I don't buy/use second hand, ie clothes, electricals, toys, shoes, etc (New to MN)(243 Posts)
Nor have I ever. Not as a child, not as a teenager, not as an adult and now, not as a parent. If you have the money to not to need to go second hand for things, why are others so disgusted at the concept that you don't? I understand why people do it even when they don't need to, and I know there are plenty of people who don't have any other choice, but why can't people just leave me to it? It's my family, my home and my decision.
It's my mil who gets the most distressed about it. She will go on at me about it every chance she gets and I really don't understand what her problem is. I don't NEED to save that extra few hundred pounds, I don't NEED to buy toys and clothes in charity shops, I don't NEED to buy my electricals from eBay, so what is her problem?
When we started collecting things in preparation of our first child's birth, she was so weirdly mortified that dp and I were going out buying new nursery furniture and clothes, car seat, soft toys etc. She would utterly panic when we would mention that we were researching cots or buggies.
"But this person had a baby last year, you could have theirs! I'm sure they wouldn't mind! Let me get you their number..."
It got worse when dd was born she would come and thrust other peoples old baby clothes at me and continue to suggested people who had things they could give us, or come bringing baby toys from charity shops. Eventually I got so frustrated with it, I just told her outright to stop, quite forcefully actually. But it just continued a few years later when ds was born and it still continues today.
Do people really think IABU? Why? Anyone else out there like me?
I don't really think there is an ethical problem as long as you are buying high quality stuff, looking after it and planning on handing on afterwards.
Furniture makers, shop keepers need to be kept in business to keep the economy going.
OP, please try to watch Matthew Wright's show from Fri 29th. This thread is famous and has been described as an "extraordinary row".
Buy from where you want but you do sound like a pompous arse
I agree - stealth boast
As long as you donate your unwanted stuff to charity, then I think you're awesome.
I get nearly everything second hand, and without people like you, it'd be slim pickings!
OP, I am the same as you especially with my DD. I bought the cot, clothes, toys, high chair etc all new and I still do with her stuff. I also sell a lot on ebay and because I have bought it new generally get pretty ok money for things. I would buy a second hand chest of drawers or wardrobe but not a bed or a sofa - why? I have no idea. I just wouldn't. I would only buy 'worn once or twice' clothes for myself from ebay. I have never thought too deeply about why I'm like this, I just am and I'm ok with that as should you be
OP - I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I also did not see anything offensive in your post. I agree with you completely I also prefer not have 2nd hand clothes etc. It gets a bit annoying when others try to impose their ideologies onto others.
If you made it clear to DMIL that you did not want 2nd hand items then it is unreasonable of her to continue to go on about it - there is nothing ungrateful about it as you said you were polite - think some people got a bit oversensitive about your post as you did acknowledge that some people need/like to shop for 2nd hand things.
Comparing a jumper to a house is wierd.
Some people might see it as a "waste" of money but I agree with those that say that someone has to be buying new stuff - otherwise what would happen to the economy and all the jobs depending on people buying new things?
There are people out there able to afford mega expensive cars - I will probably never be one of them - however if someone said I would prefer a new mega expensive car to the second-hand cheaper car I am using then why would I take offense or suggest that they are not being economical/environmentally friendly? They can afford it - great for them, I cannot - but I am happy with what I have. I might be slightly jealous but it would not be an insult.
fair enough, newNN - sorry for being a bit snippy.
It was to mimishimi, although I did read 'regardless of OP's own financial input' as meaning that the op had contributed to the income but her contribution was being dismissed by the mil.
newNN - if that post was aimed at me it was a waste of effort because I did say "regardless of the OP's own financial input" as it ISN'T relevant, but the MIL might have thought it is. Speculation on my part. Not commentary on the OP and her DP's finances.
It concerns me that people are questioning who actually earned the money, like it's at all relevant! In a partnership the couple decide for themselves how to divvy up finances and even if the mil thinks her dil is spending too much, it really is none of her business. No one is holding a gun to the dh's head and giving him no say in how 'his' money is spent!
I am a sahm and I do not view the money earned by dh as his. It is ours because we have divided up the labour in our family unit so that we each support the strengths of the other. I don't have to physically go out and earn, but dh doesn't have to look after the dc or worry about child care picks ups or what to do when he has to stay late at work. I would be deeply pissed off at any implication that I shouldn't spend money as he and I see fit because I hadn't actually left the house in order to earn it.
I think YANBU, OP and I do find it bizarre that your MIL kept trying to steer you towards secondhand goods when you'd made it clear you preferred to buy new. Perhaps she thinks you are wantonly wasting money that her DS has earnt (regardless of your own financial input) and is trying to prevent that?
I must admit I have some sympathy with you - I don't like some secondhand things unless I know where they came from. Nearly all my baby stuff was secondhand, given to me by friends. The things I bought new were the cot mattress and bedding - and later on, a sleepingbag because it was needed. Other things were made for me, or given and I didn't mind. I bought later clothes (i.e. 1y+) from charity shops, but baby stuff was either new or from friends.
I don't mind some toys from charity shops, but not fluffy ones and not cloth books either.
