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To think that I could happily leave family behind without a second thought?

(109 Posts)
shrimponastick Sat 19-Jan-13 16:57:35

Just been watching Wanted Down Under Revisited.

Obviously it is a great show - you get to see a bit of each region, find out about the way of life etc. But the bit which gets my goat is the dvd showing the distraught family members 'back home' saying how much they will miss the grand kids etc. Everyone gets upset.

So, am I wrong in thinking that if I/We wanted to go and live elsewhere in the near future that I wouldn't miss my family/friends?

Are we supposed to live in our families' pockets and see them every day?

I would want to take DH and DS - the rest I can take or leave.

Am I the only one??

13Iggis Sat 19-Jan-13 19:13:19

I need my friends. They were there before my dh, for the most part!

AmberSocks Sat 19-Jan-13 19:18:19

we live in sussex and my family are in the midlands,dhs family are in devon.

we love it,i enjoy visiting them but wouldnt want to live in the same area,it wouldnt be the same.

we are planning n moving abroad in the next 3 or 4 years,being further away from family isnt something that would stp us from wanting to,if you want t see each other enough then you will.

shrimponastick Sat 19-Jan-13 19:42:14

I wasn't being 'sneery' about it - just my writing style I guess.

If anything I have been pondering recently why I don't feel the need to see family members so much. I wondered/worried if I was normal/weird/cold hearted? Whatever - it is what it is.

So my query was regarding that point in conjunction with watching the Down Under show and others' attitudes to families etc.

DontmindifIdo Sat 19-Jan-13 19:55:10

I think it's helped that I've moved just before having DS so pretty much all my 'mummy friends' and network are newer friends, and before that I lived in London, not my home town, so having done it both as 'working woman' making friends at work and building a network that way, and 'parent' making a complete new group of friends, I guess I'm not that scared about going somewhere where I know noone, I know I'm perfectly capable of creating a network (and tend to find in expat communities where noone has extended family/friends they have known since primary school, people do tend to be more open to becoming a friend). I do have a couple of old friends I'm still in touch with, but the bulk are people i've met in the last 6 years or so.

I think once you'd moved away once from family, even within the same country, the idea of going abroad is less scary.

Smudging Sat 19-Jan-13 20:14:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rhondajean Sat 19-Jan-13 20:18:46

I wouldn't miss anyone. At all. Dds are trying to kill each other on couch at moment, I'd even leave them.

Whatdoiknowanyway Sat 19-Jan-13 20:20:09

I think it must be an age thing.
Everyone seems to be commenting about whether they need their parents or not, whether their children's grandparents get to see them enough.

What about if you have a vulnerable parent who's not coping with living on their own? What if they have problems with their health or their neighbours and there's no one there to help them and you live hundreds or thousands of miles away? That's what I would find most stressful on moving away and what many of my friends are finding an issue now. A young family can choose to buy in support- we did. A vulnerable, possibly confused parent has more limited options.

WidowWadman Sat 19-Jan-13 20:30:23

That's actually something that's preying on my mind, whatdoiknow. My parents are in their 70ies and hopefully will be around for a while still, but I'm concious they're getting older and will need more help. What if one of them passes away?

In a way we're lucky in that my sister lives right next door to them, and my brother will soon move into an empty flat in their house, however I know that I am far away so can't help as much, and that bothers me.

DontmindifIdo Sat 19-Jan-13 20:31:34

Well, I raised the parents thing, but then as neither DH or I are only children, it's not just us to cover parental care. Put then, if you were an only child or have feckless siblings, then I can see why you'd worry more.

Then again, I don't feel I can put off doing something that would be best for my family unit on the off chance that in 10 years time my parents might need me to be here...

LaCiccolina Sat 19-Jan-13 20:36:52

I always thought I could do that too. We did last year. We moved back in 8wks. It made me ill. I was crying, homesick, depressed, as near mad as I have ever been. It genuinely frightened me, my reaction I mean. Now looking back its like a fog. I barely remember it.

