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To think dh is being a selfish arse?

(121 Posts)
Ashoething Thu 24-Jan-13 13:19:56

Background-dh works long hours in a stressful job and I am a sahm to our dcs. Dh has form for treating me like an unpaid skivvy and we have had words about it-A LOT.

We have both been ill with bad colds since monday. Throat killing,head banging,chest agony kind of thing. I am usually very healthy and havent even been to doctors in about 7 years!-so am certainly not usually one to really whinge when am unwell.

Anyway both feel like shit basically. Bit the last 3 nights dh has come home from work at dcs teatime-half 5-and gone straight to bed. I have been left to do all the cleaning,washing up,homework,baths etc.

This morning he went to work and then reappeared 2 hours later and has gone straight to bed again without so much as a hello.

I am left to entertain toddler,clean house,have to go to post office and then so school run

AIBU to think he is a selfish arse for behaving like this?-I am ill too but havent had the luxury of hours in bed this week.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 25-Jan-13 18:09:59

Don't do his cooking, laundry, admin, nothing. He wants a servant, let him recruit one.

Euphemia Fri 25-Jan-13 18:10:22

I firmly blame mil

With respect, that's bollocks. Your DH is a grown man who makes his own decisions and chooses his own behaviour. By blaming MIL you're just enabling him.

WorkingMummyof1 Fri 25-Jan-13 18:12:48

Ashoething - so sorry no advice for you, but just to say you are not alone. quite a few men out there think that their going to work and being unwell is more important than their wives working at home or at work - or both - and being unwell. they think they are so superior. idiots. although this is not technically advice but more a thought: you guys really need to talk and sort out boundaries - for work (office/home) and respect. one would hope adults were indeed that, but some adults are really just stroppy teenagers.

By the way - if he ever mentions again that you are lazy or that other women who work and have children, mention that some men are single working fathers who are able to manage home and work life perfectly fine - also he had a cold not a life-threatening illness?!

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 18:15:39

Euphimia-whenever there is something posted about are on it like a dog on shit while conveniently ignoring rest of post. I said that about mil because i believe it to be true.we go there for dinner every week.dh and bil sit on their fat arses and are served like.royalty while i am expected to help lay table,wash dishes yes.she is partially responsible for how he turned out.

SweetSeraphim Fri 25-Jan-13 18:17:49

Yes, she is partly responsible, but by the same token, by allowing him to treat you like this, you are enabling his behaviour.

Are you really just going to let him carry on treating you like crap?

AnnieLobeseder Fri 25-Jan-13 18:18:04

Yes you can get a job. Single parents manage it. So can you. He is an arse, and is banking on your being dependant on him. So get independent, whether you stay with him or not.

Yama Fri 25-Jan-13 18:19:08

Sometimes I think I must be a self entitled arse because when I read posts like this I think 'I wouldn't tolerate being with someone who didn't make my life easier. Nicer.'

Sorry Ash, but I want you to realise that putting up with that kind of behaviour is not the norm in my world. If this is unhelpful then I apologise. Only because you have enough on your plate mind.

Euphemia Fri 25-Jan-13 18:21:09

I haven't ignored the rest of your post, I just don't think it's acceptable to lay the blame at MIL's feet when your DH is an adult. He might find it difficult to adapt to the way men are expected to be nowadays, compared to our fathers and grandfathers, but it doesn't even sound like he's trying.

I don't understand your comment about me and MILs. Can you elaborate please?

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 18:22:46

He leaves for work at 6am and not home until 8pm.usually.also gets called out at short notice on weekends.he would be unable to do any school drop offs or pick ups or holidays so all childcare arrangememts would be my responsibility.not that easy.

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 18:24:09

Id rather not euphemia.thanks for posting though.

Euphemia Fri 25-Jan-13 18:25:26

Oh well that's convenient. hmm

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 18:27:56

Yes i do enable him but for a long time i believed the crap he said about i thought all marriages were like i am able to see how my friends dh,s treat them and how they value their contribution i see it is not normal.

SweetSeraphim Fri 25-Jan-13 18:28:36

So if you see it is not normal, what are you going to do about it?

SweetSeraphim Fri 25-Jan-13 18:29:23

I'm not trying to badger you, you understand, it's just that this situation will only carry on like it has been, and you will get ever more resentful, that's all.

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 18:29:25

I dont want to get into an argument with you head is banging as it is.

ENormaSnob Fri 25-Jan-13 18:29:55

He seems to really resent you bring a sahm.

Was it a joint decision for you to stay at home?

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 18:32:18

Im not sure what to do.i have no money and no where to go with.3 dcs and he wont the moment i do some voluntary work which may lead to paid employment in time.this is helping me to build my confidence back up a bit.

FeistyLass Fri 25-Jan-13 18:32:53

He's an arse (but you already know that!). When you are both better, sit down and tell him you're planning on leaving because he's making your life more difficult instead of easier. My dh has similar arsey tendencies. He was really shocked when I told him calmly one day that I would leave if he didn't start pulling his weight. (I find that stuff said in the middle of an argument can get lost) He still slips occasionally but generally he's much better now.
And tell him he has no idea what other people's wives do - if he talks like an entitled arse then his friends may replicate but it doesn't mean that is how they are acting at home.

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 18:35:16

I told him pretty much from our first date that if we had kids and he seemed to accept it.he resents the fact that i dont have a career.a job is not good enough for him.he resents that all his friends wives are doctors or lawyers-according to him.he resents the fact that we live in a shit house in a shit area and cant afford to send our dcs to private school.

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 18:38:39

Sorry that last post was pathetically a lot of peoples standards we are not bad off.he earns 45 occasional bonus.

SweetSeraphim Fri 25-Jan-13 18:40:44

Ahhhh.... so he has you as his whipping boy because he is resentful at the way his life has turned out?

Seriously. What would happen if you were to get him out of his sick bed hmm after the dc are in bed, and tell him that if he doesn't change, you will leave him? Will he listen? Because it doesn't sound like it.

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 18:47:33

Yep thats it in a nutshell seraphim.his career hasnt progressed the way he wants it too and he sees how well all his collegues are doing and it pisses him off.thing is as i point out to him they all come from monied backgrounds,dh and i are firmly working class so not.a fair the fact he is terrible with money and if he would only pull his finger out of his arse.we could actually have quite a nice life.

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 18:51:30

No he wouldnt listen.he knows i have no where to go with 3 dcs and i would never leave them.i am sat downstairs as dont want to lose it with him have a migraine now.he has buggered off back to bed so i will have to do dcs bath n bedtmes.

I think he is being an idiot and you are right to take a stand.

You say he is terrible with money. Do you get an equal say on how the money is spent or is it his money because he earns it?

Ashoething Fri 25-Jan-13 18:59:33

An equal say? Ha ha.his money is his money.i have no access to it.i have to ask for money like a child.yes i knows its pathetic but for a long time i accepted it as the norm.

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