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To want another baby at 41

(134 Posts)
raceorama Tue 22-Jan-13 10:19:08

I have 3 dcs and would really like a forth. My DH is not so keen though to go through the baby stage again not sure if I should try to change his mind. Anyone else in similar situation.

OnwardBound Tue 22-Jan-13 10:27:56

Marking place, hpoing for some perspective or good advice.

I am in similar situation but have two DC and am 39yo.

However DH is against the idea of a third entirely, not just apprehensive about the baby stage unfortunately... Although I am not belittling your concerns but am just very despairing that DH will ever come around to my way of thinking and I desperately want a third!

FreudiansSlipper Tue 22-Jan-13 10:31:03

i am 40 and would love another baby

but i am single. could still happen for me but this time i want to have a baby with a loving supportive partner so time is running out sad

PartTimeModel Tue 22-Jan-13 10:35:44

Surely in years gone by (pre birth control being widely available perhaps?) having a baby at 41 wasn't that unusual? If you want to and you feel you can do it, then why not?

FrenchJunebug Tue 22-Jan-13 10:35:58

I had a baby at 43, my first and I am single. It was the easiest pregnancy and my son is lovely. Go for it.

Snusmumriken Tue 22-Jan-13 10:38:50

Go for it. Most of the women in my family have had babies in their 40ties. My grandmother had her last at 41.

good luck!

McNewPants2013 Tue 22-Jan-13 10:38:50

Yanbu, I don't think 41 is too old to have a baby.

I would have a long talk with DH and if no is the answer then don't push it.

broadsheetbabe Tue 22-Jan-13 10:41:56

Go for it.

I had DS2 when I was 41 - DDs were 20 and 18 and DS1 was 16!

gallifrey Tue 22-Jan-13 10:48:19

I was 39 when I fell pregnant with dd2 and was 40 when I gave birth to her.

mum2bubble Tue 22-Jan-13 10:51:01

Age isn't really a barrier for you (yet), but don't go ahead if you DH doesn't want a fourth child. Also - bear in mind you might get more than you bargained for - twins are common in later pregnancies

WaynettaSlobsLover Tue 22-Jan-13 10:52:45

You have to weigh up the pros and cons of having a baby this late before anything. Are you (and dh) really prepared to do the sleepless nights, messy weaning, separation anxiety, nursery run all over again, as well as working and fitting the baby around any hobbies or extra curricular things your other kids do? Have you thought about the potential health risks that inevitably increase after 35 and how you would cope God forbid if baby had anything wrong with him or her? My own mum around this age had to weigh it all up, and although she really did want a baby with her new partner, she decided against it in the end because she didn't want to feel knackered all over again and didn't want to be an older mum/have to deal with a higher risk pregnancy. Up to you but make sure it's well thought out and logically thought out rather than just a 'want' if you know what I mean.

DragonMamma Tue 22-Jan-13 10:55:17

My DM had my dsis when I was in my 20s and she was mid-forties. She would never ever recommend having one 'so late in life'. She loves her but at almost 50, spending weekends at kids parties and looking for family friendly holiday resorts isn't quite what she envisaged.

I think it's the gap rather than the age though, she had her life back before she started the baby days from scratch again. Maybe she wouldn't mind so much if she hadn't sniffed freedom?

scarletforya Tue 22-Jan-13 10:58:39

I had my first at 42. I felt my age during the pregnancy I must say, but it's a small price to pay for a lovely baby.

I agree with mum2bubble, only go ahead if your DH wants it! I would find this very difficult if I was on my own!

NomNomDePlumPudding Tue 22-Jan-13 11:05:30

had dd2 at 42. took 3 months to conceive.
apparently* your fertility takes a nose dive about 9/10 years before menopause, which on average is about 52, so if you are going to try, the sooner the better, i'd say. also, you need to be prepared for possible miscarriage, i know this can happen at any stage but is more likely with later pregnancies.

*this could be a medical fact or an urban myth, i am unclear as to how i came by this piece of information

Fakebook Tue 22-Jan-13 11:09:30

I don't think YABU. If you can talk your Dh around and wouldn't mind going through the baby stage again then do it.

Cakecrumbsinmybra Tue 22-Jan-13 11:12:10

Gosh, no one can say but you - I am 37 and we are considering trying for no. 3. I really don't know if I can do it all again. For practical reasons we'd need to wait til the summer and I'll be 38. At first DH didn't seem keen, and I did not want to be the one to convince him. I felt like I didn't want another baby enough to force the situation iyswim. However, I did feel sad. After a few months of thinking about it, he seems to have come to the same conclusion: that it would be amazing, but perhaps we should leave things as they are, start to travel, etc etc. But because we are now at the same point of view, I feel we are making the decision TOGETHER and it feels like either way will be OK.

Personally, I would not want to try for a baby over 40. However, I also thought that I would not want any kids over 35, and here I am considering it grin. Good luck!

