I don't buy/use second hand, ie clothes, electricals, toys, shoes, etc (New to MN)(243 Posts)
Nor have I ever. Not as a child, not as a teenager, not as an adult and now, not as a parent. If you have the money to not to need to go second hand for things, why are others so disgusted at the concept that you don't? I understand why people do it even when they don't need to, and I know there are plenty of people who don't have any other choice, but why can't people just leave me to it? It's my family, my home and my decision.
It's my mil who gets the most distressed about it. She will go on at me about it every chance she gets and I really don't understand what her problem is. I don't NEED to save that extra few hundred pounds, I don't NEED to buy toys and clothes in charity shops, I don't NEED to buy my electricals from eBay, so what is her problem?
When we started collecting things in preparation of our first child's birth, she was so weirdly mortified that dp and I were going out buying new nursery furniture and clothes, car seat, soft toys etc. She would utterly panic when we would mention that we were researching cots or buggies.
"But this person had a baby last year, you could have theirs! I'm sure they wouldn't mind! Let me get you their number..."
It got worse when dd was born she would come and thrust other peoples old baby clothes at me and continue to suggested people who had things they could give us, or come bringing baby toys from charity shops. Eventually I got so frustrated with it, I just told her outright to stop, quite forcefully actually. But it just continued a few years later when ds was born and it still continues today.
Do people really think IABU? Why? Anyone else out there like me?
No, people shouldn't give people second hand gifts unless they know that the person will appreciate them and have had the conversation. Total waste of time and money otherwise.
I'm not interested how anyone spends their money. We do second hand for somethings and new for other things (car seat/matresses). I do keep one eye on being environmental though as it's very important to me
I wasn't actually rude to my mil, she can be a pain in the arse, but I try to be as nice to her as I can. I take into account that we have had VERY different lives and upbringings. I'm almost young enough to be her grandchild. It's just that took some relatively forceful words to actually make her stop doing something I asked her very nicely 100 times to stop doing, as did her son, my dp, by the way.
Also, I am genuinely sorry if I came across as a twat in the first post, re-reading it, I can defiantly see why some people where put off/pissed off by my wording. I was not in a good mood when I wrote it.
Incidentally, I don't know why I have an aversion to them. Quite a few people very close to me, including my mil love second hand shopping, charity shops being her absolute favourite. My dp has a bit of an ebay addict in the family too. I am NEVER nasty or rude to them about it nor would I be to anyone.
I just wondered what other people had to say on the subject. Whether I was weird, or if there were alot of people like me. Really overwhelmed by the huge amount of responses in such a short time...
YANBU as long as you don't moan about the cost of new things but perhaps your MIL is worried for her son and his financial security? Is your affluent lifestyle mainly funded by him or by you both?
If I bought my grandson and item, I'm not about to say, Hey, I got it for a dollar at the free will store! lololol..... If I repaint/redo, and hand craft something, I don't hand it to the other person esp. if they don't "like" those kinds of things and express how cheap it was to buy and how dirty and ugly it was...
I guess, growing up so I appreciate anything I did get, is different. Heck, going to the soup kitchen for the "free lunch" was a treat for us, since there was none at home! However, that's a totally different topic...
Buy what you may. However, do try to think about what your MIL feels. You are married to her son, and I am sure she doesn't mean any harm.
I am truly baffled.
To why you think anyone cares.
As my 21 year old ds says ' you can do what you want '
I think YANBU, OP and I do find it bizarre that your MIL kept trying to steer you towards secondhand goods when you'd made it clear you preferred to buy new. Perhaps she thinks you are wantonly wasting money that her DS has earnt (regardless of your own financial input) and is trying to prevent that?
I must admit I have some sympathy with you - I don't like some secondhand things unless I know where they came from. Nearly all my baby stuff was secondhand, given to me by friends. The things I bought new were the cot mattress and bedding - and later on, a sleepingbag because it was needed. Other things were made for me, or given and I didn't mind. I bought later clothes (i.e. 1y+) from charity shops, but baby stuff was either new or from friends.
I don't mind some toys from charity shops, but not fluffy ones and not cloth books either.
I was brought up in jumble sale clothes, shoes that lasted a few sizes (bought at least one size too big and worn until at least one size too small sometimes), second hand school uniform etc. Because of that, I think "if it was good enough for me, then it's ok for my children" but I also appreciate being able to buy stuff new (although refuse to spend extortionate amounts on things!).
As someone else has already said - this post is really about your MIL foisting her ways upon you regardless of your feelings on the matter - and I think, since you have explained you do accept and then re-send to charity, you have done what you can to spare her feelings.
It concerns me that people are questioning who actually earned the money, like it's at all relevant! In a partnership the couple decide for themselves how to divvy up finances and even if the mil thinks her dil is spending too much, it really is none of her business. No one is holding a gun to the dh's head and giving him no say in how 'his' money is spent!
I am a sahm and I do not view the money earned by dh as his. It is ours because we have divided up the labour in our family unit so that we each support the strengths of the other. I don't have to physically go out and earn, but dh doesn't have to look after the dc or worry about child care picks ups or what to do when he has to stay late at work. I would be deeply pissed off at any implication that I shouldn't spend money as he and I see fit because I hadn't actually left the house in order to earn it.
newNN - if that post was aimed at me it was a waste of effort because I did say "regardless of the OP's own financial input" as it ISN'T relevant, but the MIL might have thought it is. Speculation on my part. Not commentary on the OP and her DP's finances.
It was to mimishimi, although I did read 'regardless of OP's own financial input' as meaning that the op had contributed to the income but her contribution was being dismissed by the mil.
fair enough, newNN - sorry for being a bit snippy.
OP - I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I also did not see anything offensive in your post. I agree with you completely I also prefer not have 2nd hand clothes etc. It gets a bit annoying when others try to impose their ideologies onto others.
If you made it clear to DMIL that you did not want 2nd hand items then it is unreasonable of her to continue to go on about it - there is nothing ungrateful about it as you said you were polite - think some people got a bit oversensitive about your post as you did acknowledge that some people need/like to shop for 2nd hand things.
Comparing a jumper to a house is wierd.
Some people might see it as a "waste" of money but I agree with those that say that someone has to be buying new stuff - otherwise what would happen to the economy and all the jobs depending on people buying new things?
There are people out there able to afford mega expensive cars - I will probably never be one of them - however if someone said I would prefer a new mega expensive car to the second-hand cheaper car I am using then why would I take offense or suggest that they are not being economical/environmentally friendly? They can afford it - great for them, I cannot - but I am happy with what I have. I might be slightly jealous but it would not be an insult.
OP, I am the same as you especially with my DD. I bought the cot, clothes, toys, high chair etc all new and I still do with her stuff. I also sell a lot on ebay and because I have bought it new generally get pretty ok money for things. I would buy a second hand chest of drawers or wardrobe but not a bed or a sofa - why? I have no idea. I just wouldn't. I would only buy 'worn once or twice' clothes for myself from ebay. I have never thought too deeply about why I'm like this, I just am and I'm ok with that as should you be
As long as you donate your unwanted stuff to charity, then I think you're awesome.
I get nearly everything second hand, and without people like you, it'd be slim pickings!
Buy from where you want but you do sound like a pompous arse
I agree - stealth boast
OP, please try to watch Matthew Wright's show from Fri 29th. This thread is famous and has been described as an "extraordinary row".
I don't really think there is an ethical problem as long as you are buying high quality stuff, looking after it and planning on handing on afterwards.
Furniture makers, shop keepers need to be kept in business to keep the economy going.
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