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To dislike big parties and not want to help Dh celebrate his 40th ?

(60 Posts)
MuchBrighterNow Tue 22-Jan-13 11:23:29

Dh wants to arrange a big party for his 40th birthday, It will involve inviting lots of old friends and their families to come and stay for 3 or 4 days as we live far away from them. ( up to 50 or more people staying , a lot with young children, and then at least the same number locally )

He says that he will arrange it all, though I am not sure where they will all stay etc. It seems most of them will be squashed into our house. No one has any money to hire cars and we live in the middle of nowhere.

They will take flights to get here which mean that they probably wont be able to bring much luggage/ bedding etc.

I have had a very stressful time lately with my Ds teen . I have 2 other Dc , I work and Dh goes away a lot. I am already feeling pretty overwelmed just keeping up with day to day life. I feel very low in energy and do not feel at all like being the hostess with the mostess!

This party seems to be a big deal for DH....all I can see is the upheaval, energy etc. it's going to require. I don't even like big party's .I can see my negativity is really upsetting Dh.

I can't help think of all the practical, logistical details and they are blocking me as I just can't be bothered. Dh says he will do it all , but to be honest It's me who keeps our day to day life ticking over, and I can't see it.

AIBU to not be very happy with the prospect? Should I support him as it's his 40th ?

MuchBrighterNow Tue 22-Jan-13 16:31:09

I can see form the posts that the general consensus is: yes he does deserve to celebrate his birthday but he needs to get real about just what is enjoyably feasable for us and our guests!

He often has grandiose plans and I end up being the voice of reason damp squib who brings it back down to earth. I would like him to have an enjoyable celebration but want to avoid the blue assed fly bit !

I was counting on not all the invited coming biscuit , though our friends are quite a hardy lot and may not be put off by tents on building sites !!

And when 50 people call from the airport asking for lifts and your DH finds himself having to queue for 30 mins to use his own bathroom you can comfort yourself with the biggest I told you so smugfest ever. grin

NatashaBee Tue 22-Jan-13 16:39:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateWhoopass Tue 22-Jan-13 16:45:16

I would. Because you love him and it really matters to him.

However, if you really wanted to, you could say ok, fine. You want it, great. You organise it, like you've promised to.

And then do nothing. He either does everything or it won't happen. And if he asks you for help, say no, sorry, I was very clear on this. You assured me that you would organise this. Don't try to pass it to me now.

tbh, that's not what I'd do. pass the sick bucket alert I think it's really sad if someone has to organise their own birthday bash (real sad not teenage omg that's so sad sad). I'd get over my irritation and throw myself into it cos I luffs the daft bugger and it'd mean a lot to him.

TeeBee Tue 22-Jan-13 17:00:12

Actually I did arrange a party for my DH's 40th, and we had about 50 guests. He really didn't get chance to talk to most of them. I had a quieter bash, with around 25 and had a fab time chatting all night long to those who were close to me. Something for him to consider maybe. Is he really going to get chance to spend time with all those people who have travelled far and wide to come?

HannahsSister40 Tue 22-Jan-13 17:10:36

You have my sympathy. This is my idea of hell. I feel a bit queasy just reading it. 50 people for a 40th, flying in from here there and everywhere! Urgghh. It's my 40th in a few months and I'm having a posh night out with dh at a very expensive, lovely a la carte restaurant and a night out with a few mates. That is it. When did 40ths become like weddings?! Yes, I'd play along with everything, smile and support him. But I wouldn't have anyone staying over. And of hire a venue. (And I'd be screaming inside!)

Bogeyface Tue 22-Jan-13 17:23:00

I do think that you need to support him but also to put your foot down about the silly parts of his plan. It is not feasible to have 50 people camping out in your house for 3/4 days, so say no to that, if they want to come they have to stay in a hotel.

Having a party in a building site is not doable either, so say that you will happily support his party but it must be at a village hall or somewhere like that.

Bogeyface Tue 22-Jan-13 17:23:42

Incidentally I wouldnt fly halfway across the country for a 40th, and I am guessing alot of you guests wont either!

Springdiva Tue 22-Jan-13 18:04:18

Why doesn't he postpone it until the summer then everyone can camp.

If you are in the middle of nowhere there won't be hotels, B&Bs etc.

MadBusLady Tue 22-Jan-13 18:19:33

YANBU. As it stands his plan sounds completely mental, frankly. And there are lots of helpful suggestions above but TBH they are all along the same lines of helping your DH to get organised, writing him lists etc. That kind of defeats the object of him doing all the work (similar to housework really).

Are there any family you could confide in who would be invited? Maybe they could reinforce any suggestions you make about venue hire/B&Bs? And indeed it being held in summertime? If you live in a beautiful part of the world it's going to be wasted if people are cooped up all the time.

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 22-Jan-13 18:28:57


I don't think you're being selfish rather realistic.

Is it even safe to have small children camping in what sounds like a building site?

Could you look into some places to stay locally for people and say you don't mind hosting the party at your home (and that's a big ask for 100 guests!!) but they can't stay with you.

I'd then move onto suggest a nice venue in your local town near to where the people can stay.

Seriously you can not have 50 house guests and 100 guests for a party with 2 loos!

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