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to sypport dd in pushing another child?

(61 Posts)
KhallDrogo Tue 22-Jan-13 18:46:18

In context...8 yo dd1 had a problem with an adult being over familiar. School was involved with warning him off, unwanted hugs from stranger. Motives a bit blurry, but think just inappropriate rather than anything sinister

So, we have had a number of talks about her being able to say 'no' to anyone if they are doing something she doesn't like, and I have made it clear she can shout and push.

Now...boy at school was fooling around, teasing and kissing her. She asked him to stop, he didn't. She pushed him and he fell over. She has been told off by teacher. She tried to speak to her own teacher about what happened, but she was told 'this isn't the time'

She is upset, but I have reinforced that she did the right thing. AIBU? AND WIBU to speak to the teacher and say that I will continue to support this?

I understand teachers are busy in the play ground and can't get involved in every little to-do; but she asked him to stop herself, teacher too busy/uninterested...

Butterycrumble Wed 23-Jan-13 11:58:22

Non of our children should need to use violence or aggression and there are other strategies which should be taught as first response BUT the message that low level sexual assault is something that only merits a word not a physical reaction is wrong too.

I would respect the school's zero tolerance policy whilst being pleased my dd was confident to enforce her physical boundaries when necessary.

IMO compliance is a bigger danger to your daughter especially when older. The argument that a physical response could escalate the conflict is the logic that empowers the aggressor.

The argument that you shouldn't fight back when older because you could escalate the assault is an argument that favours the aggressor. Sadly this all starts in the playground, in later life most incidents are opportunistic luck pushers rather than overwhelmingly violent attackers who we couldn't repel. I broke the nose of one horrible man who tried to assault me, transpired he had been groping and assaulting some other friends for a while. Am delighted I disabused him of the notion it was behaviour that would be accepted.

MammyKaz Wed 23-Jan-13 12:21:37

Actually I'm now getting a little exasperated that the focus is primarily on your DDs actions & what she should have done instead. What about this boy??? What are the consequences that he is having to accept for his inappropriate behavior towards her??? If he didn't make her feel threatened he wouldn't have been pushed - this is where focus should be & the education needs to begin.
My DD isn't school age yet but she will be taught NOT to accept unwanted or threatening attention & take responsibility for making it clear it is unwanted - even if that results in pushing. This I hope will help see her right through her life. Otherwise we're in danger of breeding a generation of doormats that will always need an "authority" figure to deal with things on their behalf.

WilsonFrickett Wed 23-Jan-13 12:32:46

To be fair Mammy the question was AIBU to support DD's behaviour to the teacher. Lots of people have said one of the reasons the OP should speak to the teacher is so the boy's behaviour can be dealt with and the standards expected generally can be discussed.

Narked Wed 23-Jan-13 12:33:56

I'd be fine with what your DD did. She told him to stop, she moved away, he didn't stop.

I'd ask the school what their policy is on protecting children from this. What's the point in zero tolerance of pushing, hitting etc when they seem to tolerate other unwanted physical contact.

KhallDrogo Wed 23-Jan-13 19:03:23

I have spoken with her class teacher

She was of the opinion that;

1) dd should have been allowed to give her explanation of why she pushed and the boy needed an explanation of respecting personal space/boundaries

2) dd needs to feel safe and protected in school

She spoke to dd to this effect in my presence and said she would talk to her again tomorrow.

I said I appreciated that teachers are busy and it must be hard to ne involved in all the disputes every day AND that dd should have gone to a teacher before pushing. But that I would back her up if she felt that was her only option. Dds teacher is very professional and diplomatic and didn't challenge me on that

I'm very happy with her response

Goldmandra Wed 23-Jan-13 19:18:33

Good outcome I think smile

mrsjay Wed 23-Jan-13 19:20:13

yes it was a good positive outcome

cansu Wed 23-Jan-13 20:15:29

Ok let's imagine this scenario. A boy reports that your dd has been following him around and even pinched his bum whilst laughing and saying she fancied him. The boy pushes your dd over and she is upset and crying. What would you reaction be when the school tells you the boy was right to push your dd because she was hassling him? honestly, would you think it was ok?

KhallDrogo Wed 23-Jan-13 20:27:10

i have thought about that alot cansu, because my motivation is definitely in preparing dd for life as a woman and avoiding/dealing with sexual assault/abuse from men...

1) i dont think the school are saying its ok that dd shoved the boy. she was told off for that. however the teacher is saying that the boys behaviour needs dealing with and that dd should feel she can go to a teacher.

i think that teacher just avoided getting into that conversation with me

2) i would actually think it was justifiable if dd was pushed in the scenario you describe. She does respect other peoples personal space/boundaries. I would be shocked and cross if I heard that she had been doing what you describe. I know dd would pack it in if asked, so it wouldn't escalate to her being pushed.

I think a 'push' is very different to a thump

Goldmandra Thu 24-Jan-13 08:20:39

If Khall's DD had hold of the boy in such a way that he couldn't walk away from her to tell a teacher he would be perfectly right to push her.

It's about using the minimum force necessary to stop the behaviour which is upsetting them.

That isn't a complicated principle for an 8 year old to understand.

Morloth Thu 24-Jan-13 10:11:29

If someone was trying to kiss/touch me and I had asked them not to, I would not hesitate to use violence to get them to stop.

I have taught my DSs that their bodies are theirs, more girls should be taught this.

If MY DSs were pinching someone's bum and had been asked to stop and they continued, I would think a shove is possibly the best thing they could hope for.

Stop when you are asked and you don't get shoved, not that complicated.

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