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AIBU to be upset that DH doesn't want me to go back to work? :(

(192 Posts)
doubleshotlatte Wed 23-Jan-13 11:45:59

Sorry if this is a bit confused and rambling, I'm too depressed to be coherent and my brain's stopped working after long debates with DH.

So I'd decided to retrain and go back to work this year after 5 years away. Work is TV. Being in a technical/creative role I need to catch up. I was going to pay for the training with my royalties from past work (and the rest with a bursary). Then I would try for a fairly stable, senior job, i.e. not involving travel or late hours (well not too many). Pay would have been decent enough but nowhere close to DH's. But for the 5 days of the course I'd need childcare so I needed to clear it with DH. And he basically said No.

Obviously not in so many words. But he threw enough spanners in the works, asked enough questions to make it impossible for me. In points:
(1) the course is too expensive and a job is not guaranteed without experience
(2) who will pick up/drop off the kids if I have to work in Central London (DH will not, he drives/commutes out of town daily and says the school drop off take a huge chunk of his time)
(3) I had a hard enough time finding work before kids
(4) I'll find it hard balancing work and kids
(5) and besides we had decided that I would be a SAHM doing blogging, that too once a week

After much debate, he conceded I could try for a very local, 2 times a week non-taxing job like temping or admin or shop asst. With all due respect to these jobs, I have 17 years of experience, 2 degrees and expensive training, not to mention bags of talent (so I'm told). Surely I can find better paid/more satisfying work?

And why do I want to work? Because I need the creative outlet, am good at it, I miss it and finally I really need the economic independence. I hate having to beg for/justify every penny I spend just because I didn't earn it.

We have 2 DCs about to turn 5 and 2 next month. One in reception, another just started day nursery 2 mornings/wk.

Sugarice Wed 23-Jan-13 11:51:54

You have every right to be upset that he's attempting to block you doing what you want.

Does he keep a tight rein on the finances by any chance and keeps an eye on what you spend?

ShamyFarrahCooper Wed 23-Jan-13 11:52:21

After much debate, he conceded I could try for a very local...

How very generous of him. So you've been a SAHM for 5 years and he is not willing to give you ANY support whatsoever, even though you being a SAHM has enabled him to progress his career?

You do not need his permission. He has effectively just told you, you & your career are not as important as him & his.

I hate having to beg for/justify every penny I spend just because I didn't earn it.

I think this is your reason from him. He wants you to justify every penny. He doesn't want you to have control of your own finances.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 23-Jan-13 11:54:49

HI Double

The end of your post said it all for me hun, the having to beg and justify every penny you need because YOU dont earn it. For me this is about him losing control of you and specifically the control he has over you through money.

You know what all I want to say is this..You have got all these brilliant qualifications, you are obviously intelligent capable thoughtful and most probably quite how powered in your work and previous life to him.

Think back and see if you can pin point when he started excercising control over you, was it having the kids, how was he about your job and sucesses in the beginning?

This is a long shot but the thought of you being a threat to him and his idea of what a wife.woman should be doing I think are in evidence here. You either fight for the freedom you once had and for the woman you were. Or you bow down to someone who is little by little taking away your autonomy over your whole life.


willyoulistentome Wed 23-Jan-13 11:56:22

I would LOVE it if my DH didn't want me to work....( and could keep me in the manner...)..

PoppyWearer Wed 23-Jan-13 11:57:18

Is it ok if I lurk sympathetically? Am in a very similar situation except my DH hasn't said no as such, just keeps saying that he wants me to run my own business or do something part time and local, that fits around the school runs. hmm

Crinkle77 Wed 23-Jan-13 11:58:25

So he says you will find it hard balancng work and kids? They're his kids too!

Sugarice Wed 23-Jan-13 11:59:17

Would you start to think about re-training without his support?

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 23-Jan-13 11:59:21

Hi Poppy start a thread hun, because just from that short post he is thinking of logistics to school runs and kids being sick and needed to be picked up.

if you give more detail we can help you more. smile

Bonsoir Wed 23-Jan-13 12:01:39

To be fair to your DH, it doesn't sound as if your logistics are very workable.

Narked Wed 23-Jan-13 12:03:07

HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

No, seriously. You both have DC. You share responsibility for them. Why not suggest he become a SAHD whilst you return to study. And he could try a little minimum wage work to get him out of the house.

ShamyFarrahCooper Wed 23-Jan-13 12:03:45

What is wrong with the OP's logistics? He can't help with school/nursery drop offs for one week?

Does he have a special opt out card he can pull out for things he doesn't want to do?

WilsonFrickett Wed 23-Jan-13 12:04:26

That's nice of him, you'll love admin hmm

Clearly YANBU. He is being controlling. The question is, what do you do about it?

Was it a 'proper' discussion or did it turn into a row? Is it worth bringing it up again for more discussion? Can someone else do your 5 days childcare? Are any of his points valid?

It sounds like he's comparing your old job with your new life, but it sounds like you are trying to get a more stable role, has he taken that into account?

I'm trying desperately to be constructive here, can you tell? Basically, is there room for negotiation?

Narked Wed 23-Jan-13 12:04:54

PLEASE stop the hunning.

HecateWhoopass Wed 23-Jan-13 12:05:58

Well, it's not unreasonable to ask such questions.

Answer them.