Home is more than people is what I learned. It's all intertwined. It's not as easy to extrapolate as u might initially believe.

nooka Sat 19-Jan-13 20:44:23

Another thing to consider is that there is a huge difference between moving somewhere a few hours away and somewhere essentially a few days away. My family is quite dispersed. For a long time my eldest brother and sister lived four or so hours away from my parents, whereas me and my other sister lived about half an hour away. In practice we all saw my parents about the same amount of time, mostly for holiday visits, with a few extra weekend visits for those of us who lived closer together.

Then I moved to Canada and my middle sister moved to Australia. In the last four years we have been together as a family once (previously twice a year) and apart from recent trips to visit my father who is very ill I would have seen my eldest sister and brother once and my sister in Australia not at all. Extended family I really haven't seen at all. My children don't really know their cousins in any meaningful way. With my father being very ill I can't just drop everything and be there for him (or my mother) as it takes about 18 hours door to door - for my sister in Australia it's closer to two days.

So don't kid yourself that your relationships don't change, because they do. I don't regret having moved and I still have a very close relationship with my family but it is very different, and it does make my parents sad, and I am sorry for that.

Mutley77 Sat 19-Jan-13 20:52:51

We are emigrating to Australia but it's not "a la Wanted Down Under" - my husband is Australian and his family live there. We won't be expecting a particularly higher standard of living as where we want to live in the city is not cheap and therefore our house may if anything be smaller.

Part of the move is obviously to live nearer family and part of it is for us and our children to experience something different.

I agree with you - that to me the priority is DH, DD, DS (and unborn DC). While my mum, dad, sister and friends are really important to me I can't run my lives around them - nor would I expect them to do that for me. I am lucky in that my parents can and will travel to see us at least once a year.

Whatdoiknowanyway Sat 19-Jan-13 21:02:41

I'm one of 5 children btw. Having siblings doesn't necessarily make it easier. My Australia based friend's siblings don't seem to see the things that his mum needs.

WhataSook Sat 19-Jan-13 21:11:05

That part of the show can really piss me off! So many people turn into a blubbering mess during that part, did they not think about being so far away from family before they went?!

I am a long way from family and friends and have just had to get on with it, so I think when I go home the 'support network' could piss me off a bit - we've got used to doing it on our own!

CailinDana Sat 19-Jan-13 21:35:36

Moving from ireland to england 4 years ago, away from my family is the best thing i ever did. It cured my depression and actually improved my relationship with my mother. My father has opted out of being a dad which i should have expected but anyway it underlines the fact that i made the right decision. I don't have to endure my toxic sister any more. My wonderful younger sister moved close to me a few months ago, i have some fantastic new friends here, my friends in my home town are great for keeping in contact and i don't feel homesick at all. I had the opportunity to move back to my home town recently and the prospect made me feel sick.

FunnysInLaJardin Sat 19-Jan-13 21:37:57

YANBU. I love my mum and dad and sisters but don't need to see them all the time. We moved 800 miles away and see them a few times a year. It's enough as long as I have DH and the DC!

kickassangel Sat 19-Jan-13 21:43:43

We live about 4,000 miles from our family. But then DH's parents once moved house and didn't tell us til we tracked them down several months later shock so I wouldn't say we were close.

We probably see them for as many days in a year, but they're all in one go rather than over a few weekends

lynniep Sat 19-Jan-13 21:56:34

I don't think its really an aibu question because its how you feel. the thing is, once you do the move, its the loss of the option that is the wrench. I very rarely saw my family before I moved to oz( er did cone back after 15 months as I had to make the choice and the fact I found out I was pg did it for me) and whilst is never missed them in the UK (we didn't live close) I found when I was away I wanted to speak to them. same with friends. I'd hardly seen them for years anyway having moved to Scotland from London, but when the option to visit is removed entirely its a whole different ball game. that said you have to do what's right for you. my stepmum was so relieved when we came back and still says now I made the right choice to do so, but even knowing how the reality of it was, if I thought it would be a good idea to go back I would.

skratta Sat 19-Jan-13 22:39:11

I moved first to the UK from Sweden then to the US. I took DH and the DC. My parents are miles and miles away. I miss the support, but I didn't miss them as much as I expected. By the time I moved to the UK, I'd obviously moved out etc; so although the differences and realisation of a previously three hour trip was now a plane trip, to see my family, I missed the familiarity of my surroundings more.

