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to purposely not invite this girl?

(136 Posts)
LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 20:40:06

Whilst I was at uni I lived with 5 girls, there are 4 of us that still live in the same city. We all got on really well and it was like living with sisters.

One of the girl (who I was originally closest to as we went to college together and did the same course) the last year of uni would be a bit of a flake. We would organise a house night out and she would be up for it, but when it came to it she would make an excuse, we would go to the cinema regularly (Wednesday 2for1 with student pricing it would only cost £2) and not once did she come with us.

On the last week before we moved out she had persuaded me to go to the end of uni party (tickets cost £40), on the day she cancelled on me and so I didn't end up going. She had family problems.

I told her it was completely fine (although I was a bit upset), she then asked if I wanted to go out for lunch during the week as she was back in the house to pack up all her things to move home. I said I would love to but couldn't do the Monday or Tuesday but any of the other three days I would.

She never text me back and then wrote a group email on the Monday saying she has packed all her things up and wouldn't be going to the house again.

She also went on holiday for a week after she cancelled on the party because of family problems.

It really was the final straw to me.

I have since organised a meal (6 months later) with the girls in the house (apart from the one who doesn't live in the city) but I didn't bother to invite this girl. I heard through one of the girls afterwards that she had asked them if she had done something to offend them because she hadn't been invited.

I am now organising another dinner and have no plans to invite her. I have said to the other girls if they would like to invite her then I'm fine with that, but personally I'm not going to.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to make effort with people who wouldn't make the same effort with me and who most of the time can be a flake.

If she wanted to organise a dinner and invite everyone but me then I wouldn't mind, but the fact is she never organising anything anyway.

It's just I can't shake the feeling off that I'm being a bitch and being unreasonable.

I don't want to exclude her to hurt her, I just have no interest in a one way friendship.

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:23:14

Maybe she just doesn't like your company that much though and it'll be a bit of a relief to her too.

No it was her that asked me to move in with her and she does it to the other people in the house too.

Shakey1500 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:23:21

Why don't you take the bull by the horns and ring her. Tell her about the party and the reasons why you feel a bit hesitant to ask. Clear the air.

I would give her a chance personally. Benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise etc.

FergusSingsTheBlues Tue 22-Jan-13 21:24:03

Its really unfair to exclude one person like that when you normally together.
And it would be more mature to discuss her flakiness with her directly rather than sitting around bitching about it.

sooperdooper Tue 22-Jan-13 21:24:30

How long ago did you leave uni? I think it's a bit odd to remember each individual instance in such detail when none of it seems a huge big deal

Maybe she didn't want to go to the cinema all the time, when she couldn't go to the party why didn't you see if someone else could use her ticket and go with you instead?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 22-Jan-13 21:25:30

Leia is this your first AIBU?

If you don't like her, don't associate with her, but don't start a thread asking if your being unreasonable if you have already decided you don't want to be around her.

YANBU to decide not to be friends with someone if you don't want to, but YABU to start a thread where you end up coming across as a petulant child.

Pleasesleep Tue 22-Jan-13 21:27:08

I don't know. I think you sound a bit immature to be honest op. I think you'd be better talking to her like an adult... Saying that she upset you and please not to do it again? This is childish nonsense that you really need to grow out of. You're coming across as fairly unpleasant.

HollyBerryBush Tue 22-Jan-13 21:27:15

FYO = reading this, any feminist started calling me a 'woman' would get short shift and told to trot back to their more PC correct and uptight counterparts.

Girls is a term used by females from 0 - 90. It isn't offensive, perfectly acceptable in everyday speach - well apart from those who always seek to be perpetually offended and make a career out of it.

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:27:23

Really unfair to exclude one person like that when you normally together

We have only met up twice. The dinner I organised and someone else organised one - and she cancelled again.

allthatglittersisnotgold Tue 22-Jan-13 21:29:15

Sleepyhead, not a friend of mine are you? Reckon I have a few like this when I turn up I will generally make a good effort. Often cancel though. Flojobunny don't feel bad, a good friend will be supportive. "Friends" don't just pretend to like someone, they deep down care. Op you do sound a little fresh out of uni and still in that clique mode. No harm in having humility. It's always nicer to be nice, even if she's angered and upset you don't do the same to her. It's not worth it.

Floggingmolly Tue 22-Jan-13 21:32:15

Hollyberry. I personally always feel there's something a little sad about referring to the
over thirties over forties as "girls". As for any female up to ninety... hmm

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:33:11

I see your point glitter

It's just after everything that she's done, I just can't like her anymore and I'm not sure that would be really fake of me to pretend that I do by inviting her.

KobayashiMaru Tue 22-Jan-13 21:33:55

"Girls is a term used by females from 0 - 90. It isn't offensive, perfectly acceptable in everyday speach"

Read a dictionary, it has a specific meaning. Most of us grown women do not like being referred to as a female child, or an immature female. Although I do agree that the characters in this story, especially the OP, do fit that definition.
As do those who think normal women must be perpetually offended just because they want to be referred to properly and not in an insulting manner. How odd of you to think so.

