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To limit DH to £50 per week?

(260 Posts)
MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 16:25:36

Name changer - Inspired a bit by another thread, i am now wondering if i am being controlling.

I am a sahm and DH either works from home (all Jan) or into central London (2 hr commute). If DH is at home he will go to the co-op (which is very expensive i think) for something to eat when we have a kitchen full of stuff. He will return with snacks/lunch which adds up to about £10. He also will pop to wetherspoons in the morning for breakfast, which is about a fiver and often go to costa for a break in the avo for coffee and a cake. If he is at the office he can spend about £30 on breakfast, lunch and snacks/drinks.

I appreciate he just wants to get out of the house/office and we can afford it some months - If it means he gets ALL the money left over after bills and we don't save or put anything away for holidays. But most months he draws on our savings account as he has gone overdrawn.

I have suggested we both draw out £50 per week for our 'extras'. He thinks this is wildly unrealistic and is bristling with me when i have suggested he cannot use the savings account as a slush fund for £100 here and there when he goes overdrawn.

I want us to start living within our means but DH feels that he earns a good salary and should be allowed to buy coffee when he wants it (sounds reasonable but when you add it up it is shock ). We now have an issue where i am restricting myself to accommodate his spending. My MA will stop next month so we need to be even tighter with ourselves.

I wish i didn't have to try to control his spending but i am really worried - despite him earning a decent wage. Our outgoings appear to be huge and we are hemorrhaging money sad

So AIBU to give him a budget?

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 16:52:39

He has dyslexia and finds sums confusing. He is also 'on the spectrum' as it were. Which is why cash works best as card payments just don't seem to register.

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 16:54:34

He also is a greedy pig!! smile So lunch at pizza express with colleagues will be with starters, main and pudding!

Matildaduck Sun 20-Jan-13 16:55:00

£30 a day is 9k a year ( give or take) what is this as a % of your income?

What could that buy you?

That would be the basis of my discussion. He needs to grow up.

Trills Sun 20-Jan-13 16:56:39

It sounds like you need a rather different thread - "How do I teach DH (who has these specific issues) to budget better?" or "Advice from those with children/partners on the autistic spectrum on teaching budgeting"

Why you didn't think that was worth mentioning in the first place I have no idea...

Kat101 Sun 20-Jan-13 16:59:17

Would getting rid of the cash savings help? Put the money into a bond investment - something low risk where the money is accessible in emergencies but not accessible on a monthly basis?

Or would he not understand?

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 16:59:42

It's the same as holidays. he loves skiing and insists we go every year to Canada. This is nice but i would rather a cheaper beach hol in an apartment somewhere. But it's skiing or nothing, and if i say no he still wants to go alone.

Before DS it was fine, with my salary (rubbish) and no kids we broke even. But i can't convince him things must change.

zukiecat Sun 20-Jan-13 17:03:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 17:03:59

I'm really sorry Trills, he does have issues (i didn't mention it to start as he's not diagnose aspergers but often it gets mentioned by everyone who meets him so i thought it may describe his ways easier - i have a wriggling ds in my arms and i'm not being very coherent - sorry again) but he functions very well in a lot of aspects and i'm not sure if a lot of it is a total refusal to accept things have to change.

Viviennemary Sun 20-Jan-13 17:07:21

I think he is spending too much on snacks. He should be allowed to buy a coffee when he wants but not have breakfast and lunch out if you can't afford to do that every day and a lot of people can't. £100 a week is far too much spending money. I know one coffee adds up. But on the other hand I wouldn't be pleased if somebody told me I couldn't have a coffee when I wanted one. So he has to cut down in general.

As somebody said upthread you need to reach an agreement on spending money that suits you both. That is the only answer.

Trills Sun 20-Jan-13 17:09:14

If you hadn't mentioned his issues I would be coming down on the side of "he is a selfish twat".

It's still possible that he is using "I don't understand" as an excuse to get away with being a selfish twat.

As long as he gets to spend what he likes and do as he likes and go on the holidays he likes he doesn't care if you go short.

You have tried to explain to him how it is unfair and he just says "I don't understand" and takes money out of savings without discussing it with you.

He needs to try to sort it out. Even if he does find sums hard. He could put himself on a budget, take out an amount and say "I will not get out any more money until next week". A few days of not being able to buy coffee because he has spent all his spends will most likely kickstart the part of his brain that says "do I want X now, or Y later, because I can't have both". He can teach himself to do this, if he tries.

But he's not even willing to try.

MissMarplesMaid Sun 20-Jan-13 17:13:33

Sorry to be suspicious but are you sure he is spending like this on breakfast/coffee/snacks out? IME these are calorie bombs and he should be the size of a house if he is having this every day.

Would it help to point out to him that eating all of this stuff is really unhealthy?

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 20-Jan-13 17:13:39

I'd be very cross if my partner said he was going to give up work and then told me i couldnt spend my own money as I saw fit despite being the only person bringing an income in.

Childcare is expensive and you may be moving but it doesnt sound like your DH had any say in you deciding not to work. Childcare costs are a household expense and drop after a while. You can also work around at night and weekends to avoid them

As grown ups you should have a conversation and agree a budget you are both happy with rather than dictate how he spends his earnings.

StuntGirl Sun 20-Jan-13 17:18:32

Koala you seem to have a lot of problems here. I would very much advise against trying for another baby in these circumstances. You are about to find yourself stranded in a foreign country with no friends, family, support network or finances.