If my husband wanted to do something and I could see problems, I would likely ask him and how will X work and what will we do about y...

and I would expect him to have solutions. Or go away and think about it and come back and say ok, this is how it can work. We can do this, I can do this, you can change this, I will take over this, you will do this before heading off...

So make a list of the problems he threw at you and solve them.

Lovelygoldboots Wed 23-Jan-13 12:06:34

He needs to support your decision and it will be financially better for you all in the long run. He is being unreasonable. What if he could not work, if you had a well paid job then you may end up being the breadwinner. What you are proposing is securing all your futures. You have to go for it.

MarilynValentine Wed 23-Jan-13 12:08:43

Christ Almighty who the fuck does he think he is? King of the world? The Father-Provider-Autocrat-Tyrant who has deigned to inform you what you may and may not do?

You need to retrain. You are an individual, you want to work, to feel that level of autonomy again. To earn your own money.

Who knows, in the future you may need to fall back on it.

But seriously, you are a partnership. He needs to support you. It's about give and take. And plans/feelings change.

Don't let this one go.

Narked Wed 23-Jan-13 12:09:04

5 days. The OP wants 5 days. For a course.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Wed 23-Jan-13 12:09:35

Bonsoir, why are they Double's logistics and not Double's and MrDouble's logistics? <bemused>

Double, he's trying to:

a) keep you down, stop you becoming 'more successful' than him
b) keep the current domestic and logistical ease of his life in place

It sounds like he's financially controlling too. It sounds as if he considers himself more important than you 'because he brings in the money' and wants to keep that in place.

Can you say 'look, this is really important to me, these are both our kids, let's work out a way together to make the logistics work'? Reminding him of all you've done to facilitate his career?

If he still won't budge - well, for me I think that would be a dealbreaker tbh.

notsofrownieface Wed 23-Jan-13 12:09:51

Narked grin

Omnishambolic Wed 23-Jan-13 12:09:55

Have I missed something here? I assumed you were saying it was a 5-day per week course for a certain period of time - but actually, it's a course for five days FULL STOP? And you can't do it because of the logistics he says? Wow. He really will say anything to stop you going back to work, won't he.

Have you explained to him just how much you need this to stop you going nuts at home?

Many people can and do cope with both partners working, you can get childcare to fit around your job. Yes it can be difficult balancing everything but neither are you going to find it easy at home if you want to be working, especially in a couple of years when both children are at school during the day.

Do you still have contacts in your old job? Can you talk to them about opportunities so you can be realistic about the market at the moment, about how easy it will be to find the kind of role you're after, and then speak to "D"H again?

littleducks Wed 23-Jan-13 12:10:13

DH hates me working. He liked it when I did a few hrs onsaturday and he got to chill with preschool kids. I now do a healthcare course with working placements. It is tiring, it is a bit of a juggle, you do need to organise logistics.

However dh 'helps' (or helpfully does his share) he does morning school run 3 days a week when Im in central London. He takes days off in half term when I can't (I get long xmas/easter and summer breaks)

Iceaddict Wed 23-Jan-13 12:10:20

You have a right to work if you want to. Don't let dh control you. I would go insane if I didn't work.

I work part time in my regular job, I go to college and study an advanced diploma in psychotherapy and also see my counselling clients for around 5 hrs a week. My dp is working 200 miles away at the moment and I'm managing with 2 dc's age 2&4. I have an amazing childminder for 3 days a week but I still do all the dropping off/picking up. I see my parents at weekends as they work as well. Dp only has the kids for me to work for 2 hrs a week tops. And when he's away my sister will sit for me for a couple of hours now and again.

What I'm trying to say is, if my dp wanted to he could also think of many reasons why I couldn't do all of the above, but I don't want to stay home without a job. I would not be happy, and your happiness is just as important as every other member of your family. If you can work out a way to do what you want then do it. You're not hurting anyone. Good luck

HeathRobinson Wed 23-Jan-13 12:10:25


I would really go ahead and do this, if I were you. Sounds like you might need the economic independence, let alone the creative outlet.

Family for childcare for the course? Nanny for longer term?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Wed 23-Jan-13 12:11:48

(1) the course is too expensive and a job is not guaranteed without experience

No of course a job is not guaranteed but you deserve a shot.....he must do stuff surely that is expensive. Can you both afford it?? If so then you should do it,

(2) who will pick up/drop off the kids if I have to work in Central London (DH will not, he drives/commutes out of town daily and says the school drop off take a huge chunk of his time)

Is he able to once, twice a week maybe or is it a def no no with work?? It's one thing if his job just doesn't allow it, another if he is being bloody minded. They are his kids as well after all.

(3) I had a hard enough time finding work before kids

Of course but if you don't try you will never know!

(4) I'll find it hard balancing work and kids

Of course, so he will need to step up to the mark a bit more.....again, they aren't just your kids!

(5) and besides we had decided that I would be a SAHM doing blogging, that too once a week

Well, now you have changed your mind which you are perfectly entitled to do.

Sounds like he is terrified it is going to impact on his cozy cushy little life!! You do not need his permission to go out to work, this is 2013!!! ANything can be got round if you want it badly enough. He needs to stop being so selfish, accept you need more in your life than looking after the kids and doing the ocassional blog and sit down with you and work out ways to make this possible. That is what a supportive partner should do.

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