MumsKnitter Tue 22-Jan-13 11:16:18

I had my fifth at 50 (IVF) last year. My others were 20,18,16 and13. I was single, so didn't have to worry about bringing a partner round to the idea, though it helped that I had the support of my other children who all thought it was a great idea, and have been very hands on helpful siblings. I have no regrets, and although it's hard work I adore my baby and wouldn't turn the clock back. My exH hadn't wanted a fourth and threw a cushion at me when I told him I was pregnant, but once the baby arrived he was fine. I was 37. He hated the baby phase, and I felt obliged to do all the nights without help as i had accidentally on purpose got pregnant (and he did realise that). This seemed to stop him resenting things. Once past babyhood, he was delighted with his son. Even though we did split 9 years later, this was unconnected with me having a fourth (it was my choice to end the marriage), and he remains close to his youngest who stays with him every weekend. I was lucky not to ruin our marriage. Having a child without my partner's permission was wrong of me, but it all worked out fine, and I have absolutely no regrets about doing it. I know of other women who have had "accidental" babies and it has sometimes been fine and other times ended badly. You really need to know your man.

howtoboilanegg Tue 22-Jan-13 11:52:19

Go for it!
I got pregnant with my fourth at 41 and had him whenI was 42. I can honestly say I have never regretted it for a single second. He is the most gorgeous child. I enjoyed every minute of his babyhood knowing he was the last...he is now 8! The others are now 11, 13 and 14.

I didn't find the late pregnancy physically tiring, or afterwards. In fact I am fitter and healthier now than I was in my thirties when I was stressed, working endlessly, eating badly and probably drinking too much.
What is harder with four DC is keeping across their lives, the constant feeding, washing etc and the expense. Also my DH and I don't get much time with each other as we had as there is always something in the way whilst the fourth DC is wonderful, it can take a toll on other areas.

imip Tue 22-Jan-13 12:21:01

Op, I had my 4th dc at 40. I figure if you really want a baby, you may as well go for it. Dh wasn't all that keen, dd3 was13 months when we started trying. I gave it a time limits but luckily fell straight away. I probably would have found it hard to stop at the time limit we imposed, but luckily we didn't have to face that. How old area your other dcs? I must say it is bloody bloody hard work, but then my 4dds are six and under. I think if your keen to go through the sleepless nights etc, then go for it! I'm finished!

FreudianLisp Tue 22-Jan-13 12:42:34

I'm 40 and desperately broody for a third. Husband says no way, even though we've got an embie on ice at the fertility clinic. I soooooooooo want another baby.

No words of wisdom, though.

An ex-colleague of mine has just retired now that he and is wife are both 60. His wife has just given birth to their first child. Yes, you did read that right. And they're apparently wondering whether they've done the right thing.

eggsy11 Tue 22-Jan-13 12:50:51

My mum was 28 when she had me, pretty much average amongst my friends (born early 90's). My friends mum had him when she was 45, constant 'help the aged' jokes the whole way through high school.

I'm now a mum at 22. I've got a degree and a career, just happened to have a baby young. When I was on mat leave at baby groups, it was so obvious who the older mums were. They never ran round on the play equipment at soft play like me and DP did, and always were so much more tired all the time.

I personally think being a youngish mum is much better. We can afford to send our son to private school in a few years when he's old enough and financially stable. we are young enough to be able to relate to his issues (I often help with conflicts with my teenage cousins and their mum as she finds it hard to understand why having new trainers is sooo important, and they find it hard to understand how much they cost). I think we have the best of both worlds and I wouldn't have a child past 35.

eggsy11 Tue 22-Jan-13 12:52:09

Wow Freudian they are 60 and they've had a baby??? It is very likely they won't live past 75, making it a max of the age of 15 before he's an orphan. That is shockingly selfish!!!!!!

Beamur Tue 22-Jan-13 12:52:36

Wow - a baby at 60!
I'm 42 and still hanker for another little one, but DP is dead set against it,we've talked about it quite lot over the last 5 years (DD is 5) but he hasn't shifted an inch. His only concession was to consider it if it was making me really miserable, but that seemed such a negative reason and I could tell he really didn't want another baby - he has 2 older children too.
I've been very unhappy, angry, resentful at times of my DSC, but am coming to a certain peace about it. DP is older than me (he's 50) and he feels it's too old for him to be doing it again, as DD is a bit older we are both able to do more in our spare time and a baby would take up so much of that spare time again. I get where DP is coming from on this as his interest is one that requires fitness and time and may be curtailed as he gets older.
If he suddenly changed his mind, I think I'd put my concerns about health/miscarriage etc to one side, but I think it would be an anxious pregnancy.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 22-Jan-13 12:55:08

How old is your youngest, OP? Are they about to start school? Think there is often a pull to have another to fill the gap. Say you conceive right away, tomorrow - still have years ahead of you repeating what you've just had with 3 DCs, are you sure you want to stay in that cycle of having such a tiny dependent infant? It is deferring saying goodbye to babyhood and yet you are always a mum no matter how big your DCs grow.

If you want a 4th, you can't help how you feel. If you are healthy and have financial security and room for another child, if the older DCs won't go without, that sounds a fair reason to talk to DH about it. But if he says no he's not wanting a 4th and is every other way being a good husband and father, I really think you have to respect that. Just my opinion, I hope you work things out.

PS I toyed with the idea of a 3rd but we both weighed it up and decided against. Just before getting peri menopausal I felt a passing regret but it was right for us all. If I had felt passionately about a 3rd I would have obsessed and pushed but at what cost to our marriage, I can't say.

Pigsmummy Tue 22-Jan-13 13:50:30

I hope to have my 2nd when I am 40, I just turned 38 and have a 3 month old. Plan to ttc 2nd from next birthday. I think that 40 isnt old, will a 4th change the dynamics of the family? Finances? Childcare etc if so then you need to consider everything carefully, live a couple of days imagining a forth child around.

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