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please share your tragic stories with me to help me. Or do me an Ocado.

(60 Posts)
InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 14:58:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InNeatCognac Sun 20-Jan-13 18:20:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrampyPants Sun 20-Jan-13 18:18:26

Jubilee, they were, that leaves me with just one toe on my left side. Luckily this does not affect my ability to dance.

I also enjoy being tied up and spanked by other ladies. Does anyone share my lustings?

NinthWavingAtTheSnowman Sun 20-Jan-13 18:13:25

I'm just a nubile fresh-faced female student girl who lives at home with my aunt while I do my studenty studies. My parents were tragically killed in a waterskiing accident just a week after my birth.
It's so hard just me and my aunt. I'm a female lady-woman with needs. Please all tell me about the best way to diddle myself off. I'm a lady, after all, just like you ladies.

ripsishere Sun 20-Jan-13 18:09:54

Come come, where's the OP gone?
This has been an illuminating thread so far. I've found out about road thumpers and clarified Porto's location.
This'll excite you OP, I'm off to bed now. For real, with my 11.8 DD since DH refuses to put the A/C on in our bedroom.

ChristmasJubilee Sun 20-Jan-13 17:41:10

TrampyPants were the 6 toes from the same foot? That makes a difference.

Groovee Sun 20-Jan-13 17:17:19

I've met the man of my dreams. He keeps telling me about his School called Hogwarts, but everytime I google it, it doesn't show. He keeps telling me any children we'll have will be magic. Does he think he's Paul Daniels or something?

He's got a best mate who's a girl, who's rather odd and her hair?? It's wild. He's got a male best mate who's a right weirdo.

Will this last???

CotherMuckingFunt Sun 20-Jan-13 17:06:05

Fuck the lot of you. When I was eighteen I married the love of my life who then turned out to be a seventy yr old snail called Alfred who was very good at disguises.

My 38yr old daughter from a previous relationship was so upset that she moved away from home to live with a lemon tree. Unfortunately, on her way she was run over by a rampaging poster paint deliverer and now ill never get to tell her that the lemon tree was in fact her long lost brother.

Since then I've had to sell gloves woven from my own public hair just to feed my seven remaining children. I'm finding this harder and harder to do now that I've had my hands cut off by the courts after I was convicted of witchcraft but I'm still struggling on.

Little Dave is doing his best to help out financially but not everyone appreciates butt cheek buffing on their windscreens at traffic lights so any money he makes is going on paying compensation fines.

Still, at least I still have my teeth. In a pot on the windowsill. Tomorrow's my seventeenth birthday. I'd love to be able to afford to treat myself but I guess it will be hand knitted sprouts for dinner again.

MrsGeologist Sun 20-Jan-13 17:03:45

I've just taken in a poor family (of stoats) and they need F&M caviar, but I'm currently too poor to buy it, as I'm waiting for funds to be sent to me after I helped out a Nigerian Prince friend.

Me and my five attractive lesbian housemates all have to share a bed after we sold them to fund the stoats' caviar habit.

Is this helping you, OP?

TrampyPants Sun 20-Jan-13 17:01:11

Weellll, as you all know I am an impoverished surgeon who was swindled out of her life savings by an albanian prince named Derek. Derek and I had a torrid affair, and when I went into spontaneous labour with the quads (I had no idea I was with child) he left me for the poolboy, who later became a girl. I recently discovered that Derek was really my uncle, and his lover, my cousin. I then lost an ear and 6 toes in a boating incident.

I can no longer afford to feed my 7 dc's anything but cabbage water.

Please help.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 20-Jan-13 17:00:20

I am the last person on earth and you are all in my imagination. You'd better hope I don't fall asleep. grin

Portofino Sun 20-Jan-13 16:55:57

I have not seen my twin sister since 1987 when she went on a day trip to Belgium.

ripsishere Sun 20-Jan-13 16:44:14

sad poor Porto. Aren't you in CH where donkeys (amongst many other animals) have to be kept in pairs?

Portofino Sun 20-Jan-13 16:33:38

I was orphaned young and then adopted by my Aunt and Uncle, who stole my inheritance and spent it on building a donkey sanctuary on my parent's farm.

ripsishere Sun 20-Jan-13 16:22:33

I see, you live and learn. I thought they were called road thumpers.
Peter Andre and me lived in a flat above a 7-11. We had to split up when he wouldn't let my DD bring her friends home.
I think the reason for the dream was DD learning mysterious girl in choir and singing it. And singing it. And singing it. And singing it, and you tubing it......

CryptoFascist Sun 20-Jan-13 16:21:07

The squashed mum troll! My favourite! (I am a namechanger but not a poo/penis/compactor troll I swear dib dib dib).

Although I found where ol' Squashy hangs out, it's a yahoo group called Flatopia (was easy to find by googling his key phrases). Check that out if you want a serious wtf moment.

Salmotrutta Sun 20-Jan-13 16:18:46

I'm down to my last polo pony.

DameFanny Sun 20-Jan-13 16:07:02

I have 3 husbands that I'm sharing with 8 other wives. Send donations to ohgoonthen@paypal and I'll put pictures on my profile.

Oh, AIBU to think that straw makes the perfect hair accessory?

MrsGeologist Sun 20-Jan-13 16:04:30

If only we could harness the power of PALFHK, then there would be free power for everyone.

TheCunnyFuntIsAGrittersWife Sun 20-Jan-13 16:01:01

My BIL is from the Isle of Sheppey!!

This is a Wacker plate.

Salmotrutta Sun 20-Jan-13 16:00:15


LesBOFerables Sun 20-Jan-13 15:59:52

My aunt and uncle live by the ocean. They share a boxroom and talk about bedroomy things.

AlistairSim Sun 20-Jan-13 15:59:13

I think you protest too much, Salmo.

I bet you're sniffing out skidmarks right now.

Filthy beast.

BupcakesAndCunting Sun 20-Jan-13 15:56:20

If you multiplied my love by infinity, by thrice the circumference of the earth, by the distance in miles to the farthest planet in our solar system then again by number of grains of sand on earth, my love would still only equate to one hundreth of PALFHK.

Salmotrutta Sun 20-Jan-13 15:55:22

I'm supposed to be doing school prep and marking.


Salmotrutta Sun 20-Jan-13 15:53:51


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