in refusing to believe that im teaching my daughter to be this way?(67 Posts)
I really need help with this, im a new mum and not sure if im doing the right thing.
DD is 14 weeks old. Shes very talkative in baby language, very observant with whats happening around her, loves being spoken to, played with etc.
Shes not keen on being left on her own (even if i only pop to the loo)
She will happlily sometimes sit in her bouncy chair without being entertained providing she can see somebody.
I thought this was normal behaviour.
However dd has been get very distressed for some time now if not constantly entertained.
Off to the GP i went, thinking there most be something wrong if dd isnt settling very well.
GP checked her over, said he couldnt find anything medically wrong and that he feels this is a "behavioural issue" and to contact my HV.
So i arrive home, contact my HV, had a good chat, she tells me shes never heard of a doctor say that its a behaviour issue with a child so young.
As DD sleeps through the night and has done from around 7 weeks old, the hv says its not behavioural as she ll be the same during the night.
I went to see the hv the next day at the weighing clinic and dd got very very aggitated when there and it took ages to settle her, other parents were staring etc. Again hv sat with me whilst i fed her to see if it was "silent reflux" etc. She does not feel it was and asked me to take her back to the GP to have her urine tested to rule out infection.
I got a urine sample and off we went to the GP with it. The urine test was clear. The doctor said that i was "making a rod for my own back" by constantly attending to dd crying etc within a short space of time and i had to train her to behave in the way i think is acceptable.
I always believed (i have done alot of training with babies and children in the past but not recent) that babies cry for a reason and that by not attending to them youre teaching them that nobody comes etc.
I have been told by a family member that i do a hell of a lot of interacting with dd more than the average parent, and maybe thats why shes expecting it all the time etc.
HV has said that dd is more advanced for her age regarding alertness, back posture and how she supports her head etc and that she just needs a lot of stimulation and gets bored easy.
By interacting so much with dd am i building a rod for my own back and making her have a "behavioural issue"
Any advice more than welcome. I dont know if im doing the right thing by being so attentive towards her.
Of course you are being a brill mum by being attentive but she does need to learn at some stage that you cannot be interacting with her for every minute of every day.
Make sure she is safe, stay within eyeshot of her, talk reassuringly to her whilst she whinges but dont rush to comfort her.
14 weeks is young though so feel free to think I am talking bollocks My DS is 10 now so the baby days seem so far away.
GP is talking bollocks, ignore.
And your understanding that babies cry because they need you is exactly right. You're doing wonderfully.
The idea of 'training' another human being is ridiculous.
Sounds normal to me, no expert but have children. Doctors comment was a bit odd, dd probably is more the alert/interactive type. Agree with Betty , now she's not in the newborn stage, you can start the highchair, bouncers, play gyms while you are in the same room getting on with stuff.
Um - 14 week old babies like and want to be held and played with. They let you know in the only way they know how - by crying. As long as your DD seems happy and healthy, with no pain or problems feeding/weeing/pooing, I'd stop talking to the GP about her behaviour because TBH he sounds like an arse.
I don't think it is possible to give such a small baby too much attention. If it feels right for you, I'd carry on as you are.
DD1 was a bit like this, a brilliant sleeper very young, but very demanding during the day, it got a bit better when she became mobile. I just kept taking her on walks in the park etc. If she did not get to do anything she climbed the walls.
She is now seven and very active, but able to sit still etc in school.
Well my DD must be doomed then as BOTH her parents are professional entertainers and can't stop themselves from entertaining her!
And your DD is probably talky because you talk to her so much. That's what other people have told us as DD is more talkly than walky.
If she could play alone, at all, at 2 yo, I would say there could be an issue. At 14 weeks, umm, no.
Babies cry to let you know that something is wrong, it is very common for them to want stimulation/cuddles all day.
Tell the doctor to fuck off, responding to a childs needs is natural.
Some babies are just more demanding, my dd2 was like this. In fact at 11 she's still not good at entertaining herself. Sometimes I've wondered if she had adhd but really I think she's just a bit frantic all round.
But my dd1 and dd3 were far less demanding from birth. So I don't think it's my parenting.
I'd use a sling and just carry her around, most little babies don't like being left alone. Even the less demanding ones.
She's fine, you are fine. It's ok to let her whinge a bit if you are loading the washing machine or whatever, but as far as being left to cry for long periods-I wouldnt at this age.
Your HV sounds sensible, so listen to her and don't worry.Your dd may well be a bright spark who loves to chat. That's no bad thing.
And she has slept thru from 7 weeks? Count your blessings !
I agree that you can effect the way your baby is but often people forget that babies are born with their own little character. My middle child was more of a high needs baby too. We seemed to turn a corner once he could talk.
In the nicest way possible, I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Of course she doesn't like to be on her own, she's still so little. While you don't need to drop everything the second she makes a noise, you won't do her any harm at all by responding to her.
The HV did ask me how i had managed to get dd to sleep through so early on. I explained that i put outfits on her during the day, and babygrows at night. I ve never put baby grows on her during the day, as i felt it helps to associate between daytime and night time clothes.
And i dont put her to sleep in a moses basket during the day (thats for bedtime only) etc etc
The HV was surprised at this routine especially since she had a outfit on the day she was born at the hospital.
So i have done alittle bit of training in that way. Whether it did work or was a coincidence, i ve no idea.
OP, I think this has got nought to do with it, you just got VERY lucky!
Yep, very lucky! We did the exact same as you but he still won't sleep through. Bastard sleep regression
binky I wasnt sure if the way i am would end up with supernanny at my door in a few years time!
Has your GP met many 14 week olds? Sounds normal to me. Some babies need to be carried around a lot, some are more chilled out. That's just their personality, not something you've done. Dr Sears has written lots of good stuff about high-needs babies.
It is utter, utter bollocks that you are making a rod for your own back. HCPs should absolutely not be giving out advice like that. I would seriously consider complaining if you have the time and energy.
You sound like a responsive mum who is doing a good job. Don't let the idiot GP undermine your confidence.
it probaly is just a coincidence then
My baby is like that and she's 5 months old. I like to interact a lot with her and I choose to hold her a lot. I don't see a problem. She watches me while I do the washing up etc maybe she moans a little but I talk to her constantly and then once I'm done I pick her up. I think it's nice to enjoy them properly, the time really flys by and it's nice to make the most of it
I clearly remember 16 yrs ago the VERY FIRST time my 16 week old son lay on his play mat for 20 mins and played alone. I read a magazine it was bliss. Until then he had been physically attached to me since birth. He too was and is an advanced child who needed constant interaction. I have found that with all 4 of mine once they can sit up to play and reach for their toys,they play alone for longer.
My DMIL uses that phrase "you're making a rod for your own back" I sort of agree with her, as teaching the children to think for themselves has resulted in anything I ask them to do having to be fully justified.... Responding to a baby that young though, I don't think that's a bad thing at all. At the very least you're teaching your child he can rely on you which can only be good!
You're doing fine,
A 14 week old is still so tiny! I think its wrong for making a mother feel bad for , well mothering!
I would always respond to a crying baby, but I am not an entertainer mother and DS has always been very good at entertaining himself. By that I mean I would carry him a lot, and have him in a sling so I could get on with my things, but I didn't do a lot of jumping around and waving toys at him
Have you tried putting her in a sling? Stretchy wrap slings are really comfy and you can potter about or go for a walk without actively having to entertain her. My ds was very needy for my attention and I found the sling a lifesaver!
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