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to be so upset about wedding plans

(79 Posts)
ihateconflict Fri 25-Jan-13 20:57:21

DS got engaged last weekend, and he and fiance have set heart on a May wedding next year. They asked DD to be bridesmaid. However, DD is on a work placement in australia for 8 weeks, which includes the whole of may, which cant be changed. DS feels it is his wedding, hence he should choose the day. DD wants and needs to do this placement as it is the culmination of 5 years of training, and is an essential part of qualifying. I feel that DS should have his wedding either before she goes, or when she returns, as they have not yet decided the exact date. DH says both have to make their choice. The thought of not having my DD at the wedding reduces me to tears, she will be devastated, as will the rest of the family. I might add that we are not a family who have ever argued, and have always managed to do things considering others thoughts and feelings. It seems my only solution is to pay for DD to return for the wedding, but i really cant afford the £1000 airfare, although i would do anything to have my family together.

Pandemoniaa Sat 26-Jan-13 14:53:12

There's an awful lot of over-emotive language here surely? Devastation, resentment, setting hearts on etc.

Personally I'd step away from the situation a little and let your ds, his df and your dd to sort things. They are adults.

I don't want to sound harsh but do have experience of my dcs planning their weddings and I know that they wouldn't want me hovering around getting devastated on their behalf. Both ds1 & 2 are engaged. Each brother will be best man at their respective weddings. Ds2 waited till ds1 returned from 18 months abroad to start thinking about dates. Ds1 will either be getting married in the US or the UK. Both options have some complications attached. However they will sort these out themselves and neither will get married without the other as best man.

Clearly your dd needs to do her placement in Australia. Your ds and his df need to factor this in. Or not. Whatever is decided is their choice and they accept the consequences.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes Sat 26-Jan-13 14:38:46

I think the bride and groom should take into account the availability of close relatives when booking weddings, but if there are compelling reasons why they cannot find a date that suits everyone they just need to go ahead and accept that people cannot come. There was a thread recently where people were suggesting that people ought to cancel already booked and paid for holidays to go to a wedding, which seems crazy to me, it's only one day, it is the marriage that is the important thing.

cheeseandchive Sat 26-Jan-13 14:35:05

It's a shame DS and gf don't seem to want to work around things, especially if there's no specific reason to get married in May. However, as difficult as it might be for you, I think you need to let them make their own decision and not get involved with regards to DD's air-fare or the opinions/feelings of the wider family. DS and gf are becoming their own family unit and they need space to figure out what's important to them and make their own decisions about how they relate to the rest of your family, both DD and beyond. It's totally fine and understandable to have your own hopes for the wedding, and even to share them with DS, but you need to let them go through their own decision process and make their minds up together.

As for
i cant help feeling i will harbour some anger and resentment towards them, and it will definaty lessen my enjoyment of the wedding and the preparations for the day, and I seriously feel that it would spoil my relationship with DS fiance
you're an adult and that's your decision, it might be tough for you but it doesn't give you carte blanche to let the relationship spoil because they don't do what you want. My family are very close and I was adamant about certain things on my wedding day that some of my family were strongly against. They expressed their feelings clearly, and DH and I talked it through and gave it a lot of thought. In the end, I couldn't bear the thought of a wedding day I did for everyone else and really believed in the way I wanted to do things, so did it my way, and everyone loved it. And the thing I respected most about those family members was, once we had made our decision, they threw themselves into supporting our wedding and making it the way we wanted it to be, and I never heard another word about it.

ClumsyClumberson Sat 26-Jan-13 10:57:37

My sister got married when I was in Australia. I couldn't come back for it. It's not been a big deal to either of us. Given the date hasn't even been booked, and they only got engaged last week, it's a load of fuss over nothing.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 26-Jan-13 10:35:26

OP... find the song that goes something like this "when you marry in June, you'll always be a bride", it's on "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers", see if that can persuade her, don't bother with your son with this tactic.

That's assuming of course that June would be any good with your daughter's work placement timing?

I think if there isn't a compelling reason for setting the date in May then your son and fiance are being a bit precious; it's a wedding, one day, it's afterwards that holds all the meaning.

You're not being unreasonable, not a bit. It sounds like 'exerting authority' and a little skirmish between sibling(s) and fiance, albeit very low key.

I wouldn't entertain the idea of paying the airfare to get your daughter back home. I would explain that it is for son and fiance to have consideration for family members and their attendance.

