To not invite MIL to baby shower?

[Mixxy]

Since I became pregnant my MIL has been her usual interfering, domineering self. We wanted to wait until 14 weeks before announcing the pregnancy, she took it upon herself to announce it at a family BBQ neither myself nor my husband were able to attend. I'm living in the US where my husband is from: land of the baby shower. Where I'm from, buying stuff for the baby before he or she is born is considered extremely bad luck. She told me that was nonsense and that I was "in America now" and mocked my cultural background. I managed to avoid a shower before the baby is born but she bought loads of clothes for the child and brought them into our apartment. My husband thinks we should be grateful for the help, I think she's being very insensitive and should back off.

Anyway, some friends of mine (a mixture of where I'm from and my American friends) are throwing me a shower after the baby is born. AIBU not not invite my MIL? I'm not inviting any of my in-laws tbh, but MIL will strike up a drama for the ages if she finds out.

[StraightTalkinSheila]

No, because you're not throwing it, your friends are. She can huff and puff all she likes, but all you need to say is that you weren't responsible for the guest list.

[Mixxy]

He tends to try to keep the peace, but really I think he lets her push him around. I find it a bit weird, but that doesn't really impact me. He says things like, "She's just excited about the baby, is all". I beg to f'ing differ. She got her nose out of joint when I politely turned down her offer of a second hand bassinet and stroller that she had somewhere from about 11 years ago. (Baby will be in a co- sleeper as I will be breast feeding and I had already picked out a Bugaboo that I wanted). I came back from work to find the second hand basinet in the nursery. She told me that she didn't care for me or the baby as I had killed any interest she had in the pregnancy as I had ruined everything for her by spurning her help. She has 4 children and 2 other grandchildren.

[ApocalypseThen]

I think you both sound as self centered, self righteous and controlling as each other. Men marrying their mothers - no joke.

[lisianthus]

Wow, she doesn't have any respect for your views at all, does she? If she can bring things you have told her you dont want into your home, you are free to charity shop them. I am at the "you're in America now" statement! And what Euphemia said.

[diddl]

If you don´t want a baby shower-really, don´t have one.

Why can´t friends just pop by with a pressie if they want & a chat??

I do agree that if you´re not holding it then it´s not really up to you who to invite-unless host asks you.

I don´t see that you have to do everything different just because you´re in another country.

Also, why should you be grateful for any old dross that is handed on??

[Diddydollydo]

That whole 'men marry their mothers' thing is the biggest load of crap. Not all men are idiots.

OP you are def NBU.

[Mixxy]

lisianthus I think you're right with the idea that she doesn't respect any of my views. It might come from the age gap between me and the rest of my in laws. I'm 32, my MIL is 80. Her eldest grandchild ( my niece ) is just 5 years younger than me. There's 12 years between me and my husband. MIL treats me like a child.

[ZillionChocolate]

Er, or she's just rude. Some people of that age are capable of respecting your views so there's no reason why she can't. At the very least, she could roll her eyes and bite her tongue at your new fangled/foreign ideas.

Tell your friends you wouldn't enjoy her presence.

[PureQuintessence]

Your Mil is rude. Nothing to do with age, just personality I fear.

Even my 86 year old dad is perfectly capable to be courteous and respectful to young people, even young people who is now working in the field my dad was working in his entire life and just retired from 10 years ago. He listens to do with eager and encouraging curiosity, with no need to "show off" his knowledge. Please dont blame it on your mils age.

A good thing that you "killed her interest" if this is what her interest is like. Dont feel bad for not inviting her to baby shower. She has had her kids, and already has grandkids. If she is not able to let you have your excitement and plan for your child, then you need to ensure she is kept away until she realizes you are the mother and in charge.

Out of interest, what is she like with your sisters in law, and their children?

[ooer]

Maybe you should cut her some slack as she's pretty old and one does get set in one's ways rather [gimmer]

Doesn't mean you have to do what she wants, but if you are just a little bit understanding you might be able to cope with the odd things she does without getting angry about it.

And YANBU about the baby shower. Just tell her it's for the young people, who organised it specially for you for after the baby's birth, that's the way you prefer it but you know she doesn't believe in that as she gave you stuff before the birth, right? [smiles sweetly]

[Mixxy]

I didn't see her involvement with the eldest grandchild ( my eldest niece, who is just a few years younger than me) but with the younger grand daughter she bemoans how much the child weighs to me and my husband ( behind my bil and sils back) and says things like "you MUST be full by now" to her. She does 'kind' things like brought her on vacation and adopted her a kitten to bring home to her parents without running it by them first. My SIL and BIL all sympathize with me, but they live out of state.

