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To have shouted at a women in the Asda toilet

(426 Posts)
pinkmagic1 Sun 20-Jan-13 20:11:36

Was in Asda this morning getting a bit of shopping for my nan and my 8 year old ds decided he needed the loo. Sometimes he uses the mans but sometimes he prefers to come with me into the ladies. I personally don't see a problem with this, he is only 8 ffs. However there was a women in there who whilst my ds was washing his hands and after looking at him like something she had scraped off the bottom of her shoe asked me how old my ds was. I told her he is 8, she then proceeded to tell me it was terrible that I should let him use the ladies and he should be able to manage perfectly well on his own! She then made a speedy exit and I shouted after her 'mind your own business you miserable cow!' I was really shook up by the whole incident but aibu?

holidaysarenice Mon 16-Sep-13 15:22:33

With all these parents not letting their boys go to the gents, why do I soso rarely see boys in the ladies?

Or is this just one of the mumsnet things?

SlobAtHome Mon 16-Sep-13 10:59:46

YABU, an 8 year old can manage the toilets at scool and could in asda too. I would be irritated by someone letting an 8 year old in tbh. It says female on the door so either take him to a unisex toilet or suck it up and send him to the male toilets.

8 is not a baby ffs.

nightcircus Mon 16-Sep-13 10:16:30


I'm talking about whether you'd feel comfortable with it. Say if no urinals. As a safety issue and 'pleasant environment' issue not as a gender identity issue.
My younger brother hated men's toilets as a child as they are dirtier and smellier. I was lucky enough to be female!

The majority of sah parents are female so there will always be more safer adults in female facilities. Even in terms of helping use hand dryers/ turn taps on.
Think it's prob easier to let girls get on with it for that reason too. In male changing rooms likely to be more lone males.

cupcakeicing Mon 16-Sep-13 10:04:12

I had this in M&S quite recently. I dont let my DS who is 9 use mens loos on own. Unfortunately am too knowledgeable re some motives some men have for hanging around shopping centre toilets.

Mumsyblouse Mon 16-Sep-13 10:00:26

Those saying 8 is old enough would you let your 8 year old daughters go in the men's toilets alone? At this age I see no difference in children's gender. My girls would never go in a men's toilet aged 8 of course they have a very strong sense of their own gender and I've taught them to look for the signs on the doors (pictures, funny signs, written ones) so they know which to enter.

My husband has not been allowed into the female changing room at the swimming baths since they were 7- the eldest changed the youngest and managed just fine. He was a SAHD so had to learn to let the children cope pretty early on as most women do not want an adult male in their toilets and taking a girl past the urinals is much more obviously problematic than taking a boy into the ladies. He was given a RADAR key on this basis as there were no changing facilities in the mens and no family rooms in our local swimming pool or gym and he applied on this basis when the youngest was a baby (gave it back once old enough to go in by theirselves).

Morloth Mon 16-Sep-13 10:00:05

Most of the time DS1 goes into the mens (he is 9).

But every now and again my personal risk assessment overrides his objections and he comes in with me.

It doesn't actually matter to me how other people feel about this, there is no law, so I will do what is best for my son.

People who don't like it, can get knotted.

Funnily enough, no-one has ever said a word. This is probably because I work out. wink

nightcircus Mon 16-Sep-13 09:55:44

Council changing rooms at the pool round here have cut of age 8 for single sex changing rooms. However, there is still a family option.

nightcircus Mon 16-Sep-13 09:53:52

They could do with family toilets or unisex I guess.
Men's toilets are smellier, likely to have less parents in (generally midweek) and more child abusers are male,

Those saying 8 is old enough would you let your 8 year old daughters go in the men's toilets alone? At this age I see no difference in children's gender.
10/11 yes maybe.

thegreylady Mon 16-Sep-13 09:52:02

My dgs will be 7 tomorrow and has just started wanting to use the gents. He will take his 4 year old brother with him but the little one does not go in alone. A lot depends on where the toilet is. Our Tesco has only one large lavatory room for each sex so no problem. If there are urinals or the place looks yukky it is the Ladies for him whatever he wants.

TheUnsinkableTitanic Mon 16-Sep-13 09:49:03


Mumsyblouse Mon 16-Sep-13 09:45:09

I also find it a bit odd that the general consensus on MN towards playing out and having sleepovers (when far more likely long periods alone with males in the house you may not know) is so positive. I think two min, with you outside, in a public toilet is much less of a risk for abuse than sending your child aged 6 overnight to stay at someone's house who you have cups of tea with but really don't know their sister's boyfriend/who is in the house, but people (like myself) who aren't keen on primary age sleepovers are seen as neurotic, whereas I find not letting an 8 year old boy (nt) into a man's toilet to be neurotic in the extreme.