DontmindifIdo Sat 26-Jan-13 10:32:39

Well, if they now know when your DD will be away and have said she won't be able to come back, your DS can then look again at his plans. could you perhaps smooth the path a little by saying if he wanted (make it clear it's only if he and his DP wants too!) move the wedding date to when your DD can be there, but that puts it during the easter or summer holidays which will be more expensive, you'll pay the difference in venue hire etc but that it's entirely their choice and you're not pushing...

If htey've only just announced their engagement, they might also find that May is a popular month so they might not be able to get the venue they want in May anyway...

ImperialBlether Sat 26-Jan-13 10:27:46

I agree with Rebecca, wouldn't it make more sense for your daughter to phone her brother and say, "Oy, don't forget I'm away for 8 weeks, will you?"

specialsubject Sat 26-Jan-13 10:27:35

it's a fancy dress party and it sounds like a lot of growing up is needed all round. It is not 'devastating' if someone is not at a party. It is devastating if someone dies. Get a grip and stop blubbering.

If DS wants DD there, he picks a date when she is not on the other side of the planet. It's not rocket science. She does not stuff up an important work assignment by returning in the middle.

it could piss it down with rain and be cold on a day in May. Or not.

2rebecca Sat 26-Jan-13 10:20:25

A family argument over dinner, great. That will put them off going round for dinner again. Extended family meals should be enjoyable, not places to bring up issues. The OP doesn't need to be involved in this discussion, it makes more sense for the daughter just to phone up or visit her brother to discuss things.

HildaOgden Sat 26-Jan-13 10:14:49

I'd just invite them all to a family dinner now,(including Fiancee)bring up the wedding.Ask the couple have they a definite date,if they say May then ask DD will she be there.

Then sit back and let them sort it amongst themselves.They are both adults.The worst thing you can do as a parent is to 'side' with one childs wishes against the other.It always results in one child feeling second best,and that's what would cause damage.

wigglesrock Sat 26-Jan-13 06:21:23

But its not just a few weeks is it? I thought your daughter was away for 8 weeks including May - so she's away April & May or May & June. So if your son wants to get married in May there's the possibility that it might be nearer July. Apologies if I've missed the actual months.

You are asking a bride and groom to rearrange their wedding to suit your other child. Maybe they have another reason they want to get married in May, maybe it suits re the honeymoon/leave from work.

Chances are it won't be May, but I too have seen first hand grin these kind of "discussions" go very wrong and regardless of a final decision there is a resentment left and a slight seething that one member of the familys attendance is worth more than the decision of the actual people getting married.

lyndie Sat 26-Jan-13 05:56:06

Is it a medical elective then? If so its not essential to her training, she could do it anywhere, even in the UK. Yes she's organised it and it would be a shame to miss out, but it's not essential. Also they are notoriously flexible ie working for 4 weeks, travelling for 4........

saffronwblue Sat 26-Jan-13 05:48:37

They are adults. Old enough for DS to be getting married and for DD to have professional commitments in another country.
Their options are to change the date of the wedding or for DD not to go. Try to step back and let them sort it out. The facts are very black and white- I don't think you should fly DD back to make up for adults who cannot manage their diaries.

Astelia Sat 26-Jan-13 04:55:38

My brother missed my wedding as he had a race to be in. He now jets round the world to friends' weddings. Every time I hear about it it makes me remember how he couldn't be bothered to come to mine.

So YANBU and I would feel extremely upset if one of my DDs arranged her wedding when her sister couldn't be there. I certainly wouldn't be paying for any of it.

Lavenderhoney Sat 26-Jan-13 04:24:22

They sound old enough to work it out between themselves? Do your dc still need mum to mediate and talk for them? If your dd talks to you and your ds talks to you and nt to each other you should give them the others phone number and tell them to sort it out! And you will support the outcome but not offering flights etc- leave your dd to do her course in peace or say great if they change the date. Whatever happens stay out of it! You will look interfering otherwise IMO. Don't cause a power struggle about the date...

It's their wedding- if dd misses it then you can hold a big family party when she is back and they are back from honeymoon for everyone to get together. It's next year anyway, agree that venues/ other arrangements might cause a change. Or not. But your adult children will have discussed so you will have to go along happily with whatever they decide. I am dreading this day myselfsmile

deleted203 Sat 26-Jan-13 04:14:13

I think I agree with saying to DS 'Are you really going to have your wedding on a date when you know DD is out of the country? She will be devastated at having to miss it. Is it vital that you hold it in May?' I would point out to him that you would be upset, as would wider members of the family and gently suggest to him that it would be a shame if his wedding was overshadowed by feelings of regret that his sister was not there. Presumably he and his fiancee want the whole day to be perfect - and this would certainly ensure that it wasn't.

