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to purposely not invite this girl?

(136 Posts)
LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 20:40:06

Whilst I was at uni I lived with 5 girls, there are 4 of us that still live in the same city. We all got on really well and it was like living with sisters.

One of the girl (who I was originally closest to as we went to college together and did the same course) the last year of uni would be a bit of a flake. We would organise a house night out and she would be up for it, but when it came to it she would make an excuse, we would go to the cinema regularly (Wednesday 2for1 with student pricing it would only cost £2) and not once did she come with us.

On the last week before we moved out she had persuaded me to go to the end of uni party (tickets cost £40), on the day she cancelled on me and so I didn't end up going. She had family problems.

I told her it was completely fine (although I was a bit upset), she then asked if I wanted to go out for lunch during the week as she was back in the house to pack up all her things to move home. I said I would love to but couldn't do the Monday or Tuesday but any of the other three days I would.

She never text me back and then wrote a group email on the Monday saying she has packed all her things up and wouldn't be going to the house again.

She also went on holiday for a week after she cancelled on the party because of family problems.

It really was the final straw to me.

I have since organised a meal (6 months later) with the girls in the house (apart from the one who doesn't live in the city) but I didn't bother to invite this girl. I heard through one of the girls afterwards that she had asked them if she had done something to offend them because she hadn't been invited.

I am now organising another dinner and have no plans to invite her. I have said to the other girls if they would like to invite her then I'm fine with that, but personally I'm not going to.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to make effort with people who wouldn't make the same effort with me and who most of the time can be a flake.

If she wanted to organise a dinner and invite everyone but me then I wouldn't mind, but the fact is she never organising anything anyway.

It's just I can't shake the feeling off that I'm being a bitch and being unreasonable.

I don't want to exclude her to hurt her, I just have no interest in a one way friendship.

gordyslovesheep Tue 22-Jan-13 20:41:38

you invite her - she doesn;t come - where is the harm?

Joiningthegang Tue 22-Jan-13 20:43:21

Ynbu - she sounds like an ex friend and probably wouldnt turn up after you had catered for her. The others must realise what she is like and wont hate you for not asking her.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 22-Jan-13 20:43:52

I would still invite her, if she doesn't come so be it. Be the bigger person.

pigletmania Tue 22-Jan-13 20:44:22

YANBU there is only so much a person can take, and if they keep being messed about time and time again than its time to call it a day. Even if you did invite her she might flake out of it again

deleted203 Tue 22-Jan-13 20:45:15

I don't think YABU. I don't think I'd bother invite her as I also can't be arsed with people who don't make a reciprocal effort. I take it you are not really in contact with her now?

AmberLeaf Tue 22-Jan-13 20:48:11

Sounds like she possibly has anxiety problems?

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 20:49:19

I haven't spoken to her in months.

I just feel there's only so many times you can ask someone if they'd like to do something and for them to keep saying no. It makes you feel desperate.

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 20:51:20

huh? what makes you think that Amber ?

HecateWhoopass Tue 22-Jan-13 20:51:24

"I have said to the other girls if they would like to invite her then I'm fine with that, but personally I'm not going to. "

Fair enough.

If they want her there, they can invite her.

I don't blame you for not wanting to bother. I wouldn't either.

werewolvesdidit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:52:27

Maybe she was having problems/depressed over the family thing? Either way, I'd invite just 'cos I wouldn't want to be spiteful.

Hullygully Tue 22-Jan-13 20:54:11

Maybe her cat died/her aunt's leg fell off/she spilt her tea/her knitting missed a stitch/her toe ached.

yeah yeah yeah

AmberLeaf Tue 22-Jan-13 20:54:45

Making plans to go somewhere and then cancelling just before you are due to go, sounds like wanting to go but when it comes to it, not feeling able to.

KobayashiMaru Tue 22-Jan-13 20:54:51


Not "girls".

Crawling Tue 22-Jan-13 20:55:03

Id invite her and be the bigger person she might surprise you and it may be that back then was a difficult time for her.

Megglevache Tue 22-Jan-13 20:55:33

Agree with the others just invite her in a breezy formal way- chances are she'll not come and don't take it personally grin

Save you energies on your real mates.

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 20:58:07

No it's definitely not that Amber

and kabayashiMaru does it really matter - girls/women/ladies who cares? Don't get so wound up about such tiny things that don't even matter.

KobayashiMaru Tue 22-Jan-13 20:59:10

yes it does really matter. It's the small things that really do matter in life, I think you'll find.

AmberLeaf Tue 22-Jan-13 20:59:49

How are you so sure Leia?

HollyBerryBush Tue 22-Jan-13 20:59:52

She cancelled some events because she had family problems thereafter you exclude her?

Ok. hmm

LeiaRose Tue 22-Jan-13 21:02:11

werewolvesdidit I'm not doing it to be spiteful.

For my birthday all of us decided to go out for breakfast, one of the girls had such a bad cold but she still wanted to go.

Other girl comes downstairs and says she's too tired to go. That's quite spiteful.

It was one thing after another. I'm old enough to know when I no longer want to be friends with someone.

I don't want to be her friend and Im tired of making the effort with someone who constantly cancels or just flat out says no.

Crawling Tue 22-Jan-13 21:03:21

I have mental health problems most people don't know and mine are quite serious ime you can't always tell if a person is suffering ill mental health.

justmyview Tue 22-Jan-13 21:04:24

YABU. If she had family problems, that trumps a night out with student flatmates / end of year party. Other times, you went to the cinema, she didn't fancy joining you - I don't see the problem.

werewolvesdidit Tue 22-Jan-13 21:04:59

Yes re hidden health problems
and yes re women not girls

AmberLeaf Tue 22-Jan-13 21:06:49

I don't want to be her friend and Im tired of making the effort with someone who constantly cancels or just flat out says no

There's your answer then.

You obviously arent open to any suggestions of maybe show a little understanding so just do what you like! and yes it does make you look a bit bitchy, your call though.

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