[pumpkinsweetieMasPudding]

Yanbu, your friends are organising the party so i assume they wouldn't invite her anyway.
No matter what the age family & friends should respect your decisions, that includes mils!
I can't believe she was brazzen enough to announce your pregnancy for you
It's for you & your dh to announce, not her!

[littlemonkeychops]

Pretend it wad a surprise baby shower and you didn't know? You shouldn't feel obliged to have anyone there who might upset you.

And i agree your DH needs to step up a bit.

[zipzap]

Every time she goes against what you discussed with her...
' ooh mil don't you remember? We already talked about this and I told you I dont want the bassinet / [insert whatever she's done here]. But you seem to have forgotten. Again. This is getting very worrying, especially at your age. Let's make an appointment at the doctor's to get you checked out for altzheimers.'

And then just keep repeating it every time she does something like this - and the more she does it the more you can get worried and the more she is proving that you are right.

Especially say it when there are others in the room so they start to notice a pattern. And ask dh's siblings if they have noticed it too. All done ever so nicely and worried/concerned about your mil so nobody can accuse you of being nasty.

At the very least it should stop her from doing things to contradict you to stop you making these remarks!

[Mixxy]

I see what you mean ooer about trying to understand her and to relax. Think I made the mistake in letting her help organize the wedding though. See I didn't really care too much about the wedding details but she wanted a big party and for me to wear a white dress and all this other hoopla. She had had a hip replacement that year and lost her sister, and planning the wedding seemed to cheer her up. We paid for everything but she got to make all the decisions, what I wore, where we had it, bridesmaids, who was invited etc. She didn't come to the actual ceremony at City Hall because that part bored her, but she enjoyed her starring role at the party.

That's all fine and good for a wedding, because I'm pretty easy about things like that. My child, however, I do care about. And while I would love share the joy with family she's making it very hard by not respecting any of my wishes. I mean, we didn't even get to announce our own pregnancy...

[PureQuintessence]

Yes zipzap, why dont OP go and engage in a bit of gaslighting while we are at it? Nothing like adding a bit of emotional abuse to the mix?

My mum Alzheimers, it is a horrible illness, I dont recommend throwing about insults like this lightheartedly in a smug manner like just advised down thread. It is terrible advice. Suggesting to an elderly lady that she has a rapidly progressing illness affecting her brain and mental capacity is beyond the pale.
And op will not win any favours with your other inlaws, if the mil is telling her family that op keeps waiving Alzheimers at her. I hope op has more sense than this!

She is rude, keep her at arms length. Dont go and engage with her in this manner.

It certainly wont help the day the old lady shows signs of actual illness, and you might need to get her to a doctor for a diagnosis of this that or the other.

[fatcuntroller]

It's a surprise baby shower and the guest list is nothing to do with you. Simple.

[FelicityWasCold]

Your MIL chose your wedding dress?

Will DH consider moving away from her? I'm appalled.

[PureQuintessence]

I suggest you dont keep her in the loop of everything!
All well and good that she organized her wedding, because you were ok with that. But she needs to know that your child is different. Here you do care, and you need to do this your way.

[megglevache]

Your dh needs to grow a pair and tell her when to back off. He sounds just like how my dh used to be

You need to be very firm and set boundries very early on. Treat her like a petulant toddler and she will get the message. If not your confidence will slowly die and your relationship will suffer for it. I am speaking from experience and I feel I wasted years keeping my mouth shut and trying to keep the peace and I'm an assertive person believe it or not- kind but assertive.

I could write a book with 3 volumes about just how manipulative, nasty and selfish both my in laws were and there came a point in mine and dh's relationship where it was the only thing we rowed about.

Our situation got so bad when they tried to emotionally damage/play my children that I cut them off once and for all and amazingly dh did so a few months later.

I wish you well with the birth and those precious first days Mixxy. Please have some kind of plan in place so you can have peace- then you will be fine.

[TheFallenNinja]

To be fair, something in America that is 11 years old is regarded as a treasured antique, however as I speak the queens English I would imagine a bassinet to be a small basin. Wholly inappropriate for a baby to sleep in.

Stand up to her, chuck it out, get your own stuff.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Fuck me, is your husband called Howard Wolowitz? He needs to grow up. ANd how did that bassinet get into your house at all? Either she has a key (change the locks!) or he allowed it in, knowing you didn't want it. A little respect for your opinions wouldn't go amiss from him either ...