To think this was not an unreasonable request...(51 Posts)
My mum and younger sister have found it funny over the last few weeks to teach DS to say 'shit'. I don't find it funny in the slightest. We weren't brought up to swear (i do, like a trooper but never in front of DS) anyway I've asked them repeatedly not to do it, said I don't want it etc etc.
Tonight DS was jumping around saying 'shit' he was obviously doing it to get attention, I was busy in the kitchen while DP was messing about in there too. DP stopped and said 'who has taught him that?' I said to ignore it as he was trying to get a reaction.
Now here I was being UR as I didn't say I knew where it came from but I've had so many issues with DPs family that I just thought it wasn't worth it. Wrong but easy.
Anyway mum is supposed to have DS tomorrow so I just texted to say that DP has now heard DS saying it and could they please stop it as DP was angry and I don't like it either.
The reply was 'he needs to get a grip'
To which I said no, not really it shouldn't be happening. I pointed out that if it had come from his family she'd be telling to keep him away.
To which she replied that heaven forbid his perfect family did that.
Which is crazy as I have nothing to do with them.
My second mistake was to text this conversation.
But really? Was I so wrong to ask?
This thread makes us sound so rough, really we aren't! I don't know why they do this!!
I'm amazed that they find this funny. Would your dm have liked her mother to teach you to swear? Somehow I doubt it. I dont think you are BU to ask that they stop this game either. Also, it has nothing to do with your DP's family so I can't see why your dm brought this up.
I'm in a similar situation so far as language is concerned because I'm a grandmother to a 2 year old. However, we are scrupulously careful about the language used in front of my dgd because she picks up any new words immediately. It honestly isn't amusing to hear a child of this age swear and I'm absolutely astonished that any grandparent would think it appropriate to encourage swearing.
If your dm isn't prepared to be responsible and accept that you don't want your ds picking up bad language then it might well be that she doesn't see him unsupervised. But how sad that she can't accept how inappropriately she's behaving over this.
I'd be a bit worried about how they view your ds to be honest. It sounds like they are treating him as some sort of parrot - 'aw cute, what else can we get him to say' type of thing.
It is utterly bizarre behaviour and will be detrimental to your ds's life as he attempts to make friends. Other mums will worry about him playing with their dc's if he's coming out with that sort of language.
I can't think why they would do it but if I were you I would put my foot down. Certainly if my family were behaving like this they would be told that unless they stopped then they wouldn't be seeing him.
My dm treats my dc's differently to how I would, she gives them extra treats and lets them stay up later however I don't mind this. I asked that they not have fizzy drinks and she has never given them any. I think that there has to he some give and take with gp's as they form their own relationship with their gc but this would be crossing the line for me.
Well, I called my mum this morning. And it went as expected, I explained that nursery was open so I would be taking DS. Also that I was upset by her reaction to my text last night, that DP certainly didn't need to get a grip and would my dad or grandad need to get a grip if they were upset that DS had swore (they certainly would be upset) apparently this is not the point, that she's sorry that DP is such the 'perfect father' and that she has news we aren't perfect parents, some of the things that I say to DS are disgusting, when I questioned this she said that he shouldn't be taught the word 'bogies' I mean bogies? Really?
Anyway it ended with her screeching down the phone about me making her sick and hanging up on me.
No I remember why I started the conversation by text.
I want to know where my mum has gone. I used to have a normal, a bit over protective, straight laced, caring mother. Now I seem to have this new one and I don't like her.
This is not your fault, your mother's behaviour is awful, as is her reaction. She appears to be trying to sabotage your family life, for some reason; jealousy?
Has anyone else noticed a change in her behaviour and attitudes? Has she mentioned she's been falling out with friends, for example?
My god, that's terrible. What an unhinged reaction.
What do you think is going on for her? Can you think of anything that might account for this change?
Sorry you are dealing with this. Stick to your guns.
She is suffering with depression and anxiety, I didn't mention that as I don't think that excuses the swearing thing.
She doesn't really have friends, every close friendship she has had has gone sour, this has been the case for years. I've posted on this before but she doesn't seem to have a good word to say about anyone any more.
These arguments happen all the time, I end up upset, she never admits she's been in the wrong and somehow I end up apologising.
She's supposedly finally getting help with the MH issues but they seem to be getting worse. She doesn't think she is ill, just that everyone is out to get her.
You have done the right thing today. DS will forget the word altogether if he doesn't hear it again.
DM on the other hand. I'd leave her to cool down first. Then reapproach in a few days. She needs to know it'd be a shame if she can't see DS due to bad judgement on her part.
Her possible MH doesn't in any way exonerate DSIS though. So don't forget to read the riot act there too.
Your mum and sister are totally in the wrong here. Even if they'd mistakenly thought it was funny at the time they should have apologised as soon as you got in touch to say how upset you were.
My mum/sister/brother would never in a million years behave the way your family has, there is nothing funny about a child swearing.
If I were you I'd cool the relationships and would not be leaving my child there unaccompanied.
No, you're absolutely right: her MH issues don't excuse her at all.
