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"Im your mother, there is nothing that could make me stop loving you" ....

(86 Posts)
HollyBerryBush Fri 25-Jan-13 20:47:31

...a line on one of those god awful Cartoon Network cartoons.

It made me think, is there anything that could stop you loving your child?

Mass murderer? serial killer? Would you still love them? visit them in prison? Drug addict? thief? consumate liar? killing a sibling?

Is there anything that would be the final line and no going back in your relationship with your child?

AIBU to ask what your deal breaker would be?

Altinkum Fri 25-Jan-13 21:46:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BridgetBidet Fri 25-Jan-13 21:46:30

I hate to say it but the kind of children who have mothers with that sort of attitude probably wouldn't turn out to be mass murderers or anything really horrible.

I would hazard a guess an awful lot of those who do are the ones who have mothers who don't really love them at all.

Or alternatively like Levi Bellfield have weird smothery worshipping relationships that fuck them up just as much.

MrsKoala Fri 25-Jan-13 21:46:48

dh's mum does not love her 2 daughters from her previous marriage, she can only love dh, so has disowned them. she doesn't like girls.

MariusEarlobe Fri 25-Jan-13 21:48:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing Fri 25-Jan-13 21:48:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Altinkum Fri 25-Jan-13 21:49:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheCazzo Fri 25-Jan-13 21:50:18

I think that is a daft question to ask. Who on earth could even consider not loving their children

Have to say that I think what you've said there is pretty daft. It does happen. It can happen. Just because we can't imagine it doesn't mean it's impossible and I think it's not a bad thing to discuss it.

My mother doesn't love me. There is nothing my kids could do that would stop me loving them. If they did something horrendus in future years I would feel it was down to my parenting (that would be my view about myself and my children, no reflection on how I feel about anyone elses circumstances)

achillea Fri 25-Jan-13 21:54:26

I think in order to 'disengage and leave' your child (as you would, say, an abusive partner) you would have to put yourself through extraordinary pain and loss, so whatever the stakes it is unlikely that you would be able to NOT love your child because it would be too painful for you. A self-defence mechanism kicks in that makes it impossible to not love your child.

ColgateIsBest Fri 25-Jan-13 21:56:34

I think I could disown them if they did something truly awful because this has happened in my family (child sex offenses) but I think, from watching family, that you can continue to love them whilst rejecting them because of their choices and actions. It causes serious issues in families though.

Corygal Fri 25-Jan-13 21:57:08

People who get their children taken into care still love them, but sometimes they don't want to bring them up. Failed adoptions ditto.

I think love is too baggy a word to cover the bond in every parent-child relationship, to be honest. I also think that there are degrees of love - some parents don't love their children that much, for instance, not nec the egs above either.

It's socially unacceptable to admit, one of the last taboos, so I suspect the 'love-my-kids-but-not-that-much' scenario is rather more common than one would think.

WilsonFrickett Fri 25-Jan-13 22:02:43

I think you can 'hate the sin but love the sinner' but for some things (murder, sexual abuse) the love becomes buried under other complex emotions. That's why so many parents are in denial if their kids do horrendous things, it's so difficult for them to consider not loving their children that they disbelieve the truth, no matter how it's presented to them.

I think love is a choice. There may be circumstances in which I couldn't love my DS. I can't imagine what they would be. But, you know, if I was Hitler's mother, I'd prefer not to love him.

Fakebook Fri 25-Jan-13 22:02:45

Mass murderers are different from serial killers. Most mass murderers are normal people who flip and they usually have normal backgrounds too. I think Bridget is talking about serial killers. They usually have strange relationships with their mothers and are from abusive families.

HollyBerryBush Fri 25-Jan-13 22:03:40

corygal I think you have a correct assumption there.

steppemum Fri 25-Jan-13 22:13:45

I actually do say this to my children

I say it because I want them to come to me if they are in trouble, and to know that I would help, and because it separates bad behaviour from their personality (I love you, will always love you, nothing you can do will stop me loving you, BUT I do not like this behaviour, and this behaviour is not acceptable)

But it isn't a wishy washy love. Sometimes the help they might need is to be put in prison to protect others for example.

I think there is more danger in children thinking that they have no-one or now-where to go.

Corygal Fri 25-Jan-13 22:17:10

I wish I didn't, but when you look at the amount of adults in therapy you kind of wonder, don't you.

From my 'laife' experience, I know three people whose problems were unquestionably down to their parents not loving them. Middle class, no money worries, the full nice life...

...But of the three, the first was born 10 months after his brother as an unwanted surprise who remained that way (=heroin), the second was born to career parents who freely admitted they had second thoughts (=dropout), and the third, who displayed anxiety illnesses from age 4 was removed aged 22 to a secure psychiatric hospital from her parents' home one night - they 'hadn't noticed anything wrong, in all the years she's been with us'.

Itsjustafleshwound Fri 25-Jan-13 22:23:47

The statement scares me .... Almost an admission of some sort of blindness and dysfunctional relationship. I don't love everyone all the time ...

Herrena Fri 25-Jan-13 22:27:34

I was pretty sure my mother didn't love me for years and years, to the extent that I asked her (in all seriousness) if she sometimes wished I had died rather than my brother.

She claims to love me now, but I think it's because she doesn't feel ashamed of me (for being too fat, too awkward, too stupid - hey, I grew up) anymore.

I am deeply distrustful of statements like the one in the OP. I don't think anyone can claim to feel unconditional love, it just doesn't exist in my experience.

Having said that I am constantly wound up by my two little boys but I'd be devastated if anything took them away from me....

BeaWheesht Fri 25-Jan-13 22:30:21

Well, my dc are only little but I can't imagine ever not loving them - ever. I think if, god forbid, they ever did something truly evil I'd question where it, where I'd, gone wrong because I don't believe people are born evil. I know that as things stand they're loving, caring, sweet, naughty, curious little kids and something catastrophic would presumably need to happen to change them into someone horrific.

I'd still love them, I'd shop them to the police for example if they did something wrong, but I'd visit them and I'd try and get through to them but I'd make sure they knew that I never, ever condoned or excused their actions.

Morloth Fri 25-Jan-13 22:32:45

No, my love for my children is completely unconditional, there isn't anything they could do that would make me not love them.

That is what unconditional means.

Plenty of things they could do/say that would make me not like them very much and plenty of things that would break my heart.

Morloth Fri 25-Jan-13 22:35:03

Love doesn't mean always being softly softly and just putting up with their behaviours.

There are things they could do which would mean that I would not want to be around them etc.

My love for my husband is conditional, there are things he could do that could kill that love, for my sons, it is a completely different sort of thing.

BumpingFuglies Fri 25-Jan-13 22:37:25

My son has verbally, physically and emotionally abused me. I still love him, I always will. If he killed, stole or committed sexual crimes, I would still love him - I just would cease to support him. He's 14 btw.

TheNebulousBoojum Fri 25-Jan-13 22:40:06

I love both of mine beyond reason. I couldn't imagine anything that would change that. Always and forever. No deal breakers.

ZZZenAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 22:43:11

I tell dd that nothing would ever makecme stop loving her, it is love for life. Atm I can't imagine her doing anything which would make me stop wanting to protect her and fight her corner. We'll have to see how it pans out I suppose

edwinbear Fri 25-Jan-13 22:43:17

My mother disowned me last year, when I reneged on a promise to give her some money after dh was made redundant whilst I was on maternity leave with a 3 month old. So I think for some mothers it's relatively easy.

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