Unacceptable Sat 26-Jan-13 04:09:46

wilsonFrickett was spot on last weekend they got engaged.
This is major early on in the planning. Give it time.
If they asked sister to be Bridesmaid, chances are they'd really like her to be a bridesmaid.

ihateconflict Are you so worried about falling out with your son and future DIL that you are maybe jumping the gun and thinking this is where your first fall out will be?? Sometimes you can be so worried about what might happen that you get into knots and inadvertently 'create' an issue that was never really there.

Leave them be and stop worrying for now. My wedding was nothing like I'd first imagined once the engagement buzz had worn off and I'd started properly planning .

FellatioNels0n Sat 26-Jan-13 04:04:35

When I announced my wedding and we booked our honeymoon my sil lived abroad and could not get home until a couple of weeks after the planned wedding date. We both really wanted her there so I changed the date of my wedding, which meant that I had to go on my honeymoon first and got married a week after I got back. grin

It was small wedding and it didn't cost me any money or stress to change my plans. Plus I had a nice tan in the pictures. grin

FellatioNels0n Sat 26-Jan-13 04:00:33

I can completely see why you feel so upset and frustrated and I think you DS and his fiance are being rather unreasonable and selfish about it, to be honest. I know it's their choice, they shouldn't have to bow down to others etc etc, but it really wouldn't be that difficult to shift it a few weeks either way would it? It's not as though it is going to cause any upheaval at this early stage as nothing is booked or paid for. Especially as they've asked her to be a bridesmaid they clearly want her to be there. I think it's a bit of an odd thing to do.

It's not the end of the world, but it is so easily avoided I don't really understand why they are prepared to upset and disappoint close family members over it.

flyingspaghettimonster Sat 26-Jan-13 03:46:12

One of my sisters missed my wedding - at the time it didn't matter too much, but ever since it has been a big disappointment both to her and to the rest of us, whenever we reminisce about the wedding and she has to remind us she wasn't there. She was on a gap year and couldn't get back until a few days later :-( We didn't have a choice when to marry as it had to be done in time for us to get visas.

TheSmallerPenguin Sat 26-Jan-13 01:54:22

Don't even think about planning for her to come back. Once she gets there she really won't want to, and the jet lag would be horrendous. Actually I'm sure they would let her - during my elective in Australia I spent vastly more time seeing the country than in the hospital, totally with their blessing. I loved it grin. But that's not the point.
Just state the facts and then take a step back. If they go ahead, you will have a great time at the wedding and DD will be very happy in Aus and will barely give them a thought. And that's not a bad thing smile

ihateconflict Sat 26-Jan-13 01:28:01

maybe i am over-reacting.......actually i havent said anything to him, other than to say DD is away on elective and she would be dissapointed to miss being bridesmaid, but this was said in a factual rather than emotional way. I have a dread of being the MIL from hell, having had one myself!!!! hence i never interfere in their lives. We all get on so fantastically well as a family, we love fiance, DD and fiance get on brilliantly, DS and DD get on great, i think i am wanting to protect DD as she was so excited about it all, and she is now so hurt that she may be missing it. All our family were delighted at their news, and looking forward to celebrating it with them, i feel sad that a key family member may be missing on the day,
PS it may not seem it, but i am actually very rational, level headed, and not given to histrionics!!!!!!

StuntGirl Sat 26-Jan-13 00:48:37

Good god woman, are you serious? What a palaver.

Just to remind you in case you'd forgotten; this is neither your nor your daughter's wedding. You don't get that much (if any) of a say in it!

Morloth Sat 26-Jan-13 00:20:23

Devestated? Really? Over a wedding? I think you need a dictionary. You are a bit upset, anything more is histronics.

Geez, this actually isn't your business.

If they decide they want a May wedding and your DD can't be there, then that is unfortunate but it happens some times.

Your DD should go on her work placement, of course she should. She could let her brother know that she won't be able to make a wedding during these times.

It really isn't a big deal. If there is resentment because of it, then everybody involved needs their heads examined.

What an overreaction to a scheduling clash.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Sat 26-Jan-13 00:10:39

I would keep out of it and leave it to you DS to sort out. He knows what you think, you don't need to say anything more.

Your DD has to be away and your DS and soon to be DDIL know this. It is up to them to choose the date. Does it really matter if your DD isn't there? You can do something special when she comes home. I suspect that the rest ofthe family won't mind half as much as you do. I am sure they would like DD to be there but they they would understand.
Being 'upset' with you soon to be DDIL before she is even married to your son does not bode well. sad

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