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to be so upset about wedding plans

(79 Posts)
ihateconflict Fri 25-Jan-13 20:57:21

DS got engaged last weekend, and he and fiance have set heart on a May wedding next year. They asked DD to be bridesmaid. However, DD is on a work placement in australia for 8 weeks, which includes the whole of may, which cant be changed. DS feels it is his wedding, hence he should choose the day. DD wants and needs to do this placement as it is the culmination of 5 years of training, and is an essential part of qualifying. I feel that DS should have his wedding either before she goes, or when she returns, as they have not yet decided the exact date. DH says both have to make their choice. The thought of not having my DD at the wedding reduces me to tears, she will be devastated, as will the rest of the family. I might add that we are not a family who have ever argued, and have always managed to do things considering others thoughts and feelings. It seems my only solution is to pay for DD to return for the wedding, but i really cant afford the £1000 airfare, although i would do anything to have my family together.

ClumsyClumberson Sat 26-Jan-13 10:57:37

My sister got married when I was in Australia. I couldn't come back for it. It's not been a big deal to either of us. Given the date hasn't even been booked, and they only got engaged last week, it's a load of fuss over nothing.

cheeseandchive Sat 26-Jan-13 14:35:05

It's a shame DS and gf don't seem to want to work around things, especially if there's no specific reason to get married in May. However, as difficult as it might be for you, I think you need to let them make their own decision and not get involved with regards to DD's air-fare or the opinions/feelings of the wider family. DS and gf are becoming their own family unit and they need space to figure out what's important to them and make their own decisions about how they relate to the rest of your family, both DD and beyond. It's totally fine and understandable to have your own hopes for the wedding, and even to share them with DS, but you need to let them go through their own decision process and make their minds up together.

As for
i cant help feeling i will harbour some anger and resentment towards them, and it will definaty lessen my enjoyment of the wedding and the preparations for the day, and I seriously feel that it would spoil my relationship with DS fiance
you're an adult and that's your decision, it might be tough for you but it doesn't give you carte blanche to let the relationship spoil because they don't do what you want. My family are very close and I was adamant about certain things on my wedding day that some of my family were strongly against. They expressed their feelings clearly, and DH and I talked it through and gave it a lot of thought. In the end, I couldn't bear the thought of a wedding day I did for everyone else and really believed in the way I wanted to do things, so did it my way, and everyone loved it. And the thing I respected most about those family members was, once we had made our decision, they threw themselves into supporting our wedding and making it the way we wanted it to be, and I never heard another word about it.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes Sat 26-Jan-13 14:38:46

I think the bride and groom should take into account the availability of close relatives when booking weddings, but if there are compelling reasons why they cannot find a date that suits everyone they just need to go ahead and accept that people cannot come. There was a thread recently where people were suggesting that people ought to cancel already booked and paid for holidays to go to a wedding, which seems crazy to me, it's only one day, it is the marriage that is the important thing.

Pandemoniaa Sat 26-Jan-13 14:53:12

There's an awful lot of over-emotive language here surely? Devastation, resentment, setting hearts on etc.

Personally I'd step away from the situation a little and let your ds, his df and your dd to sort things. They are adults.

I don't want to sound harsh but do have experience of my dcs planning their weddings and I know that they wouldn't want me hovering around getting devastated on their behalf. Both ds1 & 2 are engaged. Each brother will be best man at their respective weddings. Ds2 waited till ds1 returned from 18 months abroad to start thinking about dates. Ds1 will either be getting married in the US or the UK. Both options have some complications attached. However they will sort these out themselves and neither will get married without the other as best man.

Clearly your dd needs to do her placement in Australia. Your ds and his df need to factor this in. Or not. Whatever is decided is their choice and they accept the consequences.

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