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To think dh is being a selfish arse?

(121 Posts)
Ashoething Thu 24-Jan-13 13:19:56

Background-dh works long hours in a stressful job and I am a sahm to our dcs. Dh has form for treating me like an unpaid skivvy and we have had words about it-A LOT.

We have both been ill with bad colds since monday. Throat killing,head banging,chest agony kind of thing. I am usually very healthy and havent even been to doctors in about 7 years!-so am certainly not usually one to really whinge when am unwell.

Anyway both feel like shit basically. Bit the last 3 nights dh has come home from work at dcs teatime-half 5-and gone straight to bed. I have been left to do all the cleaning,washing up,homework,baths etc.

This morning he went to work and then reappeared 2 hours later and has gone straight to bed again without so much as a hello.

I am left to entertain toddler,clean house,have to go to post office and then so school run

AIBU to think he is a selfish arse for behaving like this?-I am ill too but havent had the luxury of hours in bed this week.

WorkingMummyof1 Mon 28-Jan-13 17:01:32

HappyMummyOfOne your statement above:
"Its always a bad thing in a relationship to state you will be a SAHM, it has to be a joint decision that both parties are happy with. From his point of view he works all day, bears the responsibility of being the only earner and therefore he sees the house and children as being your part given he had no choice it seems."

- OP can state what she likes! If she wants to be a SAHM or pharmacist - it is her husbands choice to take up the offer. if he has changed his mind she can either leave him or come to an arrangement e.g. part-time work. he agreed with it initially apparently.

there are many people who work and still help out at home despite one spouse staying at home. she has three kids - 3 children and managing a house would at least be equal to or more than a 45k job in my opinion!!!

WorkingMummyof1 Mon 28-Jan-13 16:54:40

Wow. Just wow. Some of you need to back off. Yes, this is AIBU and not relationships, but if a person sounds so desperate please use some common sense and do not "bash" them - freedom of speech does not mean you have to kick someone when they are down. rather than give her strength you have just alienated her.

Yes OP needs to sort out her relationship/her life - but this will not be achieved by narrow minded views. Think about it - how many women are in abusive relationships? how many get out? how many stay as they feel they have no choice? truth is yes they do have a choice, but it might take a huge life/mind-set change. this takes time. one must grieve, realise then act.

it is obvious that OP wanted to hear "there there" what is wrong with that? she needs to hear it from some one - please be sympathetic - it is OP who will be going through the life change not you - it is easy to say but harder to do. some of you might have been through it well done - but encouragement would have been nicer than "it is your fault you are in this mess". there is a time and place for everything. The issue is not SAHM - it is abusive husband - as OP said even if she worked he would still expect to have a lie in while she does everything.

Sorry the poster made you feel worse OP - yes your husband is a loser - do what is best for your family - in your own time. think you know what is needed, you just need strength to do it - good luck.

HappyMummyOfOne Sat 26-Jan-13 10:29:30

Its always a bad thing in a relationship to state you will be a SAHM, it has to be a joint decision that both parties are happy with. From his point of view he works all day, bears the responsibility of being the only earner and therefore he sees the house and children as being your part given he had no choice it seems.

If he is emotionally abusive, then you need to either decide if the relationship can be salvaged through counselling etc or leave. Yes, you might have to work but thats hardly the end of the world. Think of what you want your children to grow up believing, surely they have to be the main focus.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 25-Jan-13 23:03:11

I am currently a SAHM. I don't think the issue is SAHM vs WOHM. I think it is that you seem to be stuck. You want change and say that your H is abusive. You won't consider options, though. It is frustrating to read. You want H to change. He won't. You won't consider leaving, work, help from friends or family. You are angry with people on this thread when actually that anger would be better directed to your H and leaving him.

Dozer Fri 25-Jan-13 22:04:20

Your problem is not attitudes towards SAHMs, it's your abusive DH. Being a SAHM married to someone like that makes you vulnerable: returning to work - or investigating your options were you to leave, or seeking support from womens aid - could help.