I was brought up in jumble sale clothes, shoes that lasted a few sizes (bought at least one size too big and worn until at least one size too small sometimes), second hand school uniform etc. Because of that, I think "if it was good enough for me, then it's ok for my children" but I also appreciate being able to buy stuff new (although refuse to spend extortionate amounts on things!).
As someone else has already said - this post is really about your MIL foisting her ways upon you regardless of your feelings on the matter - and I think, since you have explained you do accept and then re-send to charity, you have done what you can to spare her feelings.
If I bought my grandson and item, I'm not about to say, Hey, I got it for a dollar at the free will store! lololol..... If I repaint/redo, and hand craft something, I don't hand it to the other person esp. if they don't "like" those kinds of things and express how cheap it was to buy and how dirty and ugly it was...
I guess, growing up so I appreciate anything I did get, is different. Heck, going to the soup kitchen for the "free lunch" was a treat for us, since there was none at home! However, that's a totally different topic...
Buy what you may. However, do try to think about what your MIL feels. You are married to her son, and I am sure she doesn't mean any harm.
YANBU as long as you don't moan about the cost of new things but perhaps your MIL is worried for her son and his financial security? Is your affluent lifestyle mainly funded by him or by you both?
I wasn't actually rude to my mil, she can be a pain in the arse, but I try to be as nice to her as I can. I take into account that we have had VERY different lives and upbringings. I'm almost young enough to be her grandchild. It's just that took some relatively forceful words to actually make her stop doing something I asked her very nicely 100 times to stop doing, as did her son, my dp, by the way.
Also, I am genuinely sorry if I came across as a twat in the first post, re-reading it, I can defiantly see why some people where put off/pissed off by my wording. I was not in a good mood when I wrote it.
Incidentally, I don't know why I have an aversion to them. Quite a few people very close to me, including my mil love second hand shopping, charity shops being her absolute favourite. My dp has a bit of an ebay addict in the family too. I am NEVER nasty or rude to them about it nor would I be to anyone.
I just wondered what other people had to say on the subject. Whether I was weird, or if there were alot of people like me. Really overwhelmed by the huge amount of responses in such a short time...
I'm not interested how anyone spends their money. We do second hand for somethings and new for other things (car seat/matresses). I do keep one eye on being environmental though as it's very important to me
No, people shouldn't give people second hand gifts unless they know that the person will appreciate them and have had the conversation. Total waste of time and money otherwise.
My mother is a bit like this - has a near heart attack if I buy anything new, or spend more than she would on an item. While occasionally annoying, she isn't being mean, she is just trying to helpful and worrying on my behalf. Probably just like your mil OP. You sound like you have been quite hurtful to her.
She should not refuse gifts - that is terribly rude. Give it away, whatever, but do not refuse it to the MIL's face and then even have a go at the poor woman!
mothertomany - yes they do buy new if the op doesn't want second hand stuff, especially if she doesn't know where it's come from. sure that the op doesn't expect people to buy her anything but shouldn't have to accept stuff she doesn't want and hasn't asked for if they know how she feels about it.
wealthy PIL devote huge amounts of time and money to shopping. They would argue that they are thrifty, but the imperfect but 'bargain' goods are always coming and going. Their house is cluttered with stuff that was only £4 plus £25 postage and £90 for a new bit. They love the thrill of the chase only to replace it all next year. The spare bed settee has been replaced three times in six years all uncomfortable £150 a go plus van hire. Why not research and buy one you really like for £500 and keep the bloody thing.
They see me as profligate and a bit hoity toity. For example my DDs have two small drawers of clothes each. So only one party dress, two jumpers, three pairs of trousers,etc. I buy it new, with room to grow into twice a year during the online sales. I only buy stuff in colours that suit them. Job done, spend the weekend at the beach.
My PIL just can't understand why I don't 'pop' in the charity shops every weekend, 'iI miss out on all the bargains'. SIL bears the brunt of their purchases and is presented with three snowsuits in August, worn out, weird sizes and cuts, ideal for a long body/short arms, wider waist/knuckle dragger.
You are not alone. My PIL are n't thinking of what we need, they just love to shop, fill time and we're an excuse.
Very good point about buying quality secondhand over cheap crap new stuff. This very much applies to furniture such as my bed which is 150 years old, solid oak and will long outlive me! Same applies to my sofas (ebay!) and our lovely old oak dining table. To get furniture of this quality brand new is very expensive and I have never seen any I like in any case so I no longer look at new stuff. I don't want cheap crap from Dfs or wherever which will fall to bits in a month
-and is ugly to boot- so I buy beautiful second hand stuff which has a history.
But as others have said - each to their own. I expect people feel differently when it comes to things for children which I can kind of understand but I still don't like the OP's rudeness to her MIL.
Stroller: was just one of many things I initially bought my grandson that were turned away. Right now, there are 3 strollers, in the shed, as I'm not the only one that bought him a "used stroller!"
Begonia: It doesn't matter she herself chooses to go out and buy new stuff. That's great if she can.. for me, its other people...such as her MIL... So, the world has to buy new things for her and her family because she refuses to accept something used??
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