He seems very selfish and unaccommodating. I don't know how you can get across to him that his spending habits as they are are unsustainable. We do all our budgeting in an excel spreadsheet, could you show him projections of what will happen to your finances if he continually spends more than he actually has? Has he said why he thinks its fair he gets to spend so much money on frivolities when it means leaving you and your children with nothing?

pregnantpause Sun 20-Jan-13 17:19:54

I still think he's a selfish twat even if he is on the spectrum.

Inability to master sums is one thing, but becoming whiny and self pitying when challenged 'whats the point of working if I can't have a coffee?!) suggests that he is petty and selfish, understands perfectly but will lay on the guilt if you push him on it.

50 pound spent in how many days? How many coffees is that? can't get a cup of coffee my arse. £50 a week is more than a cup of coffee a day.What does he say when you point out that his £100 a week leaves you with 0 a week? or does he claim not to understand that part, I imagine that's about the point the self pitying am drams come into playangry

go back to work, why would your wage pay for childcare and not his?

(Btw the skiing holiday issue is also very selfish of him and smacks of a selfish wanker if ever there was one)

rainrainandmorerain Sun 20-Jan-13 17:20:37

Very interesting that this thread so far is mostly disapproving of the working male parent spending cash unnecessarily.... but on the other thread, where the working parent was female and wanted her sahd partner to be more thrifty, the op was getting a pasting and people were saying how unreasonable she was.


One problem you have op is that ds is not seeing these things (readymade food, cafe eating) as a luxury, and you are (and I agree with you btw). He is seeing them as minor necessities. I think everyone had a blind spot like that tbh, whether it is haircuts and colors, or spending money on stationery. One person's luxury is someone else's necessity.

So unless you can get your dp to see this as just part of staying inside your budget - same as not spending money on new clothes you don't need, or impulse buying a ton of make up or books - then you're on a hiding to nothing. It's a tough one.

StuntNun Sun 20-Jan-13 17:21:36

My DH and I have a budget of £100 per month each but he always goes over or buys things that 'don't count'. I just have to hope that it's cut his spending a little. I actually find it liberating because I know that's my money to fritter away as I see fit so if I want to buy myself a Subway for lunch then it's no problem. Otherwise I would probably be miserable watching every penny.

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 17:22:24

happymum - you are way off. it was his decision too. he wants us to move to the states too and knows i can't work out there.

Ragwort Sun 20-Jan-13 17:23:14

Koala please don't even think about having another baby with this man child until you can resolve these financial issues.

StuntGirl Sun 20-Jan-13 17:30:45

You're not going to be able to work in the states? OP, what situation are you getting yourself in here sad

Timetoask Sun 20-Jan-13 17:31:29

Op, I haven't read the replies, but I think your suggestion of £50per week is extremely reasonable. Nobody needs that much coffee!
DH and i take £150 each per MONTH for little extras and treats, more than enough.

ShellyBoobs Sun 20-Jan-13 18:06:21

I'm utterly stunned at him spending £30 per day!! on breakfast/lunch/snacks/drinks.

I would be gutted to realise I'd spent anywhere near that on day-to-day sundries, even though we could easily afford it without any effect on our lives.

You are not even close to being able to afford it and yet he still does that? confused

The fact that it's your DH earning the money is neither here nor there; it's unaffordable!

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 18:09:02

we have to go for his work so neither of us have much of a choice. but the thing is he earns a decent salary so we could live what i consider comfortably. it's just as the poster up thread says - he sees these as essentials. He wouldn't care if i spent the same and we went even more overdrawn btw. he say's 'i've got to eat' and 'i wont go hungry' but if i'm out and hungry i buy a cheap egg mayo sandwich from m&s and always carry snacks etc.

also i am worried about his health. he is a big bloke and 17st now.

he has said he will 'try' but as i said he tried last week and it wasn't very successful. i will persevere. i just feel mean as he does work so hard.

he can be selfish - he lived alone for along time before me so is trying to carry on the only way he knows i think. i can be stubborn too - i feel as tho he should do this automatically. i am giving up a lot for his career so i feel i should have a say in what i consider joint finances.

ShellyBoobs Sun 20-Jan-13 18:09:58

I'd be very cross if my partner said he was going to give up work and then told me i couldnt spend my own money as I saw fit...

It's not just his money though, is it? It's their money at the moment as it's needed for bills, etc.

In fact, it's not even their money. The money he's spending doesn't actually exist if it's coming from savings/credit.

MrsKoala Sun 20-Jan-13 18:13:23

sorry for slowness - baby had a teething meltdown and now sleeping on my arm so grammer will suffer. hope it's legible.

thanks for all the replies.

this week i am at mums so i dread to think what he's spending on food. i left pizzas, and frozen chilli and pastas, but i bet he doesn't stick to his budget. i, on the other hand, feel like a kid in a sweetie shop - a whole £50 per week all for me!

FrameyMcFrame Sun 20-Jan-13 18:21:46

We had thus with DH and having massive hot lunches at work as well as a costa in the afternoon and wine/ newspaper in the eve. Plus his public transport to work. We realised he was spending ££££ more than our weekly budget food for the 4 of us JUST on himself.
I work too but make myself sandwiches and make tea from hot water at work so my daily spend is zero.
We have sorted it now, he bikes to work = free and healthy, I make extra portions of evening meals and freeze in portion sizes which he warms up in the microwave at work.
This satisfies his humongous appetite shock
The wine thing we are still working on.

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