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to purposely not invite this girl?

(136 Posts)
LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 20:40:06

Whilst I was at uni I lived with 5 girls, there are 4 of us that still live in the same city. We all got on really well and it was like living with sisters.

One of the girl (who I was originally closest to as we went to college together and did the same course) the last year of uni would be a bit of a flake. We would organise a house night out and she would be up for it, but when it came to it she would make an excuse, we would go to the cinema regularly (Wednesday 2for1 with student pricing it would only cost £2) and not once did she come with us.

On the last week before we moved out she had persuaded me to go to the end of uni party (tickets cost £40), on the day she cancelled on me and so I didn't end up going. She had family problems.

I told her it was completely fine (although I was a bit upset), she then asked if I wanted to go out for lunch during the week as she was back in the house to pack up all her things to move home. I said I would love to but couldn't do the Monday or Tuesday but any of the other three days I would.

She never text me back and then wrote a group email on the Monday saying she has packed all her things up and wouldn't be going to the house again.

She also went on holiday for a week after she cancelled on the party because of family problems.

It really was the final straw to me.

I have since organised a meal (6 months later) with the girls in the house (apart from the one who doesn't live in the city) but I didn't bother to invite this girl. I heard through one of the girls afterwards that she had asked them if she had done something to offend them because she hadn't been invited.

I am now organising another dinner and have no plans to invite her. I have said to the other girls if they would like to invite her then I'm fine with that, but personally I'm not going to.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to make effort with people who wouldn't make the same effort with me and who most of the time can be a flake.

If she wanted to organise a dinner and invite everyone but me then I wouldn't mind, but the fact is she never organising anything anyway.

It's just I can't shake the feeling off that I'm being a bitch and being unreasonable.

I don't want to exclude her to hurt her, I just have no interest in a one way friendship.

allthatglittersisnotgold Tue 22-Jan-13 21:07:07

I think she has anxiety too. Speaking as a "flake" I love my friends dearly and often do this to them. Some have been understanding others not ao. At the time the idea of an event is fanulous when the rime comes I get nervous and can't face it. Why don't you actually ask her? She might appreciate it. I know I would. Also just invite her. No point being spiteful. She probably won't go anyway.

registerme Tue 22-Jan-13 21:08:23

I have had this problem with several friends. I have a couple of good friends who I lived with at uni. After uni, I moved away and they stayed in the same city. One of them never replied to my emails, and then was surprised that I didn't invite her to a meet up with some other uni friends (I honestly didn't realise she wanted to come since I thought we weren't in touch anymore!). Now we are back in touch and live in the same city again, but it is the same old story. 80% of the time I have to contact her if I want to meet up. She is just so scatterbrained and behind with everything, I don't think she thinks to initiate meet ups most of the time. On the other hand, when we meet up we have a great time. It's not ideal, but I'm grateful to have any friends at the moment.

YADNBU though.

allthatglittersisnotgold Tue 22-Jan-13 21:08:27

Sorry for typos. Fat iphone fingers.

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:09:03

KobayashiMaru well I feel sorry for you girl.

Amber she regularly went out with other friends, weekends away with them, photos on Facebook etc

Holly Read the whole OP. There was many incidents where she would agree to do something and then cancel last minute, or just decide she couldn't be bothered.
It was her idea to go to this event, and I paid the £40 but she cancelled on me on the day as she had family problems and then still went on holiday a week later.

I said to her that was fine, always here to talk. She suggested lunch in the week and she would packed up her things in the house that day too. I told her what days I could do and she purposely chose a day where I wasn't available and never said anything.

It was like I said the final straw.

KobayashiMaru Tue 22-Jan-13 21:09:56

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheLightPassenger Tue 22-Jan-13 21:10:22

yabu. give her another chance, you don't know whether there might have been serious family stuff going on six months ago, or whether she has got herself together a bit since you last saw her.

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Tue 22-Jan-13 21:11:18

You're choosing to feel desperate, I don't see the problem nviting her as its a group thing so either she'll come which is a bonus or she won't and the rest of you will have a nice time anyway.

I think the risk of what you're doing 'I've told the others they can invite her but I'm nt going to' is you're making it a bad atmosphere.

BridgetBidet Tue 22-Jan-13 21:11:54

Sorry, this is really childish and pathetic. Just tit for tat nonsense. And incredibly rude and nasty to organise a night out for a group of people who used to live together and exclude one - infantile and unpleasant.

OP - I would watch out if I were you, because if I was one of the girls you HAD invited and I had got wind you'd behaved like this to a former flatmate then you would certainly be heading towards being an ex-friend. This will reflect really badly on you.

To be frank, it's borderline bullying.

AmberLeaf Tue 22-Jan-13 21:13:36

Amber she regularly went out with other friends, weekends away with them, photos on Facebook etc

Maybe they were her understanding friends?

