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To want another baby at 41

(134 Posts)
raceorama Tue 22-Jan-13 10:19:08

I have 3 dcs and would really like a forth. My DH is not so keen though to go through the baby stage again not sure if I should try to change his mind. Anyone else in similar situation.

ExpatAl Tue 22-Jan-13 21:04:58

It was offensive because you made a huge amount of sweeping statements and you've just made them again.

expatinscotland Tue 22-Jan-13 21:08:55

My grandmother first had a baby at 16. But she was widowed at 18 and her little girl died. She ws absolutely devestated and did not remarry until she was in her mid-30s. She went on to have 4 futher children, the youngest when she was 41, and then a bonus - surprise!- baby at 47!

Go for it!

Annunziata Tue 22-Jan-13 21:11:00

My mum had two babies in her forties (myself included!)

Talk to your DH. Once you have three you can cope with four!

SquinkiesRule Tue 22-Jan-13 21:19:49

Oh eggsy you don't have a clue, I and many of my older friend moms have tons of energy, we run rings around those 20 something moms.
I have some Mom friends who are in their early 30's and they were shocked when I said how old I was, they thought I was a lot younger.
I have three age 24, 18 and 8 I am 50.
Both my grandmothers had babies at 40. If you want to do it, go for it.
Our Dd is the best thing we ever did. She's a little minx some days but an absolute joy.

expatinscotland Tue 22-Jan-13 21:19:57

'I think we have the best of both worlds and I wouldn't have a child past 35.'

I thought that, too, when I was 22. Never said it, though, because even then I realised it was just my personal opinion.

I had our son, our 3rd, at 37. Dh had a vasectomy and last year, we lost our eldest child to cancer.

We're still okay with that decision, but if we won the lottery we'd have that reversed and try to have another.

So selfish of us. We're halfway towards the grave!

Incidentally, my gran who had a baby at 47 lived to be 92 and her husband, who was the same age, lived to be 90.

expatinscotland Tue 22-Jan-13 21:29:49

' Because of lack of energy and not being as in touch with your children as a young parent would be.'

Snort! My teenage nieces come to me more often than their mum (she knows) because I lead a colourful life before finally meeting a man to marry and have children with (I was shock 32 when I first was born) whereas their mum got married out of university and had them. Apparently, I can 'relate' more. I felt the same about my aunt, who was married 5 times and had one child when she was so old she was in her mid-30s! I felt I could talk to her and she would be, here's the irony for you, eggsy, so judgemental.

balia Tue 22-Jan-13 21:31:03

Think the age thing is a bit of a red herring in many ways; the OP says she is healthy, active etc. I'm just a bit shock at all the 'Go for it' posts regardless of what she has said about her DH.

DH and I had our (miracle) youngest when we were 38 (lots of m/c's) and I know he would LOVE another DC. But I don't, and I would HATE it if he put pressure on me or was told to just 'go for it' as if I didn't exist or my feelings counted for nothing.

Expat, so sorry for your loss.

expatinscotland Tue 22-Jan-13 21:32:07

I think it's assumed she won't go for it untill her husband's on board.

44SoStartingOver Tue 22-Jan-13 21:41:29

We have recently been discussing this.

Dh would like another (he is 51) I am younger (not 44!) and I just can't say yes.

I have a friend who is at 43 and seems pleased but knackered.

We also have a bereavement of a family member leaving young children.

I think babies at any age are scary, but don't think I could cope with a baby with problems. I feel we should be grateful and content.

But you are yearning. Hard for you.

howtoboilanegg Tue 22-Jan-13 21:53:43

Eggsy ask how your remarks are offensive. They are offensive because they are sweeping and untrue in how they apply to many of the people posting here.
You say 'lack of energy' of older parents. Lots of MNet have said lack of energy does not apply to them in their forties.
You say ' older parents are more out of touch with your child than a younger parent'. It may be in your sister's case, but not necessarily for others, and I certainly don't think it in my own case.
My own mother was 23 when she had me, and frankly she hadn't a clue about children growing up. You cannot generalise, and the fact that you do, shows you really don't understand.

worsestershiresauce Tue 22-Jan-13 21:56:12

Actually Eggsy you have no clue. At the ripe old age of 40 I can (well not whilst pregnant obviously) run 10km without breaking a sweat and have loads of energy. I'm not alone in that... the fittest women in my gym are in their 40s. As for being out of touch with kids, well I reckon that at 40 I have a lot more life experience, am probably calmer and less controlling than many younger mums. I've learnt so much about how not to do things through my own mistakes and those of others. I may not be a perfect mum, but I'll be every bit as good and probably better than someone younger who has a bit of growing up to do, a lot to learn about life, and the pressure of starting out in a career and finding financial stability. I've done all that.

