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To be really upset with my Mum and her rubbish apology

(93 Posts)
whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 12:32:46

My mum has my son one day a week while I temp. I can choose my day at this particular place so its usually pretty flexible. I was asked to go in on Thursday, Mum said no she would prefer Tuesday so I swapped. Monday night she said actually she would prefer Thursday so I swapped back.

Thursday morning comes and I waited for her to arrive at the time she said but she didn't come. I called her and turns out she is still asleep. So I just calmly asked her to hurry, put the phone down, ruminated on the possibility of going to her house (but I had already taken the car seat out of my car to put in hers so that would have taken me longer... etc) Anyway in that time she calls me back and said she cant come at all because she has lost her keys. Time was getting on now.

I spoke to my husband and he said by the time I get to her house I will have missed my train and it will be around 10 (I have a hour's commute) and basically with this job on this particular day I HAD to be there by 9 or there was no point going in (I would have been in the office on my own after that time with no training or instruction) so I may as well just not go. It turned out I was able to call in and get some work to do at home so not all bad on the work front.

Mum called back later in the day - Its ok! She found her keys! Great huh! And she's sorry but these things happen and I have to understand. There was no real sense of apology, no sense of urgency, no acknowledgment that I or my work had been inconvenienced and when I said she had cost me the days wage and potential chances of going back to this place she just said "Dont make me feel bad" and put the phone down. Now I do understand that these things happen, but honestly she has been saying this to me ever since I was small and I'm just fed up of being let down all the time. I spent the morning in tears at this. I just feel she didn't take any of it seriously and then got angry at me for being angry (which she always does, everything is someone else's fault. She even blamed my younger brother for 'taking' her keys which he didn't)

Am I in the wrong here? Am I being harsh by being upset? My work could just get another temp who turns up on time with no hassle....

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 18-Jan-13 12:35:41

Firstly, get yourself organised with a CM or a nursery.

Your mum is not taking this commitment seriously, sounds like she has no understanding of what keeping a job entails. I'd be upset too and I believe you have a right to feel that way. Take her out of the equation, a flexible job p/t job is one to keep so get some reliable child care in place.

whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 12:38:16

My childcare would cost more than I earn in a day, but I have a close friend who can have him. I just wanted my mum to have him because she does say she enjoys it and I like my boy being with her. I think you are right though, someone reliable would be better for me, however sad it is for my Mum who would take it extremely personally that I'd got someone else.

HecateWhoopass Fri 18-Jan-13 12:39:18

I would just find alternative childcare. Then you don't need to rely on her.

Is there a possibility she doesn't actually want to be your childcare any more? And that's why she's messing about?

whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 12:42:22

Well if she didn't want to be my childcare anymore I would hope she could just tell me in a timely manner before the moment I needed to leave for work.

That's the thing, if she had called me beforehand and said Listen I cant do it for xxx reason, then cool. But I was waiting at the door for her with my son in my arms pacing.

Pancakeflipper Fri 18-Jan-13 12:42:42

I would ensure I don't rely on her for anything then there will be less to be upset about as she then cannot let you down.

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 18-Jan-13 12:46:34

Well your Mum can't have it both ways. I'd say good if she got upset, means she understands the consequences of her actions.

I'd see if your friend can have him instead at least for a month. Then talk to your Mum again, see if she now understands what committing to look after him for a day a week actually means. If she says she does then if you really feel you want to give her one last chance.

I don't understand how your job can pay less than the cost of childcare though? It's quite expensive round here but a CM is £4.00 per hour and minimum wage is more than that.

HecateWhoopass Fri 18-Jan-13 12:47:19

x-post. See if your friend will help you then.

Whether you mum says she likes it or not - if you can't rely on her, you risk your job.

ENormaSnob Fri 18-Jan-13 12:48:39

Get some proper childcare in place.

Tough shit if mother dear doesn't like it. She's completely unreliable.

Numberlock Fri 18-Jan-13 12:51:53

My childcare would cost more than I earn in a day

You're making the classic mistake of thinking that childcare costs come out of your wage only. They don't, they come out of the family income.

TWinklyLittleStar Fri 18-Jan-13 12:55:29

If she takes it personally, then tough shit for her because it is personal, based on her personal inability to be reliable and treat you and your job with respect.

NamingOfParts Fri 18-Jan-13 12:57:03

I understand the total frustration at the faffing around. It is just so inefficient.

