumHertz Sat 26-Jan-13 06:00:53

In respect of the question of a nanny, that is only a solution if you want to increase your hours. If you don't it's a cruel suggestion.

It's also not a solve all solution. We have a fabulous nanny but it takes a huge investment of time to get things running smoothly and is not without its additional issues.

SaraBellumHertz Sat 26-Jan-13 05:55:51

I went back to work after 5 years as a SAHM.

I earn 1/3 of what DH does and my job has the flexibility that his doesn't which inevitably means I do hospital and dental appointments, school plays and sports events not to mention the domestic errands: picking up dry cleaning, popping to PO etc etc.

Like you I often feel that I get the stressy end. My hours are PT and arranged so I can do pick up and be there after school. Somedays it is flat out and I wnt him waltzing in at 8 when the DCs are bathed and ready for bed but DH pulls his weight elsewhere:

He is a hopeless cook but will do the food shopping, on a weekend morning more often it is me that gets the lie in, he takes responsibility for the running of the house - sorting out maintenance, organising the cars.

Most importantly he values what I do, my financial contribution and the rest in terms of family life.

I am telling you this not because he is amazing but because this is how it should be and whilst I won't shout leave the bastard his behaviour is dreadful and you shouldn't have to tolerate it.

lollilou Sat 26-Jan-13 05:46:45

You need to sit down and have a frank and not too emotional talk with your dh. Throwing money into the mix and talking of Nannys is not the answer. It sounds to me like you want to be more of a mother not less. Talk if you can, perhaps he feels under pressure as the main breadwinner? (Not excusing his attitude though).
As to the school gates thing find out who are your dcs best friends and invite them for tea/sleepovers then you will be able to make friends with the parents too.

Astelia Sat 26-Jan-13 05:27:52

OP your DH sounds thoughtless bordering on nasty. When we had small children and were both working full time we didn't have a cleaner but what worked for us was:

I kept the bathrooms and kitchen spotless but only did everything else if we were having visitors.
We used
We had one lie-in each at the weekend
DH did the weekend cooking, in the week we all had a decent lunch at work/school so evening meals were cheese/bread/fruit/easy stuff which needed no cooking.
Did reading books in the morning before school/in the car on the way to school when everyone was fresh.
Used a tumbledrier so not much needed ironing, one of us would blitz the ironing every few weeks.
Bedlinen was sent for laundry washing/ironing- collected and returned a week later.

DH wouldn't have dreamed of criticising me for not earning as much as him. He knew I did more of the child care as my hours were shorter and valued my contribution.

Your DH needs to do more and criticise less.

cfc Sat 26-Jan-13 03:28:18

Tell him to start paying you for doing his share of fucking everything. That ought to even things out a little, money-wise...

He'll look back on this part of his life when he's in the sunset of his time on this earth with such regret.

LondonKitty Sat 26-Jan-13 03:12:05

Definitely get a cleaner. You will get used to someone in your house and it is more than worth it. You simply can't work 32 hours AND do the housework.

He's being a jerk. I don't know what your career aspirations are, but if you do want to spend more time at home with the kids, he needs to be told that a high powered career isn't on the cards for you and he needs to get over that. And fundamentally is he saying that he values nice holidays over a stable family and a happy wife and kids?

I do think many men nowadays seem to have this resentment about being the main provider. Yet at the same time, they don't see the need to share household and childcare tasks.

I really sympathise.

Kafri Sat 26-Jan-13 03:08:01

So your H (ill leave the D off that one) thinks you should be earning what he does and that's the only way you'll get respect?

You're feeling sorry for him as he works FT and has an hours commute?

He spends no quality time with the kids he helped create


He wants you to work more and hire someone else to raise your kids?

That about the jist of it...?

1. You're not a bad mother - you're a stretched mother!!
2. He's a poor father - earning money does not make you a good dad
3. He's a poor husband - earning money dies not make a good husband
4. He's a knob!

What sort of example is he setting those kids of yours...

Unacceptable Sat 26-Jan-13 02:51:47

It sounds like you are doing everything.
Absolutely everything.

That isn't a partnership.

What does he actually do other than work? Does he work at the weekend?

Will important things be left undone if you hand them over to him?

VestaCurry Sat 26-Jan-13 02:26:50

YANBU. Your husband is being bullying and undermining. I hope you manage to sort this, be assured it's not normal behaviour in a relationship. Sure, everyone has rows, but he is destroying your confidence. Be proud of what you have achieved, rebuilding a career after being a sahm etc.
He needs to pull his weight, you can't do everything. I don't know how you persuade him on this because he sounds very arrogant and not interested in listening to your point of view,
If you can afford to have a cleaner, you should. You'll soon get over the idea of having a 'stranger' in the house. It will save some of your sanity and stop you burning out.

