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to think DP doesn't need to go to the shop EVERY day?

(93 Posts)
JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Sun 20-Jan-13 14:08:52

DP is the SAHD, I go out to work. We live within walking distance of 3 well known supermarkets, the closest being Co-Op, the most expensive of the 3.

When I work, he has my bank card. Although our finances are 'together' and equally ours, my account is the spending one. But, my bugbear is that he will go to Co-Op every day. Pick up littles bits of this, that and the other. We do a shop in the bigger supermarket every week but he still manages to find a need for stuff every day. My account looks like it's having an affair with the bloody place!

So, I've said to him, stop. What he thinks we run out of during the week, we will get more of during the weekly shop. I've also said I will withdraw maybe £30/40 each month for 'emergencies' from said shop.

AIBU to make this rule? I'm fed up with constant 'drip, drip' of money leaving my account, it's not cost effective is it?!

k75 Sun 20-Jan-13 14:27:55

My oh is the sahd too, i cant imagine telling him, how and when to shop. Does he tell you how to work? Would you like this kind of feedback.

usualsuspect Sun 20-Jan-13 14:28:20

Why hasn't he got his own bank account?

skullcandy Sun 20-Jan-13 14:28:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay Sun 20-Jan-13 14:28:35

I am trying not to see it like that holly and what dum said we do a meno planner thing and it can be so head bangly boring somedays that I change it because i fancy something else

mrsjay Sun 20-Jan-13 14:28:42


longjane Sun 20-Jan-13 14:28:51

give him housekeeping money and let him get on with it

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 20-Jan-13 14:28:54

When I've been a SAHM, buying something at the shop was the big thrill of my day.

If you can afford it and he's buying stuff you need, then why worry?

garlicblocks Sun 20-Jan-13 14:28:58

Well, yeah, and I think you're being controlling. Sorry! If you want to withdraw the bit of pleasure he gets from thinking about what he wants to cook for dinner ... you cook dinner!

An awful lot of people, including me, buy something every day for the sake of the small adult interaction.

How would you feel if he started dictating the minutiae of how you do your job?

cory Sun 20-Jan-13 14:29:09

My mother is the most economical housekeeper I know. She swears by going to the shop every day, sometimes several times.

skullcandy Sun 20-Jan-13 14:29:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cerealqueen Sun 20-Jan-13 14:29:55

I'm fed up with constant 'drip, drip' of money leaving my account, it's not cost effective is it?!

So, your account, your money is the issue? confused

I can't see why you are bothered. Maybe he likes to get the freshest suff, maybe DS loves shopping, maybe he needs the human contact being home all day, likes to get the end of day bargains, fancies the cashier, who the hell knows, just let him get on with it.

I am a SAHM and like to go into the local tesco most days to pick up sweet treats to get me through the day but would feel really got at if DP mentioned it.

If it bothers you that much seeing the transactions suggest he gets a some cash out on a Sunday to pay for stuff??

dreamingbohemian Sun 20-Jan-13 14:30:01

Sorry no, I don't see it.

Bread will cost the same whether you buy it with 100 other things or 1. If he's doing all the cooking and wants to be spontaneous, why not? As long as there isn't food actually going to waste?

It sounds like you just object to the number of withdrawals. So sort it, it's simple, look at how much he's been spending a week and start transferring it to his account.

DH and I have taken turns being the SAHP and one of the most important keys to success is not questioning the other person's decisions, unless it's really critically important.

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat Sun 20-Jan-13 14:30:20

It's not to do with me wanting to control his movements etc, it's the money aspect of it. Or even if he decided to walk the extra 15 minutes to the cheaper supermarket. Such as, 750g of ready brek in tesco is £1.79. Local Co-op does 500g for £2.49. But he opts for Co-op each time.

I'm trying to save money, we get by but can be pretty tight by the end of the month.

We don't really get 'spending' money for us both but if we need something such as new shoes we work a way around finances to be able to get them.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 20-Jan-13 14:30:47

My dh used to want to decide on the day what to make for dinner which was usually why i was always popping out to get things! It drove me crazy after a while, but we talked about it and agreed it was a waste of time and cost more money than planning. He's had to get used to the idea that his options are whatever we've planned for, not whatever the shop sells.

cricketballs Sun 20-Jan-13 14:30:58

just what I was thinking Holly!

for the record, my Dh does our weekly shop (with a list from me grin) and I still call our local, more expensive shop every night as although he gets the basics, I can not meal plan ahead like that - what we have for our evening meal depends a lot of what I feel like eating/cooking, what time I get in from work, the weather, the advert I saw the night before etc

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 20-Jan-13 14:32:23

OK. I can see the problem with buying things at the local convenience store. That does cost more money.

Hopefully, you can encourage him to walk the extra distance.

dreamingbohemian Sun 20-Jan-13 14:32:35

It lots of places it's still common to go to the market every day and get what you need for dinner. There's a whole social aspect to it as well, plus if you like cooking it's a fun part of the day.

yanbu, mainly because the co-op is bloody expensive. Me and dp I insisted have banned ourselves from 'popping to the shop' and have saved over £100 a month. Those bits and bobs add up, i'd rather be more inventive at tea time and spend the money im saving ( over a grand across the year ) on a lovely holiday.

Dp was the worst offender and still gets twitchy around 10pm, asking with glazed eyes if I want a can of pop and a curly wurly from ' the shop' so I keep a couple of multi pack treats in now. Job done.

HalleLouja Sun 20-Jan-13 14:32:51

I can't see why you are bothered. When you are at home all day a trip to the shop can be really exciting. I quite like trying to get the bargains at the end of the day too.

cerealqueen Sun 20-Jan-13 14:33:46

If it is about money being tight then you need to have that conversation with him directly, sorry but you were not that clear in your post.

Explain to him that it adds up over a month and say how much by and he might see where you are coming from.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sun 20-Jan-13 14:33:52

What does he say if you suggest going to the cheaper supermarket?

Have you added up how much is being spent on food each week/month? You could look at it together and think of ways to reduce it.

HalleLouja Sun 20-Jan-13 14:34:17

I get the money bit but maybe talk about that bit. Don't stop him going to the shop full stop.

dreamingbohemian Sun 20-Jan-13 14:36:05

Well it's fair enough to suggest he go to the cheaper shop.

I'd suggest really organising the shopping a bit more -- do a monthly online shop from Tesco for all the staples (including your brek example) and ask him to just get fresh stuff every day (meat, veg etc.) At least then if he pays more it's probably a bit better quality too.

If you buy enough of the staples in the monthly shop then he won't have a reason to buy them in his daily run.

emsyj Sun 20-Jan-13 14:38:53

Do your weekly shop somewhere cheaper than Tesco and free up the budget for local daily shopping then. Tesco is shockingly expensive to me - I go to Aldi for most things and only use non-budget supermarkets for things I can't buy in Aldi - e.g. fresh herbs, certain fancy cheeses or special items.

The answer is probably to agree a weekly or monthly food budget with your DH and he takes it in cash. I would only say this is reasonable tho if he is on board with it and you genuinely need to take this step to keep finances under control - not just so that you can feel better about how much he spends or because it irritates you that he goes to the shop every day when it's not what you would personally choose to do.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 20-Jan-13 14:39:25

To be honest I think the weekly shop (which is great if you're both working) is not working for your DH. As he's the main housekeeper I'd let him get on with it as he wishes. If going to the Co-op several times a week works better for him them stick with that. It's not unreasonable for you both to discuss a weekly budget for food and other essentials (like cleaning products) and to expect him to keep to it expect for emergencies.

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