One of my friends recently moved to San Marino from the USA (her father was from there apparently. I really want to visit, San Marino sounds so...tiny but nice!). Does she miss her family? Of course. We chatted about being an expat yesterday. But being an adult means shaping a life for yourself, not for your relatives, and when you become a couple or parent, then those are the people who are the main parts of your life. Having a new family doesn't mean you don't miss or care about your parents or siblings, just as moving is a means of shaping a new life for you. Your life shouldn't be determined by your parents, however much I miss them, being miles away is part of my life and it's my life, not my family's life. Everyone moves, moving country means a gigantic distance, culture shock, sometimes a different language. And although I miss their support, I don't really achingly miss them.

pointythings Sat 19-Jan-13 22:42:56

DH and I have both moved abroad - him from the US, me from Holland. We love it here and would not want to live anywhere else. But...

You do have to realise there will be downsides. When my FIL ended up in hospital with a perforated bowel, from which he eventually died, DH was stuck here, powerless to even be there. It happened again when MIL died very suddenly three years later. He could only make the memorial services, it tore him up.

And my father has Parkinsons and is unwell enough that travelling to see us is not an option. We cannot afford to come over often, so we only see my parents once a year and they only see the DDs once a year. We email a lot and call a lot, but it's not the same.

Having said all that, neither my MIL and FIL nor my parents ever held us back from making our lives here.

freddiefrog Sat 19-Jan-13 22:45:35

I wouldn't consider moving that far away from my family.

We don't live in each others pockets in the slightest, we've been 200 miles away for the last 10 years, but that's far enough for me

ithaka Sat 19-Jan-13 22:48:58

I couldn't move to another country & leave my family behind, I just couldn't. We have discussed it, as DH could work abroad and he isn't close to his family. But we live in the same village as my mum and the children are always popping round to granny, they see her most days. She has been a rock helping me out when they were wee and she won't live forever, so I couldn't up sticks & leave her now.

I know I am lucky to have such a great relationship with my mum - I hope I get on as well with my girls when they are grown up.

Pudgy2011 Sat 19-Jan-13 22:57:35

When I was 28, single and carefree, I moved here to Grand Cayman. Five years later, I'm married with a house, two dogs and a baby.

We love our life here but I miss my family terribly. Unfortunately I've dealt with the pain of living far away when something goes wrong. My brother lost his battle with cancer in June last year. I flew back to London 3 times in 6 months with my baby to spend time with my family, especially once we knew it was terminal. After he passed away, having to leave my family and come back here was horrendous.

DH and I would love to move to Perth, Australia - plenty of work for us and would be incredible to go there and lay down some roots but in all honesty I couldn't move further away. We're already 12 hours away from London but two flights and 17 hours is just a bit too far.

If you'd asked me before my brother had died if I'd move (further away) from my family I'd have said yes in a heartbeat. Now, 12 hours away is too far. We have to do what's right for our family though and being here is what is right for us and my family in London understands that.

Sometimes it's easier with no ties though!!

GinghamChic Sat 19-Jan-13 23:28:48

I pity the posters whi have said they pity the op. God forbid having the desire to move away and life in a dufferent place from your family grin . How sad that you could not, more like.
There is a big world out there. You can keep in touch ffs and open up new experiences gor them too!

googlyeyes Sat 19-Jan-13 23:58:00

I'm another one who could never do it.

Before we had children we considered DH getting a transfer to New York at some point but when we thought through the reality of being far from home we abandoned the idea quick smart. And then once we had children, the joy that they and my mum get from each others' company, the hugs, the tickles, the deep bond they share because of the regular contact....well to me that's priceless. Way, way more important than things like a bigger house and beach lifestyle. My mum isn't going to be here forever and I want to see her on a regular basis.,

My sister lives in LA and DH's brother lives in Japan and although they skype, and visit once a year or so, it's really, really not the same. And the tears and histrionics when they have to go back home (not so much from the grandparents but from the children and grandchildren!) are hard for everyone. They have a lovely 2weeks immersed with family and then return knowing it'll be 12 months til they meet again. A long time in a child's life!

It's horses for courses. I admire people who take that huge step to move away but I won't be made to feel like I'm a wuss, tied to the apron strings just because I see my mum as a vital part of my close family, as well as DH and the DC

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