Please don't end up apologising this time - you are 100% right. Perhaps cool things off. Don't budge until she agrees never to use that word with DS again.
You have absolutely done the right thing, and you are right that your mother's issues do not excuse the behaviour. You have made no mistakes so assure yourself that you are doing your best for your son.
If he keeps saying it, have you tried teaching him a different word? Maybe one that sounds as dramatic but is not rude? Like Shazam or something? And if he says that then you could react (so he says it for attention) but at least other people won't mind.
My nephew went through a sweary phase and we got around this by teaching him a daft but non-cursing word.
Or if you're in a really bad mood you could teach him to say Fuck Off Nana
I agree with the others that your mother crossed a NO line. You asked her not to teach your DS swear words and she ignored you.
As for your little one, well, we had a lovely Goan man working for us once and he'd talk about a 's**t of paper'. Turning that round, if your DS didn't know the meaning of the word, could you get him to talk about 'sheets'? Explain to him what they are - what you have on your bed, what you draw on at the table, what a huge towel in the bathroom is.
So sorry that you're having to deal with this. Can you talk to your dad about it? You said "would my dad or grandad need to get a grip if they were upset that DS had swore (they certainly would be upset)", which suggests they would be on your side on this matter. Do you think your dad could get it across to her just how unreasonable she is being?
I would be inclined to keep my distance from her for a while. You bear far more responsibility towards your DS than you do to your mum. He comes first, and you are right to consider how this could affect him. YOU come second, and being with her is doing you no favours - you feel on edge all the time. Do NOT feel guilty about this.
Exactly how young is your younger sister? Because she's doing this too, and it's very teenager-y (my DS's best friend was taught the word 'fuck' aged about 7 by his
fuckwitted 18 year old brother).
i swear like a sailor, but I would absolutely not tolerate that. Its not funny, its not doing him any favours and will ruin his reputation.
I would not let my small children play with a child that had been taught to swear.
I would not let them near my dcs
Poor you ,this sounds like a horrible situation . You say your mother has MH problems , is there a possibility that she has early onset of dementia as sometimes this can cause massive changes in people's personalities . In the mean time I would not , if I were you , allow your mum to look after your son.
YANBU. At all. I would be incredibly angry, not just that my wishes were being ignored, but at the ridiculous self justification that came afterwards. I would not take my children anywhere near these people until they can apologise and learn to repect your wishes.
I would feel like addressing her as Mrs Cunty Cunt in future, but I know this is childish
I'd text her again 'Mum you know deep down that it's not right to teach a toddler to swear. Do buzz when you are more accepting of the way I want to parent'
Sounds like your mum is trying to cause trouble between you and your partner and inlaws. Some of the things you mention sound like jealousy. It doesn't excuse her behaviour though. Id back off for a while. Let her think about what's she done and why its bad.
YANBU at all. Your DS is 2 and they're teaching him to swear? That's awful. That's enemy action, not what someone who loves you would do.
I find it interesting that when you pointed out to your Mum how much she'd object if one of your DH's family had taught your DS to swear she replied "heaven forbid his perfect family did that."
Suggests that your Mum & sister may feel your DH (and by extension you and your DS) are a bit snooty and need taking down a peg. Are they a bit envious perhaps? Certainly this effort to downgrade your child's language -- which will affect how you & DH are perceived as parents -- is extremely hostile.
I honestly wouldn't let any adult who thought that was funny look after my child at all.
You're mother needs to grow up! Why would anyone find teaching a child to swear funny?
Thanks all, this advice is great.
My younger sister is mid 20's so not a teenager.
I tried to call my sister but had no reply but imagine my mum will have spoken to her.
My mum does help me with occasional child care but I'm going to cut that down, I'm also going to keep my distance for a few week.
I'm using my phone so can't read and type but the poster who mentioned dementia, this is something I've thought of too, there's been other arguments caused by my mum 'forgetting' things but then swearing she didn't know or that I'd said something different. For example she was looking after DS for a doctors appointment I had when I said I'd bring him down at 9.45 for my 10.30 appointment, when she claimed I'd said it was at 13.00, she just couldn't accept she had made a mistake, (the appointing letter had been stuck on my fridge weeks so I know I'd said the right time) even when I said look Its fine you have a lot on you've just forgotten, she still insisted I was wrong. In the end I just said 'ok I must have said the wrong time'
Reading this I would think 'why does she leave a child with her' and truthfully at times like this I don't know, then other times she's absolutely fine, perfect nana.
Really sorry your mum doesn't believe she's got MH problem. But until she's started to properly address this and seek treatment, I'd plan to not leave ds in her sole care, or in the care of your sis if she was likely to be present.
We used to leave ddtwins with my mum occasionally, she is entirely trustworthy. But we had to stop as she had allowed my dbro to stay with her and he was an alcoholic who refused to accept he had a problem. Sometimes he was lovely, but once he hurt dd1 by playing with her far too roughly. He thought it was funny and I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt her, he was never a violent drunk, but she was badly bruised and very scared. So my children and my nephews and nieces too have missed a lot of Granny Time. We do go round now, but that's because he's dead .
Sorry meant to bold he in the fourth line down.
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