Agree with other posters that you will need to get other childcare. It is sad that you cant rely on your DM but she sounds as though she just isnt up to the need to be reliable.

whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 13:04:23

I commute to London zone 1 so that's why my wage is less than childcare which is at least £45 a day here. As I travel only one day I get no discount on my travel card. Plus I do not have work guaranteed every week so I may end up paying for a CM space I will not use.

She just made me feel like I was over-reacting when really I was just calm but very disappointed. I felt let down and undermined if that makes sense!

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:04:23

Just cannot believe what I am reading here.

First off, yes I agree with all the advice that you should put your childcare on a regular/professional footing and if that means leaving your mother out of the equation then so be it.


you are getting regular free childcare from her which you admit is a plus for your son as well, it is saving the household income money and YOU ARE DISSATISFIED BECAUSE HER GROVELLING ISN'T UP TO EXPECTATIONS WHEN SHE DROPS A BALL??????????

Newsflash: your mother is doing you a favour, and of course it is frsutrating when things go a bit haywire, but as you said yourself no real harm was done. I am way too old to be using this phrase, but ffs get over yourself. Your mother is entitled to consideration too, and my guess is that she is trying to wriggle out of this commitment favour but is scared you will go off on one if she lays it on the line. I know I would be!

whatwhatinthewhatnow Fri 18-Jan-13 13:05:27

It's not free, march. I give her money for petrol and his lunch and anything they do that day.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:07:05

Erm, that's free. You are only paying what you would have to spend yourself anyway.

StillSmilingAfterAllTheseYears Fri 18-Jan-13 13:07:49

It sounds like your mum is an Unreliable person. I'm guessing this is not the first time she has let you down? Or failed to say sorry?

I think it's time for you to accept your mum is not a good child care option for you and make a decision either to sort something formal or give up the job.

I think YANBU to be upset by your mum's actions but YABU if you think she will change, my guess is she won't. Sorry. Unfortunately, some people get helpful, dependable mums and some people get annoying, disappointing mums.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:09:09

And some mums get overwhelmingly entitled daughters and others get really nice daughters who understand that the world does not revolve around them.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:10:17

Just to add, my daughter has yet to reproduce, but my ddil would never dream of holding either me or her mother to account in this way!

Numberlock Fri 18-Jan-13 13:10:58

So the OP is entitled because she changed her day of work to suit her mum and yet her mum was still asleep when she rang to check where she was?

OK then....

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 18-Jan-13 13:13:48

Well when I am old enough to (hopefully) have grandchildren, I will be delighted if I was asked to look after them once a week on a day at my convenience. I would understand that my DIL needs to earn a living and once you make a commitment to someone then you hold to that.

When a grandparent looks after a grandchild its not just a hard cash equation, my parents enjoy spending time with DS and they often prefer doing it when I'm not there so they can spoil him how they like.

I certainly don't think the OP expects the world to revolve around her, she just wants her mother to look after her child on the day she said she would at the time she needs to get into work or she loses her job.

YellowDinosaur Fri 18-Jan-13 13:14:48

March you are way off here.

The op has arranged everything to suit her Mum regarding her days of work including swapping it twice this week. Her Mum would be upset if she asked someone else to do it. Her Mum has LET HER DOWN RISKING HER JOB. And can't even be arsed to apologise properly.

If her Mum is finding it tomuch to look after her ds having said she would the normal adult way to short that is to talk about it not just fail to turn up.

There is no sense of entitlement of the op at all. Op, YANBU in the slightest to be pissed off.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:14:49

No the OP is entitled because things went tits up, as they sometimes do, shit happens etc etc (nothing to do with the original change of plan) and and it seems her main beef is not the inconvenience but that her mother was not suitably penitent...that;'s what the thread title says!

Ok then!

curiousuze Fri 18-Jan-13 13:16:47

So you'd be fine not turning up for your DIL so that she missed a day's work march? That's an ok thing to do because you're not being paid? What a sad way to look at the world.

marchwillsoonbehere Fri 18-Jan-13 13:17:26

Well argued Yellow but that's not how I read it at all. It seems that the OP has real issues with her mother but is happy to make use of her, and seems to think her mother should be grateful that she does.

I don't think it's me that's way off, but there you go. All a bit of a storm in a teacup anyway.

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