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:36:29

Ok maybe I should have said women, but whatever I don't see why it matters. None of you had trouble understanding what I meant.

It's just not relevant to what I posted.

Why are people trying to debate this? confused

gwenniebee Tue 22-Jan-13 21:40:14

I am a flake, because I regularly make excuses not to do things because I am too nervous to. Not that any of the people I make the excuses to know that.

I also refer to myself and other female people my age as "girls" and fail to understand how it could be construed as demeaning. Do you suppose male people get so hung up about such petty things as whether they are referred to as "men" or "lads/guys/boys/chaps" etc.

I guess that makes me pretty despicable to both sides of this argument!

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:48:12

Honestly believe me she has no nerves. I could go into great detail as to how I know but theres no point.

Just take my word for it.

AmberLeaf Tue 22-Jan-13 21:53:43

AIBU? yes

NO I'M NOT yes you are

NO I'M NOT...........repeat to fade.

2rebecca Tue 22-Jan-13 21:55:04

You are a group of women who used to be close and are now less so. It's normal for friendships to change over time. I had a close group of friends as university, we have since split into smaller groups and some extra people who weren't in our group have joined one of the groups, largely related to where we all live now.
If you feel this woman is no longer your friend and you don't want to invite her then don't, otherwise you just invite her and she doesn't come. It's OK for friendships to change over time.

ilovesooty Tue 22-Jan-13 22:09:44

Ok fine I'm a huge pathetic bitch who doesn't deserve friends and should lie in the road and do the world a favour

FFS. You don't like her. You don't want to invite her. I can't imagine why you even asked. hmm

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 22-Jan-13 22:11:23

grin Amber. I was just saying earlier today how much I enjoy AIBU when the person does that.

hrrumph Tue 22-Jan-13 22:20:12

it won't make any difference but I think yabu.

you're being a Wendy.

just because you don't like one quite as much as the others.

as I said to my 7 year old today, it costs nothing to be kind.

I do have a bit of a personal reason for saying these things. My school friends for years (7 years) were a group of 4 other girls. I had to leave school half way through the sixth form because I had an illness. It took a long time to diagnose so all I could tell them was i felt like crap. I was pretty much in bed for a year. When I felt well enough I called one of the girls up and said I'd really like to meet up. Her response - we've all got new friends now, we don't meet up any more. Which turned out to be a complete lie. For years I thought all of them hated me. I've never ever been able to trust in groups of women since. When FB came about (20 years later) they all contacted me. Why didn't you get in touch they said. I'm not such a cow as to tell them X told me you all had new friends and didn't want to see me again.

You are excluding this one person from the group because she hasn't behaved in quite the way you would like. The others may not feel like this about her at all. If you have a history as a group, it's just wrong and mean to leave her out.

maddening Tue 22-Jan-13 22:39:53

a - maybe she didn't like the cinema - no need to take it personally as she didn't go with all of you.

b- the other gripes come during family problems so normally you make allowances for friends '

c- you're outwardly telling your friends you aren't inviting her - making any attempt to invite her awkward - generally avoid being the one to make your friends choose is best to be avoided as does appearing to be the one doing the isolation of a friend from a friendship group - by doing this you appear the aggressor so are potentially going to be judged as such - say this friend speaks to the rest of your "group" - they will get her view and remember you are the one who decided not to invite her.

d - it's oetty and childish - does not hurt to invite her to a meal -if she constantly doesn't turn up that is what will be remembered instead of point c.

Cailinsalach Tue 22-Jan-13 22:47:32

I feel your friend is constant in her attitude. She really isn't that into you or your other friends.
I wouldn't waste any more time, effort nor consideration on this gel.
I agree to leave it to the others to include her if they wish.

lougle Tue 22-Jan-13 23:01:21

If you ask people what I am 'like', they would say I'm confident, outgoing, etc. I dread social occasions. I often feel like cancelling (but rarely do, because the pressure of going is equal to the dread of having to push myself forward to cancel).

Outward appearances aren't always indicative of inner emotion.

DigestivesWithCheese Wed 23-Jan-13 03:03:43

Kobaya - Get over the whole "girl"/"woman thing, please. It's boring, boring, boring. Call yourself whatever you like but that doesn't give you the right to control others.

GameSetMatch87 Wed 23-Jan-13 03:14:38

lougle The OP said that the girl had a party and invited all her friends round so she hardly dreads social occasions.

Sometimes people are just plain rude.

Agree with Digestives - Kobaya use the word woman as frequently as you like, let others use their own word. Get over it basically.

The amount of times I see people say forget it she's not your friend leave her alone.

What if the aibu was from the other persons side - one of my housemates keeps asking me out but most of the time I just don't feel like it or can't be bothered, aibu to be upset that she didn't invite me out for lunch?

The OP also said she told the other women that if they wanted to invite then they could.

Aibu really is the crude bucket of MN.

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