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Tue 22-Jan-13 21:14:01

And I agree about potential anxiety or similar. OP your posts come across very angry, mayb she's a bit scared of you?

sooperdooper Tue 22-Jan-13 21:15:51

What family problems did she have? Did you ever ask?

I've got family problems at the moment, I cancelled on a friend on Sunday and I'm probably going to cancel on another friend this weekend - I hope they are more understanding and don't decide to exclude me for being a flake!?

BridgetBidet Tue 22-Jan-13 21:16:18

LeiaRose, has it ever occurred to you that you could behave like an adult and tell her that you were upset that she had cancelled on you a couple of times and ask her to apologise and not do it again? Rather than behaving like a little schoolgirl saying 'Yah, boo sucks, I'm not inviting you to my party' and slating her to the rest of your mates behind her back?

This really is bullshit, I so wouldn't want to know anybody who indulged in this sort of crap, it's pathetic.

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 22-Jan-13 21:16:21

I don't think YABU but if it's a meal in a restaurant where 1 more or less on the day won't make a difference, I think you should invite her just to be nice. I wouldn't expect her to show up, but it's the right thing to do. However, I definitely wouldn't make any 1:1 plans with her, spend any money on e.g. tickets based on her saying she'll go to something with you, or turn down other invitations to make plans with her. Last-minute/casual/group get-togethers only.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 22-Jan-13 21:16:31

Maybe she doesn't like you?

Also I have suffered with anxiety and would continually cancel things. It depended on the day how I felt. Maybe your things fell on bad days.

Luckily my friends are more understanding.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 22-Jan-13 21:17:03

Out of interest OP, how old are you?

DIYapprentice Tue 22-Jan-13 21:18:04

How do the others feel about her?

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:18:05

I promise you this WOMAN doesn't have any kind of problem, she regularly went out with her own group of friends, birthday weekends away etc

Amber this is the woman who had a party at our house and her friends trashed my things, smashed my glasses, ate my food etc, who would make arrangements to go out and cancel on the day numerous times because she couldn't be bothered or had a better offer.

She made me feel quite shit about myself and so I gave up on a friendship. She has never once contacted me since she left the house.

I like the other girls and want to continue my friendship with them.

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 22-Jan-13 21:18:17

Oh, and Kobayashi, based on their behaviour I think the individuals in this situation are definitely girls rather than women. wink

Flojobunny Tue 22-Jan-13 21:18:26

Your friend had cold and this women said "she's too tired to come out" and its spiteful hmm
If she cancelled the day before the uni party didn't she lose £40 too? And why did u have to cancel going just because she did? Your choice to lose the money, u can't blame her.
You clearly don't like her so why bother starting a thread like this when you aren't going to listen to anyone?
I also have anxiety problems, no one except my parents know. None of my friends know, most have ditched me, I feel really lonely, its nice to be included even if I dont feel up to going.

sleepyhead Tue 22-Jan-13 21:18:58

I've got a friend like this. It is annoying, but I decided long ago that I was happy to include her but not go to any effort so that I wasn't too put out if she cancelled.

So, in your situation I'd invite her but at the back of my mind I'd assume she wasn't coming and plan accordingly. If I was inviting her to the cinema then I'd invite someone else too so that if she pulled out at the last minute I'd still have a good time.

My friend is excellent company when she does show though, so I reckon it's worth it. I don't know why she's so flaky, none of my business, but I value her as a person and don't want to break ties with her completely.

Doesn't sound like you feel the same about this person so I guess cutting her out is different. Maybe she just doesn't like your company that much though and it'll be a bit of a relief to her too.

Floggingmolly Tue 22-Jan-13 21:19:28

Other girl says she's too tired to go. That's quite spiteful
What? Wtf is spiteful about that?
And she never, ever went to the cinema with you, even though it was only £2????? Maybe she didn't bloody want to. You sound really hard work, taking all these non attendances at non compulsory events as personal slights (your birthday breakfast!!)

onedev Tue 22-Jan-13 21:21:15

I see where you're coming from Op & it would really bother me too, although likely I would have told her by now & certainly would have told her I was angry about the £40! (Provided the circumstances weren't understandable obviously!)

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:21:16

Ok fine I'm a huge pathetic bitch who doesn't deserve friends and should lie in the road and do the world a favour.

I am 100% being unreasonable.

JoInScotland Tue 22-Jan-13 21:22:04

I agree, invite her and if she doesn't come then there's no harm done.

As regards the girl / woman debate, when I read your thread title, I thought you were contemplating not inviting a 5-year-old to your child's party. Because that would be a girl. You and your friend are all grown up now, you're women. HTH

timidviper Tue 22-Jan-13 21:22:20

YANBU You have made enough effort for this woman, if she has problems then it is up to her to either work around them or explain to friends enough for them to make some allowances. I think you've been very reasonable.

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