Mumsyblouse Mon 16-Sep-13 09:42:08

I think 8 is exactly the age you should start letting your child go in the appropriate toilet on their own. In a couple of years time, they may be going to school independently for a couple of hours on public transport, when they will need to use the loos on a station/bus station/at school or may be going out with their friends. Far better to send them in and hover for a couple of minutes outside (you can even shout in for better security) and teach them what to do if approached than go with them til age 11 and then let them loose on the world.

I think the examples of abuse in toilets are red herrings really, because sadly children are abused in nurseries, while playing at other children's houses, at sleepovers, even at school or church. You can't follow your child around all the time once they are 8/9/10, you need to start increasing their independence. This is why it is better to start early with small baby steps (so going in by self with mum outside, instructions on what to do if anyone speaks or ever lays a hand on you or invites you somewhere).

Lambsie Mon 16-Sep-13 09:29:16

My son is nearly 7 and has to come in with me because I can't leave him safely on his own. If there is a disabled toilet we can use that but otherwise I have no choice.

burberryqueen Mon 16-Sep-13 08:59:53

i used to take my son into the ladies, what is a mum to do?
poor boy was in such a habit of it that once at a wedding he wandered into the ladies only to get water thrown over him and a mouthful from some teenage girls!! He used the men's after that grin
YANBU op but no need for the shouting really.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum Mon 16-Sep-13 08:55:18

Taking your lad into the loo at 8? Not a problem, for all the se sinks reasons outlined above.

Calling her a 'miserable cow'? Horrible phrase. Unhinged and rather common.

Apologising for making her feel uncomfortable would have been far better mannered.

Ledkr Mon 16-Sep-13 08:50:28

I'm just confused as to why it bothers people so much.
You wee in cubicles so nobody sees anything.
I don't like older boys in communal changing rooms but I'm not bothered about loos cos I'm fully clothed.
His do you cope in Europe where there are often unisex toilets?

MaidOfStars Mon 16-Sep-13 08:42:43

intitgrand It is a Ladies toilets and therefore for females only!!It doesn't matter whether you think this is right, wrong or are indifferent.It is the rule.

What do you do if there is a sign to say that a male cleaner is currently in the ladies?

GobbySadcase Mon 16-Sep-13 08:39:00

This is why I have a RADAR key.
Both my boys have ASD and at nearly 10 and 8 years of age they're unreliable as to whether or not they'd cope. It's a gamble whether or not the hand dryers will trigger a meltdown and for DS2 his joints in his hands are so loose he can't operate the push down taps (he can't write either to give context).

They need a lot of support in the loo and the tuts in the ladies became unbearable (despite it being really obvious there's an issue with DS2, his ASD is far from 'invisible').

SamHamwidge Mon 16-Sep-13 08:32:49

I do think 8 is a little old. There comes a point where it doesn't really look suitable depending on your DS size etc. I might have felt a bit uncomfortable too, but the other woman was being a bit U to just.not keep her trap shut about it.

Morgause Mon 16-Sep-13 08:15:41

How old will he be before you let him use the gents?

I think 8 is plenty old enough to use the right supermarket toilet if you are nearby outside.

Ledkr Mon 16-Sep-13 08:10:53

Child abuse doesnt work like children of any age are often too terrified to scream. If only I were that simple.
Anyway, even if they did scream the trauma will have already been Inflicted.
I always used my best judgement with my 3ds.
If the loos were very busy then fine or if the were not too many corridors and doors between me and the cubicles.

ProudAS Sun 15-Sep-13 22:23:29

The child abused in the toilet was aged 4 not 8 and too young to have been in the gents alone (I'm not saying that the OP's DS is or isn't).

I would hope that an 8 year old would know to yell , run and tell if a stranger did something inappropriate although each parent knows their DC best.

Ledkr Sun 15-Sep-13 19:43:22

intit do you pee with the door open then?

intitgrand Sun 15-Sep-13 18:28:05

It is a Ladies toilets and therefore for females only!!It doesn't matter whether you think this is right, wrong or are indifferent.It is the rule.Most people might turn a blind eye to little ones say under 5 or 6, who may not be able to manage on their own, but this doesn't apply to your DS!!

A child was sexually assaulted in our local ASDA toilets. link

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