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Friend wants dinner and housework before I can have newborn cuddles...

(264 Posts)
Sal77 Sun 20-Jan-13 11:40:30

My close friend has recently had a baby. I went round to see her after she'd got out of hospital with a lasagne I'd cooked for them for dinner. When I arrived I was given a piece of paper with a list of chores and told to choose one (I did some hoovering whilst she sat on the sofa with the baby, her DH was at the gym she said). It was a little awkward. Only after that could I have a look/cuddle of the baby.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand having a newborn baby is hard work and I'm happy to help out (I also bought the bump Christmas presents, birthday presents and arranged the baby shower before baby was born). I didn't mind cooking her and her DH dinner, but I feel as though being asked to do housework on arrival was a bit rude given I'd already done dinner...

My friend did mention before the baby arrived about her idea to only allow guests over if they bring dinner and do chores but I didn't think she was that serious about it... And of course I don't mind helping out with babysitting and cooking dinners... But I did think it very rude to ask me to hoover too...


Chunderella Sun 20-Jan-13 22:01:18

Thanks Anita, no need to apologise. You obviously felt you benefitted from doing housework soon after birth and it's not for me to tell you what you ought to have done. Of course mothers now have more options than even the recent past, and I for one respect those who went before us. I don't think it's a good thing that any woman is placed in the position where she has no choice, though, or that thinking new mothers are indeed worthy of support means life stops when a baby is born.

Thisis sorry I don't see the place where OP mentioned a culture where what she described is the norm?

Diddl depends entirely on what you define as full time. If he's doing a 35 hour week 15 minutes walk away, absolutely. If he's leaving at half six, back at half eight, having to work at weekends and pitching in with some of the two hourly night feeds to give the mum some support, he can be excused having not prioritised the vacuuming. You even admit yourself that his hours would make a difference to your views. And the point is, you don't know anything about their circumstances.

aquashiv Sun 20-Jan-13 22:03:29

you did it too what a great friend
HIlarous though did she lift up her feet for yoU?

Guide26 Sun 20-Jan-13 23:17:16

lol I guess you have to admire her guts to do something like that, If my friend had just had a baby I would offer to make the tea, maybe wash up, bring some cakes/lunch etc just so that my visit was interupting the routine of the new baby but to do her housework for her? no thank you. If I see someone struggling with their house and I offer my help thats a different story, for someone to expect me to come round to see their baby and be bribed into doing housework? no thanks!

Kafri Mon 21-Jan-13 06:18:47

Ooohh I've got a (bloody difficult) 4 week old. Maybe I've missed a trick here... My bro visited yesterday and made his own brew, does that count? To be fair he only did that as he caked round when a friend of mine was here so he left me chatting to here while he made his brew.

Perhaps we could all make a price list

Glass of squash = dishes/fill dishwasher
Cup of Coffee = spot of dusting
Cup of Tea = hoovering (there's an extra step in squeezing the tea bag so worth more)
Simple lunch = wipe down kitchen surfaces
Full meal = ALL IRONING
cuddles with newborn - well, that's got to be the whole shebang, surely??

Weissdorn Mon 21-Jan-13 06:34:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl Mon 21-Jan-13 07:23:43

"Diddl depends entirely on what you define as full time."hmm

Anything that isn´t "24/7"

Presumably he cleaned & cooked for himself before he lived with OP?

elinorbellowed Mon 21-Jan-13 08:10:42

I think she has realised that her DH is a selfish arse who would rather go down the gym than spend his paternity leave with his newborn child. Therefore she is recruiting nice friends to do what he should be doing.
No way would my partner be getting 'me time' when there is a baby and chores to be done.

Chunderella Mon 21-Jan-13 08:55:24

I have no idea Diddl and neither do you. As for anything that isn't 24/7, I don't think you really mean that. Otherwise, you're saying that if he only works 22 hours 7 days a week he ought to be doing the hoovering.

Thisisaeuphemism Mon 21-Jan-13 09:41:12

Are you the ops friend, chunderella? You seem awfully invested in arguing why it's ok to insist kind visitors do housework.

Perhaps some of the visitors have full time jobs or children need feeding or houses that need cleaning - doesn't matter tho does it - this husband needs to go to the gym.

wewereherefirst Mon 21-Jan-13 09:45:00

Chunderella- does working mean you don't need to do any housework at all?

For those who work, take note! grin

Panzee Mon 21-Jan-13 09:47:22

wewereherefirst that works for me- but I live n a tip! smile

Chunderella Mon 21-Jan-13 09:58:50

Thisis, I've made a similar number of posts on this issue to you. There's really nothing sadder than internet posters trying to differentiate their levels of involvement from each other. It has a tendency to end in everyone calling everyone else pathetic for being online instead of Doing Something Worthwhile, and confidently asserting how interesting their own lives are. We are, after all, two people who have made multiple posts on a thread about a minor incident in the lives of two people who we're highly unlikely to know in real life. So let's not go down that road. I will say though, that if any of the visitors had the circumstances I said would make it acceptable for DH not to do housework (ie very long hours combined with lack of sleep) they wouldn't have time to make lasagnes and visit OPs mate. So no, that point doesn't really work.

Wewere, I refer you to my post from 22.01 yesterday.

Thisisaeuphemism Mon 21-Jan-13 10:00:56


Chunderella Mon 21-Jan-13 10:07:46


Thisisaeuphemism Mon 21-Jan-13 10:23:10

Oh. Let's be friends, chunderella.

NB. I will not do your hoovering tho ;)

Thisisaeuphemism Mon 21-Jan-13 10:28:56

Oh. Let's be friends, chunderella.

NB. I will not do your hoovering tho ;)

Chunderella Mon 21-Jan-13 10:31:06

That's ok, fortunately I'm now past the post baby haze and DH does the hoovering anyway. Perhaps you can pop round later and help me get the sick stains out of the jumperoo instead.

Thisisaeuphemism Mon 21-Jan-13 10:39:58


CrapBag Tue 22-Jan-13 20:24:56


This is when my amazing bluntness comes in handy.

Being handed a list of that sort would have resulted in a "ROFL nice try!" whilst I take the dinner in the kitchen that I had brought around.

AnyoneforTurps Tue 22-Jan-13 20:47:52

Anyone out there willing to lend me a baby so I can try this out on my friends?

FobblyWoof Tue 22-Jan-13 20:51:39

Wow, what a dickhead!

Some books suggest that o take all the help you can get, but seriously? WTAF?!

(I've only read the OP and I'm pissed off-I can't take ten pages!)

Chunderella Wed 23-Jan-13 10:11:30

You can have DD, Turps. I warn you though, she's got the shits.

AnyoneforTurps Wed 23-Jan-13 18:42:12

No problem, Chunderella, I'll just add "Clear up baby poo" to the list that I hand to visitors.

BinkyWinky Wed 23-Jan-13 19:10:23

Any update on this?

Sal77 Mon 04-Feb-13 15:37:59

Well, after giving her a wide birth for a week (I'm guessing she'll have had lots of visitors then anyway) I visited again (without dinner this time) and to my surprise she didn't hand me a list or ask me to do anything... I can only assume someone must have said something? I have no idea... House seemed reasonably tidy considering, maybe all her other guests exhausted the jobs on the list and left me with none?

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