Swings and roundabouts.

But back to the OP, I agree with those who have pointed out that both partners need to want a child to make having one a good idea.

JaneFonda Tue 22-Jan-13 22:12:18

I think YAB a bit U, but it's not really for any of us to judge.

It genuinely surprises me on here how many MNetters are so in favour of having another child in your 40s.

Perhaps a little bit more understandable if it were to be your first child, but I think it is quite selfish.

If your DH isn't keen, that is a major issue. You would also need to think about the impact on your DCs, and not only your own health, but your potential baby's health.

It does shock me how many people here are so willing to ignore the risks and are incredibly encouraging; having another baby is not like buying a pair of shoes, you shouldn't do it 'just in case' you regret not doing it in the future.

ExpatAl Tue 22-Jan-13 22:18:44

How incredibly patronising Janefonda

eggsy11 Tue 22-Jan-13 22:19:25

yes because women in their 40's have more energy than those in their 20's hmm

obviously its a general statement. There are cases and lots of 40 year olds may be fit, but younger people GENERALLY have more energy. How can anyone deny that?

No's one mentioned my friend having the mick taken and the 'help the aged' jokes he got about his mum.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 22-Jan-13 22:23:48

My mum had my sister at 41, me and my siblings were, 21 19 and 16 at the time.

fluffypillow Tue 22-Jan-13 22:27:45

I don't think 41 is too old. If both you and your DH can agree it's the right thing for your family, then go for it.

I had my sons when I was 24 and 28, and my Daughter when I was 37. I have loved the baby/toddler stage with all of them, and I certainly don't regret having a little one a bit later in life.

I always wanted a third, but never really told my DH in so many words (probably too scared he would say no!). I think he guessed how I felt though, and one day just before christmas 2009 he said ' perhaps we'll have a little one in the house this time next year?! Our DD was born 10 days after christmas the following year smile.

I knew I would never regret having a third, but would always regret not going for it. That's it for me though, I don't feel the need for a fourth!

Good luck with what ever you decide.

MrsDeVere Tue 22-Jan-13 22:29:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoInScotland Tue 22-Jan-13 22:29:13

eggsy11 My mum had her first at 16, and I (number 7) was born when she was 35 and 3 months old. I'm glad she didn't have a "no children after age 35" rule! Also, I didn't meet DP until I was 35, so I didn't have DS until I was 37. And I always run round on the soft play equipment and the playground equipment, and DP often remarks "I wonder who the bigger kid is - you or DS"

Not all older mums are tired or boring.

MrsDeVere Tue 22-Jan-13 22:31:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExpatAl Tue 22-Jan-13 22:32:13

That was then eggsy. This was the boys particular insult but what were the insults given to the other kids? I hear far crueller taunts than that. And it's parents, not just the mother.
Younger people might be fitter, but whether or not they want to expend their energy is a different matter. Same for older parents. I see plenty of fat young mothers puffing on their fags and completely ignoring their kids. Older ones too.
40 isn't so ancient that you're out of touch ffs. Anyway, kids get to a certain age and no parent is in touch. It's not appreciated.

Sabriel Tue 22-Jan-13 22:35:12

Well I had my first child at 22, and my 5th at 43. Sorry to burst your bubble Eggsy but although you may be 'in touch' with the issues of young people now, by the time your child is 13 I can guarantee you won't be. All DC1's friends thought it was great her parents were so young - she thought we were dinosaurs.

I don't recommend starting again after the children have grown up, simply because you've been used to living as a normal adult and suddenly you are frustrated by a small child again. Tho OP that isn't your case because your others are still young. Mine were 15+ when the youngest arrived.

fluffypillow Tue 22-Jan-13 22:37:30

Oh poor eggsy

You have sooooooo much to learn (especially about teenagers Ha Ha HA) grin

expatinscotland Tue 22-Jan-13 22:38:40

Hey, all you fellow fossils out there, remember when you thought 40 was old?! grin

fluffypillow Tue 22-Jan-13 22:39:42

I remember when I thought 25 was old grin

ExpatAl Tue 22-Jan-13 22:43:54

Oh so old. End of life old.

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