Nanny0gg Fri 25-Jan-13 20:54:07

I can see both sides of the coin here.
Yes her husband is treating the op badly, and in an ideal world, if he refuses to listen or change then she should be able to leave him. But it isn't as easy to do as it seems.
And as for her getting a job- not everyone can go out and earn £30k just like that. It is possible that all her wages would be eaten up in child are, because clearly her H won't help. And if all the child are still falls on her shoulders, how will she deal with school holidays etc and all the rest of it if she's not on a really good salary? Not to mention, has she got easy access to transport? It isn't that easy.
However, OP, you should get an appointment with Citizen's Advice ASAP, and start exploring your options.

londone17 Fri 25-Jan-13 20:44:19

Good luck op. We're here if you need us and hope you get better soon.

specialsubject Fri 25-Jan-13 20:39:55

not worth putting up with, even for 45k.

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 20:38:35

No.all my friends have dcs so too much to best mate has said that we could stay with her when she comes home but only lives in 1 bed flat.will take time to think things over but it cant continue like this.really got to go to bed now as dcs got activities all day tomorrow!

londone17 Fri 25-Jan-13 20:35:24

Could a friend mind the kids for a few nights to give you a chance to recover and give you some thinking space?

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 20:35:06

Have taken some painkillers.dont want to get into bed with dh and dcs are already.sharing a bed.i will be ok.quite a big couch.sorry if i was a bit snappy in my replies.i will just keep quiet tomorrow as i dont want him to refuse to watch.dcs so i miss my night out.thanks again.

everlong Fri 25-Jan-13 20:30:55

I'm sorry you feel so crap.

Can you have a bath and take some pain killers and get in bed?

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 20:30:43

Thank you.its appreciated.night off to sleep on couch.

londone17 Fri 25-Jan-13 20:29:42

When youre able to I hope you find a way forward.

londone17 Fri 25-Jan-13 20:28:05

Op Everlong has tried to help. Nobody is insulting you as your situation must be very difficult.

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 20:27:33

I didnt mean you personally had said that ever.apologies but on phone and finding it hard to be coherent.with my head banging.but their are a couple of posters on here who have made their disdain for sahm quite evident and its not what i need at moment.i will post on relationships when i have had time to.take on board all comments.

everlong Fri 25-Jan-13 20:22:36

I haven't commented about your situation. I certainly haven't said you are a lazy sahm!

I am simply saying that you can't tell people not to post because they don't fully agree with you.

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 20:19:43

Ever i will give you the benefit of the doubt in that perhaps you havent read the entire thread.i have posted that i am sat here in tears with a migraine from the stress and having pretty much no sleep for 5 days and i am getting basically saying well you deserve what you get for being a lazy sahm.again i ask does kicking avperson when they are down make you feel good about yourself? Anyway really am going now as all this thread is starting to do is reenforce the crap i get from dh every day.i thank all posters for their.contributions.

MrsOakenshield Fri 25-Jan-13 20:18:29

please don't leave the thread OP. I agree you are coming to terms with the reality of your situation, and there is some good advice in here, along with some stern words perhaps - but no-one wants to see you just accept what is an awful situation. You can get out of it and make a new life for yourself and your DCs. It will be hard work. But it's not impossible.

OP I would post in Relationships.

It seems to me that the OP is still coming to terms with how bad things are and is working through the shock. For me some of the posts blaming her for the situation really do seem like victim blaming. She didn't make her DH abusive. That is how he chose to react.

everlong Fri 25-Jan-13 20:13:52

I don't think anybody is picking you apart.

Just giving you their ideas.

Which is what you asked. Remember?

ScubaSarah Fri 25-Jan-13 20:13:44

OP I have the utmost sympathy for your situation and hope you can do something to change it. But you posted in AIBU. Some people may say yes. If you just want brew and thanks then relationships might be a better home for your thread?

meadow2 Fri 25-Jan-13 20:12:49

8-6 are the hours you have to work between.

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 20:11:57

And all the 2 hour in the morning jobs are where please? Sorry going now.

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