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to think DP doesn't need to go to the shop EVERY day?

(93 Posts)
JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Sun 20-Jan-13 14:08:52

DP is the SAHD, I go out to work. We live within walking distance of 3 well known supermarkets, the closest being Co-Op, the most expensive of the 3.

When I work, he has my bank card. Although our finances are 'together' and equally ours, my account is the spending one. But, my bugbear is that he will go to Co-Op every day. Pick up littles bits of this, that and the other. We do a shop in the bigger supermarket every week but he still manages to find a need for stuff every day. My account looks like it's having an affair with the bloody place!

So, I've said to him, stop. What he thinks we run out of during the week, we will get more of during the weekly shop. I've also said I will withdraw maybe £30/40 each month for 'emergencies' from said shop.

AIBU to make this rule? I'm fed up with constant 'drip, drip' of money leaving my account, it's not cost effective is it?!

CecilyP Sun 20-Jan-13 14:39:35

Do you actually use the stuff he buys - that is the important thing.

I tend to do a bit of shopping on an almost daily basis but I don't very often do a big weekly shop, which means I actually waste very little. Also shopping daily means that I usually use cash as there is no need for a credit card for small amounts.

I agree with others, it gives him the opportunity to go out an buy fresh stuff and organise his shopping to his meal planning. Unless it is putting you as a family under real financial pressure, I don't see the problem.

garlicblocks Sun 20-Jan-13 14:41:04

I thought it seemed odd that your example of an impulse buy was the Ready Brek! If this is a product you use regularly, it should be in your big shop. If it isn't, then it hardly matters whether you have 500g or 750g of it, and the £1 difference has little impact overall.

Your thinking seems muddled ... confused

EnjoyResponsibly Sun 20-Jan-13 14:42:44

It's the manner if your posts that sound controlling.

I can see the added expense issue, but I think you're guilty of missing the social element, ignoring the upside of DHs input to household running I.e enjoying doing the cooking and don't get me started with the whole "my account" part.

Create a small household expenses account for day to day items.

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Sun 20-Jan-13 14:44:01

Ok, so apologies for the 'rule' remark. I can see why other SAHP might find that rude.

We have one DS, 22 months.

I'll sit down with him this afternoon, form a meal plan etc and look at ways of reducing spends in this shop. The 5 transactions I mentioned came to just over £40, so not a lot seperately but added onto the average £60 shop each week, thats £100. We can't afford that every week, we are a small family of 3!

Even if this was his account, I'd still want to reduce this. It's not me being possessive over 'my' account.

allthegoodnamesweretaken Sun 20-Jan-13 14:45:57

If he's going everyday anyway, why bother with weekly shop?
Stop doing a weekly shop and DH can get what you need when you need it. It will deal with the money issue and DH can still use shopping trips to get out the house/get fresh air/break up the day or whatever.

I agree it would be mean and controlling to make rules, he's your equal partner, not your child.

EnjoyResponsibly Sun 20-Jan-13 14:48:56

But it is coming over that way in your posts Julie. Read your posts back and the comments from Posters.

I can see where you're trying to get to, but
I urge you to take an approach in your conversation that acknowledges his contribution but how you need to work together on the joint finances side.

foslady Sun 20-Jan-13 15:07:34

When I was a SAHM/worked pt on the days I didn't work I could go all day seeing no other adult, having no adult conversation. Just buying a bottle of milk was lovely just to hear another adult voice. Did he work full time prior to becoming a SAHD? It can be a big shock to the system going from a busy, noisy workplace to a life of dadada and ceebeebies.......
I don't think the issue is shopping at all.

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Sun 20-Jan-13 15:07:54

CecilyP - he buys things we will eat not actually need e.g chocolate brioches

We do want to reduce spendings on food. I just pointed out that going to the shop everyday wasn't helping and posted on here in exasperation and possible advice.

He is a brilliant dad and does a much better job of running the household than I ever could! I just wish his impulse buying and not thinking about cheaper option could be improved.

I'm definitely not trying to be controlling. I want to improve areas of our finances where we can.

I mighy give the not doing a weekly shop and DP can buy as/when we need as proposed by allthegoodnames to see if that can reduce spends.

I am taking these all in btw, thanks for advice, might give the whiteboard idea a go!

FeistyLass Sun 20-Jan-13 15:08:14

YABU and a bit patronising. Trust him to manage his day and the shopping unless there are some background issues eg he has run up masses of debt in the past (and you're scared he's going to do the same again by buying ReadyBrek from the Co-op confused ).
Sorry, that sounds flippant but I think it's important that you acknowledge this is his area of responsibility as the SAHP. You need to take a step back. When you are at home, the routine of going to the local shop can sometimes end up as the highlight of your day and I would not have reacted well to my dh telling me to stop making daily purchases. The benefit of getting out the house cannot be overestimated.

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Sun 20-Jan-13 15:11:58

And I can also see the point about adult interaction. He says if he takes DS to the park/other child friendly place, he only ever sees mums who don't talk to him. I feel for him there.

