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To think exP should feed DS?

(85 Posts)
AnneNonimous Sat 19-Jan-13 21:52:24

DS is ten months and goes to his dads every weekend. Up til now I have provided all nappies, milk and food for DS over the weekend. However It's proving more difficult now DS has more 'normal' meals like bits of chicken and veg for him to pick up and eat, fish fingers or toast etc etc.

This weekend I packed pots of fruity porridge for his breakfast and his dinners because I make them in batches and freeze them. But I didn't pack anything for his lunch as its not as easy and seemed ridiculous to me to pack pieces of bread to make into toast or whatever. So I told his dad to just make him something, gave him examples of what he could make him and he said that was ok.

Now I've received a text from exP saying in future I should provide all food as that's what his maintenance money is meant to go towards.

Ainu to think he is being ridiculous and tight? Or am I meant to always pack DS with enough food to go to his dads until he's 18?

HecateWhoopass Sun 20-Jan-13 11:21:39

I did not say feckless.

I said that they don't pay half the cost of raising a child.

If I am wrong on that, and there are lots of non res parents out there that pay half the cost of a holiday for their child every year. Half the cost of all clothes, shoes, etc. Half the cost of all bedroom furniture. Half the cost of all toys and games. Half the cost of the difference in price between single person accommodation and the home needed for a child. Half the cost of the electric, gas and water one person uses. Half the cost of all food the child eats. Half the cost of school meals, trips, etc. Half the cost of transporting the child. Half the cost of any after school activities. Half the cost of any clubs, groups or hobbies. Half the cost of pocket money... ec etc etc etc etc.

I will apologise, wholeheartedly, humbly and without reservation.

WilsonFrickett Sun 20-Jan-13 11:34:48

Erm, yeah, my DP paid:
The mortgage in full
The electricity in full
The gas in full
The house insurance in full
pocket money direct debited to DSD as soon as she was able to have her own bank account
plus a generous amount of cash (can't remember how much but it was either £100 or £200 pw cash to his X.)
All holidays were with us and paid for by us as X cba
Clothes paid for by us disguised as presents as X cba to clothe her child properly.

Essentially when DD left home and went to Uni, despite paying her a monthly amount to support herself we ended up being over 1k pm better off.

Groovee Sun 20-Jan-13 11:54:25

My friend had an ex who used to moan that he'd fed the kids at the chippy and she would offer to pay him back. Until we pointed out he had to pay for his own kids as she was paying everything else with no help from him whatsoever. So the next time he moaned she bundled him out of the door and he soon got the message after about 5 or 6 times.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Sun 20-Jan-13 12:08:27

The parent of my dds friend gets family allowence for her dd doesn't mean I won't provide her tea if she comes over. Fgs how absolutely tight and selfish. U provide everything else the rest of the time all he's gotta do is throw some beans on toast together once a fortnight. Jeez and that's really too much trouble??? Bet what he pays doesn't even come close to what it costs to raise him!!

AnneNonimous Sun 20-Jan-13 12:31:45

Thanks all for replies.

I'm not sure how to approach it to him, he's very black and white and sees everything in who 'should' provide things (ie legally) and clearly can't see the common sense side of it.

Does anyone know if there are any legal guidelines that I can use to tell him he should be providing things for DS? Seems ridiculous that there should need to be any but I really don't want to get into a I conversation about it based on what I think he should be doing as he will point blank disagree and it will escalate.

Can't think why I ever left him hmm

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Sun 20-Jan-13 12:34:58

I'd hardly count once a fortnight as significant enough to deduct any child support to be honest. Could u get a free half hour consult with a solicitor specializing in family law, ?

Seriously if u were ever ill u should be able to hand him over for a weekend without being handed a bill for the inconvenience. Your ex is being a twunt!!!

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 20-Jan-13 14:17:18


I doubt you will find anything absolute written down in law regarding who provides what as it would be silly to have a list.

However you will find plenty on who a child should be able to have contact with, and very high on the requirements is an ability to meet the needs of the child.

If you phoned SS and told them you were refusing to feed your child unless someone else sorted out the food for you, or that you wouldn't provide nappies unless you had them handed to you by the other parent, they would very quickly tell you the definition of neglect.

Do you seriously feel you need a list to prevent yourself pandering to a piss poor excuse of a dad and to help your child have a better relationship with her dad????

You can change the way he behaves by not letting him do so, just stop pandering so it ceases to benefit him.

The reason why maintainance is reduced dependant on overnights with nrp is because it is accepted that during this time the nrp is funding and meeting the child's needs. where contact is 1 night out of 14 the costs are considered to be so small that there is no point deducting them and are the baisic minimum on top of maintainance that a nrp should be doing.

All contact requires is for you to make your child available and that is it.
If you need someone to actually tell you this phone comunity legal advice tomorrow.

You can make a choice to do more,you can also make a choice where the circumstances require it to do more but you don't need to. If your ex cannot manage his life to the extent of making sure he has a tin of beans and a few slices of bread once every two weeks then he is to irresponsible to have sole care of a baby.

By pandering to him you are doing them both a disservice he has no reason to stand up and act like a parent, and your child will learn that dad can't be a parent. And you are not doing yourself any favours

AnneNonimous Sun 20-Jan-13 14:30:59

sock thankyou, your post has given me the kick up the bum I probably need. I've just gotten into the habit of doing what I can to 'keep the peace' but you're right, me doing everything is stopping him from being the parent he needs to be.

littlemisssarcastic Sun 20-Jan-13 15:58:47

OP, What would your ex say if you told him you had consulted a solicitor, and your solicitor had told you it was not your responsibility to provide what your child needs during xp's contact?

My solicitor categorically told me it was not my responsibility to provide what my DD needed during his contact (as I explained further earlier on).

Can't you just tell him that as from X date, upon advice from your solicitor, you will be sending your child to contact in the clothes he stands in, and nothing else unless it is medicine which has been prescribed to your child?
If he has a problem with this, then perhaps you should suggest he contact a solicitor wrt this issue.

LineRunner Sun 20-Jan-13 17:22:04

Sock and littlemiss - absolutely spot on advice. I wish I had had your advice when my DCs were little.

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