Mosman Sat 26-Jan-13 02:18:47

So what exactly is his solution to all this ?
I "went for it" career wise and got a nanny who created work for me when I got home in terms of washing up, children paint dried onto to the kitchen table, brushes in the sink etc and unfed children. Now I admit we got a crap one but nobody admits to being bone idol at the job interview do they ?
We ended up dropping balls left right and centre, spent what ever I earnt on quick solutions to stop us falling apart and the children were stressed. I will never do that to them again.
So ask old smarty pants exactly what he will do to arrange the childcare so you can go off and conquer the world. And when you do, save up your money and leave the bastard.

StinkyWicket Sat 26-Jan-13 02:10:30

YANBU OP. Your husband sounds like an utter cock, I couldn't (and wouldn't, as I am working and DH is a SAHD) behave like that.

Samnella Sat 26-Jan-13 01:27:06

Thanks. I see you live up to your name. smileIts good to hear someone else having what sounds like similar issues rather than the LTB comments. I am with him for many reasons and am only showing the worse side. People are many things and I am not stupid. Leaving is an option but not the right one now. I just wanted to know if I was bring reasonable Feeling hard done by.

InsomniaQueen Sat 26-Jan-13 01:21:46

I really feel for you - being at odds with your DH is bloody crap and when your up to your eyes you don't have as much patience as you would like but that doesn't make you a rubbish mother. The fact that your actually thinking about how this will affect your kids shows that you are being a good mother.

I have had a lot of ups and downs with DH this year (mostly downs), we kept having huge fights every time we tried to talk about anything. In the end I gave up and I told him I'd given up - I refused to be the person life was turning me into and either we both change or I would be leaving.

It took a few hours for it to sink in but once he realised I was serious he started to get his head on correctly. I understand that he has a commute and long hours but that doesn't mean that everything you do has no value or that he works harder than you. If you add up the time your at work, taking the kids back and forth, shopping, cleaning, cooking ect I'm certain your hours would be longer than his. I do hope you can find a way to a little bit of calm and some happiness.

apostropheuse Sat 26-Jan-13 01:07:14

YANBU He sounds like a complete and utter arsehole.

Seriously, why are you with him? Do you actually love a man who puts you down like this? What does he bring to your life to enrich it? What would you be losing if he wasn't there?

You're not a shit mother. You're a mother who's under a tremendous amount of pressure and not only do you not have support from your husband, but you have entirely the opposite. He's critical, demanding and basically is eating away at your self-worth bit by bit.

Men like that make me so bloody angry.

Samnella Sat 26-Jan-13 01:05:21

His reasoning is nit entirely wrong. He has no flexibility and commutes so he can't be at the school to pick up. I do have that flexibility so ir falls onto my shoulders. Still feels I have the raw end if the deal though.

AbigailAdams Sat 26-Jan-13 01:04:12

Second BlueyDragon too. You are not a shit mother. You just have a shit husband.

BlueyDragon Sat 26-Jan-13 01:02:46

You are not a shit mother. You are doing two jobs and your DH is doing one but it sounds like your DH doesn't see that. I don't really have any advice to offer - this thread might be better off in Relationships - but YADNBU to have a rant on here, nor to expect your DH to value you more and help out more.

Samnella Sat 26-Jan-13 01:02:23

Pretty ingrained. I organise the finances because he just doesn't bother and he had the audacity to complain how I was spending 'his' money. I told him every penny is accounted for and on the house spending spreadsheet if he could bother to look. Its just so frustrating. I had to change careers after 5 years at a SAHM and felt so lucky to get a part time job (of sorts) but now I feel the sacrifice is too great. I feel so out of it at the school gate what with all the little groups and so out of ir at work because I am not full time and just so tired of doing everything.

AbigailAdams Sat 26-Jan-13 00:59:27

Leave, seriously. He has no respect for you or the amount of work you are doing (or how knackered you must be). This hasn't appeared to have changed despite obviously talking about it.his attitude won't change because it is entrenched. So either you will have to put up with it or be free of it.

MMMarmite Sat 26-Jan-13 00:52:07

So he thinks you're only worthy of respect if the number on your salary is the same as his? That's horrible, shallow, and completely unrealistic - different jobs have different earning potentials, and you've made and are making a huge contribution to family life by doing the childcare and housework that enables him to hold down his job.

I don't know what to advise at all. Do you think there's any way he'll see reason, or is this attitude long term and ingrained?

Einsty Sat 26-Jan-13 00:41:49

Sorry: for what works for a family. Certainly he is a leech who is taking advantage of the fact you are doing everything

Einsty Sat 26-Jan-13 00:40:28

What a dick. He seems to have no appreciation for what really makes life work for a fam

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