FeistyLass Sun 20-Jan-13 15:12:46

JuliesSister, I've just read your latest post. Maybe both sit down with the bank statements then and let your dh make the suggestion about cutting back on his daily shopping bill? If the overspending is a big issue then perhaps he'll limit his daily shop to buying a newspaper instead.

ripsishere Sun 20-Jan-13 15:13:07

I've been a SAHP for 12 years due to circumstances beyond my control. I did work for a year when we were back in England.
I used to do a big weekly shop, but also go to the local Tesco or coop to pick up fags and milk.
For me it was about socializing. Had I not gone out, I wouldn't have seen a single person till DD came home from school.
Give him a break.

MrsLouisTheroux Sun 20-Jan-13 15:13:40

If he cooks and wants to buy things daily let him. Stop doing a big shop as well.

allthegoodnamesweretaken Sun 20-Jan-13 15:16:46

DH says the same, he says the mums all glare at him like he's some sort of pervert if he takes DD to toddler groups.

In addition to stopping the weekly shop, maybe he could go to the local market instead of co op? Often works out cheaper, and would be more interesting for him and DS. Often different choices according to season and he could get DS involved with counting, choosing and paying?

Nagoo Sun 20-Jan-13 15:24:06

I do my top up shop bits in Aldi. It's saved me a bloody fortune. There is a corner shop here, but I can't afford to keep going in there, so I walk 10 mins extra and get everything in the world for £4.31. grin

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Sun 20-Jan-13 15:25:33

I have said about looking in to markets. There is a local fruit/veg shop that delivers locally for free. As he doesn't drive that would be ideal. We live in a dying town so I would prefer to do it that way.

We'll sit down later and reassess our shopping habits.

tempnameswap Sun 20-Jan-13 15:26:58

You do sound as if you consider it to be YOUR money OP. I am a SAHM and go to the local Co op most days. It can actually be the most economical way of shopping - to look in the fridge and think of a recipe and then buy the one or two items you need. Much more economical - and healthier - than buying large quantities of food in the weekly shop that then gets binned.

I would stop trying to control his daily activities - popping out for an item keeps me interested in cooking imaginative food, and lets us all have some air/a break.

PuffPants Sun 20-Jan-13 15:27:15

Wow. Can you imagine if a DH had written this about his SAHM/W?

I buy things most days too OP. As others have said, sometimes life at home with a toddler is boring as hell and buying a chocolate brioche in the Co-op may well be the highlight of his day.

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Sun 20-Jan-13 15:28:33

Ah, no local Aldi sad nevermind!

rainrainandmorerain Sun 20-Jan-13 15:29:42

yanbu at all to identify this as a wasteful habit - but there's more than one way to skin a cat, iyswim.

I have had to stop myself from shopping like this in the past - so easy to go in for one thing and come out with 5, and there's no need. I've also pointed out dp that he was doing the same and asked him to rein it it. Admittedly, he initially got grumpy and denied there was a problem...l but when I asked him to keep receipts for 2 weeks, the same as I had, to see where money. was going, then we could both see - one trip for a pint of milk also meant picking up crisps, a can of coke, possibly a readymade sandwich, when we had food five minutes away at home, and maybe a cake or packet of biscuits. We're talking maybe an unnecessary fiver a day. Or thirty odd quid a week. Or over £100 a month.

The 'whooh, one Ready Brek' posters are missing the point. Or maybe they don't need to budget as strictly.

You can ask dp to keep track of his spending more closely, or suggest a weekly budget, or a 'no more than £1.50 spend' if you happen to go in for no real reason.

I can see that he might be doing this for distraction, or just something to do...change of scenery etc. That's ok. It's the casual wasteful spending that's the problem.

GiveMeSomeSpace Sun 20-Jan-13 15:30:15

You sound very controlling OP

MaureenShit Sun 20-Jan-13 15:34:42

i think he is bored shitless

FeistyLass Sun 20-Jan-13 15:35:30

If you want to shop at the local market then that's great but please don't try to micro-manage his day to the extent that you are 'suggesting' where he shops. I am laughing at how the conversation would have went if my dh had ever tried to do that when I was the SAHP grin

MrsMushroom Sun 20-Jan-13 15:40:14

I am like your DP in that I SAH and I also go to the shops locally...and yes...I top up with things like chocolate brioches.

I think it's a comfort thing...I see it''s expensive though. But when you are home all day you want a distraction.

I have got into baking....bread, cakes, it's cost effective and I enjoy it. Could your DP do that?

Ragwort Sun 20-Jan-13 15:41:27

Wow, you sound very controlling, I am a SAHP and shop most days, can never understand how people can 'meal plan' to a rigid timetable; how do you know what you want to eat on Friday night on Monday morning for example? I would not be at all happy if my DH tried to tell me when and how to do the shopping hmm.

Agree with others, stop doing the 'big shop' thing, and let your DH have control over the shopping/meal planning, if you need to set a specific budget, do so together.

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